TTOSBT

FMC,
Years ago I dated an alcoholic. He used to sweat alcohol. The type of smell depended on what type of alcohol he had been drinking. I did do a google search on this and while there were varying answers, one answer was fairly consistent. That a full medical work up was needed to make sure it was not a symptom of underlying organ trouble.

LarryATL

Hi FMC, my wife is also my A and she is active (not in recovery). As to your point about smell, yes, they absolutely do - at least mine does. I can't exactly describe it but it's usually there when she's got lots of alcohol in her... sometimes it's so bad I have trouble sleeping in the same bed with her (how sad is that?). I've learned to hate that smell with every fiber of my being - I also have a very "Pavlov's dog" reaction to it... want to go far away.... affects me as if it were nuclear radiation or something..... toxic.

Anyway, I also have a child (now a teenager). He has seen much over the last several years that has greatly affected him, though he is now doing Alanon (thank God). He is able to drive now and that is an enormous weight off my mind... he has explicit permission to disobey his mother and take the keys and drive if he has any doubt about her having been drinking - and oh by the way, he does exactly that! Obviously your kids are much younger than that but please please do anything and everything to protect them. When your wife has been drinking, alcohol has in effect hijacked her brain and she is not making sound decisions (eg driving with the kids). Tough as it may be, you many need to establish a boundary with your wife on this point - for the kids sake, not hers.

Also, I strongly recommend attending face to face Alanon meetings. I've been doing it for two years and it has been an enormous help to me.

Wishing you peace, health, and serenity,

Larry

felicidade

In my case, I didn't notice it while we lived together - but many others did. My friends and sister would ask me how I could stand the smell, and I recall my response now as the apex of denial: "What smell?"

After he left, I went to visit him in his new apartment and the odor was unmistakeable. Pungent also applies in his case. Musty yes, also.

About two months later, on the road to bail him out of jail for a DUI, I was stopped by the police for speeding (of course). I told him the whole yarn and asked him the same question about "the smell." I thought, "Cops must see drunks all the time. Why not ask an objective expert?"

He replied that every alcoholic that he'd encountered had a musty smell, like the wood floors of a frat house or an old bar on a Sunday morning. Definitely the remnants of the liquour but with the actual alcohol already having evaporated. Like stale beer I thought.

Funny thing is that while I "never" noticed it then, the smell instantly returns when he relapses. It's like a clarion call to stay away. I love that smell now, because even if my heart betrays me, my nose can't.

GrowingPains

"I've learned to hate that smell with every fiber of my being"

Me too!!!

I find the perspiration smells kind of like formaldehyde, which makes sense as the body processes alcohol into a similar substance before it becomes acetic acid. I also notice it on the breath of someone with a hangover. It can gag me from 10 feet if that person's a mouth breather.

formychildren

Well, I went out yesterday and bought a breathalyzer (sp?). I came home from work about 2.5 hours early, showed my wife what I bought, and asked her to take it. We had talked about my buying some sort of testing kit, but I never said what or when. She told me that since she had betrayed my trust on multiple occasions, she understood why I would do it. And, since she really wanted to make this work would be willing to have me test her whenever without a fight. So, I did just that.

I opened the box and tested it on myself in the parking lot where I bought it. It read .00, so I knew it was working just fine. I gave it to her yesterday when I showed up at home without her expecting me. She blew a .00. This morning she left for the store about 6:30 a.m. before the kids got up; when she got back I asked her to take it again. It was .00 again. When I got home tonight, I decided not to give her one since she seemed totally sober. And, guess what. That horrible smell was gone.

She told me that my buying it actually gave her additional motivation not to drink. Now, I don't know if that is good or bad. But, since she isn't drinking, I'll take it for good.

I never thought I'd actually be buying a device for this reason, but if it gives me some comfort, it was money well spent.

felicidade

I truly hope this works out for you. I know my STBXRAH tried that afer his mother gave him one (that hangs from a key chain!) for Christmas a few years ago. I thought it was an enabling thing.

He really did try to cut down for me, for the kids, for him. But his attempts to control it never worked for long. According to him, he was able to enter recovery when he stopped trying to control it and left it to God. He's been sober about 5.5 months...

Stubborn1

formychildren, it's so hard to hear your story and I am so sorry you have to go through this. You sound like an amazing husband and father. Do you have a brother?? lol
No one knows why a person will stop drinking, for me it was the love I had for my children and I knew I had no right to teter with their mothers life. They are so precious to me WHY would I drink and drive and do that to them.
I don't know what will work on your wife but if a breathilizer works then great. Maybe being held accountable will help. When that doesn't work then what will you do? I personally ran out of options and I tried it ALL.
My husband is also a professional in the medical field and knows the risks. He smokes cigerettes as well. You are not alone in this.
I have also decided to stay married to my husband even though we have been seperated for many years. Divorcing is not always an answer. The only reason I would recommend something like that is to gaurentee your wife did NOT drink and drive with the children because you had full custody. When it's all said and done your job is to protect them.
You are in my prayers. You are an amazing man for holding your wifes hand and being with her through this.
I am a stay at home mother and yes we get VERY bored and long for adult interaction. She needs to find things to keep her busy that do not involve drinking. I don't know if I would go as far as a job unless it's something she enjoys doing. She doesn't need triggers right now. One day at a time, one step at a time. Give her time to think and reflect and show her life can be wonderful sober. Good luck formychildren.

DII

Formy,

My situation is almost exactly like your's. Just five years forward. Let me fast forward this for you from my experience. Your wife MUST own her recovery and get into a program and AA. A's can't and don't recover without OWNING their recover and will never get there when we think our HELP is required. We can only SUPPORT an A's who's working on their recovery.

They don't physically get better only progressively worse. Intoxication turns to sickness, turns to detox.

YOU need to undestand the disease and your role in codependence and support while she is in recovery. Al-anon and therapy can help.

YOU cannot trick or control the A into recovery. Breathalyzers, changing your schedule, coffee nights out, family check in's whill only make you and the ones you love insane. Expect lies and denials and "I'm fine" response in the face of obvious intoxication.

Remember that "fine" stands to an alcoholic stands for:

Fu*@ed up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

Get her to OWN the disease and get yourself educated and into Al-anon!

Keep posting!

FormerDoormat

I found that it was impossible for me to think clearly when I was focused on such things as whether my boyfriend was drinking, how much he was drinking, if his breath or body smelled of alcohol, or what his blood alcohol count was. Whenever I was focused on what he was doing or not doing, I wasn't able to focus on me or my daughter and what we needed and wanted out of life.

Eventually I realized that alcohol wasn't the problem; it was a distraction I used to avoid recognizing and resolving my own character flaws--and I had plenty. With the help of Alanon and SR, I'm working to keep my flaws in check and learning to engage in healthier activities. And my life is much more peaceful and happier as a result.

Have you tried Alanon yet?

formychildren

I understand that the breathalyzer is not the only answer, but it does give me a bit of peace until we get this figured out. I asked her to take it again today, it was again negative. So, if this thing can help ME feel more comfortable...well, it is worth it. She has to want to do this. And, by all accounts, she does.

She feels horrible that she has put me through this and has betrayed me. I really hope that those feelings will last. But, I made sure she knew that I was not "mad" at her - I told her that I was just sad & scared. And, there is a huge difference.

Thanks for the replies, some are very helpful.

felicidade

Dear FMC,

I really am so happy that you feel better, and it provides you peace of mind. That is an amazing feeling.

I can see why my reply might be frustrating, because, in my case, it didn't work. But my case is different from your case. You and your wife are communicating, trying together, trusting each other.

I think that's beautiful; I wish I'd been more aware during my life with my STBXRAH.

I pray for the best for you and your family.

blessed4x

I read through most of the thread, but it's long, so pardon me if you have addressed this. Just wondering if your wife has been involved with ACOA, or had any counseling to help her deal with growing up with an alcoholic mother? It sounds like she's motivated to abstain, but I'm guessing there's a lot of work she'll have to do to explore her past and how she's repeating it.

formychildren

Actually, my wife did not know her mother was an alcoholic until she was 27 years old. Her mother died about 7 years ago. I suspected it over the years, but had no concrete proof. Her own father didn't know the extent of her mothers drinking. Sad, really.

I'm learning to take everyone's comments in stride. I know that everyone wants to be helpful and that everyone's situation is different. I'm just trying to remain positive.

Jadmack25

formychildren, you have had a great shock regarding your wife's drinking and are here asking questions and hoping for some support from people who have a bit more experience of alcoholism than the average person. Actually it seems to me that she has a drinking problem but whether she is an alcoholic really has yet to be determined, professionally. We can only know what you have told us about your wife, whereas you know her very well, and we may get the "wrong end of the stick" at times. If some of us do, it isn't to cause you any more pain, just forgive us and set us straight, because I have no doubt that all we want is to help, if we can.

Each one of us here has our own experiences, hassles and heartaches due to the alcohol abuse of some we love or have once loved. Most of us will still be carrying some baggage from these relationships, some carrying heavier loads than others. Each of us can only speak for our own experience of coping, and from whatever feelings we still have from them, eg unmet love, anger, bitterness, grief, bewilderment, self preservation, surrender and others. Don't leave because you feel we may be a bit off line at times, you may leave just when someone who could help a lot posts here. What a shame that would be for you.

If you believe your wife would be helped more by private counseling etc, then go for it, and take it from there. The aim is to help her, yourself and your children, and it would be better than perhaps going in the deep end of a public meeting or group session.

As for being next door while your children were asleep, well you had them on monitor and within seconds of you attending them. I couldn't do that as when my children were young, we didn't have monitors. My daughters have children and have done as you did, whether they were outside by the pool or next door. It is obvious from you being here and the name you chose, that your children are too important to you, to be put in to any danger.

I wish you every blessing to help and support your wife thru this miserable time. Don't give up on this site, it is a God send.

denny57

I didn't know xAH was an "alcoholic" until we had been married 15 years. It doesn't matter. The signs were there all along that the drinking was a problem. I know that now, looking back.

Denial is an incredible friend (and foe).

In my experience, we had several rounds, if not more, of me "monitoring" xAH's alcohol intake. Never lasted. Things got better when I took care of me - first stop, Al Anon.

Good luck!

blessed4x

I honestly did not mean to offend. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, but do know that even if alcohol is well hidden there are still patterns of behavior. I only offered the suggestion for counseling to help her, because now that she does know her mom was an alcholic, and probably pretty extensive if she died from cirrhosis, then she must have feelings about that.

I'm glad you are able to take what you need and I pray the best for you and your family. I'm a huge advocate for my kids to...........all 4 of them (blessed4x)

Learning how

formychildren, In my experience I have learned some people do stop drinking.
I am still married to my AH, he has been in AA for 4+ years. Its still not easy but at least we are on a path of recovery (most of the time lol)
I my case he did not stop drinking until I moved out of the house with the kids, it takes what it takes. (we were in a hotel 3 nights, he then moved out for about a month)
Sounds like your wife has stoped the drinking and that is good.

When my AH first stoped drinking he went to a lot of meetings, because he said he didn't know how to act without drinking. Bar-b-q and drink beer, mow lawn and drink beer, meet with friends and drink beer.....
Just his situation but for him there was a huge learning process and he needed a lot of support. In my case, I found it helpful if other people acted as he primary support in this area. This support can come from wherever it seems best for your wife as it is first her issue to deal with.

Good luck with all of this, I don't want to say anything that would be upsetting as I do not know your situation just what happened to me.

The AA's have a saying about just keep doing the next right thing. I find that helpful.

babsywabsy

OMG! I thought it was just me. My whole house smells old and sour. I am constantly burning candles and incense to try and remove the smell. I always ask people when they come in if it smells weird and everyone thinks I'm nuts, but I definitely smell a sour smell - especially on weekends when AH is drinking particularly heavily. AH is about to go on a two-week fishing trip and I can't wait to air out the house.

FMC, hang in there. I'm in a similar situation and I spend so much time worrying about my children. Just be sure to focus on and take care of yourself - for your sake and your children's.

TryingSoHard

Hi there,

I just came upon this thread and just HAD to reply. I even read through all four pages of posts.

FMC, I had to read through your original post AT LEAST 3 times, examining details, to make sure you weren't my husband. I haven't landed in the hospital (yet) because of my drinking so I'm pretty sure you're not (LOL) but otherwise... there aren't many differences in the story.

Me and TTOSBT have an awful lot in common, too, so as I read the exchanges between the two of you I started to cry.

At one point you said that you are hoping that, by making changes now, you and your wife can change things/fix things before they get worse. That's the same situation I'm in. I'm trying very hard to not have a lot of the "bottoms" that other people have had, but I'm positive that I have already inflicted an awful lot of hurt that I don't realize.

Based on what I've read, you sound an awful lot like my husband... and that's a REALLY GOOD thing. I admire your love and support.

I honestly hope, for your entire family's sake, that this works out. You're in my thoughts. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you ever want to talk.

-TSH

denny57

I hope one day your husband will consider posting, too - that would be terrific, in my opinion, because it's always helpful to hear the different approaches spouses of alcoholics take.