Addict's Wife

My husband spent 28 days in rehab between June and July after spending 14 days in the streets drinking and smoking crack. This was the last episode, the longest, and the most costly for him in the last three years since he started again after 8 years clean. I did not want him to come back here because I was too angry and resentful and I warned him but he insisted. And made his promises; which I am not stupid enough to believe. He lost his job of almost four years, sold the SUV which he had just paid off, sold his wedding ring, his cell phone, all of his jewelry, blew $8K in cash and went through $25K in credit cards and spent $25K on rehab that he cannot pay for now and my insurance didn't cover.

Once he got his foot in the door, he canceled the therapy appt. Then he quit going to meetings. Then he quit going to church. He found another job, a better one, got an insurance payment for his truck because he claimed he was robbed, and bought another truck outright. He has started to buy jewelry for himself again while he ignores the creditors. Mind you, we do NOT share any finances or titles other than Mr. and Mrs.: not car insurance policies, the mortgage (mine - I paid), the title to the house (mine) or vehicles (he has two, I have two). I kept it this way when we married because I knew the risks.

As I said, I knew he would get his confidence back once he got a job and a vehicle and money again. He pays for nothing here because I refuse to take it because I am not going to have a lawyer down the road tell me it's his house too and that I should leave. Besides, he wouldn't want to pay - more money to party! Of course, the same selfish verge of relapse behavior has started again too. Why? Because I have emotionally separated from him. I work when he's home, and I'm home when he works. I work a lot of overtime. I stopped cooking, cleaning for him, or helping him with anything. Of course, he said "You don't cook, clean or put out anymore, what kind of wife are you?" I would come home to find he had cooked, cleaned or cut the grass and he has not been satisfied with thanks (he should be doing it anyways - he lives here free!) and he would expect sex from me for "payment". He kept saying "I'm trying to show you I'm sorry by taking care of the house. I have told him over and over that housework is not what I want.

He can't threaten me with drinking or drugs anymore - he tries and I tell him go ahead. So then he threatens me with whores. I tell him "Go ahead, I've already decided in my mind that you have cheated on me so it wouldn't be a surprise. Just don't bring it around here." He has threatened to burn my car and slash my tires. Now he is threatening to "destroy my mind" and he tells me I am crazy and I make **** up.

Narcissistic, histrionic, sociopathic. He supressed this when we dated and for 3.5 years of marriage. Until this last relapse, I still tried and was a wife to him. But when he did this last relapse, and admitted to a counselor that he enjoyed pushing my buttons, making me cry, that it made him feel powerful and in control, I knew he was beyond any help I could see him getting as long as he continues to have me as his partner and his family to enable him.

So now that he sees I don't care anymore, he keeps telling me to file for separation and get it over with. Then he says he's saving three paychecks and moving to Tampa. However, at the age of almost 43, I can tell you he ios full of crap. He is going to stay here and continue to try to wear me down so I will have sex with him, so in his mind he can tell himself everything is ok.

I do not have any little kids; just one who will be 18 next month. If I were renting somewhere, I would have left, but this is my house and I'm not leaving. I bought it with proceeds from a house I bought before we met, and he never paid one cent of a mortgage, tax, insurance or utility payment.

I didn't get married to get divorced. I want him to fix his own life and be the person he was when he was clean and sober. But I have come to accept that it will not happen right now, or maybe never, so I need advice on how to deal with him because he is all talk. He keeps trying to find ways to manipulate me and wear me down so I will have sex with him and I can't. He would rather tell me to divorce him than go to counseling, and this is how I know he is a narcissist because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He keeps saying he was sick, in a hospital, and got better. He also refuses to acknowledge that he always made the choice and he keeps blaming everything else for why he relapsed.

How do you put up with someone when they won't get help or leave you alone?

sailorjohn

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

I didn't post this, someone else did, but I found it very helpful myself. I did boldface certain portions, though.

laurie6781

I don't believe you will like my answer one bit.

I didn't. I made him move out, yes I owned my home also. He tried to fight it.......I got an attorney.

Now there was a time, in my first marriage, where I stayed and stayed and stayed, much much longer than I should have.

With the second one, I had more Respect and Self Worth. I am worth much more than that, and realized there was no reason, none whatsoever, to stay and take verbal abuse, knowing that it could turn to physical abuse at any moment. No he had never been physically abusive, yet, but I wasn't taking any chances.

When you are sick and tired of his **** and can and you will say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH is when you will take action to remove this TOXIC PERSON from your life.

Until then, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

You might try some Alanon meetings, at least 6 different ones to see if Alanon might work for you. There you will get some EXCELLENT face to face support from folks who have been where you are now.

As great as SR is, there is nothing like face to face support.

J M H O

Sending prayers for you and your family.

Love and hugs,

GiveLove

I didn't. I realized that there was no value for me there any more, all I had left was the control and the drama, and that I'd allowed my home, my sanctuary, to become a battlefield.

I asked him to leave. He wouldn't. I sold the house out from under him so I could start fresh.

I got tired of the damage, and changed things. You might consider a sit-down wiht a lawyer to consider a safe way to do the same. Get him out and keep him out, legally.

Not sure what you're getting out of this besides a one-in-a-million hope that he'll turn back into prince charming some day. It's not a partnership. It's not a friendship. It does nothing but nibble at you, day after day, and as the threats escalate your body has to cope with waves of stress that will eventually turn into sickness and disease which you may or may not be able to recover from.

What's in it for you to make all of this worthwhile?

hadenoughnow

I didn't, I threw him out and divorced him. I am not trying to insult you but why do you want to stay married to a sociopathic addict who admits that he enjoys causing you pain?

BTW not taking money from him will not prevent having to share your assets with him.