Silverberry1331

I am so confused today.

The past few days, I have missed my husband terribly. It is worse at night...sometimes, the memories of him are so vivid that I can almost feel him next to me. I am not in a good place right now.

This morning, he called. Out looking for work under the table. He did his usual complaining about how he calls the church we use to attend, his dad, etc, and no one calls back. Although I should not get involved, I told him that perhaps he should talk to his sponsor about it. He mentioned that he doesn't have a sponsor yet...just a bunch of numbers.

After some this and that conversation, he starts to mention that he just wants his wife back...."It is for better for worse, you know." Normally, I just let this go both emotionally and verbally. I didn't respond verbally, but emotionally it tears me up. I miss him. I love him. I want him with me. Yet, I know nothing has changed. The statements in and of themselves indicate that it is still all about him and how he has been wronged. No responsibility for his own actions...everyone else is the villian.

Still, I find myself romanticizing, and hurting awful bad. I do miss him and do wish he was back. I know though that I would probably go crazy if I did such a thing. I hate to just say to myself that it is over.

I need some support and some insight...

Thanks!

Freedom1990

It is a process, so give yourself a break! :ghug2

Despite all the horrible and violent things that happened with my EXAH, I grieved for many months after I left him.

Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

For me, I had to go to no contact in order to really start healing.

Otherwise his phone calls would send me into a tailspin for days on end.

You're not alone, and I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Pajarito

I'm here- and I'm up and down as well, so I can relate. It's hard not to go backwards and get nostalgic. One thing that helps me is to play the tape all the way to the end. . . Who is he now? Is he someone you could rely on? Can you trust him? Is he healthy?

My STBXAH also talked about how hard it was for HIM- never mind that he walked out on me and dd. How did we feel? How were we doing with everything? For a long time I struggled with what I was hearing come out of his mouth- he seemed so sad- he missed having cable, a good meal, a comfortable bed. He seemed so helpless- he lived in a Piece of S apartment, drove a POS car, ate spaghetti or mac and cheese every night (his words). Then I realized that nowhere in all of his sadness/helpless/poor me complaining was there any mention of missing me or dd or any concern over us. It took a lot of thinking and counseling for me to shift the focus off of him and back onto me, but I still do fall back into old habits. Thankfully I feel like I am getting better. It's been over a year, but I do still miss the companionship- if you could even call it that! (LOL) It's still pretty new for you. Can you call a friend when you're lonely? Go out and do something? Volunteer? I also avoid talking to STBXAH- it just triggers a lot of feelings that I don't want to put myself into right now. I try to surround myself with healthy people and that usually helps.

Try to be compassionate with yourself- things will get better.

Reddmax

Silver,

Play the tape through. How does this generally work out? What has changed? Give yourself a break. Do you have anyone you can spend time with? That you're just comfortable being around? If you do... just go to them, and be.

Redd

denny57

I think they're all normal feelings. It's what I do with my feelings that count. Just because I miss someone doesn't mean I invite them back into my life. No one said doing the right thing was painless.

When I was longing for the past it was because I was not living in the present. My life had been his life for so long. I got myself back into the world - meetings, seeing friends, weekend getaways, volunteering (this is a BIG one for me), etc. I slowly recreated my life and today I cannot imagine xAH being a part of it.

((( silver )))

susanfsu1

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain of missing someone you love with all of your being. I am no good at it, but the no contact thing seems best. My counselor said you just have to go COLD TURKEY.

Remember he has to take responsibility for his own actions. You can't do it for him.

Peace and Love.

veryrestless722

theres nothing i can say to make you feel better, its the hardest thing to go through. I miss my husband very much, but its over, and i can remember all the cruel things he's done to me, yet i still love him. I wish i could have the person i married back but he died a long time ago and the man he is now is not worth my time.

Some how you get through it day by day...

Mair

(((())))It hurts i know. But hang on in there it gets better. When i was at this stage, i wrote a journal, i would pick any month in the year and wrote all that i had done. I would then read it back an know why i left my xab.

I got to a point that all my memories of my xab consisted of the good times, my mind chose only to think of lovely times we had together. It felt like my mind was playing tricks with me. Once i picked up a pen and wrote down EVERTHING truthfully, i was shocked at the amount of bad times i had with my alcoholic. Try it it worked for me.

Gill

justaboutus

It's tough. Give yourself some time. Look at it this way... if he sobers up. You've lost nothing. You can always go back. It's easier to go back than to leave... again.

I've thought about vows lately and thought I'd share my two cents. I've decided that alcoholism is a lot like an affair. My husband is choosing the bottle over me. It's no different that choosing another woman over me... it's a failing of the flesh. There's the same pain, loss of intimacy, lost of trust and respect. He's cheating and willfully destroying our marriage... and my A has no intention of giving it up. Would I stay with him if he insisted on keeping a mistress? NO!! So I can't stay just because the mistress is in a bottle.

lizw

I've been single for a year now and broke off my relationship with the porn addict this time in 2007.

I had been trying to break up with him for awhile but just couldn't seem to be able to do it. I felt totally powerless. Part of me knew addiction was addiction but then the other part was saying everyone has problems and at least he isn't an alcoholic or a drug addict.

But in the end, after certain events I ended it. Then a month later tried to get back into it, then ended up in SLAA and despite a few emails one of which I came compltetly clean then a face to face meeting, that was that.

I was thinking about all this yesterday and I think the thing which upsets me the most is that I know now and I can't deny I don't know, if that makes sense. There is like this part of me that won't let me carry on in a destructive relationship. I may over look it in the early stages but it just grows and grows and becomes unavoidable. The light is on, for want of a better expression. I know have a certain amount of self preservation.

Some days, like yesterday and today I am grateful I have it then other days I'm like a kid shouting at God saying I want to go back to being in denial. Sure it may hurt but at least it's comfortable!!!

:ghug2

Getting better and feeling better aren't always the same thing. New behavior for me is usually really uncomfortable.

Freedom1990

I can identify with that, though I don't throw those tantrums nearly as often anymore!

GiveLove

Silverberry,

I know this hurts and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Oh, wait, I can: :ghug3

I know you want him back right now, but which "him" do you want back? The one that blames the whole world for his problems, wont' get help, guilt trips you, and turned his back on you for another woman? Or the fantasy one that will make your life magically better? I think you know the "him" you want is not the "him" that exists right now.

But that doesn't help things, I know. Why do you think you're feeling vulnerable right now? Have you been sleeping well? Is there any hormonal shift going on for you right now? Lots of sodium messing with your head? Have there been other stresses and pressures that are compromising your ability to cope? I always try to examine this whenever I feel like it's all coming raining down: I was okay a few days ago....what's different right now? And what concrete steps can I take to fix it?

Thanks for trusting us to be here to support you. You are much loved in this community.

Kimmieh

I don't have advice, really, but I am sending you a big hug and sunny vibes!
:ghug3

aaparis

:day4

lovtolaff

It must be in the water right now b/c I've had a bad couple of weeks myself. I find myself CONSUMED with what he's doing or how much I miss him. But I have been asking myself "what do you miss exactly" - yes there were many, many great times but not enough to make up for the crap that went on during the relationship.

I gave him PLENTY of chances to admit he had a drug/alcohol problem and get some help. He chose to hear none of it. He chose to continue to drink and smoke crack - knowing deep down that I would leave him over it one day. The drugs/alcohol have too much of a hold over him - he could never be what I needed. And to be honest - I guess the "missing him" feelings that I have is me missing what he could have been "if only".....

I am trying to live in the NOW and forget about him and what he's doing. I have total NO CONTACT with him and couldn't have it any other way. Any contact would send me into a tailspin.

And whoever said that "who said that doing the right thing was painless" - sure hit the nail on the head huh?

Big hugs to you.

sodetermined

I know that when I was trying to physically detach from my abf, I struggled with missing "him" (the 'good' him), I also did the journal thing, and happened to read over some old e-mails I had sent to a friend going over the daily dramas of my life. It helped as a reminder of why I needed to try and detach.

Then I got weak and let him come back. A couple days after the honeymoon was over, and he was getting back to the real him....I thought "what did I miss?".

I know it hurts, but it will get better.

Love and sunshine

~W

kingston

I'm in the same boat as you - as least you are in excellent company. I find myself thinking and sometimes on the borderline of obsessing about him. What he's doing, is he thinking about me, does he hurt the same way I hurt? Is he with OW? On and on. I really have to stop and walk about and give myself a loud firm talking to.

This is not healthy behavior for me and it's only hurting me. I'm wasting my time and energy on a person who has made up their mind as to what kind of lifestyle and person they want to me. I have no control over it.

Reminding myself of all the BAD things and not obsessing about the few good things is better for me too. I have no contact with my xah and it's much better for me as talking to him would send me into an emotional tailspin. I've asked my friends not to tell me things either, most of them do but I still hear things and it hurts.

I was with my AH for 24 years on and off. This time it will be permanent, there is no going back for me. I know better now and don't want to live in denial.

Hang in there and be strong! K

NeedHappiness

Silver......hang in there. I know its hard. The no-contact is the only thing that has pulled me thru this....and it's been no-contact because he wound up in jail for OWI on Sept 6th. Now, after 5 weeks of no contact, I am actually feeling better about it all.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.