ToughChoices

I no longer believe that anyone can be "enough" for another person.

We can find quick fixes - people that satisfy some of our needs for a time, but until we truly find satisfaction with ourselves, we will always want for more.

Addicts, alcoholics, co-dependents, etc... tend to be drawn to each other because we satisfy some of each others' needs. If one member of an addict/co-dependent couple starts to get better - starts to love him/herself - the other person may very well look for a new relationship.

Just as healthy people tend to avoid relationships with sick people, sick people tend to run from healthy ones.

If your boyfriend is still active in his addiction and in a new relationship, the new girl is most likely every bit as sick as him. A quick fix.

Meanwhile - you are getting better - you're getting out of the ugly cycle.

-TC

veryrestless722

im with you, but i have no clue how to get rid of those thoughts, i wish i did

believe me i tried everything to make my relationship work, so i have no clue what this woman could be giving him that i never did, course shes probably in the stage where he does no wrong and she backs down to him, thats something i couldnt really do as i dont have the submissive type personality, thats all i can figure that he gets from her and not me

but i doubt there was anything me or you could have done differently with our addicts that would have made it work, unless we became a stepford wife or soemthing

bookwyrm

You know, I get those thoughts too. I'm mad at being rejected in favour of alcohol. My AH is 'in love' with someone else which started during our marriage. I'm furious with him for that betrayal. But time has passed (we separated 2 months ago) and I've gotten a little more perspective on things (though sometimes he just makes me wanna SCREAM!).

I know that alcoholism is progressive. I've seen it progress in him over 18 years. Unless he embraces sobriety, there will be NO happy ever after for him (regardless of how it looks on the outside), just one drunken mess after another. And for that, I feel pity for him and the women he will truly screw up/over and for what his family will go through with him. He's strongly in denial - we broke up because we 'grew apart'...(translation, I stopped enabling him).

I hope he 'gets it', I truly do because I would hate to have to go through what many on this board have gone through and watch him die of this disease. And if he does, then I know he has a hard road ahead of him with a lot of work. Getting sober isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination and the success rates are sooo low. It will take time for him, by which point I will have well and truly moved on!

I'm finally focussing on me now. I have occasional 'relapses' and resent the hell out of his carefree lifestyle. But my life is not a competition with his to see who comes out best! My life is about me!! And, someday soon I hope, I will finally be free!

So, in my rambling here I'm trying to say that it is perfectly natural to harbour resentment and have these thoughts and fears. But, for me, I've found that ignoring him and focussing on me has helped me let go of them. I'm not perfect at it but its all about progress! So don't worry about it!

Pajarito

Yes, I've wished he would die. Briefly.

Mine is also dating- and the woman he's seeing works with him. He had an emotional affair with her over a summer before he decided he wanted a separation- and I wondered why he was such a jerk that summer. Now I know. I have the same thoughts some of you have mentioned- is she better than me, is she more attractive? will she "change" him- be so charming and amazing that he'll become the man I remember from long ago and they'll live happily ever after while I slither away and nurse my wounds for the rest of my miserable life. . . blablahblah

Then I get a dose of reality- he's still a big, fat, selfish jerk- and he shows that side of himself to me regularly. Do I think he's going to keep that side hidden from her forever? H no! I also remember what it was like to date (so long ago!;o) and it is all gushy and sweaty and laadeedaa, aren't we so in love??? Until reality hits. He didn't have the energy to maintain a real relationship. It's an illusion right now- all lovey dovey. . . but in time SHE will have to deal with his krap, and I thank God I no longer have to. I am working on myself and trying to quit focusing on him Sure, I let the fear/self doubt creep in sometimes, but I have to have faith that all this pain is for a greater good- MINE! And one day, I hope to have a healthy relationship with an amazing man and be able to look back and say THANK GOD for alcoholism- it's what led me to sanity. Imagine that?!

sodetermined

I used to worry that my ABF/ex-meth addict would find another woman. These thoughts consumed me, and also the fear kept me from moving forward in my own recovery. I no longer live with that fear, I figure, if he cheats, or finds someone else, I know what she will deal with, b/c he does not want to change right now.

Someone said to me once, when I said "what if he finds a woman and changes for them", and they said to me "what would be his motivation to change?".

Another woman can't make him change.

veryrestless722

i wouldnt feel pity for either of them. She will get whats coming to her also. Dating a married man is as low as a woman can get. I have absolutely no respect for a woman who would date a married man. Does trash like that actually think they wont do it to them, that they are so special that he wont cheat on them too.

When my AH ran off for 5 1/2 months in '06, i almost felt sorry for the girl he was with cause he had bought her an engagment ring, talked about having a baby, yada yada yada, then he came back to me (yes i was stupid and took it back) she tried like hell to get him back, called constantly, even had her other kids call trying to get him to call her back, she even tried telling him she was pregnant, even tried after "9 months" sent his mom a picture of a baby and tried to tell his mom it was hers, for one her tubes were tied and yes i know its still possible to get pregnant but in this case i dont believe it, i didnt believe it then and still dont, but the kicker was his mom wanted him with me and never told him about the girl sending the picture of her so called baby, i only found out that when he left this time, she was just pathetic in trying to get him back, but i simply cant feel sorry for someone she knew he was married when she got with him, and i told her that on the phone once, what did you expect, you dont date married men, it always bites you on the a** , im sure she was really hurt by him but she brought it on herself

and when things fall apart with the one this time, i wont take him back ,and she best not come to me crying like the other one :chatter, its her own fault, and this one can keep him , i dont want to deal with him anymore

bookwyrm

Well, having lived with him for so long, I know what she's letting herself in for and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!! I hope she gets out before he starts eroding her self esteem and lays on the manipulation. Hah, who am I kidding, he does this automatically! Such a control freak.

I hold my AH more responsible for it than her - she doesn't know me, has never met me, I'm just a background figure, while he supposedly loves me! He betrayed me, not her! My AH can be funny and charming and who knows what he has said to her. His is a master at making himself out to be the victim in every situation.

I think I've come a long way so quickly - I've moved on from wondering why I couldn't be 'everything' for my AH, why I couldn't make him sober/happy etc to realising that we are not good for each other and I need to put the focus firmly on me. I'm moving towards being indifferent to him. It hasn't been easy but I can change me! I want to be happy!

veryrestless, I hope you too will make it through your anger and pain. I used my anger in the early days to keep the focus on me and it helped me take the baby steps to get to where I am now. It does get better, honest! :ghug3

veryrestless722

thanks bookworm, i guess everything is still just fresh for me but im getting better every day, i think im more in the acceptance phase, still hurts but what can i do it is what it is, anytime i start getting mad or sad about it, i think about my son who will be born shortly and i realize what i truly do have in my life, i would rather have my son than my AH, im making it because i know ill have bad days but i embrace my good days and i know its a long process, but ive already come a very long way

oh and i get that hes responsible for what he did, but to me it says alot about a womans character to date a married man, i just couldnt do it, the thought of hurting some other woman like that is something i couldnt do, guess i was raised diffferntly

chrisea

the woman after me (thank you, for taking him)... learned within months (regret it took me 2 yrs). Getting sober & living a great life - highly unlikely, most likely he is getting his share of what he brings to himself. So hope he gets old. mostly I could care less.


if we are lucky enough to find someone to share the journey of life with us. For the younger on this site, I hope you find him (look for a giver) someone who cares for you as much as he cares for himself.

HopeandPrayer

To tell you the truth, I still have these moments and its been 17 years.

But mostly I just let his current wife deal with him. The only contact I have with him is when our sons ask me to talk to him when they can't, and usually that is when these moments happen. Then I realize I don't live with him and can hang up on him if I want to..
Barb

baileyboop

I honestly harbor no anger or resentments for my X at this time. I do still have sadness from time to time..but I think that is natural.