One more day.....
 

It's amazing to me how much I can actually detach these days. I know that I am a strong woman, and that I have been through alot. I am surprised, though by just how much strength I have.

I was just starting to enjoy myself in the chat room lastnight, when ABF comes in the room. He asked what I was doing, and I replied that I was "catching up with some friends". Then I asked why....my first mistake.

He said "you're always asking what I'm doing, who I'm talking to...etc, etc."

I asked why he was starting in on me. He said he wasn't.

He was in a foul mood. He had 4 tall boys again lastnight and I could tell he had a buzz going. He left the room saying he wanted beer, he wanted a really good joint, he wanted some good food. He wanted money.

He is unemployed, and we have 300 for the both of us until I get paid, which is two weeks from now. Giving him money is useless. I gave him 60 bucks on Saturday which was supposed to last for the week. It was all gone. Yesterday was Wednesday. How is it that I can not spend ANY money? I haven't spent a dime this week for myself.

He went to bed angry, didn't give me a kiss goodnight.....just rolled over and went to sleep. I don't know what I really want from him....but I guess affection is one of those things he just can't give to me right now. He'll certainly soak it up though. Many nights I lay there, just touching him....and he apparently enjoys it so much that he can't return the favor. Pregnant women need love too.

My mother said if I'm not getting what I want out of a relationship what's the point? So in addition to our financial difficulties, his addiction, his alcoholism I can now add emotional issues to the list of problems in our relationship.

I know a man is so vulnerable when he's out of a job, but why on earth does he take it out on me? Furthermore, why does he take EVERYTHING out on me?

I am slowly but surely getting very tired of this life I lead. I'm tired of the lies, tired of the blame....tired of not having any money because he's out of a job again. I wouldn't be surprised if my child is born with wings and just flies right on back up to heaven. I would rather get in my bed alone every night.......it wouldn't be much different than now.

thanks for the vent,

K

K,

Maybe you're tired of providing all the money, all the affection, all the strength in this relationship and getting precisely jack in return.

Maybe you want your child to have a better start than that.

For what it's worth, I think your mom is right. There seems to be nothing in this relationship - even before he wasn't working - that feeds you in the way you deserve. There IS someone out there who will accept the love & tenderness you offer and give it back to you many times over.....probably lots of someones.....but you will never meet them as long as you settle for this mediocre, one-sided relationship.

I could not have known the joy I would find when I finally took a deep breath and left my XABF behind, and found that there were people out here who are nothing like him. I mourn the years I spent deliberating about it.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and have faith that taking action will result in a better future for you & your baby.

GL

P.S. Not to scare you, but I've seen women miscarry from the stress of bad relationships, and it's eerie, almost like you said -- like the baby could see what it was about to be born into, and said, "Uhhh, no thanks, I'll come back later when I have a better chance in life." It is sad as hell, but (in my niece's case for example) later on she was able to have a strong, healthy son, when the conditions weren't so dangerous for him. It's like he knew it was okay to come then. Take care of the two of you!!!!:Val004:

GL

Thank you so much for your reply. I look forward to when you do! I can tell you have much wisdom, thank you so much for sharing it!

I am very in tune with my body and my baby....and have been trying very hard to take care of us----even if its something as small as a cup of hot cocoa after a long night at work, or just some really good food (I think that was one of your suggestions earlier this week).

Tonight is Thursday---and I'm reinstating an old tradition---Bath night.

I know my baby can sense my sadness....she often kicks when I start to cry as if to say "I'm here mommy, I love you....don't be sad....why are you so sad??" I like you believe that the unborn can sense things....luckily I think mine is full of pi%* and vinegar like me and just won't give up.

I am doing everything I can to prepare to leave here within 24 hours if I need to, in addition to preparing for a new life in 8 weeks. I don't know why I'm procrastinating...concrete boots I guess. That and good free health care.

You know what's funny? When I met him one of his slogans was "never settle". He said that I settled far to often in my life. Kind of ironic, don't you think?

Thanks again for sharing your love, light and wisdom,

K

Hugs to you, K.

Oooh, Bath Night. I would LOVE to have a tradition like that.......hmmmm.....

im with you, anytime im sad my baby starts kicking, or if i feel alone i usually get a really strong kick, thats like hey what am i chopped liver lol

im surprised i didnt miscarry this one also with all the stress ive been under, so i know hes meant to be here and theres a reason hes coming into my life, hes what will save me from my codependant ways, i dont want his alcoholic father to ever get the chance to hurt him or make him like he is

(((hugs)))....

I know exactly how you feel....

I never spent a dime on myself. My AH was always in and out of work. Each stint longer than the last. Finally, he filed for social security (which is still pending). No amount of money was ever enough. I was constantly fretting how on earth I was going to pay all the bills, including ones that he created, AND provide him with cash to survive. I, too, had the same rational: "A man needs money in his pocket, and it demasculizes them when they don't have a job."

It was never enough...when we split our marital assets prior to our separation...my AH receive $10,000. 6 weeks and it was gone. Not once did he buy groceries, pay a bill, or contribute in anyway. It all went outside the marriage: to booze, to drugs, to tattoos, to partying with the OW.

Nevermind his problems, and his depression, and in the end his fingerpointing...the financial burden alone is exhausting. I found myself accepting more and more crap he was handing me...out all night...pigstye of a house....sleeping all day while I slaved my rear end off...the other woman constantly calling my house...moodswings...lack of affection....holier than thou attitudes...suicide attempts...and on and on it went...each day worse than the last.... I was so tired too...It literally consumed every dimension of my life.

The AH has been gone a month now, and today is the first time that I actually woke up and felt a little better. I realized I could breathe today. When was the last time you could take a breathe and not feel that tightness in your chest and the weight of the world on your shoulders? I am not going to tell you that I just shrugged off the pain of losing a relationship and my partner. I am not going to tell you that it is easy...but I am realizing for my serenity, it is worth it. It really is worth it...and even though I have my bad days, I would not have done it any other way.

Sounds like you have an amazing kiddo on the way. Try to put your peace and serenity and the little one's too, and think about what would make you both better off. Give you and your child the life you deserve...some people can only be loved by a far...this may mean separate households...sometime, I can only love my husband through prayer for him and leaving him to God...

You are right....you don't need it...

AMEN!!

AMEN!!!!! Anvil. You hit the nail on the head. This child and his/her mommy are the only 2 people in your relationship that are important right now, Orviske. Even if only for awhile until you get back on your feet after the baby is born right now you need a place to live that is as stress free as possible and if you have somewhere to go, if it were me, I would run there as fast as I could. When I was pregnant with both my boys, I wish someone had given me this advice, my life would have so much more calm while all my hormones were on overdrive from the pregnancy.

Good luck and keep posting, we all care about your welfare as well as that baby.
Barb