New here
 

I've been perusing this board for a while and thought I'd officially introduce myself. I'm married to an alcoholic, who has never received treatment and rarely openly admits he has a problem.

He drinks every single day. Usually just beer, and even after 6 or 7, is usually able to "look sober". So I never really know how much he's had. I know he has a problem, he knows he has a problem. But I'm pretty sure he's not changing, so now I'm battling whether or not this is something I can live with indefinitely. His occupation is also a heavily drinking one. He works late, then hangs out with people from work...drinking. Then drives home. I'm sure if he got pulled over, many times he would get a DUI, although he never has.

There was a time a few years ago, when his schedule was different, that he would start drinking around 3 in the afternoon. Both beer and hard liquor. So he'd often be drunk before I was off work. These days, that doesn't happen, so part of me thinks that since he's improved on that, he thinks he's doing well. Well, it's still a major problem to me.

He's never abusive, usually not mean. Though he'll start getting that way if I get mad about him drinking.

When we met, I was young and having a good time. Partying in college and such. He's 7 years my senior, and I thought he was just the most fun. Well now that I've grown up, it's not always fun anymore.

I'm thinking of going to my first al anon meeting this week. I'm really nervous about it though, because of my own anxieties over new and different situations (and going alone freaks me out). But I can't keep constantly feeling awful about my life and my marriage (though some days are great...funny how that works).

Hiya Earthgirl!

Muster that courage and try that AlAnon meeting!!
You can just sit quietly and listen, there is no obligation to speak.

AlAnon really turned my head around. Gave me some good tools and started me on a road of self-discovery and positive change. They say to try to go to 6 meetings before you decide if it is for you. That first meeting can seem awkward but remember everyone is there for the same reason as you, and everyone walked in nervous and feeling all alone to that first meeting!

Good luck- stick around SR too and keep reading & posting!!
Peace-
B.

Welcome, earthgirl!

I can understand the nervousness about the first meeting.
If it makes you feel any better, my first Alanon meeting wasn't anywhere close to as nerve-wracking as I thought it would be. Just a bunch of nice people (many of whom seemed to have their lives pretty well together!) sitting around discussing what worked for them and what they were working on.

No one asked me to speak. I just sat and listened.

It wasn't earth-shattering, but it gave me a taste of what recovery (for me) could look like - Peace.
No one at the meeting was openly weeping or complaining about how difficult their life was. No one was talking negatively about their alcoholic loved ones. They were serene and loving and self-aware. It was an inspiring and encouraging experience.

Good for you for taking steps to improve your life. I know that it isn't easy to watch someone you love drink destructively. I applaud your ability to distinguish between "what is a problem for you" and "what is a problem for him." Your problems matter, too.

Keep posting and take care.
I'm glad that you're here.
-TC

earthgirl18, Welcome

Your story is like mine. I met my AH in college. The drinking was fun, the problem was he kept drinking more and more. My AHs drink of choice was beer. I now says that in part he was able to live in denial because he told himself he was only drinking beer. I could go on but that is his story.

I went to Alanon by myself also, and I was very afraid of what I would find.
I did talk to a person that I had worked with that turned out be active in AA, (I had no idea) and she was a comfort and encouraged me to go.

I will do that for you. Do go to a meeting and if its not a good fit, try a different meeting. They should have a schedule at the meeting. Go at least 6 times. You don't have to talk, you can just sit and listen. (or like me cry, do what you need to do)

What I learned at Alanon and here at SR is that this is my life and I get to make choices about what I want to do and how I want to live.

Good luck and welcome. :c012:

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I think if I can get over the fear of just walking in that meeting room, I'll be a-ok.

Though this is not a fun club to be in, it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

Welcome, earthgirl18, glad you're here!

I was so afraid to go to a meeting, I put it off for a year. I hope you'll go; just wanted to let you know I understand that fear.

((( )))

earthgirl, your story sounds so much like mine! i thought my guy was just the most free-spirited, fun-loving man i'd ever met (and he still is/can be), but i thought he would grow out of the beer. it took a long time for me to realize the beer was a problem ... and just how much of a problem it was.

i haven't posted here much, and i've only been to one al-anon meeting (i cried the whole time!), but i'll watch for your posts to see how we're progressing!

big hugs, sweetie -- this is a great site and will help you lots.

I too was scared to go to al-anon. Ive been twice now and still figuring it out, but I felt much better after both meetings. There is no pressure to share, which makes it nice, but I found myself really wanting to share because I knew it was a safe place and with people that would understand my situation! good luck, and this website has done wonders for me as well!

It's nice to see some other new al anon-ers.

Did you all tell her significant others that you were attending the meetings? I'm leaning toward yes, but he'll be at work, so there's no pressure to tell if I don't want to.

I did not tell him outright, but if he had asked I would not have hesitated. Many alcoholics can get bristly when they know you're exploring Al-Anon (my sister literally came unglued when her husband told her). I wanted to avoid that, at least at first, so I could truly absorb the experience without his judgment echoing in my ears. Your husband may be different.

Good luck. I know it was one of the best things I ever did for myself, but I was scared s**tless. One caveat: I had to go to three different meetings before settling on one that had the right chemistry for me (the third time was a charm) No big deal, but just so you're aware......

Take good care of yourself. I'm glad you're doing this, and I'm glad you're here with us.

:ghug3

Hey EG18,
Some of what you're saying could have been written by my wife before I got sober in July. Beer was my drink. Six or seven and looking sober, np. Could have been nailed for DUI's, yes. And I was starting to get to be no fun to be around. She knew I drank, and she knew I drank too much, but she didn't know how much I drank.

I'm no expert on this, so I'd definitely go to the meeting and also listen to the friends/families here, but my take is this: Your husband is an alcoholic in denial. That's why he doesn't like you confronting him with it. He has a disease which is causing him not to be himself towards you.

If you think you want to ask any questions of someone that's been on the other side of what you're going through, I'll see if I can answer.

earthgirl, In my case I did not tell my AH that I was going to Alanon at first. I went to noon meetings on a weekday so there was no reason he would know. I found that Alanon was something I needed to do for me.

When I did tell him, he let me know that he did not have a problem with alcohol and his only concern was that people would think he did. He started asking me to go to lunch on the day of the meetings. Funny never wanted to go to lunch before. :wink3:

Al Anon has opened my eyes. I thank God every day that I found the courage to go to that first meeting. I found people there just like me! It was amazing. My heart goes out to you...my situation is very similiar. My husband would make me feel he was in control and give me hope. He was never mean to me or the kids. He would stop for a while, then go on a "binge". I went to a meeting out of desperation, and found a program I never knew existed. I wish I had gone years ago. Good luck

I didn't tell my wife for the first couple of months. Started doing some of the suggestions, she accused me of having a girlfriend! Guess there were some changes in me. My group got a good laugh out of that. Ha!

After she found out, not very pleased. A few months later a CPS judge "sentenced" me to Alanon. Almost three years now 2-3 per week.... and I'll continue for life, no doubt.

I feel like Alanon and it's kind loving members saved my life, my sanity for sure!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

I didn't "tell" until about 6 months in. When I did, xAH stopped speaking to me and filed for divorce.

:c029: Sounds like your HP was working overtime.