I am so wishy-washy....
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I am so wishy-washy....
I hate that I am so wishy-washy.
Lately, the AH has been calling...more than once a day, at work, on the cell, and at home. I have been taking his calls. He constantly asks if he can come home. I reply to the question with a question: are you trying recovery? Have you been to AA? Then I say, "we can't even begin to discuss fixing the marriage." Every day, he also needs something from his stuff, some of which is still at my house. I have a hard time letting it go, and I have a hard time dealing with seeing him.
This morning, since we share a cell phone service, which is under my name, he calls to ask if I will change the phone number--something which only I can do. He wants to loose the OW, and she won't stop calling him. When I said I would do that, but if I found that he gives it to her then I will be highly ticked. He said, "I am trying to work on saving my marriage..." I don't say anything. He also said he is going to AA starting today...I don't say anything.
The bottom line is: I love this man. I hate that this has happened. However, I am too tired emotionally and physically to handle the drama that comes with him. Not just his drinking, but his financial situation, his back child support, his inability to travel, his personal demons, his depression, and on and on. Even if he goes into recovery and stabilizes himself, I don't have the energy to go on. BUT I never tell him this. I am wishy washy.
I constantly find myself doing this in a lot of my relationships concerning men. Actually I find this in a lot of areas of my life. I modify myself to fit their personality or their situation. Then when they treat me in the manner in which I portray myself, I feel awful about myself and hurt that I have been used. I end up compromising my morals, my values, my goals, and everything else. And I never open my mouth and speak up...wishy washy.
Has anyone else felt this way? How have you conquered? Any advice for the meantime?
Thanks family.
Lately, the AH has been calling...more than once a day, at work, on the cell, and at home. I have been taking his calls. He constantly asks if he can come home. I reply to the question with a question: are you trying recovery? Have you been to AA? Then I say, "we can't even begin to discuss fixing the marriage." Every day, he also needs something from his stuff, some of which is still at my house. I have a hard time letting it go, and I have a hard time dealing with seeing him.
This morning, since we share a cell phone service, which is under my name, he calls to ask if I will change the phone number--something which only I can do. He wants to loose the OW, and she won't stop calling him. When I said I would do that, but if I found that he gives it to her then I will be highly ticked. He said, "I am trying to work on saving my marriage..." I don't say anything. He also said he is going to AA starting today...I don't say anything.
The bottom line is: I love this man. I hate that this has happened. However, I am too tired emotionally and physically to handle the drama that comes with him. Not just his drinking, but his financial situation, his back child support, his inability to travel, his personal demons, his depression, and on and on. Even if he goes into recovery and stabilizes himself, I don't have the energy to go on. BUT I never tell him this. I am wishy washy.
I constantly find myself doing this in a lot of my relationships concerning men. Actually I find this in a lot of areas of my life. I modify myself to fit their personality or their situation. Then when they treat me in the manner in which I portray myself, I feel awful about myself and hurt that I have been used. I end up compromising my morals, my values, my goals, and everything else. And I never open my mouth and speak up...wishy washy.
Has anyone else felt this way? How have you conquered? Any advice for the meantime?
Thanks family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 39
Don't look at it as being "wishy washy." I would try look at it as someone who really wants help and wants to fix themselves. You just have to be absolutely sure he follows through on absolutely everything he says he's going to do. Don't accept anything less than that. If he doesn't follow through, then he's not ready to fix himself yet.
I wish you well!
From Chickenlady :ghug2
I wish you well!
From Chickenlady :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I don't see you being wishy-washy, SB. You're just not ready to let go...and THAT'S OKAY. You don't have to do it all at once. The fact is that you canNOT live with him as he is and for him to be worthy of living with, he's got ALOT of work to do.
I am missing my AH today (and that doesn't stand for alcoholic husband at this very moment!
). I know that I still care for him and I accept that. I will likely always care for him but that doesn't mean I have to accept unacceptable behavior. With my AH, I am unable to set boundaries because he won't be my beyotch - his words.
Maybe you can start by only taking calls at work since you have to answer the phone there, and then start taking fewer calls. You need to have a life too and he needs to understand that you have a job and school to study for. He can't interrupt at his whim. Ya know, SB....how many nights was he out with the OW and he could have chosen to spend his time with you? How many times was a bottle of booze more important than you? It irks me when I think about it. As soon as my AH would stop drinking, he expected me to fulfill all his needs...like I'm not a mother, daughter, friend, sister, cousin, employee, human f'in being, aside from being his wife. I cannot complete my AH...he needs to fill that void himself.
(((((((((( big hugs )))))))))))))
You are such a compassionate, caring woman. Be kind to YOU.
Much love,
Sunny
I am missing my AH today (and that doesn't stand for alcoholic husband at this very moment!
). I know that I still care for him and I accept that. I will likely always care for him but that doesn't mean I have to accept unacceptable behavior. With my AH, I am unable to set boundaries because he won't be my beyotch - his words. Maybe you can start by only taking calls at work since you have to answer the phone there, and then start taking fewer calls. You need to have a life too and he needs to understand that you have a job and school to study for. He can't interrupt at his whim. Ya know, SB....how many nights was he out with the OW and he could have chosen to spend his time with you? How many times was a bottle of booze more important than you? It irks me when I think about it. As soon as my AH would stop drinking, he expected me to fulfill all his needs...like I'm not a mother, daughter, friend, sister, cousin, employee, human f'in being, aside from being his wife. I cannot complete my AH...he needs to fill that void himself.
(((((((((( big hugs )))))))))))))
You are such a compassionate, caring woman. Be kind to YOU.
Much love,
Sunny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Totally different perspective here, which may or may not apply to you, but was a giant AHA for me.
I had a desperate need to be needed. I found my self-worth in the form of how much other people needed me, admired me, depended on me. It set up a totally dysfunctional relationship with my A where the roles were more like parent/child than husband/wife. This was not an easy thing to come to grips with, because it required me to look at my role in the dynamic and realize how unhealthy my reactions to him were. I had to give up the role of all-knowing dependable one, and let him fall. It was difficult, not only because I love him, but because I had to admit to myself that I could not make him love me the way I wanted him to simply by being there and taking care of him. I don't know if I've expressed myself very clearly here, but the bottom line is looking at what you are getting out of the situation. What is the payoff? When I had trouble letting go, I was getting something out of hanging on. What are you getting?
Do you have a therapist, SB? I credit mine with changing the entire way I look at the world--for the better.
L
I had a desperate need to be needed. I found my self-worth in the form of how much other people needed me, admired me, depended on me. It set up a totally dysfunctional relationship with my A where the roles were more like parent/child than husband/wife. This was not an easy thing to come to grips with, because it required me to look at my role in the dynamic and realize how unhealthy my reactions to him were. I had to give up the role of all-knowing dependable one, and let him fall. It was difficult, not only because I love him, but because I had to admit to myself that I could not make him love me the way I wanted him to simply by being there and taking care of him. I don't know if I've expressed myself very clearly here, but the bottom line is looking at what you are getting out of the situation. What is the payoff? When I had trouble letting go, I was getting something out of hanging on. What are you getting?
Do you have a therapist, SB? I credit mine with changing the entire way I look at the world--for the better.
L
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Do you have a therapist, SB? I credit mine with changing the entire way I look at the world--for the better.
L
L
My long term therapist who I was seeing for 16 years, up and moved North. She told me that she was going to keep in contact, but last time we spoke seemed to blow me off...which hurt.
I am not sure what the pay off is? I would have to examine my motives more. I guess I have a problem with telling people difficult things. I don't like confrontation. I also don't like to disappoint people. I want people to like me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
I am not sure what the pay off is? I would have to examine my motives more. I guess I have a problem with telling people difficult things. I don't like confrontation. I also don't like to disappoint people. I want people to like me.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I think it's a pretty common thing to dislike confrontation, SB.
The only way I could learn "constructive confrontation" is by taking tiny little steps. I'm still not good at it, but I'm a lot better than I was.
Have you thought about asking him to get his own phone? Maybe paying for it for a set period and making it clear that it's his responsibility after that? Or getting your own, separate from his? Do you really want to be connected to his chaos any more?
Maybe that's your "doing one thing differently" for the week. I picture you receiving these calls from his OW, from people after him for child support, other things you didn't create, you can't change -- HIS choices -- and it just doesn't seem right.
Anyway....maybe choose one small thing and do it. That's how I got to where I can now say, "No, that's not what's best for me. I love you, but no."
Hugs,
GL
The only way I could learn "constructive confrontation" is by taking tiny little steps. I'm still not good at it, but I'm a lot better than I was.
Have you thought about asking him to get his own phone? Maybe paying for it for a set period and making it clear that it's his responsibility after that? Or getting your own, separate from his? Do you really want to be connected to his chaos any more?
Maybe that's your "doing one thing differently" for the week. I picture you receiving these calls from his OW, from people after him for child support, other things you didn't create, you can't change -- HIS choices -- and it just doesn't seem right.
Anyway....maybe choose one small thing and do it. That's how I got to where I can now say, "No, that's not what's best for me. I love you, but no."
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I highly recommend therapy, too. Along with Al Anon, it helped me see my worth as a person.
Today, I would not change my phone number so that my husband's mistress couldn't reach him. It amazes me today that I did such things and still said "I love him."
Take good care of you, Silverberry - that's my suggestion. ((( )))
Today, I would not change my phone number so that my husband's mistress couldn't reach him. It amazes me today that I did such things and still said "I love him."
Take good care of you, Silverberry - that's my suggestion. ((( )))
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Let me share my experience. Even the phone they try to grasp ahold of like a life jacket to have contact.......any contact.
For the last several days I have no answered the phone and every excuse he leaves for me to call him back I just laugh and delete the call. I'm not his momma. I have three children I need to take care of, not him.
He's used the "I'm quitting my job and coming home" so I think well then.......his dumb fault.
Or "I need to find out what's going on with my truck" ummmmm it's his truck.
Or "Could you please talk to me I need to talk to the kids"...he should have thought about that when he blew them off two weekends in a row.
Or "I need your brothers number, I have work for him"......to bad.
Then. "I called your brother I guess he's coming up next week".......oh that's ironic.....I thought he was quitting his job and didn't have his number.
Wwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Let him wonder what I am doing. Let him realize he doesn't have control. Let him realize that I don't HAVE to be there. Let him realize he can make HIS own choices. I'm off of this ride, he's on it by himself.
I know he thinks there is someone else and there might be........let him wonder........I'll never tell.
For the last several days I have no answered the phone and every excuse he leaves for me to call him back I just laugh and delete the call. I'm not his momma. I have three children I need to take care of, not him.
He's used the "I'm quitting my job and coming home" so I think well then.......his dumb fault.
Or "I need to find out what's going on with my truck" ummmmm it's his truck.
Or "Could you please talk to me I need to talk to the kids"...he should have thought about that when he blew them off two weekends in a row.
Or "I need your brothers number, I have work for him"......to bad.
Then. "I called your brother I guess he's coming up next week".......oh that's ironic.....I thought he was quitting his job and didn't have his number.
WwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhLet him wonder what I am doing. Let him realize he doesn't have control. Let him realize that I don't HAVE to be there. Let him realize he can make HIS own choices. I'm off of this ride, he's on it by himself.
I know he thinks there is someone else and there might be........let him wonder........I'll never tell.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 7
Can't tell you all how much all of what I am reading is helping me. I'm not crazy? I do feel numb, and very alone. But I am beginning to see that I am in a dysfunctional relationship. I have been very slow realizing this. I hope I start to learn faster.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Hi tortoise!
I know what you mean about being slow to realise that the way you are living is NOT 'normal'! My AH had me convinced I was going crazy...
Anyway, I'm glad you found this site - it has helped me enormously. Take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. They will help you realise that no, you're not alone. I found it really spooky how many posts others have written that reflect my own situation!
If you can get a copy, I'd also recommend reading Co-dependant No More by Melody Beattie. This book really helped me look at things differently.
You should start a new thread and introduce yourself properly and let everyone greet you - welcome in!
I know what you mean about being slow to realise that the way you are living is NOT 'normal'! My AH had me convinced I was going crazy...
Anyway, I'm glad you found this site - it has helped me enormously. Take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. They will help you realise that no, you're not alone. I found it really spooky how many posts others have written that reflect my own situation!
If you can get a copy, I'd also recommend reading Co-dependant No More by Melody Beattie. This book really helped me look at things differently.
You should start a new thread and introduce yourself properly and let everyone greet you - welcome in!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Silver, I am experiencing the same feelings right now. I also agree with what LaTeeDa has said about my "needing to be needed" and the "parent/child role" vs the partner role are not good for us. I am notorious for doing the same thing thing in my relationships.
I have told my XABF that I am not his girlfriend anymore but he still thinks there is a chance. I am also too wishy-washy to come right and and say NO WAY. I still love him too, despite the miserable life I was living with him. He also has too many obstacles to deal with in his life, besides the alcohol, and I don't know if he will EVER get it together. It would take a whole lot of work that IMHO he will not follow through with.......child support, past due bills, irresponsibility, personal demons, depression, etc. Much like yours is facing. I just don't want to deal with all of that crap anymore. I have had my fill.
The only thing that is helping ME and MY recovery right now is continuing to take one day at a time and doing a lot of praying. I have my good days and bad/emotional days, but overall, I feel much better than I did a few months ago. I still have a very long way to go though. One thing that continues to help me is re-reading my list of things I hated about him and our relationship together. A list of ALL the disappointments I had because of his drinking. Might help you to refresh your memory of your reasons for the split-up. Only a thought.
Best wishes to you
I have told my XABF that I am not his girlfriend anymore but he still thinks there is a chance. I am also too wishy-washy to come right and and say NO WAY. I still love him too, despite the miserable life I was living with him. He also has too many obstacles to deal with in his life, besides the alcohol, and I don't know if he will EVER get it together. It would take a whole lot of work that IMHO he will not follow through with.......child support, past due bills, irresponsibility, personal demons, depression, etc. Much like yours is facing. I just don't want to deal with all of that crap anymore. I have had my fill.
The only thing that is helping ME and MY recovery right now is continuing to take one day at a time and doing a lot of praying. I have my good days and bad/emotional days, but overall, I feel much better than I did a few months ago. I still have a very long way to go though. One thing that continues to help me is re-reading my list of things I hated about him and our relationship together. A list of ALL the disappointments I had because of his drinking. Might help you to refresh your memory of your reasons for the split-up. Only a thought.
Best wishes to you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I still love him too, despite the miserable life I was living with him. He also has too many obstacles to deal with in his life, besides the alcohol, and I don't know if he will EVER get it together. It would take a whole lot of work that IMHO he will not follow through with.......
One thing that continues to help me is re-reading my list of things I hated about him and our relationship together. A list of ALL the disappointments I had because of his drinking.
Doing this is extremely painful and difficult. It is a thoroughly unpleasant experience to bring all of this to the surface and DEAL WITH IT. But I continue on knowing I'll be better for it in the end.
All in all, it has also helped me understand why it is so difficult for the alcoholic to change, i.e. stop drinking. It's extremely comfortable to stay right where I was emotionally.
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