Is it bad that I want him to hurt? He probably doesn't even care.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Is it bad that I want him to hurt? He probably doesn't even care.
The A has not tried contacting me today. I wouldn't answer, I feel pretty strong, but it bothers me hasn't tried to call, that he just doesn't even care. How can he not hurt at all, and miss me? I know it's bad that I want him to hurt, but it just doesn't seem fair. Of course, he can just go home and drink and feel better. In the past, he has always called, like he did yesterday, and if I was healthy I would be relieved, but I'm not. I want him to fight for me. Is this a control thing?
I went to the Al-Anon meeting last night, 10 minutes early (or so I thought). Only to walk in in a meeting that had started at 7:00 (not 8:00, like I thought). So needless to say I was discouraged, I cried all the way home. But they told me there was a meeting today, at 11, so I made an excuse to leave work for a while, and I am so glad that I did. I am committed to going, and I see such hope in those people, just as I do on this board.
Still doing 5 minutes at a time.
I went to the Al-Anon meeting last night, 10 minutes early (or so I thought). Only to walk in in a meeting that had started at 7:00 (not 8:00, like I thought). So needless to say I was discouraged, I cried all the way home. But they told me there was a meeting today, at 11, so I made an excuse to leave work for a while, and I am so glad that I did. I am committed to going, and I see such hope in those people, just as I do on this board.
Still doing 5 minutes at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
is this a control thing?
Unfortunately, yeah, it is. But it's normal. We're human, you know? We want to be able to control all of the aspects of our life so we minimize our chances of getting hurt. If he'd just act the way you wanted him to act, you'd hurt less, right? So why doesn't he get with the program?
With each passing day, SC11, you'll let go more and more of needing him to be a certain way and act a certain way to make you feel better about having done the right thing. You'll focus more on your own life/choices/actions/happiness, and not on his. You can be happy no matter what choices he makes.
Remember too that he's an A: you could drive yourself to the funny farm trying to guess why he does (or doesn't) feel/do/act/behave the way you hope he would. As much as you can, try to let go. Meetings will be a great help.
That was my mantra for several weeks: Let go.
And this: Left. Right. Repeat.
And this: I will be fine.
Hugs,
GL
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
If he'd just act the way you wanted him to act, you'd hurt less, right? So why doesn't he get with the program?
With each passing day, SC11, you'll let go more and more of needing him to be a certain way and act a certain way to make you feel better about having done the right thing.
Also, what is real: He went to the bar while I was at an Al-Anon meeting. How much more clear could he be that he is not going to change.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
I wanted mine to fight for me - to recognize how great I was.
I wanted him to see me as a prize - a prize that he was going to lose if he didn't get his act together.
It came down to me being insecure in my own worth. I couldn't recognize my own inherent value - I needed him to give me value.
When I started recognizing the source of the emotion I became better able to deal when it came up.
-TC
I wanted him to see me as a prize - a prize that he was going to lose if he didn't get his act together.
It came down to me being insecure in my own worth. I couldn't recognize my own inherent value - I needed him to give me value.
When I started recognizing the source of the emotion I became better able to deal when it came up.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
SC -
You didn't just kick him out because he went to the bar.
You kicked him out because he did bad things and landed in jail, because he was abusive, because he's controlling and manipulative and irresponsible and a blame-slinger, because he's an alcoholic, because you gave him chance after chance and he blew every one, and because you don't want to see your child using him as a role model and ending up an alcoholic too.
AND he went to the bar when you were at an Al-Anon meeting.
Don't forget the backstory. You're making yourself sound like a mean villain. You're not. You did the right thing, and it happens to be very hard.
ToughChoices is (as usual) right: You are valuable no matter what he does or says. Can you see that? Can you see that you were dropped down here on this planet by God to contribute some gift that only you can give us, NOT just to pine for a man who has abused your kindness over and over?
Hang in there, girl. It will get easier if you stay the course.
Five minutes at a time!
You didn't just kick him out because he went to the bar.
You kicked him out because he did bad things and landed in jail, because he was abusive, because he's controlling and manipulative and irresponsible and a blame-slinger, because he's an alcoholic, because you gave him chance after chance and he blew every one, and because you don't want to see your child using him as a role model and ending up an alcoholic too.
AND he went to the bar when you were at an Al-Anon meeting.
Don't forget the backstory. You're making yourself sound like a mean villain. You're not. You did the right thing, and it happens to be very hard.
ToughChoices is (as usual) right: You are valuable no matter what he does or says. Can you see that? Can you see that you were dropped down here on this planet by God to contribute some gift that only you can give us, NOT just to pine for a man who has abused your kindness over and over?
Hang in there, girl. It will get easier if you stay the course.
Five minutes at a time!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I wanted mine to fight for me - to recognize how great I was.
I wanted him to see me as a prize - a prize that he was going to lose if he didn't get his act together.
I wanted him to see me as a prize - a prize that he was going to lose if he didn't get his act together.
It came down to me being insecure in my own worth. I couldn't recognize my own inherent value - I needed him to give me value
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
You didn't just kick him out because he went to the bar.
You kicked him out because he did bad things and landed in jail, because he was abusive, because he's controlling and manipulative and irresponsible and a blame-slinger, because he's an alcoholic, because you gave him chance after chance and he blew every one, and because you don't want to see your child using him as a role model and ending up an alcoholic too.
AND he went to the bar when you were at an Al-Anon meeting.
Don't forget the backstory. You're making yourself sound like a mean villain. You're not. You did the right thing, and it happens to be very hard.
ToughChoices is (as usual) right: You are valuable no matter what he does or says. Can you see that? Can you see that you were dropped down here on this planet by God to contribute some gift that only you can give us, NOT just to pine for a man who has abused your kindness over and over?
You kicked him out because he did bad things and landed in jail, because he was abusive, because he's controlling and manipulative and irresponsible and a blame-slinger, because he's an alcoholic, because you gave him chance after chance and he blew every one, and because you don't want to see your child using him as a role model and ending up an alcoholic too.
AND he went to the bar when you were at an Al-Anon meeting.
Don't forget the backstory. You're making yourself sound like a mean villain. You're not. You did the right thing, and it happens to be very hard.
ToughChoices is (as usual) right: You are valuable no matter what he does or says. Can you see that? Can you see that you were dropped down here on this planet by God to contribute some gift that only you can give us, NOT just to pine for a man who has abused your kindness over and over?
You guys always just have the right thing to say....thanks a bunch!
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I don't assume that because xAH is "rid" of me and gets to drink all the time, he is happy. Based on conversations, or shares I've heard at open AA meetings, I'd more likely assume he is miserable. Nothing about alcoholism is fun.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Nothing about alcoholism is fun.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I just realized part of the problem. I am feeling guilty, because I feel that I contributed to all of the problems we were having. I don't blame myself for everything, but I feel that my codependency definitely contributed to things. So now I'm left with "what if I would have done....".
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
Well, yeah!
Gosh, I really really hope you are right. Because I still am obsessing over if him going to the bar warranted being kicked out of the house. But then I have to remember...if I wouldn't have kicked him out, would I be ok with him going to the bar whenever he wants while I sit home alone? Because that is what is REAL. And the answer to that right now is "No.
Gosh, I really really hope you are right. Because I still am obsessing over if him going to the bar warranted being kicked out of the house. But then I have to remember...if I wouldn't have kicked him out, would I be ok with him going to the bar whenever he wants while I sit home alone? Because that is what is REAL. And the answer to that right now is "No.
Peace
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Contributing and causing are two different things.
Codependency definitely contributes to alcoholism. The two go hand in hand.
I say this so that you won't feel unique in your contribution to the problem.
I definitely contributed.
Now I'm all done - my role in the mess is complete!
Codependency definitely contributes to alcoholism. The two go hand in hand.
I say this so that you won't feel unique in your contribution to the problem.
I definitely contributed.
Now I'm all done - my role in the mess is complete!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
OH man Soconfused,
I'm so feeling so much of what you're feeling ... I'm definitely wrestling with overreacting to my ex's last action ... I know the reality is that he most likely was lying to me and was going to spend all of our rent money on partying with his friends, but up until that time, he was staying out of trouble ... it's so hard for me to remind myself that ya, maybe he was staying out of trouble, but he still wasn't helping out unless i begged and nagged for days, he wasn't showing me any affection, and I felt like he'd rather be away from me than near me most days .... he still had this secret life that i didn't know about, and it all hurt me ... and it wasn't just ONE thing ... as someone else already said, it was a combination of everything else ... all the 2nd chances, all the promises to change, all the lies, all the stealing, and it all added up ... and ya, maybe i overreacted on that one occasion, but it was because it had been building for sooo long ... MY resentment, frustration etc ... at his lack of interest in doing anything FOR our relationship and only taking what was good for him ...
I definitely also want him to fight for me ... to see what a good thing we had before and want it back ... and I know I also struggle with self-worth issues ... but knowing all of this doesn't stop the hurting ... I still miss him so very much ...
I have such a hard time reminding myself of the "back story" because a lot of the back story was really good too ... and I miss those times. I often wonder if I just expected too much from him all at once ... he really didn't have the coping skills that I had and we were going thru such a rough time ... I wish that I had given it some more time at our new home before I gave up ... I wonder if things would have gotten better once things settled here ...
I find myself always questioning what was really a problem and what i imagined as a problem ... I still don't even know WHAT sort of drugs he was using, if any ... if he was trying to stop, if he was doing all kinds of things behind my back ... so I have so many unanswered questions that I feel would help me understand and accept more if I knew the truth ... I'm the type of person who always wants to understand the "why" and I can't answer those questions myself so I'm going nuts obsessing over a lot of it ... trying to rationalize it and put pieces together as best I can ...
I also wonder so much about if I'd just stuck to firmer boundaries if he'd have more respect for me and then our relationship would have survived ... I've heard so often that you teach people how to treat you ... so I basically taught him I was a doormat ... and maybe if i'd had a harder line with him, he'd have fought harder to keep me ... no one likes a weak person ... *sigh*
I'm so feeling so much of what you're feeling ... I'm definitely wrestling with overreacting to my ex's last action ... I know the reality is that he most likely was lying to me and was going to spend all of our rent money on partying with his friends, but up until that time, he was staying out of trouble ... it's so hard for me to remind myself that ya, maybe he was staying out of trouble, but he still wasn't helping out unless i begged and nagged for days, he wasn't showing me any affection, and I felt like he'd rather be away from me than near me most days .... he still had this secret life that i didn't know about, and it all hurt me ... and it wasn't just ONE thing ... as someone else already said, it was a combination of everything else ... all the 2nd chances, all the promises to change, all the lies, all the stealing, and it all added up ... and ya, maybe i overreacted on that one occasion, but it was because it had been building for sooo long ... MY resentment, frustration etc ... at his lack of interest in doing anything FOR our relationship and only taking what was good for him ...
I definitely also want him to fight for me ... to see what a good thing we had before and want it back ... and I know I also struggle with self-worth issues ... but knowing all of this doesn't stop the hurting ... I still miss him so very much ...
I have such a hard time reminding myself of the "back story" because a lot of the back story was really good too ... and I miss those times. I often wonder if I just expected too much from him all at once ... he really didn't have the coping skills that I had and we were going thru such a rough time ... I wish that I had given it some more time at our new home before I gave up ... I wonder if things would have gotten better once things settled here ...
I find myself always questioning what was really a problem and what i imagined as a problem ... I still don't even know WHAT sort of drugs he was using, if any ... if he was trying to stop, if he was doing all kinds of things behind my back ... so I have so many unanswered questions that I feel would help me understand and accept more if I knew the truth ... I'm the type of person who always wants to understand the "why" and I can't answer those questions myself so I'm going nuts obsessing over a lot of it ... trying to rationalize it and put pieces together as best I can ...
I also wonder so much about if I'd just stuck to firmer boundaries if he'd have more respect for me and then our relationship would have survived ... I've heard so often that you teach people how to treat you ... so I basically taught him I was a doormat ... and maybe if i'd had a harder line with him, he'd have fought harder to keep me ... no one likes a weak person ... *sigh*
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