hbb

Hi everyone! Hope you guys are feeling better by the minute!

I had an interesting conversation with my therapist yesterday and it had to do with J, my exabf (of course lol)! I was asking her if it was common to create a "fantasy life" for an ex? What i mean is, I've been having quite a rough time the past month (job moved, father in process of lung transplant and so on). I AUTOMATICALLY revert back to J and how WONDERFUL his life must be right now and wishing he came crawling back missing me!!! She also told me that when other things go badly we tend to throw everything that we are sad about in the mix.

It's weird, we hardly had a week of any normalcy without drama and chaos, yet i always think that now that we are no longer together that his life is a bowl of cherries. I know that some of you will say who cares, and for the most part i don't care but am curious as to how many others have felt this way....and when the hell does it end lol!!

I know that he did me the favor of leaving but i think that sometimes i let my mind get the best of me and get bummed out at the thought of me struggling my butt off over here while he lays in a bed of roses around the corner!!

HELP....what do you do in those times of wondering and mind wandering!!!!!!

lizw

I have a tendency to do this a lot. For me it is away of 'avoiding life'. I retreat to the safety of my head so I don't have to feel anything uncomfortable that is going on/is happening in the present.

I have 3 verisons. First being 'he has a wonderful life now that I am not in it' second one is 'when we get back together it is going to be wonderful' and thirdly there's 'the new guy is going to be like this and it's going to be great.'

The weird thing about this is that in the last year or so, I have seen that I have done this my entire life.

The first 'fantasty' I recall having regarding a man was when I was maybe 8 or 9 years old and since that time, I have always had 'one on the go.'

For me it is a habit now, just like smoking. I think I probably started doing it as a kid as I couldn't emotionally process what was going on in my household and retreating to my head, made me feel better and provided me with a sense of comfort.

hbb

It's weird because i did it about a friend that walked away from our friendship. I automatically thought her life was great! Not that i wished it wasn't, but later met up with her to only hear that things are MORE hectic! I don't wish ill on J by any means but it's annoying me how much this consumes me at times!

Astro

Oh yeah Heather, I do it fairly often. I have this idea that my ex has gotta be miserable in her new marriage, that it's just a matter of time before she snaps out of it, divorces her new pet alcoholic, and yearns for the life that we had together. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want that life back for anything, but I think it's the idea that she'll admit that she screwed up and I wasn't such a bad person after all. Maybe it's also the thought that I'll be forgiven for the wreckage I created?

But I can't ignore the path that God has me following, how perfectly it's laid out for me and how right it feels.

I have someone new in my life, we're bringing our families and our lives together. That's a wonderful gift and a miracle, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd have a good relationship, one that doesn't center around alcohol and codependency.

It doesn't get much more beautiful than that. But to see it I have to stop struggling internally and recognize the miracles that are happening in my day-to-day life.

Oh, JMO, untreated alcoholism and codependency isn't a "bed of roses"

hbb

I agree and i tell myself that alot, that life is short. With everything going on with my dad it's put ALOT in perspective BUT still have the crap times too, you know! That does make sense though, and i know, as my dad would say "there are a billion guys on this earth and you're stuck on ONE"!!! I've done the flash cards before, maybe time to dig them out again!

oh and if J won/wins the lotto.....I'll KILL HIM!!! At the very least better pay of the $8,500 he still owes lol!!!!

denny57

When I thought like that it was because I was not happy with me.

lizw

Usually I completely relate to you, Anvil but I don't agree with this statement. Lol.

What you are suggesting is half my problem. I am way too intersted in other peoples lives and I have found the solution for me is to fill my own life with great things that I enjoy doing. When I am doing this and speaking honestly about things that are happening in my life, my head is usually 'fantasy free'.

However, if I had raging resentments towards any of my xA's, I'm sure my sponsor would advise different. My idea of a raging resentment is when they take up serious head space. I.e I am having conversations with them and they are not physically present.

:ghug3

Janitw

Heather.......he doesn't deserve your thoughts hunny......you were an awesome girlfriend and he didn't recognize that. And even if he did he didn't care to protect your relationship. Mine didn't either hun...its time for both of us to let it go and live our lives without regard for them. I am doing this more and more everyday now and as strong as I know you are I know you can do it......

Janitw

123bubblegum123

i used to have that whole glorifying the bad exes issue..what helps me is daydreaming about a totally different, 100% sober, healthy, stable, and loving (foreign, VERY hot) boyfriend. works every time!

Pajarito

This actually makes sense to me. My sober 21 years friend tells me that when I obsess about STBXAH I am giving him free rent in my head- and he's a lousy tenant. When I obsess over him I am not being fully in the present- enjoying what and who I have before me.

I don't know about wishing more for his life, but I do hope he finds recovery. And one day- when I am ready, I will let go of my hurt and resentment and move forward completely in my life- that's the goal anyway! I imagine how freeing that will be, and I also believe it will happen when I am healthier. Right now I am processing A LOT- selling our house, divorce, his dating, how it's affecting me and dd. . . But I do feel that one day I will be ready to let go of all the pain- or maybe it's a process I'm going through right now, step by step, day by day, and one day I'll look back and realize how far I've come.

(((Heather)))- believe me- I get how hard it is to focus on yourself. I agree with what Denny says- at least in my case, obsessing is about me more than it is him. When I feel happy within, my heart will be open to forgiveness and compassion.

cagefree

Miss you too Heather!

I'm definitely not going to say "who cares" or even tell you how you should feel or what you should do.

One thing my therapist taught me was that a big part of accepting myself was allowing myself to feel whatever came up - feelings are simply feelings. They aren't actions. They don't arrive or leave upon command. They don't own me. They just are - then they are gone.

I can't say I NEVER feel resentment towards XABF or that 100% of the time I never wish bad things on him.

I CAN say that I feel it a lot less since I started my recovery process from codependence. I CAN say that I allow myself to feel it, then I get active and do something fun for me - a seminar at Barnes and Noble, planning a trip to the museum of science, go to a movie...

My own personal defect was being critical with myself for even thinking about XABF or feeling anything but good thoughts towards him. I can't make myself feel this or that - which is classic codie. I can still be a good person and feel bad things towards people - something my old codie self could never comprehend.

Speaking about anger and resentment, there was a recent article published about Alanis Morrisett (sp?) - something she quoted was so awesome, it made it to my fridge.

It went something like: "Sometimes I just have to give my inner critic the finger."