Trying to cope with the aftermath
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Portsmouth, Hants
Posts: 2
Trying to cope with the aftermath
In May this year, my wife took her own life.
She was a chronic alcoholic and we had split up some time before when we lived in Spain.
We lost everything - Our business, our house. Everything.
I moved back to the UK in mid 2007 with my kids and stayed with my mother until I could get a rented house of our own and have since been trying to rebuild.
My wife also came back to the UK and spent a period homeless before meeting a young guy and moving in with he and his parents.
She had been an alcoholic for many years and no matter how I tried to help her, nothing worked and I had to give up on her for my own sake.
I tried so many things to help her - getting her into detox, getting her counselling, even getting a Member of Parliament in the UK to help her try and get housing and help with her addiction.
Nothing worked.
After months in the UK of constant trouble and harrassment from her to me and the kids, my son (15) went to live with her. He could not give up on her and couldn't handle our new life or the fact that I had met and was with somebody else.
This lasted c7 weeks and she finally cut him on the arm with a knife when he tried to pour a bottle of her vodka down the sink after returning to their home after a visit to me finding the place a wreck and her smashed.
The police were involved, she was arrested and my son returned to me. I instructed a solicitor who obtained an injunction to stop her approaching the kids as well as filing for divorce.
A few weeks later, she hung herself with her handbag on a park fence.
My kids, especially my son, seem unable to move on in any way.
My son went into social care for 8 weeks and then came back to me but he still cannot deal with it and is angry with me most of the time, constantly returning to the point where he blames me for everything that has happened. He is not sleeping, screwing up at school and I believe he is clinically depressed but cannot get him to talk with anyone.
My 16yr old daughter lives away from home and has taken to seeing mediums and has decided that her mother must have been murdered (by her boyfriend) as she cannot accept that she killed herself.
This has transmitted up to her elder sister, my stepdaughter (30 with a kid and in Spain) who has taken to the idea.
My son seemed to take to it too.
I re-contacted the investigating police officer and the coroner and re-confirmed that there was NO evidence of any foul play whatsoever and the coroners verdict was that she took her own life.
We received the letter this morning confirming this and my son opened it.
He is obviously hurt badly by this as they all are and I am getting the brunt of the whole thing.
It has almost destroyed my relationship with my girlfreind and I have ended up on anti-depressants and in counselling - My kids have been repeatedly offered the same but refuse it.
I am at the end of my tether.
They seem to be in complete denial. Refusing to accept that there mother had an illness that nobody could cure and that she made her own choices about life and death.
I did everything I could for her but had to get out and did reject her in the end.
We had no money or a home and I could not help her any more.
Has anybody been through this ? Is anybody out there who could give me some tips or advice ?
Pete
She was a chronic alcoholic and we had split up some time before when we lived in Spain.
We lost everything - Our business, our house. Everything.
I moved back to the UK in mid 2007 with my kids and stayed with my mother until I could get a rented house of our own and have since been trying to rebuild.
My wife also came back to the UK and spent a period homeless before meeting a young guy and moving in with he and his parents.
She had been an alcoholic for many years and no matter how I tried to help her, nothing worked and I had to give up on her for my own sake.
I tried so many things to help her - getting her into detox, getting her counselling, even getting a Member of Parliament in the UK to help her try and get housing and help with her addiction.
Nothing worked.
After months in the UK of constant trouble and harrassment from her to me and the kids, my son (15) went to live with her. He could not give up on her and couldn't handle our new life or the fact that I had met and was with somebody else.
This lasted c7 weeks and she finally cut him on the arm with a knife when he tried to pour a bottle of her vodka down the sink after returning to their home after a visit to me finding the place a wreck and her smashed.
The police were involved, she was arrested and my son returned to me. I instructed a solicitor who obtained an injunction to stop her approaching the kids as well as filing for divorce.
A few weeks later, she hung herself with her handbag on a park fence.
My kids, especially my son, seem unable to move on in any way.
My son went into social care for 8 weeks and then came back to me but he still cannot deal with it and is angry with me most of the time, constantly returning to the point where he blames me for everything that has happened. He is not sleeping, screwing up at school and I believe he is clinically depressed but cannot get him to talk with anyone.
My 16yr old daughter lives away from home and has taken to seeing mediums and has decided that her mother must have been murdered (by her boyfriend) as she cannot accept that she killed herself.
This has transmitted up to her elder sister, my stepdaughter (30 with a kid and in Spain) who has taken to the idea.
My son seemed to take to it too.
I re-contacted the investigating police officer and the coroner and re-confirmed that there was NO evidence of any foul play whatsoever and the coroners verdict was that she took her own life.
We received the letter this morning confirming this and my son opened it.
He is obviously hurt badly by this as they all are and I am getting the brunt of the whole thing.
It has almost destroyed my relationship with my girlfreind and I have ended up on anti-depressants and in counselling - My kids have been repeatedly offered the same but refuse it.
I am at the end of my tether.
They seem to be in complete denial. Refusing to accept that there mother had an illness that nobody could cure and that she made her own choices about life and death.
I did everything I could for her but had to get out and did reject her in the end.
We had no money or a home and I could not help her any more.
Has anybody been through this ? Is anybody out there who could give me some tips or advice ?
Pete
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, Pete, glad you're here.
My deepest sympathy on your family's loss and for all you are having to cope with now.
I have not been through it, but my heart goes out to you.
Please keep posting.
My deepest sympathy on your family's loss and for all you are having to cope with now.
I have not been through it, but my heart goes out to you.
Please keep posting.
Bonnie
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 20
I haven't been through this but it seems that counseling is about the only thing that will really help, right now. Your children are very angry and taking it out on the living person is normal, though very hard.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope they find some relief for their pain soon.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope they find some relief for their pain soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Peter,
I'm so sorry for all you've been through.
Your kids are still grieving, and are still working through the "denial" stage. This couldn't have happened, etc.
What they really need is grief counseling. But if they refuse any kind of counseling, I don't know of anything you can do or say that will speed up their progression through the steps. You were much more detached from your wife's situation (after so much suffering on your part) and they likely resent your ability to handle all of this better than they are.
Have you considered counseling for yourself, to cope with what's happened and what is happening now? (You know the airliner instructions, to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others....)
I worked with a therapist who specialized in grief -- in fact, more than half of his patients were people who were dying or who had just lost a loved one. He was able to give me a real education on grief, and I learned enough to help me through (I have lost two sisters and two parents to addition and its aftereffects, including one to suicide)
Consider this. You may find some gems of wisdom that way that will help you to better cope with your children as they move through their grief.
Sending you my best wishes
GL
I'm so sorry for all you've been through.
Your kids are still grieving, and are still working through the "denial" stage. This couldn't have happened, etc.
What they really need is grief counseling. But if they refuse any kind of counseling, I don't know of anything you can do or say that will speed up their progression through the steps. You were much more detached from your wife's situation (after so much suffering on your part) and they likely resent your ability to handle all of this better than they are.
Have you considered counseling for yourself, to cope with what's happened and what is happening now? (You know the airliner instructions, to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others....)
I worked with a therapist who specialized in grief -- in fact, more than half of his patients were people who were dying or who had just lost a loved one. He was able to give me a real education on grief, and I learned enough to help me through (I have lost two sisters and two parents to addition and its aftereffects, including one to suicide)
Consider this. You may find some gems of wisdom that way that will help you to better cope with your children as they move through their grief.
Sending you my best wishes
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Pete, welcome to SR.
I'm sorry for the loss of your wife and all the aftermath from this sad disease. I'm very happy to hear that you are getting good medical care and going to counseling. Like Give Love said...maybe a therapist with a 'grief/loss' specialty might be better for you.
You've come to the right place and I'm glad you are reaching out for support on this forum. Please continue to come by and post. We also have another spot here on SR that I think you will find helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
I can't imagine how difficult this must be; you don't have to be alone- we are here. I'm glad to meet you but sorry it's under these circumstances.
I'm sorry for the loss of your wife and all the aftermath from this sad disease. I'm very happy to hear that you are getting good medical care and going to counseling. Like Give Love said...maybe a therapist with a 'grief/loss' specialty might be better for you.
You've come to the right place and I'm glad you are reaching out for support on this forum. Please continue to come by and post. We also have another spot here on SR that I think you will find helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
I can't imagine how difficult this must be; you don't have to be alone- we are here. I'm glad to meet you but sorry it's under these circumstances.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Pete
So sorry for your losses, my daughter (7) and I have also lost everything to alcholism. Her mom is still "out there" and I fully expect to get "the call" one of these days.
This is very sad and my heart goes out to you and your kids.
Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote
So sorry for your losses, my daughter (7) and I have also lost everything to alcholism. Her mom is still "out there" and I fully expect to get "the call" one of these days.
This is very sad and my heart goes out to you and your kids.
Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote
watching the clouds roll away
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Peter -- I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you continue to endure.
I have lost someone to addiction, but I do not have children nor the complications of dealing with their pain.
Your children just need you as you are right now. Your strength will help them. The only thing I would add to all the advice above is to not let them distance you forever (not sure if they are doing this, but I'm imagining myself in this situation). I used to do that when I was hurt, but I really always wanted my parents to push through that. If they don't want to talk give them a hug. If they want to talk then let them know they can ask you anything, that they could be mad at you (not that they have a right to, but in a situation like this it might be where they turn to try to cope with what is happening), that they can be mad at her, that they can feel guilty -- but that no one caused what happened. These are all such hefty issues to be dealing with, even as an adult that they will NEED your guidance to come through it and come to peace.
I have lost someone to addiction, but I do not have children nor the complications of dealing with their pain.
Your children just need you as you are right now. Your strength will help them. The only thing I would add to all the advice above is to not let them distance you forever (not sure if they are doing this, but I'm imagining myself in this situation). I used to do that when I was hurt, but I really always wanted my parents to push through that. If they don't want to talk give them a hug. If they want to talk then let them know they can ask you anything, that they could be mad at you (not that they have a right to, but in a situation like this it might be where they turn to try to cope with what is happening), that they can be mad at her, that they can feel guilty -- but that no one caused what happened. These are all such hefty issues to be dealing with, even as an adult that they will NEED your guidance to come through it and come to peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Peter,
What a heavy burden you carry. I am so sorry. Your story is deeply tragic, for the children do not know what to do with their rage and grief, that they could not save her, that they have been abandoned with a violent finality, that they live and she does not.
You are doing the right things. Stay in counseling. The five stages of grief--do you know those?--are very much in process in your family, with the different members at different stages. This is a long process and one moves back and forth between stages before finally being able to accept what has happened and be at some peace about it.
Suicide is almost always, always, the result of a deeply severe clinical depression, whether the person is an addict or not. It is almost impossible for anyone to understand the mental state which leads to suicide. A very profound book on depression is "The Noonday Demon", which was a Pulitzer nominee. Though addiction was the catalyst for your children's mother's suicidal depression, in the end her choice to take her own life is similar to the choices of others in such an extreme state of a kind of insane despair.
If your children are able to eventually realize she was a victim of depression, perhaps that will alleviate some of their rage at her addiction. I don't know. I don't know how someone stops being angry and raw with pain when a parent abandons through suicide. But I know that with help, it can happen for your family, and the counselor you see can lead you to right decisions at the right time, as well as your own prayers for God's intervention in your life and in your children's lives.
A man I was mildly acquainted with, an alcoholic, also killed himself and left two children behind. He hiked up a snowy mountain with pills and alcohol to die. The act seems so damnably selfish. But i believe it was the severe depression which finally warped his choices.
Your children will heal through love, and so will you. Please don't give up on love. reach out for it, ask for it, hold onto it, however you can.
Wishing you comfort....
What a heavy burden you carry. I am so sorry. Your story is deeply tragic, for the children do not know what to do with their rage and grief, that they could not save her, that they have been abandoned with a violent finality, that they live and she does not.
You are doing the right things. Stay in counseling. The five stages of grief--do you know those?--are very much in process in your family, with the different members at different stages. This is a long process and one moves back and forth between stages before finally being able to accept what has happened and be at some peace about it.
Suicide is almost always, always, the result of a deeply severe clinical depression, whether the person is an addict or not. It is almost impossible for anyone to understand the mental state which leads to suicide. A very profound book on depression is "The Noonday Demon", which was a Pulitzer nominee. Though addiction was the catalyst for your children's mother's suicidal depression, in the end her choice to take her own life is similar to the choices of others in such an extreme state of a kind of insane despair.
If your children are able to eventually realize she was a victim of depression, perhaps that will alleviate some of their rage at her addiction. I don't know. I don't know how someone stops being angry and raw with pain when a parent abandons through suicide. But I know that with help, it can happen for your family, and the counselor you see can lead you to right decisions at the right time, as well as your own prayers for God's intervention in your life and in your children's lives.
A man I was mildly acquainted with, an alcoholic, also killed himself and left two children behind. He hiked up a snowy mountain with pills and alcohol to die. The act seems so damnably selfish. But i believe it was the severe depression which finally warped his choices.
Your children will heal through love, and so will you. Please don't give up on love. reach out for it, ask for it, hold onto it, however you can.
Wishing you comfort....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Peter.....I am so very sorry for all that you are going through and will for years to come.
The kids will be dealing with this for a long time and its sad that they are refusing the help that they need but don't realize it. All you can do is stand strong for them and answer any questions that will eventually crop up. And they will have a ton of them. Try not to blame yourself for any of it because she had choices and she made them. We just can't live their lives for them can we??
Keep posting and you have my prayers sweetie.
I too have lost a couple of people to this disease and its painful to go through as an adult so I can only imagine the pain that the children are feeling right now.
Janitw
The kids will be dealing with this for a long time and its sad that they are refusing the help that they need but don't realize it. All you can do is stand strong for them and answer any questions that will eventually crop up. And they will have a ton of them. Try not to blame yourself for any of it because she had choices and she made them. We just can't live their lives for them can we??
Keep posting and you have my prayers sweetie.
I too have lost a couple of people to this disease and its painful to go through as an adult so I can only imagine the pain that the children are feeling right now.
Janitw
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Pete...my heart goes out to you and your family. You have all had so much to deal with. You are all suffering/grieiving in different ways.
My best friend commited suicide last year after suffering years of depression......it is a terrible thing to have to deal with and everyday is still very hard without her. It is harder for her husband and her two small boys although they seem to be actually doing quite well (too young too understand everything at their age...but I am sure they will have many questions when they are old enough to understand). Many of us are left with they why? did she do it ....I went to grief counselling which helped enourmously - I know she was in a desperate place to have ended it all - had she been in her right mind she never would have left her boys. I loved her dearly and miss her dearly but feel now atleast she is at peace :0) and this was something she couldn't find here on earth poor darling.
I do understand that your poor children have anger resentment and grief to deal with and of couse it has to be aimed at someone close - and for that I am so so sorry for you as if it hasn't been hard enough....I think you will have to weather the storm get as much help for yourself as you can to help you deal with it all and hopefully in time they will also come round. You all need time to deal with this terrible tramour - it has affected you all in very different ways and of course you all had different experiences with your wife....to them that was there mother how could anyone say anything bad about her and for you that was your wife and te mother of your children and of course you would have seen alot more of the affect of this terrible disease on her than they probably did.
Please know you are not alone and keep posting here. Maybe seek some counselling if you haven't already and I really wish for you all the best at this terribly difficult time.
Take Care Phiz :0)
My best friend commited suicide last year after suffering years of depression......it is a terrible thing to have to deal with and everyday is still very hard without her. It is harder for her husband and her two small boys although they seem to be actually doing quite well (too young too understand everything at their age...but I am sure they will have many questions when they are old enough to understand). Many of us are left with they why? did she do it ....I went to grief counselling which helped enourmously - I know she was in a desperate place to have ended it all - had she been in her right mind she never would have left her boys. I loved her dearly and miss her dearly but feel now atleast she is at peace :0) and this was something she couldn't find here on earth poor darling.
I do understand that your poor children have anger resentment and grief to deal with and of couse it has to be aimed at someone close - and for that I am so so sorry for you as if it hasn't been hard enough....I think you will have to weather the storm get as much help for yourself as you can to help you deal with it all and hopefully in time they will also come round. You all need time to deal with this terrible tramour - it has affected you all in very different ways and of course you all had different experiences with your wife....to them that was there mother how could anyone say anything bad about her and for you that was your wife and te mother of your children and of course you would have seen alot more of the affect of this terrible disease on her than they probably did.
Please know you are not alone and keep posting here. Maybe seek some counselling if you haven't already and I really wish for you all the best at this terribly difficult time.
Take Care Phiz :0)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Portsmouth, Hants
Posts: 2
Thanks to all
I would just like to say thank you to all of you who have replied with such kind and encouraging words to my posting.
I am sure we will get through, no matter how hard it may seem right now.
Pete
I am sure we will get through, no matter how hard it may seem right now.
Pete
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