Struggling with my decision

Old 10-04-2008, 11:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Sometimes we are too close and too hurt to always view things objectively.

No advice, it's only you that can make the right decisions for you but turn it about a bit.

What if this was a sister (haven't a clue if you have one) or one of your closest girlfriends that was going through this? What would you consider the best thing for her to do?

They play mind games and do it very well, the unfortunate thing is that we let them. I remember my ex saying on many occassions "I just want to see how far I can push you" seems yours may enjoy that game too! So sorry you've had to go through it, it is painful.
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Old 10-04-2008, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Rainbowgirl128 View Post
Whereas the addict feels that, because he is psychologically addicted or physically addicted to his DOC, he no longer has that choice to simply not drink/use.
First, I have no idea how someone else feels. But my take on it is that there may not be a choice after the using has begun. But to pick up that first drink, that is a choice. And, quite frankly, saying it's not is nothing more than an excuse in my eyes.

These are my own opinions and I am not trying to convince anyone one way or the other. I don't want to rehash the whole disease/choice issue, which has been discussed ad infinitem on this board.

I just have to say again that it doesn't matter. Whether it's a choice or not for someone else, it's definitely my choice if I continue to expose myself to someone else's toxic behavior.

L
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Old 10-04-2008, 12:47 PM
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Welcome I2.
BURN THE LETTERS. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. I myself had two big boxes filled with two years worth of broken promises. He won't change until it is time for him to change. Choice or no choice, don't know, I have never been an addict so I can't speak for one. I can speak for me and tell you where I have been. My x has four dwi's, spent two years in prison and wrote the most beautiful, heartfelt letters. So full of promise, so full of potential. So full of $#/7.

When and if he gets sober is not up to you, it's between him and his HP. Nothing you can do or say will ever change him. I hope I don't sound too harsh but after the last two years of him being out I would not wish what I have experienced on anyone.
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Old 10-04-2008, 01:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Rainbowgirl128 View Post
i think dennys post about how this board is "from the other side" is interesting. i have read posts by As and by their friends/family. i feel there is a fundamental difference between the two views. As are writing about themselves and often come across as victims of the disease of addiction. Friends and family on the other hand seem frustrated, mad, and sad by the As choice to keep drinking or using. The issue of choice is interesting. To what extent do addicted people choose to stay active in their addiction? AA talks about acknowledging powerlessness over alcohol, a statement that is in direct conflict with te idea that active addiction is a choice. Thoughts?
As another "double winner" I am now seeing it from both sides as well

When I am sober "today I have a choice" but when I was in active addiction "I wasn't done until I was done"

I slipped with 3 years in the program. I woke up in the middle of the night, got up, went to the kitchen and poured myself a cognac, knocked it back, and went back to sleep. In the morning I thought it was a dream. The horror of the next year was indescribable, I couldn't stop drinking.
I was going to meetings, raising my hand, reaching out for help, I could NOT stop...I literally couldn't. After a period of time I gave up and just returned to drinking, I figured I would be done when I was done...took 5 years.

After 7 years I drank again, I hadn't been going to meetings, I lived in the middle of nowhere, I made the choice to drink. within a few weeks I was a daily drinker. I was lucky in that in about 6 months I decided it wasn't working, called my friends down south and told them I wanted to quit, I blew off the first weekend, and the second weekend I got a DUI. I got out of jail at 5AM, and it was storming and I was lost. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I thanked God for that even while it was happening, I knew the feelings I was having would keep me away from a drink long enough to get some meetings under my belt.

So I have both the experience of being "powerless" and "making a choice to drink".

Today, I have a choice, but I firmly believe that "you aren't done until you are done." Whether it be trying to stop an addiction, an abusive relationship, a relationship with a practicing alcoholic/drug addict whatever.

It takes what it takes, that's just how that is in my experience.

About Alcoholics Lying, cheating etc. There are a lot of ways to steal, When I was drinking, I didn't steal money from my sig others, but I robbed them of any sort of emotional stability with my behaviors, sleeping with other people, not coming home for days on end, (this was pre 16 years ago btw, before I got sober the first time) I was harmful. I believe there are many ways to "steal", it doesn't have to be money, simply choosing alcohol over my relationship strips somebody of their dignity, their integrity, their peace of mind, abuse isn't just yelling, etc, I firmly believe that lying and many of the addictive behaviors are "abusive" and they can't stop it any more then whatisnames GF could stop herself from pooping on him....I'm not explaining this very well, but I hope you see what I'm saying.

As far as the A's in my Life, they didn't take food out of my life, but they lied. and lied. and lied. and lied.

They lied to themselves so they couldn't help but to lie to me. We are only powerless over that which we give power to, and I gave all my power to my mother and my relationship, and in doing so, was stripped of all my integrity, dignity, peace of mind, and quite frankly, my entire life.

What I mean by that is my mother promised me 30 acres, to let me build my house on that property, and to sign over her restaurant if I would come up and run it for her to support her, my stepfather, my sister, and my niece (going from a healthy 6 figure salary a year to make 16k a year, it wasn't as good a deal as it sounds)

I gave up my home, my friends, my Girlfriend, My business, I gave up my entire life to "rescue" my mother, and spent my "life savings" building the house. I believed her, I believed what she told me. My counselor, many of my friends (sober folk) have been telling me that's my crime, I believed what she told me. I ended up acting out, drinking, and generally turned into a really angry, nasty human being to be around.

After she got what she wanted, ie to retire and get my sister working, "she changed her mind" and when I got angry about it, She kicked me off the property.

As my uncle put it, "yeah Andrew, she stole the car, but the keys were in it" as in I gave her the power to completely ruin my life. She didn't "do" that to me, but I have to say, when I walked away 6 weeks ago, I swore I would never speak to her again. 20 years of "rescuing" her and my junkie sister from their codependent relationship is just too harmful to me.

The sick sad part, is because of my inability to deal with my alcoholic mother, my addicted sister, and my alkie/abused as a child XAGF, my behavior ultimately got harmful to them. I lost the ability to be healthy, I gave it away, by staying in the relationships, situations, whatever, I....just wasn't a very nice person any more. To have an emotional reaction to "abuse" isn't "abuse" and I wasn't "abusive" but I got SO F'd up, I just wasn't a very nice person to be around any more.

So anyway, Active addiction, makes me harmful to be around, and giving my power to practicing alcoholics/junkies makes me homicidal and suicidal and makes me harmful to be around.

Today I choose health, I choose healthy decisions, I choose healthy people to be in my life, and I choose not be in unhealthy relationships ANY MORE.

Anyway...I have no idea if I made any sense, or made my point, my phone keeps ringing so I've lost my train of thought.

Off to work out, see my sponsor, then a bff, then off to a meeting, have a great day everyone.

Last edited by Ago; 10-04-2008 at 01:35 PM.
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Old 10-04-2008, 01:19 PM
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I just read a post in the twelve step forum about how after a certain point the A is powerless to stop. I can see that, I mean if you feel like crap all the time, no one wants to be around you, etc., if you could choose to stop wouldn't you?

Just my thought on the matter but I think if everyone I cared about started treating me like a train wreck because of something I was doing then I would stop doing it if I had the choice to.
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Old 10-04-2008, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Rainbowgirl128 View Post
True. I think what i am struggling with is that friends/family may think it would be so easy for the A to simply stop drinking/using. Like, "Well if he loved me enough he just wouldnt go to the liquor store/bar." Whereas the addict feels that, because he is psychologically addicted or physically addicted to his DOC, he no longer has that choice to simply not drink/use.
Anyone who has read my voluminous number of posts LOL knows I come down on the side of understanding exactly how difficult it must be (is) for an addict to quit. I came to that realization two ways.

I educated myself on alcoholism, addiction and the brain.

I made the decision to change myself and my behaviors and realized just how damm hard it is. I have nothing but absolute respect for an addict who works to recover.

I think a good point is made: the "if you loved me." That is what I had to change in myself. Holding someone else up to my expectations of what they should do to "prove" they loved me, when in reality he was doing all he could at the time. I came to understand it was up to me to make choices that made my life complete - no one else "completes" me, despite what the movies may say.

I agree with LTD - real growth came for me when I stopped looking at the addiction and simply asked myself - am I happy? The answer was no, and I took steps to correct that.
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Old 10-04-2008, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
Anyone who has read my voluminous number of posts LOL knows I come down on the side of understanding exactly how difficult it must be (is) for an addict to quit. I came to that realization two ways.

I educated myself on alcoholism, addiction and the brain.

I made the decision to change myself and my behaviors and realized just how damm hard it is. I have nothing but absolute respect for an addict who works to recover.

I think a good point is made: the "if you loved me." That is what I had to change in myself. Holding someone else up to my expectations of what they should do to "prove" they loved me, when in reality he was doing all he could at the time. I came to understand it was up to me to make choices that made my life complete - no one else "completes" me, despite what the movies may say.

I agree with LTD - real growth came for me when I stopped looking at the addiction and simply asked myself - am I happy? The answer was no, and I took steps to correct that.
Excellent point Denny. That is pretty much how it worked for me, it wasn't a question of if he loved me. I honestly don't think that had anything to do with his addiction. I realized one day that I was so very unhappy and I could not wait and hope for him to change or to make me happy. I had to do it for myself.
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Old 10-04-2008, 01:28 PM
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That does make sense, thanks! I have been on both sides, too. I have alcoholic family members and best friends. I also realized that I was in the early stages of alcoholism during the past couple years and chose to stop drinking. The choice to distance myself from the other As in my life and the choice to stop drinking were equally difficult for me. The healthy choice to put down the beer or leave the addicted significant other is difficult but it is encouraging to know that life does get better. SR is a great place to share our feelings as we struggle with any choice regarding addiction.
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