lk2mvit

Hi...I am new here...I recently broke it off with my bf of 2 1/2 years. He is 39 years old, an alcoholic, unemployed, and a constant womanizer. He has had 7 D.U.I, which now he is a convicted felon and on probabtion for the next 4 years. He has already had one probation violation. I wont' lie I love this man, and him moving out has been horrendous on me. I caught him in 20 indescrestions alone, all of which he says, I made up or I am a jealous B. Everything was always a miscommunication on someone else's part, he was joking, or I assumed the worst. He now says our biggest issue was me not believing in him. I have solid proof on some of these incidences. Anytime I wanted clarification on anything, he got angry and said he has already explained himself, and would leave me frustrated. He always shut down. He was home every night, he cooked, he cleaned, and always told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me, which has made it hard to accept what I know. He could be supportive at times, and even loving. It's like he has 2 lives, one when I am around and one when I wasn't. He spent a month in jail of which I just read those letters of him promising to quit drinking. He spent 6 months on house arrest and about 2 months after that he was drunk, and I started finding whiskey bottles hidden around the house. He lied about drinking, he lied about losing jobs, he lied about women. To this day he says my "feeble" mind made it all up. I am struggling hard. Comprehending all this has been devastating. I want to touch him, hold him, and tell him I love him, but his drinking and other activities have made it almost impossible to have a loving relationship with him. Any advice?

LucyA

Welcome, sorry you're going through this, but


you caught him in 20 indiscretions in 2 and a half years? that can't have been nice for you. That's like an average of 1.5 per month. You're worth more than that.

LucyA

Nooo, that sounds really bad, I mean you're worth better than that. Oh, no, I should shut up tonight, my head isn't with it.

eleanor11

Listen to your head, not your heart.

DSodaNow

You need to put yourself first. Even after I got sober I told my husband that if it was too much for him to deal with I would understand.

He has not been honest with you and he isn't putting you first.

I am sorry you are having to go thru this, but I believe there are better times ahead for you.

Learning how

Welcome, Ik2, You said you "recently broke it off..." sounds like that was a good place to start. I hope you are taking care of your self and have seen your doctor.

I have learned here to believe the actions not the words. So I am thinking that you may have saved yourself from a lot more heartache by getting out now.

prodigal

I know this is somewhere above our forum in our stickies area, but from time to time, I think it is the best response I can give:

My name is Jon. I am an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I would not be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It does not faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that is what addicts do.

AmpHusky

That help put it in perspective prodigal. It hurts and eases the pain at the same time. One hand I feel like crap thinking my XAGF never really loved me because she was an active abuser. On the other, I feel that even though she went on to someone else so quick she is incapable of love with anyone else. Then the last thing a feel is sorrow for her because she can't love someone, and she can't love herself. She just keeps feeding the addiction.

kj3880

A lot of times when addicts and alkies cheat, it isn't even about sex. Active addicts are so screwed up that it could be about getting money to use/getting someone to buy our drinks/drugs, or just getting some attention. Addicts also transfer their addiction to sex quite frequently.Our judgment is impaired too, when we use, so that we do things that don't really make sense, like cheating on a loved partner. Or when you kick us out, we may jump right into a new relationship because we can't stand ourselves enough to ever be alone, and we always need to have someone around to use. After all, who's going to drive us when we are drunk, or pay our bills when we've spent our whole check on crack or whatever? You, or some other sucker. With 6 months clean off pain pills, I now see how pathetic I was when using. I stayed in relationships where I truly didn't care anything about the other person.
I say all this so you can get a little perspective. It isn't personal and it isn't about you. He's hurting now, so he's going to hurt you and use you, too. Save yourself and stay away. I recommend people stay away until the A has at least a year of clean time.
KJ

SlvrMag

I disagree with these words. Even when I was in active addiction I still loved my children and my husband, I did not leave anyone hungry, I did not cheat or steal. Whoever wrote this - speak for yourself.

Freedom1990

I think the most important thing is to really dig deep and ask yourself why you loved this man in the first place, and I'm not talking the surface stuff (cooking, cleaning, etc). Till I was ready to face my codependency issues honestly, I kept making the same mistake over and over with different men.

tiburon88

I agree with u Slvrmag 100%.

denny57

With all due respect to the alcoholics (recovering or not) who post here, I think it's important to keep in mind this board is from the view on the "other side."

I don't know your spouses or significant others (unless they do post here) so I have no idea if they FELT loved. xAH told many people he loved me; told me he loved me; his therapist told me he loved me! I didn't FEEL loved - I felt the booze came first.

As with any reading (and there is something similar to this in Al Anon) it's a take what you like, leave the rest. When I first heard "Understanding Ourselves" in Al Anon I felt enormousl relief - did it all apply to me? No, but knowing someone put words to what I felt I was going through alone meant everything.

LaTeeDa

Denny is spot on.

For me, the value in the "I'm an addict" reading is not in the details of who did what to whom. In fact, if I get stuck on those things, I miss the point. The point is that I took everything my AH did or didn't do personally. I have no doubt he loved me the best way he could. That's not the point. I never went hungry either. That's not the point.

The point is simply that addicts do what addicts do, no matter how much we love them. It has nothing to do with us (the ones who love them). Until I stopped taking it personally, I couldn't comprehend that.

L

Mair

LK welcome. He will never change whilst he's still drinking, he will only stop when he wants to, he may never stop. You deserve so much better. And please trust your instincts.

Read all you can here, many are in the same boat, and we all row together.

Gill

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!


Explain to me what exactly makes this man so lovable?

Not trying to be harsh, a few of the folks here can attest that I've been in a similar situation and if I ever get nostalgic or think that I miss this person I need to ask myself, what exactly makes this person so lovable? The way I allowed them to treat me? How the relationship made me feel about myself? There are several very good posts on the subject of relationships with practicing folks, read them carefully and answer any questions they ask honestly.

Rainbowgirl128

i think dennys post about how this board is "from the other side" is interesting. i have read posts by As and by their friends/family. i feel there is a fundamental difference between the two views. As are writing about themselves and often come across as victims of the disease of addiction. Friends and family on the other hand seem frustrated, mad, and sad by the As choice to keep drinking or using. The issue of choice is interesting. To what extent do addicted people choose to stay active in their addiction? AA talks about acknowledging powerlessness over alcohol, a statement that is in direct conflict with te idea that active addiction is a choice. Thoughts?

LaTeeDa

I used to tie myself up in knots over what was going on in the A's mind. Choice or no choice. Disease or not. Why couldn't he just stop? Did that mean he didn't love me?

What I discovered is none of it matters. Not one little bit. What matters is my choices. Why did I choose to stay with someone who disresepected me, mooched off me financially, refused to grow up and take responsibility, and treated me like dirt? Those were my choices and I finally realized I could choose differently.

L

sailorjohn

Interesting question, my take, ymmv. Being a double winner, have come to realize that you have to treat the active addiction as a choice. Treating it any other way justifies enabling the alcoholic/addict, and everything the various programs teach confirms this fact. Addicts don't get better until they hit a bottom, any enabling on our part merely cushions the fall. I think you may have some confusion over the statement regarding powerlessness. It is only referring to the symptoms of the disease, 'powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable'. They never claim that the alcoholic doesn't have a choice in the question of which path they decide to take.

Rainbowgirl128

True. I think what i am struggling with is that friends/family may think it would be so easy for the A to simply stop drinking/using. Like, "Well if he loved me enough he just wouldnt go to the liquor store/bar." Whereas the addict feels that, because he is psychologically addicted or physically addicted to his DOC, he no longer has that choice to simply not drink/use.