veruca211

So many of you know, the past week I have been dealing with the fact my AB fell off the wagon and is in jail for a DUI. Well, last night I went to my 1st al-anon meeting. It was ok, I'm still not sure it is for me though. Not to sound awful, but the people there seemed to have a lot of their own issues that had nothing really to do w/ their qualifier. Anyways, today my AB goes in front of the judge to I guess find out what his exact charges are etc. and what he is facing- Im not too familiar with the system. My problem is, I find that confidence to walk away I had earlier in the week, shrinking. I just keep hoping he's getting out, will be ok, etc. And that I know is bs. I am at work, it is a beautifl day, I am healthy, etc. Why am I still so concerned with him!
..... His mom just texted me- looks like he is getting out in a week. Part of me is happy, but part of me is terrified because with him being in jail the past few days, I didnt have to talk to him and that allowed me to kind of build up a barrier and start seeing things more clearly. We arent in the same state as of now, so I dont have to worry about him showing up, but I know he's going to want to talk. I still love him with all of my heart, but really am trying to be strong and do what is best for me. Im just exausted from everything always being about him and his disease- as heartless as that sounds, Im just beat.
Well, at least I have another entire week to work on this and really try to stick with my convictions of doing what is best for me- now, and in the long run!
I know that was just one long continuos though, but thanks for letting me share!
veruca211

denny57

I was shocked to find out how many issues I had of my own LOL!!!!!

veryrestless722

this is usually the pattern i followed, i was strong for a while then it would start shrinking, so i get where you are at, and right now your gonna fall back into it if your not careful, i usually call these my panic points, ive had them everytime my AH has left and when he finally contacts me after his little skit of running off
thats the hardest time for me , when he calls and wants to "talk" it gives me hope everytime and i fall right back into the pattern , i dont know how to tell you not to fall back into it, as i have not faced my AH again since the last time i spoke to him in sept, but i know its coming sooner or later
you just got to be strong, if your really serious about it, then change your phone number , its what i had to do when mine first left , ive actually changed my number 3 times since April of this year, i seem to do better with absolutely no contact, kinda the way an alcoholic has to completely stay away from alcohol
you just have to decide what is best for you, whether you go back or you dont, only you can make that choice and only you will be to blame for what happens based on your choice

good luck

baileyboop

Me too, Denny...me too. :ghug2

Ago

Stay strong kiddo, do what's right for you.

Try some more alanon meetings, I think the suggested number is six, hopefully you will find some that "fit" you.

The reason we talk about "ourselves", or I should just talk for me, because I found out I'm the only one I can "change", the spiritual axiom is, "If I'm upset with something, there's something going on with me" and I was upset a LOT dating this person. We aren't there to change our A's, we figured out that didn't work, personally, I broke up with mine, but I'm still studying because this relationship showed me a few things about myself, a lot actually, so I'm "fixing" myself rather then someone else, for two reasons, one is, So i don't keep repeating old behavior, as in "recreating my growing up years, with all the alcoholism and abandonment, and picking someone to "play that role" and hope, actually, it's my experience, when I am healthy, I attract, and am attracted to healthy people.

I want to be healthy and attractive, inside and out, and I'd like a relationship like that. I don't mean "Hollywood" beautiful either, for example today I was meeting with my counselor, she's about ten years older then me, kinda short and a little heavy, and I have a little secret "boy crush" on her a little bit just because she is such a beautiful human being.

If I'm "broken" I will attract and be attracted to "broken people", whether it's someone to "fix" me, or someone wanting me to "fix" them, neither scenario plays out well, neither is it anything resembling "love" although it pretends it is, it's just another harmful addiction for everyone concerned.

If I don't address MY core issues I will keep repeating the same behaviors until I do.

Anyway, going back through my life, when I'm mentally "healthy" I make healthy decisions and have "healthy relationships" and when I'm not, I flat out don't, I make BAD choices in mates, really bad.

We aren't responsible for our first thought (getting weak) but we are responsible for what we do with those thoughts, do we entertain them? or even wallow in them? (speaking for me)

Or, do we reach out for help and support (like you)

You're doing great kid, hang in there, try some more f2f's and keep coming back, keep us updated, we are all rooting for you.

:ghug3

veruca211

I made it through yesterday and today pretty well- kept busy with work, but would be a liar if I told you I didnt have a few drinks myself. Not my best decision or way to cope, I know this. I just find myself really angry at times- like why do I have to go to alanon, why do I have to cry over him, why do I have to feel defeated and lonely, all because of his addiction? I'm working on that anger and trying to turn into a positive energy that I can channel elsewhere in my life- god knows I have enough on my plate without his issues getting involved. Thank you to you all, you have saved my last shreads of sanity! hahaha

denny57

I found out I needed Al Anon, felt defeated and lonely because of my choices, not his addiction. Recovery starts with me.