The "shining" phase
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
The "shining" phase
So we had a discussion lastnight. Told ABF about going to AlAnon earlier in the week and he still doesn't understand why.
"What is this partying you speak of??? i don't go to bars, don't drink hard liquor, don't drive drunk? I don't do drugs...I feel ***** whipped"
While its true that he doesn't really go to bars anymore, he does still drink hard liquor, and does still drive drunk. Every two weeks he has been doing coke, which has stopped for the moment. And I know once he gets a job, he'll be right back at smoking pot and drinking 5,6 or 7 (even up to a half case) of beer a night.
He has been known to do coke and then "take care" of his child. He has been known to lay in bed all morning while I got up to care for his child. I am 31 weeks pregnant and looking to raise my child in a warm, loving, caring safe environment. And it's sad to say, but I think we'd be better without him.
Ah, the shining phase---I haven't been using for 24 hours, so I'm golden. I'm good, look at me! I haven't done anything wrong.
He reminded me that since I've become pregnant I've become "holier than thou".
A That up until I found out about the baby I was doing lines right next to him, drinking my whiskey and going out to bars with him. Which is so true.....
I tried to emphasize to him that that was my choice. I chose not to do those things anymore. That its his choice to do what he wants and that I do not judge him for it, I just don't want to be around it when it happens.
The conversation ended and I went to bed and cried.....again.
I feel completely miserable and lonely. I know that I am unhappy here. I know that my daughter will have a much better life in New York. I know that he will be right back at it again in a few weeks. So why am I still here?
"What is this partying you speak of??? i don't go to bars, don't drink hard liquor, don't drive drunk? I don't do drugs...I feel ***** whipped"
While its true that he doesn't really go to bars anymore, he does still drink hard liquor, and does still drive drunk. Every two weeks he has been doing coke, which has stopped for the moment. And I know once he gets a job, he'll be right back at smoking pot and drinking 5,6 or 7 (even up to a half case) of beer a night.
He has been known to do coke and then "take care" of his child. He has been known to lay in bed all morning while I got up to care for his child. I am 31 weeks pregnant and looking to raise my child in a warm, loving, caring safe environment. And it's sad to say, but I think we'd be better without him.
Ah, the shining phase---I haven't been using for 24 hours, so I'm golden. I'm good, look at me! I haven't done anything wrong.
He reminded me that since I've become pregnant I've become "holier than thou".
A That up until I found out about the baby I was doing lines right next to him, drinking my whiskey and going out to bars with him. Which is so true.....I tried to emphasize to him that that was my choice. I chose not to do those things anymore. That its his choice to do what he wants and that I do not judge him for it, I just don't want to be around it when it happens.
The conversation ended and I went to bed and cried.....again.
I feel completely miserable and lonely. I know that I am unhappy here. I know that my daughter will have a much better life in New York. I know that he will be right back at it again in a few weeks. So why am I still here?
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by orviske 
I tried to emphasize to him that that was my choice. I chose not to do those things anymore. That its his choice to do what he wants and that I do not judge him for it, I just don't want to be around it when it happens.
You said it perfectly right there. It IS your choice!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Just some perspective from someone who's been there. My AH still calls me a hypocrit on a regular basis because I used to "guzzle whiskey straight from the bottle". That was over TWENTY YEARS ago! I quit partying when I was pregnant with my oldest. Not that your situation will turn out the same, but please consider doing your child (and future children) a favor and raise them in a healthy home free from the madness. I'm still trying to figure out why I stayed so long, but I can tell you the leaving part does not get any easier down the road.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I support your decision to decide to get healthy and make healthy decisions for your future and your children, do whatever is necessary to insure the health of those children's future.
One observation though, you write a long post full of "judgments" about your partner then you write "you aren't judging"
Maybe you are, but for me, having a double standard and a "designated patient" in a relationship has never ended up well. If you have some judgement about it, admit it, if you don't want it in your life, stand tall and state your truth, but be honest with yourself, it makes it harder to argue with (from the perspective of a sober alkie that's been the designated patient before)
It's OK to say "I am angry, I don't want this any more", and set boundaries but watch the "double bind" ie saying you don't have judgment then finger pointing.
This is STRICTLY my opinion, I am NOT a trained therapist, and my last relationship with a practicing alkie took a giant dump...so bear that in mind.
One observation though, you write a long post full of "judgments" about your partner then you write "you aren't judging"
Maybe you are, but for me, having a double standard and a "designated patient" in a relationship has never ended up well. If you have some judgement about it, admit it, if you don't want it in your life, stand tall and state your truth, but be honest with yourself, it makes it harder to argue with (from the perspective of a sober alkie that's been the designated patient before)
It's OK to say "I am angry, I don't want this any more", and set boundaries but watch the "double bind" ie saying you don't have judgment then finger pointing.
This is STRICTLY my opinion, I am NOT a trained therapist, and my last relationship with a practicing alkie took a giant dump...so bear that in mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Ago,
I do see your point....and I can see that in my post. It's hard for me, because I know he is trying to clean up his act....it's just hard to believe when it just keeps happening.
Thank you for your respectful constructive criticism.
K
I do see your point....and I can see that in my post. It's hard for me, because I know he is trying to clean up his act....it's just hard to believe when it just keeps happening.
Thank you for your respectful constructive criticism.
K
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I, too, remained stuck for a long time. Not wanting to abandon him as he "struggles to recover." Ultimately, he had no intentions of recovering. He is merely trying to maintain the status quo, which means he uses and I get used.
I, also, was reminded constantly that I tinkled on the parade when I got clean. It is a form of manipulation. If your heart is interfering with your decision making than defer to what the head says...you already know what you need to do, and I think you are gearing towards it.
I promise you when you make the step...EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT...YOU WILL MAKE....YOU CAN DO IT...:praying
I, also, was reminded constantly that I tinkled on the parade when I got clean. It is a form of manipulation. If your heart is interfering with your decision making than defer to what the head says...you already know what you need to do, and I think you are gearing towards it.
I promise you when you make the step...EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT...YOU WILL MAKE....YOU CAN DO IT...:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and your thoughts....
It's hard to make a clear decision with all these hormones.....evne though I know that I am not making this up....this is real, this is my life.
Sometimes when I post I feel like such a whiner. I feel like I'm playing my little violin pitty party parade....
I do know that it helps though...it helps tremendously. To have someone (or several someones for that matter), understand is paramount.
I so often feel completely alone. Now I'm getting told that post partum depression isn't normal in the South.
Someone on the boards told me when the hurt of staying exceeds the hurt of leaving, I'll go.
It's hard to make a clear decision with all these hormones.....evne though I know that I am not making this up....this is real, this is my life.
Sometimes when I post I feel like such a whiner. I feel like I'm playing my little violin pitty party parade....
I do know that it helps though...it helps tremendously. To have someone (or several someones for that matter), understand is paramount.
I so often feel completely alone. Now I'm getting told that post partum depression isn't normal in the South.
Someone on the boards told me when the hurt of staying exceeds the hurt of leaving, I'll go.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I know he is trying to clean up his act....it's just hard to believe when it just keeps happening.
Please think long and hard about raising your child with a MADMAN, because with Addiction we become a MADMAN or MADWOMAN and very toxic to any and all around us.
The fact he is not working, if he is ready, there are treatment places he can go to. Salvation Army has a pretty damn good one, and better yet...............................IT'S FREE.
So, ignore his words and watch his ACTIONS instead. You will get a much clearer picture, that just might help you in implementing whatever decision you make.
J M H O
Sending prayers for you and the baby.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Orviske, I am so happy to read you have Alanon. I wish I had had that support when I was younger and just starting my family.
Alcololism is a progressive disease. It will get worse if left untreated.
I was sooooo sick. I thought when I had my first child my AH would wake up and see what a wonderful thing it is to be a parent, family .... I became a single parent with a husband. He didn't change anything in his life, got mad when I couldn't handle working full time, the house, the child.... my answer TRY HARDER!
Had second child because I always wanted 2 kids. Had the single parent thing down. Most selfish thing I have ever done. I love my boys but I should not have brought them into the insanity. Funny thing is that the first time I fled the home and AH begged us to come back I went back in part because the younger son was crying that he wanted to go home. Older son was crying because we were going back. One of the lowlights of my life.
Alcoholism progressing.... drinking and driving with kids in pickup. Hiding beer all over house, yard... in dog house. I am told I am over reacting and oversensitive, he was not drunk (but he was) I couldn't trust him to ever drive with the boys, I became the beer police.
Told myself can't leave now he will get them on his own, I have to be there to "protect" them. Please see above, as I was doing a bang up job of protecting them.
I guess what you wrote really hit a nerve in me today. Please Please take care of yourself and your baby. Please listen to your gut. I was getting messages but I kept telling myself things like, "its not that bad yet" and "I'll just try harder" and it will get better,or it will stop,or he will understand or BS, BS. Because it doesn't work that way.
The A has to want to stop, for it to stop. My AH stoped drinking 4 years ago. Its not easy, he can still be a dry drunk ... youngest is 17 now.
Just my thoughts but I wish I had known then ..... I was powerless over it all.
Alcololism is a progressive disease. It will get worse if left untreated.
I was sooooo sick. I thought when I had my first child my AH would wake up and see what a wonderful thing it is to be a parent, family .... I became a single parent with a husband. He didn't change anything in his life, got mad when I couldn't handle working full time, the house, the child.... my answer TRY HARDER!
Had second child because I always wanted 2 kids. Had the single parent thing down. Most selfish thing I have ever done. I love my boys but I should not have brought them into the insanity. Funny thing is that the first time I fled the home and AH begged us to come back I went back in part because the younger son was crying that he wanted to go home. Older son was crying because we were going back. One of the lowlights of my life.
Alcoholism progressing.... drinking and driving with kids in pickup. Hiding beer all over house, yard... in dog house. I am told I am over reacting and oversensitive, he was not drunk (but he was) I couldn't trust him to ever drive with the boys, I became the beer police.
Told myself can't leave now he will get them on his own, I have to be there to "protect" them. Please see above, as I was doing a bang up job of protecting them.
I guess what you wrote really hit a nerve in me today. Please Please take care of yourself and your baby. Please listen to your gut. I was getting messages but I kept telling myself things like, "its not that bad yet" and "I'll just try harder" and it will get better,or it will stop,or he will understand or BS, BS. Because it doesn't work that way.
The A has to want to stop, for it to stop. My AH stoped drinking 4 years ago. Its not easy, he can still be a dry drunk ... youngest is 17 now.
Just my thoughts but I wish I had known then ..... I was powerless over it all.
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