amberrose

Actually he says it's FIVE meetings he's been too - all different groups. I don't believe it either obviously. I would bet money he went to the one I went to with him and maybe one more but that's it.

Now he is saying that he wants to ask his brother to sponsor him. His brother lives six hours away. I said I always see his brother drinking at family events and his wife getting angry about it - is he really recovering and is he in AA? My husband said he is trying anyway and he knows his brother has been in some program that might have been AA. Apparently the standards for people he wants to be his sponsor are much lower than those he holds AA members to. I suggested that perhaps his brother would be a good backup moral support for him in addition to his AA sponsor.

amberrose

Oh, and he's still not living here. He's sleeping in his car in freezing weather so he can complain to people. And he wouldn't even be talking about AA if he was home.

Stubborn1

This is soooooooooo my AH in the beginning. He tried finding a way to drink and keep me happy. He said what I wanted to hear. The thing that you said that had me believing he has no stopped is he told you to hold his credit cards. LMBO. Anyone knows if he wants to drink he could borrow two dollars for a beer or some liquor. He would find a way to do it. They even come home chewing gum or travel with a tooth brush.
He's being too self rightous to be humbled.
You are right to not believe him.
I wouldn't toture him with fighting and being critical but making steps to secure your own future. If he is lying then it's about to snowball into one big mess over the next few years.
Their lies get better and better, it's like they mold like playdoh to hide their drinking. Whatever it takes. It will eventually make you feel like you are crazy. You start checking his things, driving by places, calling people, you may even find hard evidence and he'll lie to you to your face and even that you will still hold on to hope. It's maddening

prodigal

Okay, Amber, now that I've heard about how he's lying his face off and attempting to manipulate you with every tactic in the book ... what about you?

What are you planning to do to take care of yourself? I still don't know what type of abusive behavior he exhibited that was the catalyst for you to throw him out.

You're ticked off at his shenanigans; and rightly so. I felt like a volcano about to erupt when AH started pulling his games on me. I was furious. I was venting to anyone who would listen. After I had vented for about six months, I realized I was exhausted. Talking about the absolutely CRAZY, pity-party, poor-me stuff AH pulled was getting me nowhere.

Actually, it WAS getting me somewhere - crazy. I was hair-pulling nuts. I'd start talking about me, and within minutes I was back on my rant about HIM. That's when I got into an Al-Anon meeting and found a counselor who specialized in addictions/codependency.

So, what now for you?

lostnfound1961

One of the reasons AA works is it is alcohlics helping alcoholic. They want you to have a sponser through AA. He is feeding you a big fat line when he says it should be a family member. You should read the 12 steps and see what they say, That will tell you where he is full of it. Ask him what they are, if he has been to 5 meetings he should be able to tell you what most if not all of them are.

Tell him you want him to work those steps and stay sober for at least a year and then you will revisit the idea of him comming home. If he loves you and he is serious, he will at least try.
Hugs
D

denny57

I practice the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I do believe if someone is serious about recovery they will try (as I do), but I don't think if someone loves me has anything to do with it. Otherwise, I have to say, well, if they don't try, they don't love me. I can't make that call. I have no idea anymore if xAH loved me or not - that is his to own.

lostnfound1961

I stand corrected. You are right. Besides his getting sober is something he must do for him self.
Thanks denny

DJMH

Wow........I didnt even think that was literally possible.

I am so sorry to have read that. I feel terrible for you. We alcholics do enough damage.....it is a such a shame that it went that far. <<<hug>>>

YellowRed

Agree with Stubborn that this sounds like the kind of thing my STBXAH used to say. Would do anything to make me think he had accepted he ws an A and was working a program, when all he was doing was finding more elaborate ways to hide his drinking. Until the A truly accepts they are an A, there isn't realy anything anyone can do to help or support them. Some of what your post said sounded very much like quacking to me, given my own past experience.

I found Al-Anon incredibly helpful in helping me avoid becoming obsessed with trying to find out whether it was 'true' he was working the program, searching every hiding place for alcohol etc. Listening to other people who'd done the same thing and many of us had literally made ourselves crazy over it, was a huge wake up for me. I stopped bothering about whether he was really working the program or sober, and focused on me and my issues and what I wanted to do with my life. I also learned not to try to 'rationalise' my instincts - my doubts turned out to be true; I had spent many years masking them orexplaining them away either by giving validity to a lot of the cr*p he told me, as well as a good dose of self-doubt he helped to plant in me along the way.

Please take care of yourself, this is mission critical! What he is doing and whether he's really atarting recovery is up to him. Time will tell, but whatever the outcome for him, hopefully you will have found out some things about yourself and spent time doing something worthwhile - i.e. focusing on you!

best of luck.

shariff

I've had a similar experience, I thought my mother had quit after umpteen times of saying so, I was almost convinced until I realised she was drinking late at night or at times she was sure I wouldn't see her. It sounds like you already know the truth but you don't want to believe it yet. Hope everything works out for you.

Blondie

This all sounds very familiar. My AH also said that he was not like "those people" in AA because he only drank beer and they were all "losers". Only time will tell if he has quit, and as stated: Actions speak louder then words. My AH only went the 30 days so he could get signatures on a piece of paper to show the judge he was "serious" about getting help. After the trouble had past it was business as usual for my AH.

I went to individual counseling for myself and al-anon because I felt drained and completely confused. Like others, it helped me a lot. It took my focus off of what he was doing and let me focus on myself and my kids. I never realized how much of my time and energy was wrapped up in worrying about his drinking.

Blaming you for him living in his car is just another way of trying to make you feel guilty. It is his choice to live in his car because he has other place to go.

amberrose

I told him I don't want him to even ask about coming back for three months. He's going to find a place to live.

Now he's saying maybe his friend from a work would be a good sponsor. This friend is an ex drug addict who ended up in a divorce over it. He asked his friend if he thought it was possible for someone to just stop drinking cold turkey and never have a craving. His friend said "Sure, I did it and no one believed me either!" So basically he is looking for a sponsor who will tell him what he wants to hear.

He's starting individual counseling and our therapist knows about this and says he's still in denial, so I'll leave it to her to set him straight.

stone

What is the point of him getting a sponsor if he doesn't identify with members of AA?

I really hope he is serious about sobering up but lying about the family member as sponsor thing is a big red flag as everyone has said. And a meeting full of newcomers? Hmm....

Not everyone needs AA though and some people, when faced with their drinking can just quit...I hope that is what has happened.