Do they really not care?
 

Do you think that the alcoholic/addict who leaves his family for alcohol really quits caring about the kids? Do you think they think about the kids? For me that's the toughest thing to wrap my head around is how do you hurt your own children? My ah is an educated man. He says he loves our children sooooooooo much but never calls them or see's them and blames it on not getting along with me. The reason he doesn't get along with me is because I do not allow alcohol around us. Sometimes he'll even shed a tear on the phone.
Part of me wants to wreck his job so he HAS to come home and face his responsibilities. I don't because it's toxic for the kids. It's horrible either way, with or without him.
I just don't get what's so bad you have to numb it and it's so important that you would let it stand in the way of your children.

How can someone who is so filled with self-loathing, self-hatred, remorse, guilt, anger, resentments, etc etc etc be truly capable of loving someone else?

I surely didn't start using/drinking because I was full of confidence and self-love.

There was a deep searing pain, and a feeling of 'separation' from this entire world that I didn't understand. What I did understand is that the drugs/alcohol took that pain and feeling of 'aloneness' away.

It wasn't until I got clean/sober that I truly begin to understand what love was, and that was after I learned to love myself.

Be glad you can't wrap your head around how he thinks. You'd need to be an alcoholic and/or addict to do that.

Have you considered posting this on the A.A. board? I'm a codie, which means I have obsessive/addictive problems, but as far as a substance addiction goes, I do not have one.

I don't think it's something we can understand. I've discussed this with A's in recovery. I've attended A.A. meetings. I think I have a handle on it to some degree, but as far as it sinking in to the point that I truly comprehend it ... well, no, I don't.

My AH "loves" his dog. The dog follows him everywhere. Yet AH largely neglects the dog. He says he'll give the dog a bath. He doesn't. He says he'll get the dog his heartworm pills. He doesn't. The dog needs to have his teeth scaled. AH plans to do it, but never actually gets around to it. Yet he "loves" his dog.

Do I understand it? Nope. And I understand your outrage. How can a man just neglect his own children? The only answer I have to give you is that booze is king. It is number one. It comes before anything else. A's pander to their own needs, their addiction, their own sense of victimhood. To heck with the rest of the world. At least that's how I see it. I don't get it, but I think I have a little bit of insight into it.

And I no longer take anything AH does as personal. He's done with me. I'm done with him. He left me alone in the hospital ER while I was waiting to have my emergency gall bladder surgery. He had other priorities; namely, sitting home drinking. Sure, it stunk, big-time. But I don't take it personally. I don't think it's worth my time or energy to get upset over what a drunk chooses to do. I spent too many years being outraged by outrageous behavior.

I'm glad your children have a parent who loves them and cares for them. You AH doesn't sound as if he is ready or able to do that at this time. Sad, but true ....

I don't understand it either, I'm just grateful there are others like me who do care for the kids.

Thank you. I adore my dogs but I have to say they are not the same as children.

Good point freedom. I am writing that down to remind myself. If they are in such pain and turmoil and they drink to numb it but the drinking makes them hate themselves.....I don't see the point. I guess if I was in the pits of hell and drinking wasn't curing it after so many years that I would try something else.
Is the impulse really that bad to drink again? Why doesn't my ah just commit suicide instead of doing it so slowly?
When I've encouraged and lifted him up he still wanted to drink. So he's miserable drinking and miserable staying sober and hurting the kids in the process. I wish their was a magic pill. I feel bad for my kids because their prayers don't work. :(

Sorry, Stubborn1. I hope I did not mean to offend. The only reason I was using his dog as an example is because we do not have children. Thank God! If AH treats a poor animal that way, I would cringe to even imagine how he would treat a child. Again, sorry if I was out of line.

It's fine. lol I could kinda guess you didn't have children. It's the fact that ah would treat the kids like that and I am cringing. ;)

I have an allergy of the body, and a compulsion of the mind when I drink.

It's not an impulse, it's a compulsion.

I'd recommend getting a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Read the Doctor's Opinion at the front of the book. It explains the compulsion and allergy very well.

It's a proven fact that alcoholics don't metabolize alcohol like normal people do.

My AH has not spoken to either of our children since September 8th although he did call ME several times last night. I don't quite know why but he's gone months without contact with the children during other separations. He says it's because he doesn't want to deal with my shite. You know, like asking him to be sober before and during visits and not to take them around his new piece of arse.

There is not another woman now (that I know of) and my kids are older and have their own cell phones. He still doesn't call them or see them.

My S8 doesn't know if he wants to see his Daddy, and D12 doesn't want anything to do with him at this time.

I wish I knew...2 separations ago my AH was not drinking and he still didn't make contact.

:sorry

Hey stubborn---
My ex is not an alcoholic. He's an irresponsibiliholic. So maybe take the alcohol out of the equation and just see that this is the way this person is.

My ex left the country for 6 years after our divorce. When he called me (rarely) or emailed me he would share his concern that the kids were resenting him. I'd suggest - "Oh why don't you have a set time to call them? If they knew Dad calls every Tuesday at 8pm and it happened consistently enough I think it would mean a lot to them. Or you could start a letter writing correspondance with them. That would be fun and meaningful!" Like a typical codie- suggesting the OBVIOUS (like does a grown man REALLY NOT know how to "keep in touch??")

Did exH keep in touch? No. Of course not. Yet he still asked (and continues to ask!!!) if the kids resent him for moving away.... no alcohol necessary - just some kind of selfish inability to put himself in a child's shoes? Doesn't matter. I just like to remind everyone that booze is no excuse. Some people (addicts or not) emotionally neglect their kids. Period.

*Sigh*
It sucks. But at least your kids have YOU!! Don't waste your good energy figuring out a definitive answer to why he does what he does. Just decide for yourself. If you think it's alcohol. Fine. If you think it's a character defect. Fine. The sad truth is either way there is nothing YOU can do about it!

Peace-
B.

Thank you freedom and anvil for posting extremely illuminating responses. I honestly cannot recall a recovering addict explaining it so well. It's a downward spiral into ever-increasing insanity, that's for sure.

Both of you said it so well ... most insightful. It sure answered a few unspoken questions I had for a long time. Thanks!!

I want one of those coffee mugs that says 'Denial-and it ain't a river in Egypt either'! :lmao

I couldn't even begin to see the codependent side of this whole thing until my oldest AD started plunging into her addictions, and I've gotten quite an education over the years.

I still refused to address the codependency issues after I left the psychotic violent AH, but it's sure hard to neatly ignore it when it's your own kids.

I have received so much from good people on both sides of the coin, and I thank each and every one of you for that! :ghug

I appreciate the brutally honest posts. I needed in check again to get through this day. It is the perfect reminder. Thank you.

My exH isn't an A either but often doesn't bother to call them for a fortnight. He spent 2 and a half weeks in Tanzania this year climbing Killimanjaro for his own ego, something to impress people with yet when he had his sons for one whole week (the only time this year) he didn't take them away.

It isn't always about alcohol some men just aren't wired right.

Kids aren't silly, they do get it, shame they lose a bit of innocence doing it though!

i wish i could understand why these men dont want their children, i really do

im so exhausted trying to figure out what goes on in an alcoholic's head:c004:

You never will and if you do you'll either make a fortune or be as messed up as they are!!!!

I've given up on trying and it's very calming. Now finding better to question why I let it happen and how I can avoid it in the future. It's why I keep coming back, I know I'm a codie but sooooo want to break the chain for my future.

Thanks to both of you, freedom and anvil for your enlightening responses.
My abf admitted he left his wife and kids for another woman and has regretted it ever since. He did support them financially, and saw them frequently over the years, and they still loved him.

A few years ago his 21 year old son died in a car crash, and this still haunts abf today because son was replica of him and he was drinking, angry, drove and was killed.
I have thought that disaster would have been enough to cause such anger and disgust at alcohol that he would have been motivated to quit. Nope.

I think there is a big difference between having a desire to drink and the craving and compulsion of alcoholism. My heart goes out to both alcoholics and those who are in relationships with them, because both sides suffer hell.

A priest once told me he believed that addicts and their families will go to Heaven, because they have been in Hell already.

ill take the fortune lol, i know now that i will never figure it out and ive wasted too much of my time tryign to figure it out

im with you now, im trying to figure out why i let everything happen, and making sure i never let it happen again

It is very difficult for me to figure out the next right thing to do when my kids are involved. I pray and beg for guidance. I am conflicted because XAH, at times, emotionally abuses the kids when he is with them. I'm working with a therapist to sort his all out.