Stubborn1

If I file for a divorce and he's a jerk and decides he wants visitations just to tick me off does he get granted that? Do I have to prove he's an alcoholic or just have witnesses? Protecting my children is my first priority. Can any offer advice or if anyone has been in this situation. How do you stop them from getting in the car with the alcoholic?

Silverberry1331

Hi Stubborn,

I am not sure how that works, perhaps an attorney can talk to you about that.

My AH and his EX had issues with the children, the Department of Children and Family were involved. As you know from being a Florida resident that can be a very good and very horrible thing. It turned out although the DCF was involved over an incident with his Ex-wife's drinking, they BOTH had to do parenting classes, court dates, and counseling, while the children were unable to live with either of them until one of them completed the program.

Turns out my husband thought that it was unfair for him to have to do such "crap" for "her problems" as he put it, that she completed first. He refused to do it. The results were a no contact order for the children until he compiled.

That was just the experience that I know of. This order stuck despite the civil divorce case which granted Don joint custody.

Hope this helps...or atleast gives some insight.

Chrysalis123

I have been divorced for 3 months. I found that a visit with a lawyer was immensely helpful to answer those kind of questions. Often a consultation is free or minimal compared to the hourly rate of the lawyer. A lot depends on the laws of your state. I felt so much better after the consultation because the lawyer carefully explained where I stood from a legal point of view.

Stubborn1

I will do that. I don't think he will take the class so that would work in my favor. I think I remember something about that years ago. Ohhhhhh if I would have went through with it when I had the free help I could have saved years of heartache and hatered. I am so kicking myself.

ToughChoices

My lawyer was very reassuring about my ability to maintain physical custody of my son.
BUT...
She emphasized the importance of having evidence regarding his alcohol abuse:
rehab bills
court documents
records from counseling sessions
photos of empty alcohol bottles
letters or email in which he admitted "the problem"

AND...
She made it clear that divorce doesn't separate children from parents, even if one parent has physical custody and the other is an alcoholic. The courts still tend to rule that a child's best interest is served through active involvement with both parents. If the judge knows that alcohol is a major part of the equation, the visitation schedule can be adjusted to protect the child (i.e. supervised only, no overnights, etc...).

All that to say, there was a time when I thought I should just get a divorce and completely remove my AH from my life and my son's life - the legal system didn't share my enthusiasm for that plan.

-TC

veryrestless722

can you not go to legal aid and get help and answers for all this?

im paranoid right now, cause im worried if i file for divorce then my Xah can get visitations to my son, hes not born yet and im gonna try to not put him on the birth certificate , so he would have to prove paternity before he could get visitation, but i dont know how to file and show i have a kid but that its "not" his, or if they will make me put him on the birth certificate and ill be forced to list my son on the divorce papers

i dont think my Xah would get a lawyer, he dont ever have any money cause he spends it all on alcohol, but i dont want to take any chances on him having visitations, and i have no proof of his alcoholism because i never called the cops and he is a very convincing liar

im thinking of filing , as i dont really know where he is, we dont have much contact at all, that way i run it in the paper for three months and i get a divorce by default, if i cant do that then ill just stay married i could care less about a piece of paper, im not ever getting married again, so if thats what i have to do in order to protect my child then i will

im also in florida, so when you get this all figured out, i would appreicate some input on how things went for you and if you had to give him visitations also, thanks

good luck

tennis71

First and foremost, I am sorry to her that you have to start the divorce process.

I would consult with an attorney licensed to practice in your state (make sure they handle family law / divorce law). Laws do vary from state to state so what works for someone in Washington, for example, may not work for someone in Florida. Also, since your children are involved, it would be a good idea not to leave anything to chance.

Before you contact an attorney, try to come up with questions that you need the attorney to answer. For example, what are the chances of your husband getting full visitation, do your assets have to be split 50/50 and so on. In other words, prepare for the meeting just as you would for a job interview. This post should give you some great ideas on what to ask during a consultation if you chose to set one up. I have seen some good information in the replies so far.

Good luck and thanks for sharing about your situation.

:praying

cmc

A good resource is the local domestic violence center. They will know all about the help available and may even be able to set you up with an attorney that they recommend.

Stubborn1

I personally can not go to legal aid because I filed for this divorce through them and then backed out. You only get one shot.

I thought today was a break though but I guess not. He was crying and asking if I loved him and I said I will always love him because he gave me three children but he only heard "I love you" and he asked if I would want him home and I said "only if you were sober" and he heard "come home". So when he called tonight he had it all figured out. He would come home and he would get better. I had to tell him real quick that's NOT how the conversation happend. So he tried to pick a fight so he could hang up and not get treatment so I told him I would do it for him and hung up. I don't have time for his mess.
He knows what he has to do, I hear the excuses as to why he can't get help.....the ER would only tranq him......blah blah.........this rehab down where I am didn't help last time (another excuse)...........he called the rehabs up where he is (but yet he says he quit that job)...........then he HAS to train a front desk girl...........so many reasons why he can't get help right now. He catches himself slur but he hasn't been drinking.......sick sick sick. If he were a dog I would put him out of his misery.
Tomorrow is a new day. I'll talk to an attorney.
For now my inlaws (his dad) sent me money for the water and electric. I thought that was nice. Thank God for them

veryrestless722

oh i didnt know you only get one shot with legal aid, thanks for that info, ive just never had to use things like this
im on food stamps now, WIC, and medicaid and its all just confusing for me, so ive held off on legal aid so far, thats just more stress to add to me

im glad you got money for your water and electric thats great!

hadenoughnow

After 16 years of marriage to an A I knew what his weaknesses were and used them to my advantage.

1. He is obsessed with having enough money to drink/smoke so I knew that he would not want to spend money on an attorney (sure enough he went to 3 but never actually hired one)

2. He is lazy and acts helpless and is horrible about follow through

3. He knows that I am 10 times more determined, resourceful and intelligent than he is

4. He fears scrutiny from goverment and does not want the court "all up in his business"


I filed and TOLD him that he would get 50% of our assets and nothing more and that that hell would freeze over before I paid him alimony, CS or ANY cash at all, if necessary I would put the house on the market where it would sit and sit and sit and he would wait and wait and wait but I would not under any circumstances borrow money to settle with him.

All it took was the threat of a custody eval (that he would have to pay for) to get him to fold and sign.

coyote21

I'm in the same boat, every time my dd has contact w/AXW her behavior at school goes in the dumper, I don't see where any relationship with an active addict would be in a kids best interest? :wtf2

Any body care to explain that to me?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. CPS was fully involved with both my custody battles. Couldn't done it without them.

nowinsituation

Hadenough - please come be my lawyer. I keep getting my hopes for a financial settlement; and we just keep spinning the wheels. My "helpless" STBXAH did hire a lawyer -- and I am wondering what the HE** my lawyer is doing for me.

1. X wants to keep the house
2. House is rural - no public transportatin
3. X can't drive (legally blind)
4. X hasn't worked for over 10 years
5. X could get training & get a job (but not according to his lawyer)
6. X can't get too a job since he has no public transportation
7. X could move to less expensive housing with public transportation
8. It would be "too hard" for him to get re-oriented in a new location (his lawyer)
9. They want me to pay him alimony (at a level to let him live in the more expensive house) for the next 20 years.
10. I can't afford that -- not to mention it would slowly suck out what's left of my soul!
11. Division of assets means he would owe me a chunk of change.
12. I offered to forgo that if no alimony - none, ever.
13. That's not good enough.
14. I think I should make him sell the house - my lawyer is not giving me any advice!

Sorry to hijack. I am so depressed and helpless about this situation. Will you all please pray for me?

Techie1701

The law in Florida may be quite different, but where I am, if you are married, the child is your husbands, and you would have to prove that the child isn't your husbands. Just getting divorced won't change that.

hadenoughnow

You need a new lawyer, there are laws in every state governing property division (usually 50/50), he cannot simply decide that he wants to stay in the house if he can't pay for it and make you give him alimony for 20 years. I would ask for professional mediation too.

veryrestless722

i didnt mean a divorce would mean its not his, im trying to not put him in the birth certificate, most people ive talked to say he has to be there to sign in order to be put on the birth certificate i dont know, ive never been through this before

felicidade

I cannot agree more that a lawyer - a board certified family law lawyer - is what you need. The law in FL regarding custody/visitation changed Oct 1. It's now called "shared parental responsibiity" and "time sharing." This may be semantics now, but it will eventually become more real with the courts in FL.

What ToughChoices wrote is exactly what my attorney in FL told me. Also, the more work you do on your behalf - collecting, organizing, summarizing information - for your attorney will save you money and could give you a better outcome.

Stubborn1

I would prefer him NOT in their lives. Florida does suck when it comes to addicts. The courts don't care. They see it as a woman who is scorn trying to punish the man. They do not realize the pain the children have already been through.
I can say I do have a few things in my favor, I attend co-dependant meetings and starting the divorce class tonight. I've had the kids in counseling and the pictures they drew do not have him in it which shows he has not been active in their lives. The only thing he can prove is he doesn't pay child support, he's working under the table. I'm sure the judge will see his character.
If the court would divide to my side and his side he would have no one on his side. All my friends and family would go just for the sake of it to make sure he would not be able to drive with them. One thing he knows without a doubt is I will do ANYTHING to protect those kids and will plow over anything that stands in my way.
He's already a beaten dog and I don't think he would fight me. It's just the thought of a judge actually saying "you get joint custody" makes me want to vomit.
I have no idea why Florida is this way, they are not keeping children safe.

veryrestless722

ive hated florida since i moved here 7 years ago, and i hate it even more knowing all this, say my X filed for visitation or custody would i have enough time to move out of state or does that tie me to this state??