gns

I saw someone I dated briefly, for 2 months many months ago (he "broke up" with me by text messaging me that he had "family issues") hugging a blond girl on the street today. She probably stayed over.

There are a million reasons I should not/do not? want to be with him - like he neglected to tell me he had children after 2 months, is a pilot (not that available), and is over-the-top in terms of flattery to the point of being unbelievable (but addicting?). I am not sure, but I think he is also emotionaly unavailable (his ex-wife cheated on him I suspect for this reason).

But when I saw him, all I could think was what is wrong with me? Why is she better? I wanted to see if she is prettier (my biggest insecurity). Why did he choose her.

I know I should know better, but today I am really unhappy about this.:wtf2

AmpHusky

I assume he is an Alcoholic.

Gosh, I know I feel that too, and I am a man. It doesn't mean we are any less than the next person. I believe most people on this board want the intimacy that you cannot get from an addict. We mistake the flirting as wanting to get intimate. At least I did. As someone on this board told me, they are very swallow, and we aren't. We are trying to play by the normal rules, they aren't. If you wanted you could go sit in a bar and have men by you drinks until you find one that you want, and you would be able to hook up. That's not what most people want. I know I don't want just a fling. You may be like me and imagine that they are with someone else, and it burns you up inside.

I sent my addict I nice long email telling her how I felt. She replied back today, a week later. A nice little sentence, not much substance. It's like the darkside of the force, it overwelms that person.

Didn't mean to get off subject. Let me say this, you are better looking, and better for him. He's not better for you. I doubt you would ever get the intimacy you deserve for him.

gns

Actually he is not the alcoholic, but I think also emotionally distant.

Thanks for your reply amp!

Rainbowsend

a real man doesn't dump someone by text!!!!! What a coward, sounds like you're well out of it

denny57

Doesn't sound like it's a problem of letting go, but maybe of self worth. Individual counseling and Al Anon helped me with that. It's an inside job.

((( )))

GiveLove

Hugs, gns. Life is a game of personal choices, not a contest of who's better, prettier, etc. (A friend once reminded me that a serial killer might also choose someone because he considers her "prettier", and yet that's a contest you'd be happy to lose)

You would have been miserable miserable miserable with this distant and cowardly man. Is being prettier and "winning" more important than your own happiness? Practice admitting that you "lost" this time (say it out loud: I'm SO damn happy I lost) and then thank your HP for helping you dodge that bullet.

Deep breath. Let it go. You are bigger than this.

gns

You guys are SO WONDERFUL and so helpful! Thank you for your support Rainbow's end and Denny I think you are very insightful, it IS a problem of self-worth. You are right Givelove that "winning" is not everything, and I think you are probably right - not worth it in the end.

Thank you all for your insight and support! It is good to have people who understand and help you grow! I am very grateful for that.

FormerDoormat

I can't speak for others, but I believe I purposely chose an alcoholic and other emotionally unavailable partners prior to him because I avoided (and perhaps feared) intimacy. When I chose emotionally detached partners, I could blame them for the lack of intimacy in my relationship all the while insisting I craved intimacy as a way to convince myself that I was not the cause of my relationship problems.

I call that magical thinking; others call it denial. Eventually I uncovered the truth, and realized that my problems began with me.

Pajarito

How many times can I hit the "thank you" button for this? I inserted STBXAH's name in the "serial killer" part of the above and got a chuckle out of it.

(((gns))) My issue is similar- wondering if STBXAH's girlfriend is prettier, funnier, more worthy, more capable than me of doing what I could not. . . BLAH! Intellectually I realize it is an inside job, but emotionally I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.

Just insert former bf's name in the "serial killer" part of the above sentence. You brought up a lot of red flags you can see in this guy- kudos! He does sound emotionally unavailable. You deserve so much more.