sodetermined

Last night I drove to my first Al-Anon meeting, only nobody showed up. I was discouraged/disappointed, because I needed SOMETHING last night. But there was a gentleman there for an AA meeting, and he gave me a phone number to call to find out where there are some "good" meetings.

I come home to an empty house. I waited until about 10:00 to call out to ABF's mothers's house, because he had left earlier to go help her move some stuff. I knew he would be drinking anyway, just because he would be around his uncle who is also an alcoholic, and always supplies beer. Chris had no money. She informs me that Chris went up town for a drink. I don't know where he got the money, but I asked her to do me a favor and make sure he doesn't come back here, that the doors were gonna be locked, I was done putting up with this.

He called at 8:30 this morning, I didn't answer the first several times, but then gave in and answered. He's going off about how I kicked him out, etc. and he wanted his things. I told him he can get them later as I am going to be gone. That wasn't good enough, he shows up at my bedroom window, had his mom with him. I agreed to let her come in the house and get things as long as he stayed outside. This worked for a while, then he just had to come in and make sure we got everything (his stuff was never really unpacked from last time). So then it starts...how I got what I wanted now, and I can be single and go find someone else, this is what I have wanted for weeks now, etc. Then, he tells me he met someone! He tells me he's gonna charm her and do anything she asks him to. At this point, I told him he needed to leave.

After he left, I went to get the phone, it was gone. I heard him pick up the phone and check my caller id, but didn't think too much about it. The ******* took my phone. So I went to the dollar store and got a new one, and called him to let him know he can have it, I got a new one and that I will even give him the rest of the phone so he can use it.

He starts trying to be nice, like asking what I'm doing today, if we can be friends, etc. It's all ******** manipulations. I told him we can't be friends if he's replaced me and he said "I didn't say that". WTF?

It makes me sick to think that he did meet someone, although he has used that before to bother me. He had the same clothes on from yesterday. Now I"m obsessing over this other woman. That's why I didn't want him to come in, because I knew he would say something like that to get to me.

But I guess this is what I needed for my recovery, now I just have to stay strong. The hard part will be to hang up the phone....since I can't know when he's calling now because he has my good phone!!!!

Freedom1990

Do you still have my phone number?

sodetermined

DeVon,

I have it on e-mail, but that's at work, we can't access work e-mail from home anymore.

You could send it to me pm if you would like.

Freedom1990

Check your PMs, gal! :ghug :ghug

Bernadette

It's all ******** manipulations.

You said it!
I believe YOU!

When the obsession hits maybe try repeating that phrase to yourself followed by "The past is gone. I am free in this moment." And then think about what YOU DO want to do for the next 10 minutes, 2 hours, whatever!

Stay strong - don't give up on AlAnon yet - I hope you can find a good meeting!!
Peace-
B.

Rainbowsend

I just don't get it, why do they always think it's another man? That's probably the last thing on your mind at the moment!!!!!

SlvrMag

He probably doesn't even HAVE another woman, maybe he was just trying to hurt you by saying that??

denny57

I hope you find those good meetings. After a while, you may discover that you DID receive something you needed that night. My experience has been that it is not according to my timetable. For the present, maybe look at it as affirmation of your commitment to go and begin your own recovery - that is, give yourself credit for getting in the car and going at all.

sodetermined

Not having a good day today. I am missing EXABF so much right now, which scares me. I am obsessing over him today and this other woman that he said he found and how can he just be all happy and not even care? I keep thinking maybe I made a mistake, maybe I should call and apologize. Thinking what if I had done.....or what if I had done....that maybe things could have gotten better. Maybe if I could have detached with love with Al-Anon maybe there would be hope. I am so sad and feel so alone, I can't stop crying. I tried keeping busy today I went to a friend's house but I come back home and feel so anxious and depressed, all I can think about is him. He has never not tried contacting me, maybe he is done with me this time. Maybe he won't call. This is so unhealthy for me, I wish I could stop thinking like this. This sadness that I'm feeling is much worse than the feelings I had when he was here. Why does life have to be so hard??? I mean maybe I overreacted to the situation, by kicking him out because he went to the bar.

ToughChoices

Breathe, sweetie. Breathe.

You were unhappy with him there. I know it's hard to remember now, when you're hurting so badly, but it's still true.

Life doesn't have to be about picking the least unhappy path - it can be about picking the most joyful one. To get to that joy, I had to walk through some pretty dark territory. Maybe you're in that dark place right now. Keep moving forward and, eventually you'll get into the light.

If you turn around now and head back to the life you had before, you know what life will look like:
You worried, on edge, angry, and second-guessing yourself, shying away from Chris physically, looking for something more.

There is something more. You're on your way to finding it.

Let us help.
-TC

GiveLove

Hang on, hon. If you were addicted to a chemical, this would be what they'd call "withdrawal symptoms." You are used to being controlled by him - even when he was locked up, he controlled you. Now you're free of it, and it feels weird and awful because you're not used to it. Remember that he knows every single trick of how to push your buttons, make you feel bad about yourself.

I know how much it hurts, but "through" is the only way to shake loose from the desperate unhappiness that I remember you felt when he was there. Look back at your previous posts. Look at what you forced yourself to live with. You set a boundary, he smashed through it, you respected yourself by honoring it. Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest. Temporarily.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You have nothing to apologize for. And this will pass if you just hang in there. Can you go out to see a movie, go be with friends some more, read something helpful like "Codependent No More" ? Is there an Al-Anon meeting anywhere tonight?

Keep posting here. Remember we care about you.

peaceteach

I found that giving myself a 24 hour rule helped in times of desperation or self-doubt. Things always looked better in the morning, and I was ALWAYS glad I hadn't slipped and called. Treat yourself to something special tonight if you can - food, bath, girly movie. Don't call.

denny57

Maybe you have detached with love. Detachment with love does not necessarily mean learning to live with an alcoholic. I had to learn that this kind of drama (telling the person you supposedly love that you're involved with another) is NOT LOVE, it is SICK.

That's my take on it. ((( )))