Lost and confused.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
Lost and confused.
Hi everyone. I'm trying to figure out if I belong here or not, because my situation is a little strange.
My brother has been abusing alcohol. I've suspected this for the past year and my fears were confirmed a few weeks ago. He was extremely drunk, drunker than I'd ever seen him. When I called him out, he got upset and started babbling and freaking out. He said he'd been drinking "ten beers a night" for months, and much more than that over the weekend. He kept saying, "I'm an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic, it's not my fault!"
You see, our mom died in May, and he was extremely dependent on her. He said he started "drinking too much" after she was diagnosed with cancer. He got extremely drunk the night before she died, and I'm pretty sure he was at least a little drunk on the day of her funeral. We're in our twenties and still live with our dad, but my brother is now eager to move out. Which I think is a bad idea, at this time.
My brother saw an addiction counselor who said he didn't have a problem. I suspect he wasn't completely honest with her. He promises he's only drinking three beers a day, but I think he's lying. We went shopping this weekend, and he was acting slightly drunk (and it was before noon). He smelled like alcohol.
I don't know what to do, or if I'm overreacting or what. He refuses to give up alcohol altogether saying, "I just like to drink. I'm not dependent on it." He doesn't have a social life, and only drinks alone. He sits in his room, gets drunk, and rages to himself. I'm getting sick of it. Alcoholism runs rampant in our family, especially among the men, so I feel like he's temping fate.
My dad has been monitoring how many beers my brother drinks for over a year now, and confirmed that he sometimes drinks over ten a day. I'm angry that he never intervened. I'm the one who got rid of all of the beer the day after my brother's meltdown. I don't feel equipped to be responsible for my brother, especially if things get worse. (I am younger than him.)
I'm scared, frustrated, and don't know what to do. I'd really appreciate any insights or advice. Thank you for reading, and sorry for rambling.
My brother has been abusing alcohol. I've suspected this for the past year and my fears were confirmed a few weeks ago. He was extremely drunk, drunker than I'd ever seen him. When I called him out, he got upset and started babbling and freaking out. He said he'd been drinking "ten beers a night" for months, and much more than that over the weekend. He kept saying, "I'm an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic, it's not my fault!"
You see, our mom died in May, and he was extremely dependent on her. He said he started "drinking too much" after she was diagnosed with cancer. He got extremely drunk the night before she died, and I'm pretty sure he was at least a little drunk on the day of her funeral. We're in our twenties and still live with our dad, but my brother is now eager to move out. Which I think is a bad idea, at this time.
My brother saw an addiction counselor who said he didn't have a problem. I suspect he wasn't completely honest with her. He promises he's only drinking three beers a day, but I think he's lying. We went shopping this weekend, and he was acting slightly drunk (and it was before noon). He smelled like alcohol.
I don't know what to do, or if I'm overreacting or what. He refuses to give up alcohol altogether saying, "I just like to drink. I'm not dependent on it." He doesn't have a social life, and only drinks alone. He sits in his room, gets drunk, and rages to himself. I'm getting sick of it. Alcoholism runs rampant in our family, especially among the men, so I feel like he's temping fate.
My dad has been monitoring how many beers my brother drinks for over a year now, and confirmed that he sometimes drinks over ten a day. I'm angry that he never intervened. I'm the one who got rid of all of the beer the day after my brother's meltdown. I don't feel equipped to be responsible for my brother, especially if things get worse. (I am younger than him.)
I'm scared, frustrated, and don't know what to do. I'd really appreciate any insights or advice. Thank you for reading, and sorry for rambling.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Hello, and welcome to SR
For me, it's my sister (with my mom in your dad's seat)
I spent 20 years "rescuing" her.
Junkie? put her up in my house and try to get her into rehab.
Marries another junkie in prison, and when he gets deported, goes to Mexico and gets pregnant. (off I go to bring her home)
the story lasted for 20 years, with the situations escalating, and her just getting sicker and sicker because Mom would "rescue" her, and I was the vehicle for that.
All it did was made me sick.
At the end, I told my sister I couldn't see her anymore until she got serious, because she was dying and I didn't want to be around for that, but if she was serious about getting help, nothing would keep me from her side.
Ultimately, when she hit her bottom, I was the one she called, she went into treatment, she got clean, she did everything she was supposed to, but I got to be there for that.
she ultimately relapsed, and I had to walk away again...but...I need to take care of myself now. It sounds selfish, but it isn't, when I was in the Fire Dept. that's the first thing they taught me, my safety comes first, I can't help anyone if I am injured or dead, they also taught me that in AA, to "make sure your house was in order, you can't pass along something you haven't got"
Anyhow, the thing now, is to take care of yourself, read the stickies up at the top, think about some alanon meetings, keep posting, but again:
It's time to take care of you, the folks here will help teach you how to do that, I'm still learning myself, and I've found nothing but support, stick around, keep coming back.
For me, it's my sister (with my mom in your dad's seat)
I spent 20 years "rescuing" her.
Junkie? put her up in my house and try to get her into rehab.
Marries another junkie in prison, and when he gets deported, goes to Mexico and gets pregnant. (off I go to bring her home)
the story lasted for 20 years, with the situations escalating, and her just getting sicker and sicker because Mom would "rescue" her, and I was the vehicle for that.
All it did was made me sick.
At the end, I told my sister I couldn't see her anymore until she got serious, because she was dying and I didn't want to be around for that, but if she was serious about getting help, nothing would keep me from her side.
Ultimately, when she hit her bottom, I was the one she called, she went into treatment, she got clean, she did everything she was supposed to, but I got to be there for that.
she ultimately relapsed, and I had to walk away again...but...I need to take care of myself now. It sounds selfish, but it isn't, when I was in the Fire Dept. that's the first thing they taught me, my safety comes first, I can't help anyone if I am injured or dead, they also taught me that in AA, to "make sure your house was in order, you can't pass along something you haven't got"
Anyhow, the thing now, is to take care of yourself, read the stickies up at the top, think about some alanon meetings, keep posting, but again:
It's time to take care of you, the folks here will help teach you how to do that, I'm still learning myself, and I've found nothing but support, stick around, keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
You are most definately in the right place. Probably not much you can do about his drinking but ways to deal with it for yourself so you don't get dragged into the crazieness of it all. What does your dad think about no alcohol/drinking in the house?
There are a number of people that post here where alcohol is a problem for a sibling, I'm sure they will be along with some tips
There are a number of people that post here where alcohol is a problem for a sibling, I'm sure they will be along with some tips
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
sarahsnow,
I have an alcoholic/addict brother as well, so I know exactly how you feel.
I've tried to help him find his way to sobriety, and so far it just hasn't done much but make me feel crazy. I realize that he has to find this path for himself -- I can drive him to the trailhead, point at the sign, but I can't do his walking for him. He is going through a sober phase right now, but I didn't get him there......he had to suffer a few consequences (lost his job, house, DL, went to jail) before he "realized" that he had a problem.
Until your brother is ready to admit he has a problem, there is little you can do. Anything you try -- threats, anger, intervention -- likely won't do a lot of good until he's ready to hear you. If he wants to move out, it may actually be a GOOD thing, as he'll be forced to face the consequences of his drinking much more quickly than living at home, where it sounds like there are few if any repercussions for his actions. Sometimes, you have to let them fall.
Read up on this forum, especially the stickies at the top. They helped me.
Protect your own life. You may be concerned about your brother, but take care that it doesn't eat away at your sanity, because truly, this is not a problem you can just do X, Y, and Z and then it's solved......none of us is that powerful here, or we would've done it long ago.
Hugs,
GL
I have an alcoholic/addict brother as well, so I know exactly how you feel.
I've tried to help him find his way to sobriety, and so far it just hasn't done much but make me feel crazy. I realize that he has to find this path for himself -- I can drive him to the trailhead, point at the sign, but I can't do his walking for him. He is going through a sober phase right now, but I didn't get him there......he had to suffer a few consequences (lost his job, house, DL, went to jail) before he "realized" that he had a problem.
Until your brother is ready to admit he has a problem, there is little you can do. Anything you try -- threats, anger, intervention -- likely won't do a lot of good until he's ready to hear you. If he wants to move out, it may actually be a GOOD thing, as he'll be forced to face the consequences of his drinking much more quickly than living at home, where it sounds like there are few if any repercussions for his actions. Sometimes, you have to let them fall.
Read up on this forum, especially the stickies at the top. They helped me.
Protect your own life. You may be concerned about your brother, but take care that it doesn't eat away at your sanity, because truly, this is not a problem you can just do X, Y, and Z and then it's solved......none of us is that powerful here, or we would've done it long ago.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi sarahsnow--
I was in your shoes maybe 20 years ago- finally realizing my brothers (3!!) really were alcoholics. It's very painful, and I struggled for years to find a way to make them stop! It all seemed so obvious to me, especially because we grew up with an alcoholic father. DUH!
I'm angry that he never intervened.
Don't be angry with your father. There aren't many "intereventions" that actually have the outcome WE desire which is sobriety and recovery for the alcoholic. The alcoholic has to want to change. And they usually do that when they finally ask for and accept the help of other recovered alcoholics or professional counselors.
Your father and brother are adults. They have a right to live the way they desire. You can set boundaries that protect you from 2 things:
Being an enabler.
Compromising any aspect of your life due to your brother's drinking or your father's codependence.
It isn't easy! In fact it is really really hard. I learned some good tools through AlAnon. Can you try an AlAnon meeting? Maybe see if your Dad wants to come along?
Alcoholism is a formidable foe. Not only does it have your brother in its grip it will try to wreak havoc with the entire family. Protect yourself, it is commonly a long haul. When I was in my twenties I thought that if my brothers would just stop drinking, man, everything would be so much better. Twenty years later - the oldest has oh so proudly replaced alcohol with weed and smokes 24/7/365. Middle brother has 2 DUI's and is attending AA and claims 60+ days of sobriety as of now - but I have to say he is so fragile and I see that he is a shell of a human being at this point...I hope he can keep at it and find the strength that recovery has to offer. Third brother has just moved in with Mom - at 35yrs of age - left Chicago after years of alcohol related insanity - claiming he was going to sober up... we'll see.
All this to say - it's a long road and the sooner you can educate yourself and let go of any expectation that you can change your brother you will gain peace of mind and find out the only way you can really help your brother is to help yourself. Believe it.
Stick around here - lots of good reading.
Also try the books "Codependence No More" and "Under the Influence." Those are eye-openers!
Good luck--
Peace-
B.
I was in your shoes maybe 20 years ago- finally realizing my brothers (3!!) really were alcoholics. It's very painful, and I struggled for years to find a way to make them stop! It all seemed so obvious to me, especially because we grew up with an alcoholic father. DUH!
I'm angry that he never intervened.
Don't be angry with your father. There aren't many "intereventions" that actually have the outcome WE desire which is sobriety and recovery for the alcoholic. The alcoholic has to want to change. And they usually do that when they finally ask for and accept the help of other recovered alcoholics or professional counselors.
Your father and brother are adults. They have a right to live the way they desire. You can set boundaries that protect you from 2 things:
Being an enabler.
Compromising any aspect of your life due to your brother's drinking or your father's codependence.
It isn't easy! In fact it is really really hard. I learned some good tools through AlAnon. Can you try an AlAnon meeting? Maybe see if your Dad wants to come along?
Alcoholism is a formidable foe. Not only does it have your brother in its grip it will try to wreak havoc with the entire family. Protect yourself, it is commonly a long haul. When I was in my twenties I thought that if my brothers would just stop drinking, man, everything would be so much better. Twenty years later - the oldest has oh so proudly replaced alcohol with weed and smokes 24/7/365. Middle brother has 2 DUI's and is attending AA and claims 60+ days of sobriety as of now - but I have to say he is so fragile and I see that he is a shell of a human being at this point...I hope he can keep at it and find the strength that recovery has to offer. Third brother has just moved in with Mom - at 35yrs of age - left Chicago after years of alcohol related insanity - claiming he was going to sober up... we'll see.
All this to say - it's a long road and the sooner you can educate yourself and let go of any expectation that you can change your brother you will gain peace of mind and find out the only way you can really help your brother is to help yourself. Believe it.
Stick around here - lots of good reading.
Also try the books "Codependence No More" and "Under the Influence." Those are eye-openers!
Good luck--
Peace-
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. I guess I'm really in the mindset of wanting to "fix everything," and wasn't expecting people to suggest otherwise. It's a relief, though.
My brother has a full time job which his drinking has not compromised. (At least not yet.) I don't think he gets drunk often on weekdays, at least not during the day. He's a very pragmatic, dutiful sort of person and since he's still functioning "normally," he feels like his binging is okay. He was convinced he might be an alcoholic until the counselor told him otherwise (though, again, I don't think he was completely honest as he doesn't want to give up alcohol.) He is going into regular therapy, though, so hopefully he'll learn to deal with his problems better. I'm still scared, though. It feels like I'm watching him wander into traffic, and can do nothing to stop him.
Thanks again for all of your wonderful words!
My brother has a full time job which his drinking has not compromised. (At least not yet.) I don't think he gets drunk often on weekdays, at least not during the day. He's a very pragmatic, dutiful sort of person and since he's still functioning "normally," he feels like his binging is okay. He was convinced he might be an alcoholic until the counselor told him otherwise (though, again, I don't think he was completely honest as he doesn't want to give up alcohol.) He is going into regular therapy, though, so hopefully he'll learn to deal with his problems better. I'm still scared, though. It feels like I'm watching him wander into traffic, and can do nothing to stop him.
Thanks again for all of your wonderful words!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
sarasnow Hi! How true is your bit about being helpless while they wander into traffic. That is exactly how I feel. My abf has come out of many binges etc with a few wounds, let them heal and back into it all again. As for me, I feel as if I have been hit by every darn car and truck on the road while trying to get to him. Last time I didn't try, let him handle the hassles, money loss and the withdrawal shakes, s**ts and spews for himself as I had been thru them with him 23 times this year. Said "no more" and meant it. Kept watch in case medical help needed, but did nothing. Cried my heart out when out of his hearing, felt a real b***h etc, but hey, my kids only needed me to feed them and change nappies for a couple of years, then did whatever on their own. Have "mommied" him for nearly 20years. Who needs a tantrum throwing 61 year old baby? Not me!
Thanks for letting me vent my spleen and calm down. God bless you, in my prayers.
Thanks for letting me vent my spleen and calm down. God bless you, in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I had so many not yets. I am an alcoholic in recovery but also the adult child of an alcoholic. He has hit some of the not yets that I never will have to see in myself.
Al-Anon has helped me so much. It allowed me to let go so I could actually help myself and stay sane.
My thoughts are with you.
Al-Anon has helped me so much. It allowed me to let go so I could actually help myself and stay sane.
My thoughts are with you.
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