aaparis

I know I used to think my AH prefered his bottle to me before he went into rehab, but since he has come out, I STILL feel alone.

It's all so weird, he is soooo moody

FormerDoormat

When Richard was drinking, alcohol consumed him. When he was in recovery, AA meetings and AA friendships consumed him. Eventually I realized that either way, I was in a relationship with myself and I deserved more.

sunflowerintx

That is profound, FD. Wow.

While I have thought about recovery where my AH is concerned, this very telling. It is probably not something I ever need worry about though.

I'm so sorry that your marriage is still difficult.

veryrestless722

Im sorry to hear you feel that way, I hope things get better for you :ghug3

Rella927

Sorry that you are feeling this way

As I dated my XABF-I felt alone when he was drinking and when he was not!
He did not change much and just like FD I knew I finally had enough and had
to move on because I too deserve more in my life! When I decided to do that I got to know myself and I found
out a lot about myself!

After the XABF left and started to work on my own recovery I began to love being alone! I enjoyed myself and my life so much more! I have discovered that if the feeling of being alone should arise when I'm with someone today then I need to move on-and let them own their behaviors/issues. That goes with relationships of all walks IMHO.

Hang in there breathe! What are you doing for yourself? Do something for you! Eventually we all get to a point where enough is enough

Jadmack25

Been in a "relationship" with myself for years. When abf has been drinking, he thinks he's a real macho man, keeps going like a wind up toy. Sober is a different story, tired out, in bed before my youngest grandchild and his libido dived into the rubbish bin with the last bottle.

Finally got myself a "man in a box" and now I have a smile on my face and he doesn't know why - YET. Operation "Happy Granny" has been a big success.

aaparis

what's a 'man in a box'?

Jadmack25

A vibrator. Doesn't get drunk, abusive, lie, borrow money or breathe alcohol fumes over me. Is there when I want it to be, (no headaches either) and best of all, I KNOW where it has been and who with.

aaparis

Sorry, I am so naive......not lived enough I guess!!!!

Same guy for too long

Learning how

aaparis, I remember feeling alone when my AH started AA. When I started Alanon I went to meetings during the day time on my lunch hour. I didn't want to make waves as he was very much still drinking when I started out.
I kind of lived in a shadow world for a long time. Slowly making progress...

When he got to AA everything was about him. (isn't it always) AA came first. AH always first.

What I have learned is that I have to make a life for myself. I learned the phrase "magical thinking" here. In my case I learned that I was suffering from serious magical thinking, I knew in my head that his stoping drinking was not going to fix everything but somewhere deep inside I hoped it would.
I have to give up the magical thinking, if I stay in a relationship with my AH I am not going to get the relationship of my dreams. Its just not going to happen, I have to learn to fill my time with me things. I spent about 20 years filling my time with HIM, reacting, fixing, fearing, walking on egg shells. I have to learn how to live.

Any way this is long, but what has worked for me is to work on myself and what I want to do and then do it. I don't need to wait for my AH to join me to do things I want to do. Some times its as simple as watching tv with my kid. Sometimes we have to hit the pause button, remind AH that we are watching tv, we enjoy this show, and can he be quiet.

Good luck on your journey.

hbb

Same story for me, my exabf did the same things. I think we were in bed at 8 most nights watching tv so he wasn't thinking about drinking. And to think i was "ok" with that....i'm such a codie Now i go to bed at midnight again and do what i want, when i want, no worries of relapse!

sodetermined

Last night after Chris got home and he was "trying to be nice", he kept coming up to me and kissing me, and I found myself pulling away not only because I was angry, but I could not stand that smell!!!!!! It puts a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it now. Between that and him rubbing his mustache/five o'clock shadow on my skin, I just wanted him to get away from me.

justaboutus

<< mentally making a list how a vibrator is better than my husband.... enlightening.

Jadmack25

Wondered if I had crossed the line with my post on "my man in a box", obviously not. I live alone but abf is only a 5 minute walk away so we see each other virtually every day. Over the past few months the only time we have been "together" at night, was when he was going thru withdrawal. Time before last was when I said "I would keep watch over him, but I would not be an active participant in it. That is exactly what happened, and he went thru hell for 2 days without me running after him as I had before.
Boundary 1 was set and kept to it. Also looked at what I could do for ME, to give myself what I wanted and needed and was not getting. Hence my "man in a box".
I have not told him about it yet, but when the time is right I will. Perhaps it will surprise him and give him a jolt to know that I can care for my needs with or without him.
I figure at 64 I had better "use it" before I lose it.

woobie

This may sound sort of silly, but I wish I could vent about all the things that drove me crazy about him. Yes, when he was home I was alone, when we separated I was alone, now that he died I am really alone. All in all, life was what I made of it- if I felt alone it was my choice, if I was angry I made myself angry. Granted he was a source of much grief- lies, affairs, drinking, drugging, abuse the list went on. When he was sober I really enjoyed his company and conversations, he has been gone for almost 2 months and I miss him terribly and grieve over our lost future. Yes I hated when he drank-which was the cause of our soap-opera life, I set my boundries and held my ground for me and our kids. I have felt how you have all felt...still do but now I have these horrific waves of loss that wash over my soul & mind. He is gone, I wish he was here I miss our crazy life at least it was a life.
L.

HateBooze

OMG. That is what I do. Yikes.
This is so sad. maybe there was something to be said for prohibition. The roller coaster will NEVER end, will it? There is no happy ending ever, is there? Just a lost and destroyed man and those he leaves in his wake.

i am breaking my eggshells so matter how lightly I tread......this is a good person who is not abusive with no other addictions.....

i am dying inside, slowly.

Sorry - didn't mean to hijack the thread here. It just helped. I am like, OMG.

HateBooze

It is not silly. How does death NOT cause hurt? Sounds like your situation was far worse than mine, and perhaps, when you are ready, someone minus a bottle can enter your life.:praying
I can't let go of mine yet. I live in constant sadness. I ask myself - why do I care about someone who seems to care only about himself?
No one whould tolerate that from me. You know?
So sorry for your losses ! hug

aaparis

thanks for all of you messages. I guess (I think), am I? holding on for a better future, I feel so sorry your husband died, you are very brave to share that, it must be awful for you, I can only imagine how it must feel, I think I am going through all of this support for my AH because I have hope...I am sending you :ghug3
I do love my AH...I am so confused now, is it love or hope?

woobie

When we work our program the focus is on us and what is good for us, AA is no different for the A- to remain sober many become addicted to their program. Like with any near addiction, moderation and learning how to incorporate other aspects of life is progress. Love, respect, set our boundries and most of all be patient if they are working their program with honesty & devotion then change is inevitable. If our lives are hard, imagine them with the constant temptation of their disease. I loved and never gave up the hope of sobriety, just could not live the insanity. I wanted so badly to run up to him and hug him and not let go...I knew I couldn't. He needed to make a commitment to himself and his HP before there was a chance for us. I never gave up hope and I never stopped loving I lived my life for ME and our children not for HIM. He lived his life protecting his mistakes/past and drinking to numb the pain, while lying to people stating that he was sober- actions spoke otherwise. I ask myself, can I live this way? If no, I made changes- when I get up every morning I thank God for another day and when going to bed I think if I did anything that I was sorry for and work for undoing that wrong. Take a walk, ask him to go- hold his hand...don't talk just walk, enjoy the silence. If we did not love, then there would be no hope! I still hope.
Laura

aaparis

Thanks Woobie, you have given me hope, that's what I need right now.

I am sure that although he isn't showing it, he needs me and is grateful for all what I have done to help him and stand by him, I hope he will say it one day. I am just afraid of losing anymore of my life to something that won't work.

I went to a meeting with him last week, our daughter went to one with him today in the hope that he knows we are proud of him. I am willing to do anything to help as long as I know there will be something for our marriage at the end adn all the hard work that has gone into it.

When i went to Al Anon, I was the only wife there, i just wondered if I should give up too.....it is nice to hear success stories. I have even been to a councilor before he came home to ask what can I do to help and not do so as not to screw all of his hard work up.

I hope all tnat I am doing will pay off