A boundary story
 

When making the arrangements to physically separate from my husband (renting a new place, setting up utilities, etc..) AH commented that he thought he would have less desire to drink when I wasn't living in the house.

He theorized that he drank, in part, out of rebellion. If I wasn't there, who would he have to rebel against?

At the time, I found this line of thinking very painful. It made me angry. I felt as though he was blaming me for his problems.

But arguing with him wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. I didn't really believe that I was the problem - although I know that I contributed to it - but attempting to defend myself would have been pointless.

At that time I decided that I no longer wanted to talk to my husband about his drinking.
I established a "no alcohol" discussion policy. I didn't tell him about this boundary - it was there to keep me protected from pointlessly painful conversations.

We both know that there's a problem.
We both know what can be done to address that problem.
What's left to talk about?

All this to say.....
While speaking with AH the other night, he mentioned the "maybe it's your fault because I need to rebel" conversation of so many weeks ago.
He looked me in the eyes and said, "I was wrong. I really have a problem, even when you're not here. Especially when you're not here."

And I said, "That sounds hard, but I'm not able to talk to you about alcohol. I'm sure you'll take care of yourself." Then I changed the subject (-this sounds mean when I type it, but I assure you, I was very kind).

He stammered all over the place. Apologized for bringing it up.

For so long, I was the one who wanted to talk about his drinking. For so long, he could hook me back into the madness by throwing me a little "you're wonderful, I'm the one with the problem" bone.

No more.

I know better now. We're both people with problems. I'm taking steps to correct mine. He's fully capable of doing the same. It is not my job to show him the way.

Here's to taking care of my issues, and respecting other people enough to let them deal with their own!!!

-TC

:You_Rock_

TC, you are a shining star of recovery.

I got sucked back into it for so long........my self-esteem was so tied into his problem that all he had to do was say, "You're the greatest, baby...let's work this out together" and I'd come running like a slobbering little cocker spaniel.

But no more.

Thanks so much for posting that tonight.

GiveLove, I did my fair share of running back.

At some point I figured out that I didn't need him to tell me that I was wonderful in order to actually be wonderful.
I just was.
We all are.

I know this sounds kind of dorky, but it's really how I'm feeling lately.

thats great you stuck by your boundary, i hope things continue to get better for you :Dance7:

Wow, that is a really great boundry.

I'd like to elect TC our official SR life coach :D

But seriously, if all of us (the big human "all") could find it in ourselves to see what great people we are RIGHT NOW, just as ourselves, without someone else standing by with a clipboard and bic pen saying, "Yep, you're acceptable to me" there would be so much less pain in the world. Lots of folks are there, lots like me are trying to get there, so many I've met are hurting so much.

For me, it's a lifelong learning process. Probably the best work I'll do while I'm alive.

Thanks again.

That is beautiful.