linn4234

Question How should respond (or not respond) or what can I do when: AH has had a few swallows from his "hidden bottle". I take one look at his face and my insides are turning. I tell him I can't stand when you drink. He responds with "it's no big deal, or who am I hurting, or here we go again its all about my drinking.." How can I help me help myself? How can I keep my big shut my mouth? I am not ready to leave him yet, but I have a feeling that is going to be an option. Help

HopeandPrayer

Hi, I used to respond with "If your going to drink, I will be in the other room"
then get up and walk out. My XAH already knew how I felt when he was drinking, so my repeating it was just a waste of my precious time.

Hope this helps, my prayers go out to you,
Barb

blessed4x

(((linn))) I can't give any great advice, because I'm still working on the same thing. I can say being here and reading books like Codependent No More has helped. I haven't attended alanon, mainly because I have 4 kids and I am busy every evening, but I think it's a proven support system for those of us in this boat.

It is hard to hear "it's no big deal" and "who am I hurting"......I get the exact same words. It's hard that they don't see they are hurting themselves, us, and everyone else who loves and cares about them. That they are potentially hurting innocent people on the roads. For me, I spent so long trying to convince my AH that I was right and he was wrong that it became a game I wasn't going to lose. With practice, I'm getting better at ignoring the drink sneaking, going about my life and finding joy in my realionship with my family.

GiveLove

It is a big deal to YOU. It's something you don't want to live with. And your feelings matter.

I tried many different things and finally had to come to realize that being with a man who didn't think my feelings mattered was NOT where I was willing to be.

This is a good place for you to be. You'll find lots of help, support, and ideas here. Weekends are a little slow, but come tomorrow morning the place will light up. Hang in there!

linn4234

On one hand it is nice to know that so many other women are saying the exact same thing to their AH ABF.. But heartbreaking at the same time. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I tend to avoid reading posts because it causes me to get my head out of my ass and face the fact that he is still drinking no matter how many times he says he wants to quit. Some days I can handle it better than others. Thank you for your support.

lovesmenot74

This one line somehow gave me so much clarity tonight ... hopefully it sticks tomorrow. I've been struggling and struggling with how much of my disastrous relationship was my fault, and how much was due to my ex's drug use and selfishness and when I read this ... I thought ... does it really matter who did what? How many times did I tell him what I needed from the relationship and how many times did he continue to do what was right for him and completely disregard my feelings/needs when I know for a fact I ALWAYS considered his feelings in everything I did.

prodigal

I understand and sympathize completely with how you feel. You absolutely hate it when he is drinking around you. He knows how you feel. The thing is:

how you feel about his drinking has nothing to do with his drinking
how you respond to his drinking has nothing to do with his drinking
how much his drinking makes you sick has nothing to do with his drinking.

His drinking has to do with HIS addiction. HIS choices. HIS issues. I told my AH many times how sick all the stuff I saw that came along with his drinking made me feel: lies, betrayal, paranoid accusations, pointless conversations, turning the tables, staggering around and falling into stuff, denial, etc.

He still drinks. I quit discussing anything concerning his drinking with him. It is not mine to own. It is not on my side of the street.

Please don't take this as hard-hearted advice. I realize you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep posting here. Avoiding posts may not be helpful; hurtful initially - yes; but not helpful.

Have you considered Al-Anon and/or counseling for yourself? Believe me, we have all been in the pits of despair about the A in our life choosing the bottle over us. But we have to go through it to get past it.

blue-eyed soul

linn, prodigal is right, hard as it may seem. i thought the al-anon tag line was cheesy (you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it) ... but now i know it's true.

after 13 years i came to the realization just two weeks ago that MY FEELINGS DO NOT MATTER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, and they never will (and cannot) as long as AH is a practicing alcoholic. i tried every approach i had read about in every book and finally realized that it didn't matter what i said or did, so now i don't say anything, hard as it may be sometimes. think of it this way (this is how i finally had to visualize it!): if you tried to roll a giant ball uphill, and it kept rolling back down (and squishing you along the way), would you just keep trying to roll it if you knew the result would be the same every time?

big hugs, sweetie.

Jadmack25

[His drinking has to do with HIS addiction. HIS choices. HIS issues. I told my AH many times how sick all the stuff I saw that came along with his drinking made me feel: lies, betrayal, paranoid accusations, pointless conversations, turning the tables, staggering around and falling into stuff, denial, etc.]

Yes been there, and still there tho he has been sober for 2 weeks. Prodigal is so right on with her post. He is only concerned doing his own thing and you need to do whatever you need to care for yourself and know that your feelings DO matter.

God bless and strengthen you.