Distance - and it's like a vacation!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Distance - and it's like a vacation!
A week ago my ABF and I had a conversation about his addiction which was very different from other talks we have had. He admitted that he is an alcoholic without this defeatist/aggressive "ok, so I am a failure, is this what you want?!" This time he calmly admitted that he has a problem. I calmly told him how it affects me. We talked about options and he agreed to go to meetings at the treatment center and see a therapist. I did not ask him to stop drinking. It was rather about first steps to feel better. All of this is made much easier by the fact that he has his own place now.
Two days later he came home drunk and wet himself while sleeping (in my bed...). I was sleeping in the living room at the time (I can't sleep in the same bed when he is drunk for various reasons). In the mornings (when he was sobered up a bit) I wanted to come to bed, but discovered the wet spot. Usually I would have thrown a fit, but I just went back to the living room. He frequently wets himself when he is drunk and usually we ignore it in the mornings, I would quietly clean it up and not mention it as not to embarrass him. Now this particular morning, for the first time ever, he came up to me and told me that he was embarrassed and apologized. He went to the store to buy supplies to clean up and cleaned it up. For the first time he owned up to the consequences of his drinking.
He has moved into his new apartment and I have not seen him much during the week. He was going to come over Thursday and never showed up (I wanted to be livid, but successfully distracted myself). The next day he called and said he had gotten bad news at work and was very upset and decided to go drinking. He did not want to subject me to it and went home afterwards. Yes, he could have called, but I was grateful that he did not come over. I started to feel depressed over him being depressed, but today I don't. It's not helping anyone.
This past week I was able to sleep every single night (like a baby), I feel calm and relaxed in my home and I can focus on my work and my life. He did not move out because of his drinking, but because he needed to live closer to his work, but it's a blessing that it happened when it happened. We will work on getting my car fixed so he can start going back to the treatment center.
I love the distance (and as much as I still hate to admit it, I am sure he does, too). I cannot even tell you how wonderful it is to sleep through the night, to not stay awake wondering what state he will be in, no pot smell, and so on! I still believe in him, but this is exactly what we both needed - separate our lives physically to get a break from each other's addictions (alcohol and caretaking). I miss him! But it feels much better than to be annoyed or angry at him.
Two days later he came home drunk and wet himself while sleeping (in my bed...). I was sleeping in the living room at the time (I can't sleep in the same bed when he is drunk for various reasons). In the mornings (when he was sobered up a bit) I wanted to come to bed, but discovered the wet spot. Usually I would have thrown a fit, but I just went back to the living room. He frequently wets himself when he is drunk and usually we ignore it in the mornings, I would quietly clean it up and not mention it as not to embarrass him. Now this particular morning, for the first time ever, he came up to me and told me that he was embarrassed and apologized. He went to the store to buy supplies to clean up and cleaned it up. For the first time he owned up to the consequences of his drinking.
He has moved into his new apartment and I have not seen him much during the week. He was going to come over Thursday and never showed up (I wanted to be livid, but successfully distracted myself). The next day he called and said he had gotten bad news at work and was very upset and decided to go drinking. He did not want to subject me to it and went home afterwards. Yes, he could have called, but I was grateful that he did not come over. I started to feel depressed over him being depressed, but today I don't. It's not helping anyone.
This past week I was able to sleep every single night (like a baby), I feel calm and relaxed in my home and I can focus on my work and my life. He did not move out because of his drinking, but because he needed to live closer to his work, but it's a blessing that it happened when it happened. We will work on getting my car fixed so he can start going back to the treatment center.
I love the distance (and as much as I still hate to admit it, I am sure he does, too). I cannot even tell you how wonderful it is to sleep through the night, to not stay awake wondering what state he will be in, no pot smell, and so on! I still believe in him, but this is exactly what we both needed - separate our lives physically to get a break from each other's addictions (alcohol and caretaking). I miss him! But it feels much better than to be annoyed or angry at him.
blue-eyed soul
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: south Louisiana
Posts: 37
oh, good for you! my ah usually works out of town four days a week, which is part of why i think we have survived for the past 13 years! i know just what you mean about being able to be "calm and relaxed" and to "focus on ... work and life" when he is gone. it sounds like you are taking some good steps to avoid enabling, too. best of luck to you, sweetie!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you for your support. I have to admit that my weekend wasn't too great. Well, it's hardly surprising that all of a sudden I am afraid I might lose him because now he does not need me anymore. 
I want him to call me! I get upset when he doesn't and I have been b*tchy and naggy when he did. I should be proud of him: he has been sober, he concentrates on getting his place in order and sort out some financial problems. He has not asked me for money (he has only ever asked for small sums, but he hasn't lately although he is in a crunch). I wanted to talk to him yesterday about fixing my car and he did not call me back. I was mad and sad and all the rest of it. I called him today and tried to be calm. He told me he would call me back and he did. He was sober, he told me what we will do about the car (friends of him will fix it for us). I had offered to take him to meetings and I hope part of that enthusiasm might have to do with that (one might hope, eh? ). Anyway, he sounds good! He is taking care of his life now and I am proud of him.
I do enjoy my calm surroundings, but I have to fight being afraid of not being needed anymore. I know that was never the reason why he is with me, but it's just automatic for me. I should follow his example and take this time to deal with my neediness and compulsion to be part of every part of his life as to never lose control.
It's all so complicated, but it's definitely better than it was. And I will have to look for a counselor!
Haha, he is probably happy about a well-deserved break from his controlling codie. I can say this and giggle thanks to the lovely people on this board! :ghug2
I want him to call me! I get upset when he doesn't and I have been b*tchy and naggy when he did. I should be proud of him: he has been sober, he concentrates on getting his place in order and sort out some financial problems. He has not asked me for money (he has only ever asked for small sums, but he hasn't lately although he is in a crunch). I wanted to talk to him yesterday about fixing my car and he did not call me back. I was mad and sad and all the rest of it. I called him today and tried to be calm. He told me he would call me back and he did. He was sober, he told me what we will do about the car (friends of him will fix it for us). I had offered to take him to meetings and I hope part of that enthusiasm might have to do with that (one might hope, eh? ). Anyway, he sounds good! He is taking care of his life now and I am proud of him. I do enjoy my calm surroundings, but I have to fight being afraid of not being needed anymore. I know that was never the reason why he is with me, but it's just automatic for me. I should follow his example and take this time to deal with my neediness and compulsion to be part of every part of his life as to never lose control.
It's all so complicated, but it's definitely better than it was. And I will have to look for a counselor!
Haha, he is probably happy about a well-deserved break from his controlling codie. I can say this and giggle thanks to the lovely people on this board! :ghug2
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