I'm okay till I get into a relationship
God's Kid
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I'm okay till I get into a relationship
The number of times I have heard this sentence come out of my mouth in the last few weeks has actually begun to alarm me.
The last few days I have been thinking about it a lot as I think there is a certain amount of denial in it for me. It's a bit like an alcoholic saying, I'm okay unless I drink.
I have been thinking, I have very few close friends who really know how my brain works. I've my sponsor and maybe 2 others who I can be completely honest.
Yesterday I was with someone, who a year ago would have counted as a really good friend, but now I'd just say she is someone I am friendly with. We were talking about something and she started telling me how I was and how I should feel. I assume she did this because it made her a bit uncomfortable. It's sort of stuck in my mind.
We also had this moment where we were both talking about completely different things but a similar subject, and she was telling me something about her and I was trying to tell her something about me. A little over a year ago I would have listen to her talk about herself for hours and told myself to not be so selfish as she had more important problems/issues than mine but these days I am trying to practise not doing that, and it's flippin hard!!!
One may ask, well what has this got to do with family and friends of alcoholics? For me it is a result of coming from a family affected by alcoholism. My thinking tells me that me and my life are not as important as everyone else. My thinking tells me self sacrifice is the path to good relationships! (Vomit)
In Al Anon they use the great analogy on how to live life, by saying 'In a plane crash, it is suggested that you fit your own oxygen mask first, before trying to help anyone else.' Hence I should take care of my own needs before involving myself with another person. Emotionaly, $$$, or otherwise.
Change is hard sometimes.
The last few days I have been thinking about it a lot as I think there is a certain amount of denial in it for me. It's a bit like an alcoholic saying, I'm okay unless I drink.
I have been thinking, I have very few close friends who really know how my brain works. I've my sponsor and maybe 2 others who I can be completely honest.
Yesterday I was with someone, who a year ago would have counted as a really good friend, but now I'd just say she is someone I am friendly with. We were talking about something and she started telling me how I was and how I should feel. I assume she did this because it made her a bit uncomfortable. It's sort of stuck in my mind.
We also had this moment where we were both talking about completely different things but a similar subject, and she was telling me something about her and I was trying to tell her something about me. A little over a year ago I would have listen to her talk about herself for hours and told myself to not be so selfish as she had more important problems/issues than mine but these days I am trying to practise not doing that, and it's flippin hard!!!
One may ask, well what has this got to do with family and friends of alcoholics? For me it is a result of coming from a family affected by alcoholism. My thinking tells me that me and my life are not as important as everyone else. My thinking tells me self sacrifice is the path to good relationships! (Vomit)
In Al Anon they use the great analogy on how to live life, by saying 'In a plane crash, it is suggested that you fit your own oxygen mask first, before trying to help anyone else.' Hence I should take care of my own needs before involving myself with another person. Emotionaly, $$$, or otherwise.
Change is hard sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What a great revelation, liz.
It's hard, yah.
To me, relationships aren't about self-sacrifice. I see them as being about seeing yourself as part of a two-part machine. In order to keep the thing greased and going in a happy/healthy way, you BOTH need to speak, to listen, to evolve, to make mistakes without judgment, to take time to be fascinated with each other's strange journey on this planet. I don't look at that as sacrifice.
Even friendships have come to be like that for me. What am I giving? What am I getting? Does the machine feel strong, or does it feel unbalanced?
Took a long, long time. I used to say "I do fine until I'm in a relationship" and I realized at some point that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe switch that up a bit? "I'm in the process of learning what's best for me in a relationship" maybe? At that point it's not a judgment, just a learning journey, all part of a bigger plan for being as happy as you can.
Hugs, thanks for the eye-opener this morning
GL
It's hard, yah.
To me, relationships aren't about self-sacrifice. I see them as being about seeing yourself as part of a two-part machine. In order to keep the thing greased and going in a happy/healthy way, you BOTH need to speak, to listen, to evolve, to make mistakes without judgment, to take time to be fascinated with each other's strange journey on this planet. I don't look at that as sacrifice.
Even friendships have come to be like that for me. What am I giving? What am I getting? Does the machine feel strong, or does it feel unbalanced?
Took a long, long time. I used to say "I do fine until I'm in a relationship" and I realized at some point that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe switch that up a bit? "I'm in the process of learning what's best for me in a relationship" maybe? At that point it's not a judgment, just a learning journey, all part of a bigger plan for being as happy as you can.
Hugs, thanks for the eye-opener this morning
GL
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