Ago

thanks, yeah...yeah

well this last post will definitely be "held against me" in the court of "you are a bad boyfriend and not a good man and not a very nice person" I just didn't care, I needed to vent.

I'm just tired, I really am, I really do try...I really do...I'm just so tired of trying so hard and just having it never be "right" or "enough" with her.

Like when I get upset, she says, "well, your tone is soft, your language is perfect, it's like you rehearsed it, what you say is perfect, but I can tell you are SO upset, you are wrapped WAY too tight, and you have no reason to be so upset, and NO reason to feel the way you do, so then what you are saying doesn't count.....it's like all I can see is how upset you are, so therefore I get defensive, and _________ (lying about drinking isn't important) or (getting so upset for being left in a hotel room for 4.5 hours is just so childish) or (you are just such a drama queen). whatever....fill in the blank.

I give up.

IDK, I'm just tired.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day

denny57

What kind of remark is that? I don't hate xAH.

Have you posted this on the alcoholism board? What was the reaction there?

Ago

it's a rant denny, it says at the top /rant

it wasn't aimed specifically at "you" denny, I was being pissed, it happens sometimes, people get cranky.

thanks for reading it anyway, I have to admit, I am always amused at what people pull out of posts, there will be 30 responses, and 30 different points of view.

Actually, on the "alcoholism" forum, we talk strictly, Or I talk strictly about sobriety....here however, we get funny threads about cutting the crotches out of our partners pants...which is probably why I post here more often.

theotherone

I for one appreciate your honesty Ago...rants help and I know from experience it is sometimes hard to keep to "I" and "me", but I know what you mean and I take that from your posts.

Lilyflower

Ago, I feel for you I really do, this is a tough one for you, as it would be for any guy who has split up and then had this news bounced at them.

In response to your rant, there were a few things that jumped out to me. I know you were upset at the time of writing and so perhaps didn't think things through as you were typing out, however..

you say that you allowed her to read through your posts. This is a dangerous thing to do! What we share with one another here is personal to us, I know that I would never allow my ex or any of my family members to read what I type here. I know that I write thoughts and feelings which can always be taken out of context and used against me. you must have let her know who you are on this site, else how would she know what posts to read? We also cannot duplicate word for word every event that happens and tend to summarise, so yeah, she probably did see things and think, well what about when you did/said this? She probably thought you would have wrote about her in terms of missing her and being repentive of things that had happened. As I think we would all like our ex's to write! It is all very understandable on her part.
I for one, would just have told her, sorry but no, it is like a diary and personal.

So now, because of a possible error of judgement by you in letting her read your personal posts, you are angry with her for being upset with you? If you would read her posts on her site, I am very sure you would be upset with what she had written about you! You both would have justifiable cause to feel upset. I do not understand why you are so angry with her? To me it seems futile to carry such anger against her, she is upset, as I beleive understandably and you IMO just need to let that hurt subside a bit. KWIM?

Also one thing I would like to stress to you is that you cannot be dragged into a relationship with anyone. You make the choice and you drag yourself. Not anyone elses doing but yourself. You knew what she was like, you know her temper, you knew what you were going back to. Did you have false expectations that things would be different? If you have projected your feelings and expectations onto her, it is not her (or our) fault that she hasn't returned you expectations.

People on this forum are dealing with their own areas of issues, quite often that includes whether or not to leave a unhealthy relationship, and sometimes we go back and forth in our minds and hearts before we make a decision that feels right for our long term. Please do not use your anger and direct it at the issues we face here. It is unfair to us.

As I say, I know you were upset and angry and probably not thinking, yet I suspect that there may be many who have been a bit cheesed with your outburst becuase IMO you directed your frustrations at us. this is a shame because you did not want your post to be that way and it makes people less inclined to want to respond to you.

That said, I hope you resolve things with your ex. If she was cramping and bleeding before, all this added stress sure won't help that.

Best wishes to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ago

If anyone was hurt by what I wrote, I sincerely apologize, I wrote "you" euphemistically and was drawing from my own experience, a relationship I was in when I first got sober 16 years ago, then this one.

However, truly, My most heartfelt apologies, it wasn't meant to target anyone, it was meant to state my heartbreak, indignation, outrage and frustration etc.

Learning how

Ago, So much going on for you.

I hope all is well with the baby.

Do take care, sounds like so much of this is out of your control.
Sending you thoughts of peace.

Freedom1990

All I can say is dig your teeth into your recovery like you've never done before.

I never ever would have made it through pregnancy/birth in recovery without recovery and all my wonderful friends who supported me through it.

I'd also like to add that I started spotting/bleeding early on, and when an ultrasound didn't really reveal much, my doctor said it just might be a miscarriage in the works.

I was devastated, but plunged into my program that much harder.

That baby is now a 20 year old woman.

Ago

First, I have calmed down quite a bit, and I would like to reiterate my apology for my rant, I was just on complete overwhelm and I just "lost it" and needed a place to do so and it was a bit late to be calling my sponsor/friends and it felt "safe" to do so here, if my words made anyone else feel "unsafe" I am truly sorry, it wasn't meant to, but I'd like this to be a safe place for everyone, so I will do my part to keep it so.

second, yes, program, both hands, like a dying man, meetings every day, burning up hours on the phone, working with a sponsor, talking to newcomers, yes. I am doing this.

Third, she lost the baby.

I called her today, told her about my /rant, we had a good talk, but she told me that she lost the baby last night.

I am devastated by this news, I'm very very sad...I lost my baby...I'm heartbroken.

tough week.

:praying

Freedom1990

I'm sorry, Ago. :ghug

Lilyflower

My deepest sympathy to you and her Ago.

Much love and hugs to you,



Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

denny57

I often "amused" the alcoholic in my life. It was his way of putting me in my place. This sentence takes me back there.

That's why I asked you about posting on the other board - feedback on sobriety. Cutting crotches out of pants has nothing to do with sobriety, though I agree humor helps a lot.

Ago

that's enough Denny, this post isn't about my sobriety, it's about my relationship and having/losing my baby, it's not "about you" either.

Please stop.

please.

Kimmieh

I hope you can find some peace and quiet soon. Take care of yourself and my sympathies to her also. :ghug3

sunflowerintx

Ago, this has given me food for thought. Thank you for posting this.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

:praying

Learning how

I am so sorry for your loss.
Please take care.

Stubborn1

Ago, just speaking as a woman it's easy to fake a pregnancy. I hope she didn't do that to you. I hope you keep working on your recovery and out of this toxic relationship. Best of luck Ago.

Rainbowsend

So sorry this has happened.

As for her being ticked off by your posts what struck me was the positivity of your comments about this woman in your 1st post, could she not see that?

Ago

I don't know, I can only speak for me, and if there was a post with 99 "good" things about me and one "bad" thing, I have to say, the "bad" thing is the one I would hear the loudest, but you are right, I went and read the first post and I did say a ton of nice things about her, and that's when we were "broken up", maybe she will go back and read that...IDK, thank you for bringing that to my attention, I was beating myself up pretty bad.

Ago

Thank you for your support

This post really made me think.

Just because I got angry, and threw a tizzy, doesn't make me "right". It doesn't make me wrong, but I aint necessarily "right" either.

I'm just someone who lost his temper during a very stressful time.

This woman got upset because she read an upsetting thing that was written about her.

Doesn't make HER right...or wrong for that matter.

It makes her a woman who read something upsetting and got upset.

We both had a part in this.

it makes us two people that got upset with each other during a very stressful time.

For me, someone doesn't have to be "wrong" just because someone else is "right", I'm right about what I got upset about, she's "right" about what she got upset about, that's why the first response after the /rant was, wow maybe you both need some time to cool off.

Anyway, just because there is "conflict" in a relationship, for me, it's not automatically "toxic".

I don't know what will come from this one, but, today, I'm trying not to blame, especially someone who just lost her baby too.

I'm not blaming me, nor her for events in our past, this doesn't mean I'm not stepping up and taking responsibility and forgiving both of us, but for me today, finger pointing and "blame are "out".

If I "blame and fingerpoint, I stop taking personal responsibility for my actions.

and, yes, she lost the baby, it was not a fake pregnancy.

She is in fact a very beautiful, elegant, intelligent, well educated woman, she is a wonderful mother, a good home maker, a very intelligent and incredible well respected employee in her field, she just happens to have character defects that match mine, that together, bring out the worst in both of us.

She also makes my eyeballs absolutely spin in my head on occasion. (that's a joke)

I really have no idea what the future holds....I'm ambivalent, which means I have strong feelings on both sides of the issue.

However, She is a child of God who is doing the best she can, with what she has, just like all of us here.

Anyhow, by no means am I aiming any of this at you, yours was just the post that got me thinking along these lines, thank you again for jiggling the handle on my brain.