Is he or is he not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Munich
Posts: 1
Is he or is he not?
Hello All,
I've been sitting here for hours now searching the internet to find answers to these frightening questions: Is my boyfriend about to become an alcoholic? Has it already gone too far? How can I make him see? Can I do anything at all?
We've been together for quite about 15 months now and his drinking habits have gotten worse. He is from Engalnd and I am from Germany (therefore I hope you pardon my english not beeing that perfect...). This has always been the excuse for his drinking habits: he says all his friends drink and this was an English thing.
When I first met him, he used to go out a lot and of course drink before he went out and while he was out. But he never used to drink at home. Now he drinks every evening. He has a couple of beers or one to two bottles of wine. He says he drinks at home now, because he doesn't go out that often anymore since he likes being home with me more. Yet he drinks the whole evening. On the weekends he already starts in the afternoon. And everytime we go out or he goes out alone, he gets wasted.
To me this is completely unknown behaviour, since we can't even go out for dinner and take the car unless I am willing to drive home. He can't enjoy himself just having one beer or a glass of wine and then non alcoholic drinks. He says it is part of his enjoyment and that there is nothing wrong with this. I always used to go out with my boyfriends by car and one of us made sure he could still drive back. But he says, he would never go out and take the car, it was no fun not to be able to drink and therefore we have public transport in town.
He doesn't get violent or seems to need a drink after getting up. He also never missed a day at work due to drinking too much since I met him. But he's hungover occasionally. When we go into town and I'd like to sit down in a cafe or restaurant, he would never drink a tea, but always a beer.
I think it all started with the fact that he stopped smoking a couple of years ago and then, after a while started to smoke cigarillos when he went out drinking. When I first met him he said he only smoked while having a beer. Well, this is still true now, only that he now has a beer to be able to smoke. I begged and pleaded that he would just have a cigarillo when he fancies one and not have a beer with it, but he refused. He says he doen't like smoking without having a drink and that as long as he only smokes while he drinks he was in control of his smoking.
One week he tried to be without alcohol but he only made it for two days. And when he can't have any more drinks in the evening he gets up and goes to sleep.
Whenever I confront him with the amount of alcohol he drinks, he tells me to shut up, since I would smoke and this was even more dangerous. Sometimes he admits that he drinks too much though, but it never changes. And even his friends tell him better not to drink during the week.
He always tells me that I was exaggerating and only searching for a reason to moan at him. And if it wasn't the alcohol it would be something else. He says I was obsessed with him being an alcoholic. In fact, I don't even think he is addicted, but I do think he is on the way. He would of course never drink a few liters of water every evening... And he often says, that he only drinks that much, cause he is so unhappy with his job at the moment (a moment that lasts for almost a year now). And sometimes he blames me for him drinking.
I already thought of leaving the country with him. Going somewhere else, where it is just the two of us and none of his friends that all drink themselves to death when they're out. It's an obligation with them to drink when we meet up. They also have games like drinking olympics etc. and when we plan to go away together, like for a weekend in Italy, it all centers on drinking as well. I do believe when he says, it is an English thing to drink a lot, for in his group all have a strong bond with alcohol, but that doesn't make it any better for me. And by the way, his friends at least live a normal life like going out with their girlfriends taking the car or going for a bike ride together and so on. We never do stuff like that anymore.
Today I told him, he had to choose between his drinking habits and us. And I said that I know he would probably not (be able to) choose us. And I also said that I know there is nothing I can do to stop him.... it broke my heart...
We love each other very much and actually we plan a life together. I wonder if he is in too deep already to prefer us over the alcohol.
:praying
Is he right? Am I just overreacting? Or is my future with him already over before it just begun? Is all I can do to leave him alone to face reality?
I've been sitting here for hours now searching the internet to find answers to these frightening questions: Is my boyfriend about to become an alcoholic? Has it already gone too far? How can I make him see? Can I do anything at all?
We've been together for quite about 15 months now and his drinking habits have gotten worse. He is from Engalnd and I am from Germany (therefore I hope you pardon my english not beeing that perfect...). This has always been the excuse for his drinking habits: he says all his friends drink and this was an English thing.
When I first met him, he used to go out a lot and of course drink before he went out and while he was out. But he never used to drink at home. Now he drinks every evening. He has a couple of beers or one to two bottles of wine. He says he drinks at home now, because he doesn't go out that often anymore since he likes being home with me more. Yet he drinks the whole evening. On the weekends he already starts in the afternoon. And everytime we go out or he goes out alone, he gets wasted.
To me this is completely unknown behaviour, since we can't even go out for dinner and take the car unless I am willing to drive home. He can't enjoy himself just having one beer or a glass of wine and then non alcoholic drinks. He says it is part of his enjoyment and that there is nothing wrong with this. I always used to go out with my boyfriends by car and one of us made sure he could still drive back. But he says, he would never go out and take the car, it was no fun not to be able to drink and therefore we have public transport in town.
He doesn't get violent or seems to need a drink after getting up. He also never missed a day at work due to drinking too much since I met him. But he's hungover occasionally. When we go into town and I'd like to sit down in a cafe or restaurant, he would never drink a tea, but always a beer.
I think it all started with the fact that he stopped smoking a couple of years ago and then, after a while started to smoke cigarillos when he went out drinking. When I first met him he said he only smoked while having a beer. Well, this is still true now, only that he now has a beer to be able to smoke. I begged and pleaded that he would just have a cigarillo when he fancies one and not have a beer with it, but he refused. He says he doen't like smoking without having a drink and that as long as he only smokes while he drinks he was in control of his smoking.
One week he tried to be without alcohol but he only made it for two days. And when he can't have any more drinks in the evening he gets up and goes to sleep.
Whenever I confront him with the amount of alcohol he drinks, he tells me to shut up, since I would smoke and this was even more dangerous. Sometimes he admits that he drinks too much though, but it never changes. And even his friends tell him better not to drink during the week.
He always tells me that I was exaggerating and only searching for a reason to moan at him. And if it wasn't the alcohol it would be something else. He says I was obsessed with him being an alcoholic. In fact, I don't even think he is addicted, but I do think he is on the way. He would of course never drink a few liters of water every evening... And he often says, that he only drinks that much, cause he is so unhappy with his job at the moment (a moment that lasts for almost a year now). And sometimes he blames me for him drinking.
I already thought of leaving the country with him. Going somewhere else, where it is just the two of us and none of his friends that all drink themselves to death when they're out. It's an obligation with them to drink when we meet up. They also have games like drinking olympics etc. and when we plan to go away together, like for a weekend in Italy, it all centers on drinking as well. I do believe when he says, it is an English thing to drink a lot, for in his group all have a strong bond with alcohol, but that doesn't make it any better for me. And by the way, his friends at least live a normal life like going out with their girlfriends taking the car or going for a bike ride together and so on. We never do stuff like that anymore.
Today I told him, he had to choose between his drinking habits and us. And I said that I know he would probably not (be able to) choose us. And I also said that I know there is nothing I can do to stop him.... it broke my heart...
We love each other very much and actually we plan a life together. I wonder if he is in too deep already to prefer us over the alcohol.
:praying
Is he right? Am I just overreacting? Or is my future with him already over before it just begun? Is all I can do to leave him alone to face reality?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome
Hi,
Welcome to SoberRecovery board. Others will be along shortly to add their experience, strength, and hope about alcoholism or partnering with a person whose drinking is a problem for you, whether the label "alcoholic" is used or not.
You are asking good questions and thinking about good decisions, from your post. Alcoholism is a chronic disease that gets worse in time, no exceptions, if it is not treated and if the desire to absolutely not drink does not come from the drinker themself.
There is a lot of great information about this disease in the "sticky" posts at the top of the lists of posts.
Keep coming back and posting, we care
CLMI
Welcome to SoberRecovery board. Others will be along shortly to add their experience, strength, and hope about alcoholism or partnering with a person whose drinking is a problem for you, whether the label "alcoholic" is used or not.
You are asking good questions and thinking about good decisions, from your post. Alcoholism is a chronic disease that gets worse in time, no exceptions, if it is not treated and if the desire to absolutely not drink does not come from the drinker themself.
There is a lot of great information about this disease in the "sticky" posts at the top of the lists of posts.
Keep coming back and posting, we care
CLMI
Life is what you make of it
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finding MY way in Ohio
Posts: 90
(((((Nottool8 ))))
Welcome to SoberRecovery board. The disease of Alcoholism is hard to try and understand an often times very, very confusing! I feel everyone on here will give you great, HONEST, personal experiences. Some may be hard to hear at times but those, I feel, are the best to learn from.
I have learned that if it bothers YOU then it is a problem and you are in the right place.
Keep coming back and posting you will learn alot here, I know I have.
:ghug
Welcome to SoberRecovery board. The disease of Alcoholism is hard to try and understand an often times very, very confusing! I feel everyone on here will give you great, HONEST, personal experiences. Some may be hard to hear at times but those, I feel, are the best to learn from.
I have learned that if it bothers YOU then it is a problem and you are in the right place.
Keep coming back and posting you will learn alot here, I know I have.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, nottool8, glad you're here!
I could have written your post 20 years ago - right down to being from 2 different countries.
I highly recommend the books "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence." They help explain the physiological reactions of an alcoholic's body to alcohol. I even learned there why so many alcoholics enjoy cigarettes when they drink.
Moving away to make things better is called a "doing a geographic." The problem with doing them is that I take myself with me wherever I go. I also blamed everyone else for the amount of alcohol my ex drank. Eventually we, too, only hung out with people who drank the same copious amounts of alcohol. No nice sober dinners out, no vacations that didn't involve drinking, drinking and more drinking. I remember one particular trip, to Portugal, where it was necessary to taste every port ever made - so drinking began at 10 a.m. I think that trip was when I became the official stick in the mud of the group.
Finally, telling someone to "shut up" is verbal abuse. There is a lot of excellent reading on that, too.
Keep posting!
I could have written your post 20 years ago - right down to being from 2 different countries.
I highly recommend the books "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence." They help explain the physiological reactions of an alcoholic's body to alcohol. I even learned there why so many alcoholics enjoy cigarettes when they drink.
Moving away to make things better is called a "doing a geographic." The problem with doing them is that I take myself with me wherever I go. I also blamed everyone else for the amount of alcohol my ex drank. Eventually we, too, only hung out with people who drank the same copious amounts of alcohol. No nice sober dinners out, no vacations that didn't involve drinking, drinking and more drinking. I remember one particular trip, to Portugal, where it was necessary to taste every port ever made - so drinking began at 10 a.m. I think that trip was when I became the official stick in the mud of the group.
Finally, telling someone to "shut up" is verbal abuse. There is a lot of excellent reading on that, too.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hello nottool8,
Just stopping in to say hello. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, and I understand. I too used to try to imagine some line between "alcoholic" and "not alcoholic" in order to help make decisions about what to do, whether to worry, etc.
My life got a lot clearer when I changed that thinking to, "Are his attitudes and choices about alcohol consumption causing damage to our relationship?" And, "Does he LISTEN to me when I express the hurt and frustration I feel?" And, "Is he willing to make an effort to compromise so that we can both feel happy and safe (not just him, but both of us) in this relationship?"
In my case, the answers turned out to be yes, no, and no. Yours may be different. But basically, if he's unwilling to see that you are hurting here, and if he throws the whole problem in your lap, then you have some very difficult decisions to make. If you are forced to be the designated driver, if your lives all center around the availability of alcohol, if he tosses away your feelings like they don't matter.......you need to look carefully here.
Because this is very likely how he will choose to handle MANY difficult decisions in your future together. If a compromise is needed, it is YOU who will have to make it, most likely. No matter how much you love him, you have to think through whether this is how you want to live your life together.
I wish you strength finding the path that's right for YOU, regardless of his choices.
Hugs,
GL
Just stopping in to say hello. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, and I understand. I too used to try to imagine some line between "alcoholic" and "not alcoholic" in order to help make decisions about what to do, whether to worry, etc.
My life got a lot clearer when I changed that thinking to, "Are his attitudes and choices about alcohol consumption causing damage to our relationship?" And, "Does he LISTEN to me when I express the hurt and frustration I feel?" And, "Is he willing to make an effort to compromise so that we can both feel happy and safe (not just him, but both of us) in this relationship?"
In my case, the answers turned out to be yes, no, and no. Yours may be different. But basically, if he's unwilling to see that you are hurting here, and if he throws the whole problem in your lap, then you have some very difficult decisions to make. If you are forced to be the designated driver, if your lives all center around the availability of alcohol, if he tosses away your feelings like they don't matter.......you need to look carefully here.
Because this is very likely how he will choose to handle MANY difficult decisions in your future together. If a compromise is needed, it is YOU who will have to make it, most likely. No matter how much you love him, you have to think through whether this is how you want to live your life together.
I wish you strength finding the path that's right for YOU, regardless of his choices.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
There is a huge drining culture in the UK and it is getting worse. Sounds like it's just and excuse though as I know plenty of English men that can go out for dinner, enjoy 2 glasses of wine and go home. Drinking to the point of getting drunk most nights of the week isn't the norm in the UK!!!!
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