NeedHelp81

I think I may have taken a few steps back? I say it as a question because I am not really sure. Well, actually if I am asking then that probably means I KNOW I may have taken a few steps in the wrong direction, but anyways....

I dont know how to make this story short without leaving out some important details but here goes!

I ran into my A on Saturday @ our hangout. I ordered one Corona. He was already three sheets to the wind. His brother and his brotherss friends were there and they decided to leave him to go do drugs. So obviously he was MAD! Well he started just looking dumb! Throwing a fit in the corner and trying to look tough when someone skipped a song on the jukebox that he liked (Tracy Chapman - Fast Car - I LOVE IT TOO). He knocked some stuff on the floor and so I like a codie idiot - said "Ok. I'm giving you a ride home." He wanted to drive. There was no way!

So as we're driving home and he's screaming about his brother he turns on me on randomly and starts screaming about how I am "so perfect" and so "self-righteous!" So I lose it. I start sobbing and screaming about how he just doesn't see what he is! Ugh.....

I drop him off, then I did a few circles around the block and call him. He answers crying. Talking about how he wants to write his trust fund over to me and end his pain. He said he had a cab on it's way to take him to his car. Mind you this is all at like 3:00PM on a Saturday afternoon!

I go there. :codiepolice Try to talk him into staying, he's just crying about he wants to end it, he doesn't want to hurt anymore, he wants help - inpatient help, but is too scared to leave his brother behind being messed up like he is now. I told him he can make an example of himself for his little brother.

He left with the cabbie - came back an hour later in his car. With a 5th by his side. Crying saying sorry and he never wants to hurt me ..... all that quacking.

I take him to see our dog that lives with me because she cheers him up. He was better. We watched a movie and fell asleep.

Have I lost everything I learned? I was so mad and heartbroken! I know him and he does not threaten things like suicide. He is a very honest person no matter how bad it'll hurt you he will tell you and he will do it. I was heartbroken because I didn't want to deal with it so I called his bro telling him what was wrong. His brother replied with "Ya know? I have a lot of stuff going on right now, and I'm sorry but this is not at the top of list!"

I feel selfish because I don't want him to die. I couldn't live with that! I would be in the boat he's in now! I thought I learned alot but I guess I haven't. I love him more than anything and I cannot see myself leaving him to himself.

I would like to set-up lunch with his mom. This has turned into way more than she knows and she has the finances to put him in inpatient treatment. That's what he needs right now, that's what he has requested. I think he just needs a push because he's too scared to tell her anything is wrong - he said he doesn't want to see her cry....

Sorry this was long. Please be gentle on me this was a long weekend of heartbreak.

Thank you for listening as you people are like a diary with feedback.

LaTeeDa

I feel for you, NH. You are in the agonizing place where I spent 20 years of my life. My life was all about him. I spent literally two decades of my life trying to convince him that he was a worthwhile human being, thinking that if only I show him his life meant something, he would come to his senses and get his act together. I also tried to enlist others in my cause. I took care of him because I thought he just couldn't possibly manage to take care of himself.

It took almost half my life to learn that my reasoning was wrong. He didn't have to prioritize his life because I (and others) were willing to make him a priority. The more I treated him like a helpless child, the more he acted like one.

I could not see how much I was encouraging and condoning his self-destructive ways. I was hell-bent on "helping" him. It took a really smart counselor to lift the veil from my eyes so I could see how counterproductive my actions really were. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was only making things worse.

Once again, I will suggest that it would be better for both of you if you get yourself some professional help. You cannot do this for him, but if you learn to step out of his way, compassionately, he may be able to do it for himself. There are no guarantees that he will help himself, but it is a virtual certainty that he never will as long as he has you to catch him when he falls.

L

Pajarito

All of the above is the dance we all do (in some form or another) until we decide we are tired of it. Putting yourself into a place where you've both hung out- where you know he'd likely be makes it harder for you to step back and take care of yourself. I'm sure it's hard, but I would have tried not to be where he might be- as hard as that is. We all take steps back. If you can see that in yourself that's a great start. Now get up, dust yourself off and decide where you want to go with this.

Smart brother. He can't help, you can't help. You can continue to involve yourself in his drama- or you can get out and take care of yourself. His brother seems to know it's not his job to do anything for T. Makes his life simpler- and it's not selfish- it's reality. No one can help T but T.

You are not that powerful- no one is. If he wants to commit suicide, he will. Of course you don't want him to, you want him to be healthy, but he is not. You can't make him healthy, his mom can't, no one can except T. HE has to decide to go to treatment. You setting it up, his mom setting it up- I predict it won't work. Why? because I did the very things you are trying to do, and nothing worked. I've been with STBXAH for 18 years. We have a child together. He walked away from all of that. Alcohol/addiction is a very strong foe. You are fighting a losing battle- IMHO- if you think you can do anything for T except to help yourself.


(((HUGS))) It is heartbreaking.

NeedHelp81

LTD -

Thank you. I should see just a normal counselor? Are there people that help codies? (Sort of Sarcastic, yet quite serious - haha). I don't think that Al-Anon will be my thing, I will try on or two, but I think that my head is too clouded with trying to "save him!" It's so weird, I know that I can't! I know it. But I am sooo scared of what will happen to me, or how I will feel if he took his life. I cannot live with that. I am so scared to feel guilt for a wonderful persons life being taken - "because I couldn't help."

NeedHelp81

Thank you Pajarito. I just feel defeated! AND I DON"T KNOW WHY! I don't know when I decided that this was MY battle. I KNOW IT ISN'T! I am getting so mad at myself, because it seems I am taking two steps forward and one step back everytime I try, I fail.

The thought of me cutting off contact, and him killing himself because it was his last straw - is ust unbearable. It brings me to tears right here as I type.

BBD

Hi Needshelp~~Personally, if he has a trustfund sitting somewhere I assume his mom has control of it. I would have a chat with her to see if you guys can get him the help he needs. If his brother "has too much going on" to deal with anything~~~then tell your friend not to worry about the brother and center of himself. YOU have to take care of you also....a regular councelor will do wonders. Good luck and smiles, Bonnie

NeedHelp81

Hi BBD -

No only he has access to the trust fund. He only gets it when he turns 35 or is he is enrolled in school full-time. GREAT DEAL HUH?! Yeah he's too far gone to see that too.

I just talked to him. He has a bunch of community service to make up, I asked him why doesn't he go to an AA (because that counts for Comm. Serv. hours and he needs it!)? He said he doesn't have enough gas. Really?! We have AA's that he has attended that is 1 1/2 miles from his house - if that! I just said "Ok." I want to hit my point! That made me sooo angry! He took up my whole weekend, making think that I was doing something for him, that he was seeing himself through my eyes! But NO! Back to the same old excuses. It's really f*cking insulting! (Err, sorry to curse but I am PEEVED!)! All the crap he feeds me about "Why do you love me? I don't deserve you. QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!! It's just BS. So he can have someone to lay with - so he can feel validated that he's ok when he knows he's headed for death!

I do one thing, and that is mention this to his mother. I don't care what friggin issues I cause - but it's a family issue - if that - and she has more reign than I do.

Pajarito

I think the fact that you even realize this is a sign you are becoming more aware. I remember your first post here. . . very different from what I am seeing now. ;o)

2 steps forward/1 step back- look at it this way- at least you are moving forward.

And I agree with LTD on counseling. It has helped me more than I can say. ((()))

LaTeeDa

You gave him your whole weekend. Your choice. Can you see that? Can you make a different choice in the future?

I would look for a counselor who has experience with addiction and codependence. Someone who understands the dynamics of how it all plays out.

Alcoholics are notorious for playing into our rescue urges. They don't want to help themselves. They want someone to do it for them. That's how we get hooked into seeing ourselves as their "savior." Then, when they fail to step up to the plate, we feel defeated, and they have someone to blame.

L

NeedHelp81

Yes I can see that it was my choice. It's so sneaky - this codependance! While Im doing it I feel like I am doing good, like it's "different this time." It's like when a drunk is drunk - "I'm ok, look Im not out of control...." I hate this!!

I made a BAD choice this weekend, but even now I feel like I helped.... but the more I think about it, it probably wouldn't have escalated to what it did if I wasn't there feeding into his drama....

Now I feel like a cause and a solution.

prodigal

I think the codependency is just a different side of the same coin as alcoholism. The A will frequently say, "I know I have a drinking problem," yet do absolutely nothing action-wise to get sober. Alcoholism is "cunning, baffling powerful," as is codependency.

My AH stopped going to AA because, according to him, the other drunks were "too blue collar" for him. Since when is alcoholism a class-conscious disease?

May Al-Anon will work for you, maybe it won't. But thinking it will be "different this time" sounds very similar to an A who admits to a drinking problem, yet continues to drink.

Your life. Your choices.