I think I might have set my first boundary
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: spokane WA
Posts: 14
I think I might have set my first boundary
I do not want my AH driving my kids anywhere if he's been drinking. This has been a problem for years. I will complain and he will get very offended and claim that he is not even buzzed. He has never once said someone else should drive, even on the rare night he drank away from home and was falling down drunk, so obviously I can't trust him to know when he's had too much. Most days I would not even know he had been drinking except for all the empties in the trash, but I still don't want him driving the kids.
Today in between errands I stopped by the house to drop off my 7yo before picking up my others from school. I asked AH to watch her so I didn't have to drag her along with me. He said fine and that he was just going to get his paycheck from work and put it in the bank but he could take her. I started to agree but suddenly stopped instead and thought twice. I said I would just take her with me instead. He asked why and I asked if he had been drinking. He asked why that would matter. I said because I don't want you driving her anywhere if you've been drinking. He said "Do I look like I've been drinking to you? I've been trying to take a nap but everyone keeps calling me on the phone!" I almost said all right but then realized he had not actually answered my question. I asked again if he had been drinking and he growled "An hour and a half ago!". I told him in that case I would just take our daughter with me. He started stomping around and muttering things like "I'll show you drunk" and "Maybe I just won't put my check in the bank then" while I left.
When I got to the school he called me. He was upset saying I was accusing him of being a drunk. He felt I was acting like a warden. I said that I just didn't feel comfortable having him drive one of our kids somewhere when he'd been drinking. I told him that if it was a babysitter who'd had one beer an hour and a half ago and then drove my child somewhere I would be very upset, and that it's no different if it's one of us. He got angry and wanted to know why I'd think he'd been drinking anyway because he is not drunk. I said "Because you drink every day..." (duh!) He yelled "No I Don't!" and hung up on me, which is unusual for him. I almost sent him a text message saying "I love you" to make him feel better, but then decided that would be trying to shield him from the consequences of not drinking.
Later on my way home he called and apologized for hanging up on me. He felt I had been accusing him of being a drunk. I said I wasn't accusing him of anything but that I couldn't have him driving the children if he'd had something to drink. We're okay now and he's not upset.
And actually he kind of did look drunk to me. Lately I've noticed that sometimes he is red on his upper cheeks right under his eyes. I kept asking him about it at first because it looked like he had been crying or rubbing his eyes. He said it was sunburn but it comes and go. I think it's related to his drinking somehow.
Oh, and later I realized another reason not to let him drive her besides the obvious. He doesn't know I know, but he has seven empty beer cases and several empty cans in the back of his vehicle. If he was pulled over for something he would probably be arrested and that would be so awful for my little girl.
I will not let him drive me or my kids anywhere ever again. Because he plays sober so well and hides alcohol I have no way of knowing if he is over the legal limit, so I will just always assume he is.
Today in between errands I stopped by the house to drop off my 7yo before picking up my others from school. I asked AH to watch her so I didn't have to drag her along with me. He said fine and that he was just going to get his paycheck from work and put it in the bank but he could take her. I started to agree but suddenly stopped instead and thought twice. I said I would just take her with me instead. He asked why and I asked if he had been drinking. He asked why that would matter. I said because I don't want you driving her anywhere if you've been drinking. He said "Do I look like I've been drinking to you? I've been trying to take a nap but everyone keeps calling me on the phone!" I almost said all right but then realized he had not actually answered my question. I asked again if he had been drinking and he growled "An hour and a half ago!". I told him in that case I would just take our daughter with me. He started stomping around and muttering things like "I'll show you drunk" and "Maybe I just won't put my check in the bank then" while I left.
When I got to the school he called me. He was upset saying I was accusing him of being a drunk. He felt I was acting like a warden. I said that I just didn't feel comfortable having him drive one of our kids somewhere when he'd been drinking. I told him that if it was a babysitter who'd had one beer an hour and a half ago and then drove my child somewhere I would be very upset, and that it's no different if it's one of us. He got angry and wanted to know why I'd think he'd been drinking anyway because he is not drunk. I said "Because you drink every day..." (duh!) He yelled "No I Don't!" and hung up on me, which is unusual for him. I almost sent him a text message saying "I love you" to make him feel better, but then decided that would be trying to shield him from the consequences of not drinking.
Later on my way home he called and apologized for hanging up on me. He felt I had been accusing him of being a drunk. I said I wasn't accusing him of anything but that I couldn't have him driving the children if he'd had something to drink. We're okay now and he's not upset.
And actually he kind of did look drunk to me. Lately I've noticed that sometimes he is red on his upper cheeks right under his eyes. I kept asking him about it at first because it looked like he had been crying or rubbing his eyes. He said it was sunburn but it comes and go. I think it's related to his drinking somehow.
Oh, and later I realized another reason not to let him drive her besides the obvious. He doesn't know I know, but he has seven empty beer cases and several empty cans in the back of his vehicle. If he was pulled over for something he would probably be arrested and that would be so awful for my little girl.
I will not let him drive me or my kids anywhere ever again. Because he plays sober so well and hides alcohol I have no way of knowing if he is over the legal limit, so I will just always assume he is.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Good for you Amber. Sounds like you made a pretty big step there and held your ground. Glad to hear it. I remember the first time I told R that he was not allowed to ever have my child in a vehicle with him when he had been drinking, boy that turned into a broo ha ha. We have to protect the kids first and foremost. They are innocent in this.
As for you husband's eyes, you should do some reading up on that, it is a side affect of the alcohol. Sorry to say it but true none the less. Just remember the three C's girl. You can't Control it, you didn't Cause it and you can't Cure it. Hang in there.
As for you husband's eyes, you should do some reading up on that, it is a side affect of the alcohol. Sorry to say it but true none the less. Just remember the three C's girl. You can't Control it, you didn't Cause it and you can't Cure it. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What a great boundary to start with. This is one that could save your life, and your little girl's life. Sounds like you handled it just right.......not angry or insulting, just the facts: You're not driving me, and you're not driving my kid. Let's talk about something else now 
Good job!!!!!!
Good job!!!!!!
proud of you that you stood your ground 
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Amber, good for you. I am late seeing this post. But please be aware that an active A will lie to you. As you noted in your post he was going to drive after drinking an hour and a 1/2 ago. Mine would drink and drive, (open beer between his legs) and lie to me about it. Youngest son is the one who told me it was going on after AH promised he wasn't.
Hope it works out. You are doing the right thing by drawing the line.
My AH has been in AA for 4 years now. I am thankful I don't have to deal with the active drinking anymore.
Hope it works out. You are doing the right thing by drawing the line.
My AH has been in AA for 4 years now. I am thankful I don't have to deal with the active drinking anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: spokane WA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
What a great boundary to start with. This is one that could save your life, and your little girl's life. Sounds like you handled it just right.......not angry or insulting, just the facts: You're not driving me, and you're not driving my kid. Let's talk about something else now
Good job!!!!!!
Good job!!!!!!
I am already learning a lot just from reading here. When he was yelling at me on the phone I didn't feed into it and yell back. Instead, I realized that I was not talking to a sober person. So I did not expect him to make sense or understand my logic. I expected that he would be angry and insult me. He was just feeling threatened.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: spokane WA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Learning how
Amber, good for you. I am late seeing this post. But please be aware that an active A will lie to you. As you noted in your post he was going to drive after drinking an hour and a 1/2 ago. Mine would drink and drive, (open beer between his legs) and lie to me about it. Youngest son is the one who told me it was going on after AH promised he wasn't.
Hope it works out. You are doing the right thing by drawing the line.
My AH has been in AA for 4 years now. I am thankful I don't have to deal with the active drinking anymore.
Hope it works out. You are doing the right thing by drawing the line.
My AH has been in AA for 4 years now. I am thankful I don't have to deal with the active drinking anymore.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Red face seems to be a symptom of drinking. My AH gets red faced when he drinks...He is an Irish redhead, so his face begins to match his head when he drank continuously...this was so apparent that even he noticed it.
Great work on the boundaries, and for not giving into your discomfort by sending that text message. Shows that you mean business. Detachment with love---great start!
Great work on the boundaries, and for not giving into your discomfort by sending that text message. Shows that you mean business. Detachment with love---great start!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I had to do the same thing with my ex b/f when he was around. He and my teen son were really close, and liked to fish and go places together. My son thought I was really mean to say that M. wasn't allowed to take him anywhere in the car any more. But I just couldn't trust M. to tell me when he'd been drinking, so I put a blanket ban on all his driving of anyone in my family, or of him driving any of the cars that I own/insure.
I wasn't going to let anyone ruin my 30-year good driving discount! Why should I get higher rates for his accidents. And of course, why would I jeopardize my son's or my life?
Recently, I found out that my bro-in-law is addicted, and I have instituted the same ban on him taking my son/cars anywhere. I wish I could make that decision for my neice and nephews, and sis too, but sadly, that is not my call. I hope I never have a phone call from them telling me he's crashed with my sis or kids in the car.
KJ
I wasn't going to let anyone ruin my 30-year good driving discount! Why should I get higher rates for his accidents. And of course, why would I jeopardize my son's or my life?
Recently, I found out that my bro-in-law is addicted, and I have instituted the same ban on him taking my son/cars anywhere. I wish I could make that decision for my neice and nephews, and sis too, but sadly, that is not my call. I hope I never have a phone call from them telling me he's crashed with my sis or kids in the car.
KJ
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