Are there any Success Stories

Old 10-02-2008, 01:51 PM
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Are there any Success Stories

Does any one know or have been apart of any success with a RA? Not that I have any intent on going back. I wasn't with her that long, but some of the members here have been. Just want to hear some good things.
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Old 10-02-2008, 01:53 PM
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RA as in "recovering alcoholic"?
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Old 10-02-2008, 02:02 PM
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Yes, I wasn't sure what the Abbrev was, but yeah.
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Old 10-02-2008, 02:28 PM
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I've been married alm ost 35 years and we are very happy- more in love than ever. There have been some bad times and relapses. I don't know which came first but they were always at the same time.

He hasn't had a drink in ...I forget..but at least over 12 years-maybe 15. When he did drink he didn't get drunk. We used to drink a glass of wine with our dinner and he had an occasional beer. I've always hated it whenever he drank even a sip...out of fear. Now he knows that for him, one thing can lead to another when it comes to any mood altering substance...the booze was never that hard for him to leave alone.

His problem was abusing rx drugs that he really does need to take. We have always got along well with each other and despite the obvious life didn't change that much in the early years when he would slip-except that I hated it!

He's more active in AA than ever before, especially after a brief relapse last year. That was a very bad time for me - much worse than with my son when he was active.
btw...My son has been clean almost two and a half years and is very a happily (recently) married.
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Old 10-02-2008, 02:28 PM
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truthfully, by far and away the best relationship I have ever had was with a woman with Long Term Sobriety.

We ended up breaking up because I moved away, and while I won't paint a picture of Ward and June cleaver and blow sunshine up yer A$$ about how perfect it was, it was the best relationship I have ever been a part of.

We had problems, we had difficulties, however, we had TOOLS, we went to couples counseling and therapy early on to get a handle on things when it started to get squirrelly but some of the good things were:

She was STILL, I mean she was VERY still, and she spoke her truth, no lies, no manipulations, no prevarications, and she was gentle, and vulnerable. When something was possibly "modified by her filter" as in if she was triggered or insecure about something, or something was possibly based on her issues and not "reality" she always made that clear.

She knew the rules for "fighting fair" and used them, "I feel" "I think" etc. she never laid her trips on my head. This is your action, this is how it made me feel. period. end of story. no way to argue with that.

She hit HARD, and I mean HARD, when she told the truth, it was HER truth, and there was NO getting around it, however, she was vulnerable, she would expose herself to me...like I have NEVER seen..it was amazing.

What that made me do is learn how to listen, learn how to be still (took her awhile to get warmed up) but it FORCED me to tell the truth, to respect her words, to respect her actions...and it took away all that drama.

By sitting still and walking through our issues, the interesting thing was we were always coming from the same place, however our "acting out" about it looked completely different, I reacted to abandonment by going to a meeting and staying out till 2-3 AM with my friends, whereas she acted completely different, (Mars Venus anyone?) but when we had a "sit down" about it...true healing took place.

Anyway, yes...RA's can be wonderful partners, but they can also be the worse partners in the world, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and place a little knowledge into the hands of someone who is NOT recovered (hasn't worked the 12 steps and done TONS of work on themselves) and you have the relationship equivalent of a bank robber with a gun they are not afraid to use.

That includes me by the way, I have been a TERROR armed with a little knowledge, give a manipulator tools to manipulate someone with without the necessary maturity, self love and recovery and LOOK OUT!

My last relationship took a HUGE nosedive when she decided to get sober and started attending meetings, all of the sudden she was taking my inventory, manipulating the jargon, giving me "helpful advice" etc (note: I called a buddy and was b1tching to him and he was all, "hmmm, what's she got? 11 days? and she knows it all now and is telling you how to work your program? She's right on schedule!!!" and was convulsed with peals and gales laughter at my discomfiture.

My relationship when I first got sober 16 years ago also took a nosedive when she started attending Coda...the dynamics of the relationship just got crazy. We ended up staying together for another 6 years off and on, but between the two of us...oof, we were like children playing with guns.

So be careful, I'd not recommend anyone less then 5 years, or I should say, anyone I ever dated with less then 5 years ended poorly, but yes, recovering alcoholics that work a program can be wonderful life partners, and THAT is my experience, the truth is I don't even want to date anyone that DOESN'T have/work a program, it seems with the women I pick outside the program, the truth is optional and variable, accountability is non-existent, impact of actions on each other is a foreign language, manipulation is normal...It goes on and on, I'm not saying all normies are like that, but the ones I pick are. That's fine, but for me, I don't handle that very well, I need accountability, I can't have dishonesty, manipulation etc. I realize I hold my partner up to a higher standard then I do people not so close to me, but I get Ill when I'm in a relationship with those aspects, I never learned the tools to deal with that.

When I was in my last relationship, with the practicing Alkie, I was calling a LOT of program people but one of the people I called was my XRAGF and she was VERY helpful, I would begin by telling on myself, my behaviors, my acting out etc. I wasn't looking for someone to cosign my BullShyte and one thing she said over and over to me was " Andrew, I KNOW what you look like in a relationship, and I have a pretty good working knowledge of ALL your character defects, but when you are treated with Love, Honesty, and Integrity you respond in kind"

Anyway....I rest my case, my best friend is an XRAGF....they can be good people.
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Old 10-02-2008, 02:48 PM
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My mother has a best friend who's husband was a really bad alcoholic. He drank for many many moons. I think up until he was around 60 and Mary went to church faithfully and prayed for her husband. One day her husband decided to go and low and behold he accepted Christ into his heart and from that day forward he lead a sober and happy life. His funeral was one of the biggest I had ever been to. Everyone had kinds words to speak about him. Though he had 15 or so years of sobriety it was well worth the wait. He became a peacher. So it can happen and it can have a happy ending.
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:08 PM
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My AH was sober for 20 years and we were very happy. He became very successful in his job and seemed to love it. We had 2 boys and I thought we had everything; he also says we did. Then boom he thought he could have just 1 Jack Daniels and it all went away. That was 3 years ago and I did everything I could in hopes that we could stay together but when I found out he was cheating I had to divorce him. Now he is close to losing his career, he has been in trouble with the police, and never calls our children. I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I did everything I could but I cannot save him. We still talk and he knows I will always love him but he knows my boundaries and the woman at the liquor store that he is sleeping with apparently doesn't have any. Oops I do slide back from time to time. :brick
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:34 PM
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There are indeed. My friend at work has been married since the day they were born. Her spouse has been sober for fifteen years. Happily ever after? Uh no, they have thier struggles and problems but they love and respect each other and are very much each other's best friend.

My friend/support/father figure sober for twenty five years. He had a relapse when his first wife passed away. He is now completely sober and again happily married to the mother of his only child.

Yes there are happy endings. Sometimes that happy ending means you and that person find a way. Sometimes it means you find your own way; either way we all deserve a happy ending and we will have one if we want one.
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