Lilyflower

Like Queenteree did, you can lock the door. I personally had made it so obvious in every way possible that I did not want him around me, that he took the hint and did not bother me.

If boundaries are continuously ignored, there has to be a 'what then'? For me the 'what then?' was for him to go.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

Lily, coyote, too much, La Tee Da, prodigal, Ago and everyone else. You are so much further down the path and I appreciate your insights. I understand whats happening, and I understand how it all works. What I've been doing is intellectualizing the problem. It's a defense mechanism. I don't want to face the facts of the matter. My marriage is a hollow shell of enabling and appeasement.

I'm not happy. I'm apprehensive of accepting more pain to get to a better place. (Especially since I don't know if there is a better place). I want lots of things that are simply not practical. I cannot rescue my wife. I cannot rescue my family. The only person I can preserve is myself. I know all this, and yet I'm dragging my feet trying the same things over and over in the hope that maybe, just maybe, it might work this time.

Its not going to work. She is responsible for herself.

Redd

respektingme

Redd,

If your marriage and love for each other is meant to be, unless she drinks herself down the drain, you two can reunite somewhere down the road. I doubt once you get untangled from all the insanity that you'd want to put yourself in that position again, but you might have an easier time dealing with it all if you didn't view the changes that you are making as a giant leap into predestined eternal hell. You might actually be much happier living in your own place.

You don't have kids with her, right? Makes you even more attractive to the dating community. You can heal from this. But your wounds are going to keep festering until you get the scab off and let some fresh air in to help your wounds heal. I don't mean to say your wife is a scab, but metaphorically, her behavior is the scab that is preventing you from healing and enjoying life. Try filling your mind with images of what could be. You could find someone who doesn't have a drinking problem. Imagine that she might actually be able to stay awake until 10pm with you, not keep you up all night, and you might not have to seduce her just to get her to shut up. You might be able to leave this woman alone in the house and not have to worry that she's going to burn it to the ground. This new woman may actually have respect for you. Wouldn't that be nice? She might have nice things to say to you. And she might actually be so in to you that she doesn't have her ex on speed dial.

You might actually be able to have a romantic dinner with her and a few glasses of wine. And she might not swallow the whole bottle and throw it at you. Can you even imagine that? Can you even begin to allow yourself to imagine what a relationship might be like between two people who admire and respect each other? Seems odd, doesn't it? Perhaps you could fill your mind with more thoughts of what could be rather than trying to pretend what you are leaving isn't so bad. You can't dwell on her behavior forever.

Reddmax

Thanks respeckting me....

Half the time my future looks bright, the other half it looks dim..... I'm just struggling with how to do what I need to do to get my life back on track. I know a storm is coming.. hopefully experiencing it won't be as bad as anticipating it.

Redd

ToughChoices

I've been there, Redd.

No doubt about it, there is a better place.

Looking back, the temporary pain that resulted from making the difficult changes necessary for my well-being was NOTHING in comparison to the pain of banging my head against the wall for months, hoping and wishing and wanting.

The misery of embarrassment and the chronic, crippling self-doubt that perpetually plagued me are gone. Hard as it was to stand up to my AH, my life is better now. And, as an added benefit, I actually have renewed hope in his ability to find sobriety.

Hope. Not need. Not desperation. Just hope. Just optimism that a person I love will find the strength to make healthy choices for himself.

When I take care of myself, I find that the world is brighter - that I can empathize with the pain that the alcoholic must feel and view him/her with compassion instead of disappointment and anger.

I can be at peace. You can, too.

You're in my thoughts today, Redd.
-TC

Lilyflower

Redd, I know how terrifying the jump can be, it is like entering into a dark hole that you cannot see the bottom of, will I be ok, can I support myself, will the finances be alright, will she/he hate me, will they understand, will they know I am not just abandoning them, can we patch things up later, how will people respond, will there be a fight, do they know I still love them? willthey go peacefully and on and on..

these were just some of the thought that passed around my head in the months before I took the leap of faith, and it was a leap of faith, I was afraid and sad and lonely.

Read my posts from back then; from the day I made that decision, through to the day he left.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-feelings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-again-2.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-reality.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-has-gone.html

It is a hard process and we all get there when we get there. I hope from reading these posts (the re reading of brought me to tears) and comparing them to how I am now, you will see that life really does turn around for us, and there can be a brighter tomorrow.

Keep the faith Redd xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

respektingme

Redd,

I'm a healthy person, but have had more than my share of surgeries. Some were emergency surgeries and some were planned. The ones that were planned were the absolute worst. And it wasn't the actual surgeries that made them so bad. It was the opportunity for my mind to race for weeks prior to the surgeries.

To date, very little bad that has happened in my life wound up being AS bad as I imagined it would be. And when you live in constant dread, constant anxiety and fear, eventually you'll get sick of it. You'll be ready to trade that in for anything. I wasn't nervous at all before my last surgery. I already knew how much I hated the anxiety. I decided I'd just make the best out of whatever happened, but I was through freaking out about it.

I think the same will happen to you. You'll eventually be willing to trade in the fear and anxiety for something..... anything that will just get it over with.