sam79

My ABF has said he is trying to control his drinking by just having say, 4 cans of low strength beer every week to stop his cravings and prevent binge drinking.

Myself i think this is totally NOT a great idea, cos it means he is STILL drinking regularly, something i find unacceptable.

He thinks hes under too much pressure to stop and just cant do it that easily. This is his way of coping.
As ive mentioned previously he is a binge drinker, it can last for days on end, sometimes just one day.
He detoxed in April and was sober for 6 weeks, but since this he has had weekly slip ups and althought he has continued support from mentors and local services hes finding it very hard.

Do you think im being unreasonable?
Im also finding it hard to deal with although im not living with him at the moment.
I want a proper RELATIONSHIP with him, not this constant battle against alcohol all the damn time.

denny57

His definition of proper may be different. It was a hard lesson for me to learn: I can only change my circumstances, not another person. I had to ask myself why it was so important that I mold another person into someone they are not. It was little things, like control, manipulation, fear and unreasonable expectations LOL!

Today, all I do is think about how I'd feel if someone kept asking me to change for their needs and wants. Why? I like me the way I am.

Can you stay in this relationship if things stay exactly as they are? If not, how can you change?

veryrestless722

wanting a proper relationship is not gonna make you get one, i wanted a proper marriage, a proper father for my baby, and i got neither of those things, the only thing having a relationship with him is alcohol

i used to limit my AH to four beers a day ( this was before i learned about being co-dependant) he stuck to it for a while, but sooner or later it gets to be too much, a true alcoholic cannot limit theirselves for long they have to stay completely away from it

justaboutus

been there done that. Soon you'll hear "no, the week starts over again on MONDAY not SUNDAY", "this one doesn't count because it's a special occasion", "We're not doing that anymore, I'm okay now", then four becomes impossible and needs to be bumped up to six, and finally he just starts hiding them, and it's all your fault.

I, personally, think it's unreasonable to have a relationship with an alcoholic. It's always a threesome: you, him, and the bottle. I'll let you guess who he loves the most.

veryrestless722

ah man i forgot about the special occasions! anytime theirs a holiday, its suppose to be ok to drink more, or his favorites its FRIDAY OR SATURDAY, those special days its nessacary to drink more, or his favorites were he was sick and alcohol would make a cold better :wtf2 or his back hurt and alcohol helped it

how easily ive forgotten that since i dont have to put up with it anymore

sam79

Ive tried telling him he cant carry on drinking just to stop cravings without it going too far, but he thinks he can and that is HIS choice.
He is the one limiting himself to so many beers each week not me.
He says he doesnt want to not be able to drink for the rest of his life, that he wants to be able to go out for a couple of pints with his dad every now and again.
My problem is last time he did this he ended up leaving his dad to 'go home' and bought himself his favourite cider to take home and get hammered.
Its so frustrating because if i mention these 'episodes' he thinks im being judgemental and not supporting properly him in his struggle with alcohol!
No, ive only been supporting him for the past 4yrs of hell!!

justaboutus

Oh yeah... and the "Well, he OFFERED me the beer, I couldn't say NO! It would be rude!!"

<<still in Alcoholic hell

sam79

His usual day to drink is when he gets his benefits, every other Thursday.

Im sure when he gets that money in his hand its a case of "Hey! F**k the food, i'll just get some beers instead"

Or he goes to the pub first and buys his food when drunk, ie:a load of crap junk food.

This probably happens once a month, so lets see what happens now hes just having 4 beers a week eh??!!

Ago

this may be helpful, chapter 3 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.

lovtolaff

Yep. They end up resenting YOU b/c you are "telling them or making them" not drink!

It took me 2 years to get tired of that threesome...and I'm still bitter over why it had to be that way.

Sometimes I ask myself why I'm not jumping for joy instead of dying inside?

veryrestless722

man i totally forgot that one, my AH used to use that one all the time


its crazy how much alike most alcoholics are, its a sad life but i can look back on most of the stuff and realize just how stupid he was, and all his excuses for drinking

prodigal

He wants to control his drinking by having four cans of beer a week.

You do not find this to be an idea that is appealing to you.

You want a "proper" relationship with him.

He wants it his way. You want it your way.

Thus, you have a constant battle of who considers it the "proper" way to proceed.

Perhaps you should rethink the way you are approaching this difference. It doesn't seem to be working right now.

What other ideas do you have that you think would make it work for YOU? Whatever he decides is, ultimately, on his side of the street.