clep

Thank you. A start is certainly better than a painful end from my perspective. Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate your input. I do hope all goes well for you with the difficulties in your life. Sounds like you have the situation well in hand for yourself.

FormerDoormat

I waited for 25 years for my alcoholic boyfriend to get his act together. When one thing wasn't working, I tried another and another all in an attempt to get my desired results: life long sobriety, a loving partner, a responsible parent, a good role model for my daughter. But I was never able to achieve the desired results and he died of alcoholism last year with a bottle at his side.

I have analyzed my actions and my boyfriend's actions to death. And here's what I've come up with: I can't change others' behaviors and actions, but I can certainly change mine.

Alanon helped me tremendously once I started to work the program with an open mind.

clep

Is this about what you think he should do or not?

I can only express my thoughts and feelings of what I believe would be good for all involved. I cannot speak for anyone else. Of course my ideas are based on what I think should happen. If we did not have a child it would affect the situation would be much easier. Our child let's me know what is most important and that is patience, compromise and the willingness to do whatever we can for the sake of that child. Moving out should be a last resort I believe after other avenues have been explored and have not made a positive difference. That should not be the first option when the pain of a child is involved in my opinion.

I am angry and irritated at the thought of watching our son go through more play therapists, watching him act out, cry one minute then laugh and scream the next, wake up in the night often, show fear of abandonment, lose the confidence he has been gaining in himself and kick, scream and yell while acting out since he does not have the ability to effectively communicate his feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. I believe it is natural to feel emotion regardless of what kind it is while watching our child go through a challenge that is too much for them at the age and stage they are at.

Less is more. Less control over others actually results in more control over others, if you know what I mean.

This is not about controlling his father, but avoiding what I mentioned above. Dad and I both think the idea mentioned above will bring the same results without the negative repercussions. Why use a bomb if only a firecracker is needed?

Perhaps, he needs to find his own way in this life the same way you and I need to find our own way.

Everyone needs to find their own way and you are right. I fully agree with that. I am just wondering where the boundary lies with how many people are hurt in the process and the extent of the pain they are required to feel.

Thanks for reading and your input.

clep

I am so sorry to hear of the commitment you made to making things work that was unsuccessful. I am also so sorry to hear of his passing.

I completely understand the context of what you are saying. It is important to know when a person has given all they can, and detach when it is required. For me I have to watch closely that I am not devoting myself to something he isn't. If that was the case I do not feel we would be together at all.

You are so right, I can't change his actions or decisions but I don't have to like them. I would be curious to know what differences Alanon made for you. I have done the questionnaire to see if it would be right for me and every response I had said that it wasn't. I Do you feel it can be good for us regardless of the situation, length of recovery, where we are at personally?

historyteach

ESH = Experience, Strength and Hope.
It's what we share with other members. Our *own* ESH.
I can only share what has worked or not worked for me.
I am in no position to tell you what to do for your life; it's not mine; I'm not living it; and I don't know you well enough to presume to make those decisions for you.

But, I can share what has worked for me.
Then, you can take what you need, and leave the rest, as you make your own decisions or your life, like any mature adult does. Because, in the end, we are all responsible for our own actions.

And if I try to tell you what to do, then, I'm really trying to control you. That's not helpful nor is it loving. I share my ESH to share what has worked for me, in the hope that it may be helpful for you.

Shalom!