aaparis

My AH has just come out of rehab, he is not drinking, but, oh God, he is so moody.
I just feel I wonder if I want to live with this problem of not knowing where this is all going to go. I am mentally exhausted and feel it would be better if we split up and he lived alone to deal with this, I don't want to lose any more of my life being miserable. Now he is out of rehab, he just talks to me like ****, even the kids say his moods are worse.
I appreciate it can't be easy for him, but he has no idea that it isn't for me either, since he was in rehab and i was alone (without him for the first time in 25 years), I didn't realise how much I gave into his moods and ran around after him, now he is out, I have stopped that, I don't think he likes it, but tough......should I tell him to leave, or will this improve....anyone gone through these feelings, I feel so miserable right now and hate it, I just want to be on my own again, i knew where I was and liked it?

catlovermi

Y'know, if you decide you don't want this life, you can give yourself permission to change it.

Recovery is all about choices, for me. And realizing that I tend to close doors on many of them, without realizing it. Now, I take time to think about what all the options are, and let myself imagine choosing different ones, and how they would affect my life. And then I bolster up the courage, to change. In reality, the only one holding me back from the way I wanted to live has been ME.

CLMI

aaparis

Thanks for your reply. I just don't want any regrets, I just wonder if it is early days yet. I want to help my AH, but at the same time I realise I have to think of me too.
I know it is hard for him, 4 weeks in rehab and only 2 weeks at home, but it is hard for me too, do you know when he should start settling down?
Also, should I tell him my feelings or tell him he is getting on my nerves with his moods?
Don't want to be the blame for spoiling all of his hard work

denny57

Welcome, aaparis, glad you're here!

I can't spoil someone else's hard work, I'm not that powerful (or important).

They can spoil it themselves and then TRY to blame me, but I'm not having any of that today.

Keep posting!

GiveLove

Hi aaparis,

So glad you found us.

For what it's worth, I found that it was good for me to set a time limit (to myself, not to him) and let him go through that post-rehab moodiness and upset, just to make sure -- again, for myself, not for him -- that I wouldn't have any regrets later. In my case, I gave him 60 days to start becoming an active, reasonable member of my household again, and gave him plenty of compassionate opportunities to do so.

HOWEVER, I never accepted verbal abuse from him - never. Just because someone has gone through something very hard doesn't mean they have carte blanche to treat you any way they wish. There's nothing wrong with establishing boundaries here of how you & the kids are going to be treated. Moody is okay. Abusive is not (in my book anyway)

I think you should do what your heart tells you to do. Give yourself some time and space to feel what life would be like without the pressures of his alcoholism, and also what it woudl be like to be without the GOOD things he brings to your relationship (assuming there are some?) Write down lists: reasons to stay; reasons to go. Set aside some "you time" every day to figure out how to make your life happy again, no matter what he decides to do for himself. Protect that time as if it were an important appointment or as if your health depended on it....it does.

But I understand oh so well trying to do things that will not leave much room for regret later. It helped me to be able to move on much more quickly.

Hugs and strength to you, please keep posting. We're here for you.

GL

lovtolaff

This is exactly the thought process that lead me to end my relationship with xabf. I could NOT spend the rest of my life WAITING....waiting on him to drink again, waiting on him to smoke crack again, waiting on him to say something snippy to me.

I loved this man with every fiber of my being and actually thought I would marry him one day. It took every ounce of strength that I had to end the relationship. I know I did the right thing but honey, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I knew I could continue to "have him" in my life, all I had to do was accept that "yeah he drinks too much sometimes and yeah he gets a little hateful about it sometimes" - but why should someone live like that? I couldn't do it anymore. I was tired.

Whatever you decide to do - keep posting and reading - this forum is a tremendous help.

:ghug3

aaparis

Oh thank you to both of you, I spoke to my Sister today, she asked how I was, I told her, she said she 'couldn't understand me as he has gone into rehab for his 4 weeks and is still not drinking 2 weeks later, so what if he is moodyand talking a bit s**** to you, he is bound to, at least he isn;t drunk, just be happy now'
It was then I thought, I need to stop questioning and just accept this way of life now, but at the same time, I think NO, my sister wouldn't understand as she is not in my shoes, It is only people who have been through it that will understand. Just like I don't understand how my AH feels, I wish he would talk and I wish I could tell him how his attitude is hurting me after all that I have done for him.