Diary of a Mad Woman part 2 Why do you stay?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Diary of a Mad Woman part 2 Why do you stay?
The answer is different for everyone really. We all had or have our reasons for staying. When you tell someone you left your partner because they are an alcoholic even when it is unspoken the question is still there. Why do you stay, why put up with that?
What do you say, really? I believed in my partner, I thought my partner loved me enough to change, I thought I gave my partner enough love that they would want to change. I thought my partner would/will see how good life can be without the addiction and with real love. "He/She has had such a hard life"; "That is how they were raised, they don't know any better. I can show them how much better it can be." "We have children together"; "I made a vow." "He/she can't live without me". And so on and so on. Do any of these sound familiar?
I fell in love with someone who was completely different from anyone I had ever known, at first. He was outgoing, funny, completely devoted even when being an outrageous flirt. You could see it in his eyes; he adored me in a way I had never known before. I was the girl with a tongue sharper than a sword and an exterior like a rock. No matter how many times I pushed him away he wouldn't take no for an answer. He showered me with affection and spoiled me to no end. There came a point in the relationship where I knew I was not ready to move forward and take the next step. I knew Iain my heart of hearts that I was making a mistake but I was so completely in love with what might be and what could be I didn't walk away. The red flags had been up from day one and the warning sirens ringing but I loved the image I had of this man so much I could not walk away.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple; even my best friend never thought it was "that bad". I was an expert at covering and lying to protect myself from the truth. At some point he had to see what he was doing to himself, to us. At some point he had to believe what we portrayed to the rest of the world, that we were a successful couple who had made it work not just in our careers but in our lives.
I believed in the idea of him, not the reality. The reality was a man who got up at three in the morning because he needed a drink. The reality was that before he went to get a drink he would find odd places in our home to urinate if he was not stopped. The reality was if he was stopped he would get violent. The reality was when I took his keys and check card so he could not drive us further into overdrawn he almost killed me in front of my daughter.
If you love an alcoholic you need to know your love cannot change the alcoholic. This is something they can only do for themselves. Do not deceive yourself into thinking you can force the alcoholic to change. You can't. You must take off the rose colored glasses and leave behind the denial and shame. If you tell me you have never been ashamed of your alcoholic partner I will call you a liar. Your alcoholic partner will never be what you imagine or want that person to be.
Recovery takes a toll on relationships. If you have been there as I was you know this to be true. The alcoholic must take steps and do things that have nothing to do with you and that at times will leave you feeling and wishing they were still drinking as at least then you knew what to expect.
If my alcoholic partner is going to meetings and in recovery why is my partner never around? Why do meetings last four hours when I thought they only lasted one? The partner may tell you that they went for coffee with the group. I know from my own experience with my partner that the "meeting after the meeting" was crucial to his recovery.
You might think that well, now that my partner is not drinking things will change for the better. DON'T BET ON IT. His or her recovery will bring things to the surface that they have tried to avoid for years if not decades.
It will not be easy for them and with most couples you had problems that did not just pertain to alcohol abuse but the abuse certainly contributed. These problems will not go away and in fact you may find that now when your partner is in recover they are more than willing to speak their mind about these problems. They will follow steps and at times you may feel as though these steps, these people, are against you. The program can do something you could not, for all your love and hope and dreams the cold hard facts of one alcoholic making it through to the other side will do more than you ever could and it will tear at your very soul.
My husband and I had been together for eight years when I started posting on this board I had struggled on my onw before that. We dated for two years before I moved in with him. We had been together for another two when he started going to AA. He had been going to AA for a year when his last DWI came to court. He ended up going to prison because his Pre-Trial trial ua came up dirty. He had been working AA for over a year and a half but he could not stop smoking pot. I have posted the outcome of his actions in a previous post so I will not go into that here.
When not working the program his past came back haunt him. While in prison he was not in a facility that allowed him to keep working the program. He began drinking shortly after his release.
Why did I stay. I believed in him. I still do. I also believe that nothing I can say or do will change him. He has to find that within himself. If you are wondering or questioning what you can do or why he or she won't stop you are wasting your energy. Not even prison could Cause it, Cure it or Control it. Sometimes you just have to let it be.
__________________
What do you say, really? I believed in my partner, I thought my partner loved me enough to change, I thought I gave my partner enough love that they would want to change. I thought my partner would/will see how good life can be without the addiction and with real love. "He/She has had such a hard life"; "That is how they were raised, they don't know any better. I can show them how much better it can be." "We have children together"; "I made a vow." "He/she can't live without me". And so on and so on. Do any of these sound familiar?
I fell in love with someone who was completely different from anyone I had ever known, at first. He was outgoing, funny, completely devoted even when being an outrageous flirt. You could see it in his eyes; he adored me in a way I had never known before. I was the girl with a tongue sharper than a sword and an exterior like a rock. No matter how many times I pushed him away he wouldn't take no for an answer. He showered me with affection and spoiled me to no end. There came a point in the relationship where I knew I was not ready to move forward and take the next step. I knew Iain my heart of hearts that I was making a mistake but I was so completely in love with what might be and what could be I didn't walk away. The red flags had been up from day one and the warning sirens ringing but I loved the image I had of this man so much I could not walk away.
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple; even my best friend never thought it was "that bad". I was an expert at covering and lying to protect myself from the truth. At some point he had to see what he was doing to himself, to us. At some point he had to believe what we portrayed to the rest of the world, that we were a successful couple who had made it work not just in our careers but in our lives.
I believed in the idea of him, not the reality. The reality was a man who got up at three in the morning because he needed a drink. The reality was that before he went to get a drink he would find odd places in our home to urinate if he was not stopped. The reality was if he was stopped he would get violent. The reality was when I took his keys and check card so he could not drive us further into overdrawn he almost killed me in front of my daughter.
If you love an alcoholic you need to know your love cannot change the alcoholic. This is something they can only do for themselves. Do not deceive yourself into thinking you can force the alcoholic to change. You can't. You must take off the rose colored glasses and leave behind the denial and shame. If you tell me you have never been ashamed of your alcoholic partner I will call you a liar. Your alcoholic partner will never be what you imagine or want that person to be.
Recovery takes a toll on relationships. If you have been there as I was you know this to be true. The alcoholic must take steps and do things that have nothing to do with you and that at times will leave you feeling and wishing they were still drinking as at least then you knew what to expect.
If my alcoholic partner is going to meetings and in recovery why is my partner never around? Why do meetings last four hours when I thought they only lasted one? The partner may tell you that they went for coffee with the group. I know from my own experience with my partner that the "meeting after the meeting" was crucial to his recovery.
You might think that well, now that my partner is not drinking things will change for the better. DON'T BET ON IT. His or her recovery will bring things to the surface that they have tried to avoid for years if not decades.
It will not be easy for them and with most couples you had problems that did not just pertain to alcohol abuse but the abuse certainly contributed. These problems will not go away and in fact you may find that now when your partner is in recover they are more than willing to speak their mind about these problems. They will follow steps and at times you may feel as though these steps, these people, are against you. The program can do something you could not, for all your love and hope and dreams the cold hard facts of one alcoholic making it through to the other side will do more than you ever could and it will tear at your very soul.
My husband and I had been together for eight years when I started posting on this board I had struggled on my onw before that. We dated for two years before I moved in with him. We had been together for another two when he started going to AA. He had been going to AA for a year when his last DWI came to court. He ended up going to prison because his Pre-Trial trial ua came up dirty. He had been working AA for over a year and a half but he could not stop smoking pot. I have posted the outcome of his actions in a previous post so I will not go into that here.
When not working the program his past came back haunt him. While in prison he was not in a facility that allowed him to keep working the program. He began drinking shortly after his release.
Why did I stay. I believed in him. I still do. I also believe that nothing I can say or do will change him. He has to find that within himself. If you are wondering or questioning what you can do or why he or she won't stop you are wasting your energy. Not even prison could Cause it, Cure it or Control it. Sometimes you just have to let it be.
__________________
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I read this right after I lost another battle with detachment and had an argument with my ABF who, according to my last post, shouldn't even be here. Well, I failed miserably and was just indirectly labeled a "nagging b*tch" (the worst part is that he is RIGHT and I am sick and tired of nagging, thank you very much).
It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who goes along with all that pathetic BS such as asking him not to urinate in the room corner or against the exercise bike, please. Thank you for sharing. It helps me feel less pathetic...
After reading this, I really think I need to let this go. I am just not healthy and strong enough for this. And while he has never abused me, there is no joy in spending time with someone who would rather get stoned and play videogames than talk to me.
I just don't quite know how to come to terms with letting it be.
It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who goes along with all that pathetic BS such as asking him not to urinate in the room corner or against the exercise bike, please. Thank you for sharing. It helps me feel less pathetic...
After reading this, I really think I need to let this go. I am just not healthy and strong enough for this. And while he has never abused me, there is no joy in spending time with someone who would rather get stoned and play videogames than talk to me.
I just don't quite know how to come to terms with letting it be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Thank you for your post. I am the alcoholic who made all the excuses. You are right that you can not do it for an alcoholic. I could only do it for myself. I am glad I did but I still had to deal with my actions. Sorry does not help if you do it all over again. I am able to move on now, I dealt with my past actions now I can deal with actions of today. I hope you find comfort in you life and understanding that it is not your fault and you cannot help. Supportive maybe. Your post reminds me of the damage I caused. I ask for strength everyday not to go there again. I hope your bf finds sobriety. God bless and peace to you. LOL
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
My circle of friends and family are small because I choose it that way so no explanation is nessasary but they all know I don't file because financially I can't go after him.
When we get tired of being used, abused, taken for granted, pushed down, made sick as in them making us feel crazy it is time to let go............
It took me a while to get here but THANK YOU JESUS I am here.
Your post hits home. Thank you for sharing.
When we get tired of being used, abused, taken for granted, pushed down, made sick as in them making us feel crazy it is time to let go............
It took me a while to get here but THANK YOU JESUS I am here.
Your post hits home. Thank you for sharing.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Thank you for this post Toomuch.
I never really realized how much I avoid divulging that my ex is an alcoholic. So many people assume I'm with someone that I rarely am asked about my personal life.
I sometimes feel ashamed to admit it, simply because of the unspoken question I never hear - why did you stay? Instead I typically get..."Oh."
However, I tend to get a different response from those who have had relationships or family members with the disease, and their reply is typically - "You are so strong for leaving." Some have even gone as far as to tell me they could not be that strong.
I stayed with XABF because I was getting what I needed from the relationship. When it became too painful, it came down to me or the relationship. I chose me.
What I need in a relationship has changed since then.
I no longer need to rescue someone.
I no longer need to feel responsible for someone else.
I no longer need to always be needed by someone else.
Once upon a time I did.
I never really realized how much I avoid divulging that my ex is an alcoholic. So many people assume I'm with someone that I rarely am asked about my personal life.
I sometimes feel ashamed to admit it, simply because of the unspoken question I never hear - why did you stay? Instead I typically get..."Oh."
However, I tend to get a different response from those who have had relationships or family members with the disease, and their reply is typically - "You are so strong for leaving." Some have even gone as far as to tell me they could not be that strong.
I stayed with XABF because I was getting what I needed from the relationship. When it became too painful, it came down to me or the relationship. I chose me.
What I need in a relationship has changed since then.
I no longer need to rescue someone.
I no longer need to feel responsible for someone else.
I no longer need to always be needed by someone else.
Once upon a time I did.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I fell in love with someone who was completely different from anyone I had ever known, at first. He was outgoing, funny, completely devoted even when being an outrageous flirt. You could see it in his eyes; he adored me in a way I had never known before.
I believed in my partner, I thought my partner loved me enough to change, I thought I gave my partner enough love that they would want to change. I thought my partner would/will see how good life can be without the addiction and with real love. "He/She has had such a hard life"; "That is how they were raised, they don't know any better. I can show them how much better it can be." Do any of these sound familiar?
If you are wondering or questioning what you can do or why he or she won't stop you are wasting your energy.
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Fantastic post, thank you for sharing. I too stayed far too long and have recently left. Has it been easy no but it's so much better than it was.
It's amazing how we are conned and manipulated by A's. But that is what they do, they are addicts and won't change until they too have had enough.
K.
It's amazing how we are conned and manipulated by A's. But that is what they do, they are addicts and won't change until they too have had enough.
K.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
I can so relate to this thread...
Great post and VERY familiar. For years I covered up, convinced myself it wsn't that bad, wound up believing him when he said I was the one who was pent up about nothing/it was all my fault -- enabling, being manipulated and eventually turning myself into a crazy lunatic looking for the alcohol everywhere etc, trying to disprove his lies etc. I lived with him for 15 years and was convinced it was going to be happily ever after.
Why did I stay? We were both successful, had good careers, good lifestyle, kids... People thought we were 'perfect' for each other (perfectly self destructive, more like). We used to have so much fun. I kept thinking that IF he stopped drinking, the farting frog would turn back into the punctilious prince. How wrong...
Al-anon finally helped me see that I needed recovery too. Detachment started to help me through it. I thought forcing him into rehab would work (after years of marriage guidance counseling, doctors, etc etc) but after a month of misery ("it's so awful for MEEEEEEEE") trying to support him through it I realised when it was time for him to come home that I was dreading it. It had been so nice not to have the 24/7 emotional and verbal abuse. He came home, resented me for taking him away from alcohol and was even more difficult to communicate with. I tried to support him through sobriety and working detachment, but it just didn't work for me., and he started drinking again very soon after coming home (figured he'd done his time, proived he could do it, and earned the right to drink). I finally had an aha moment and realised I couldnt spend another day under the same roof. His manipulative tendencies can still get to me though. He tries to work the old passive-aggressive b/s in text messages and switches gears all the time in our divorce negotiations. Now I'm not in his proximity I'm able to see it for what it is. Some days I wish I'd woken up sooner, but on others I'm just so glad I woke up when I did. I want to move into a life where I'm able to work on my kids, career etc without constant criticism and planted doubts; battling with someone constantly; driving myself crazy over what state he's going to be in BEFORE we get to the function let alone how he's going to behave when there; what he's going to do next; when he's going to come home; whether he will lose his job; whether he will kill himself; how much has he drunk today. It was too much for anyone to bear and was turning me into a crazy nut too. Thank goodness I'm out of that vile little cocoon we wove for ourselves where alcohol is the binding thread. I totally lost pespective on what was normal and thought he was a 'good' husband but my 'reality' was completely warped and I can see that now. We both had our part to play but for me at least, cutting free was the only way. He is still drinking heavily and is still verbally abusive one day, manipulative the next (have to have contact for divorce/kids), so he's clearly not going to change. Trying to get him to work rehab just didn't work because he didn't want to do it himself. Now I can see that all the times he said/says he loves me, it's just empty words - the actions definitely show the opposite. I thank my lucky stars I managed to 'see the light' when I did (and I never would have opened my eyes and ears had it not been for Al-Anon) because I could have lived in that perverse idea that ours was a good marriage because it had 'lasted' for many more years but would have made myself ill and totally neglected myself and my kids along the way. It's so hard to see it, but once I did, all the pieces started to fit into place. For me, funny thing was the number of people who've told me these alcohol induced things which bothered them about him over the years but never said anything... :
Long way of saying, I completely relate to this thread. All I can say is that starting to detach and then leaving gave me a completely different perspective. This site has been a godsend too.
My best wishes to anyone in a similar situation. Those manipulative As are so good at playing on every insecurity and pulling every heart string. We play into their hands and back down so many times - always proving that they can make us stay if they just push the right buttons/say the right things. I am still stunned that I was so blind to it for so long. Fairy tales have a lot to answer for!
Why did I stay? We were both successful, had good careers, good lifestyle, kids... People thought we were 'perfect' for each other (perfectly self destructive, more like). We used to have so much fun. I kept thinking that IF he stopped drinking, the farting frog would turn back into the punctilious prince. How wrong...
Al-anon finally helped me see that I needed recovery too. Detachment started to help me through it. I thought forcing him into rehab would work (after years of marriage guidance counseling, doctors, etc etc) but after a month of misery ("it's so awful for MEEEEEEEE") trying to support him through it I realised when it was time for him to come home that I was dreading it. It had been so nice not to have the 24/7 emotional and verbal abuse. He came home, resented me for taking him away from alcohol and was even more difficult to communicate with. I tried to support him through sobriety and working detachment, but it just didn't work for me., and he started drinking again very soon after coming home (figured he'd done his time, proived he could do it, and earned the right to drink). I finally had an aha moment and realised I couldnt spend another day under the same roof. His manipulative tendencies can still get to me though. He tries to work the old passive-aggressive b/s in text messages and switches gears all the time in our divorce negotiations. Now I'm not in his proximity I'm able to see it for what it is. Some days I wish I'd woken up sooner, but on others I'm just so glad I woke up when I did. I want to move into a life where I'm able to work on my kids, career etc without constant criticism and planted doubts; battling with someone constantly; driving myself crazy over what state he's going to be in BEFORE we get to the function let alone how he's going to behave when there; what he's going to do next; when he's going to come home; whether he will lose his job; whether he will kill himself; how much has he drunk today. It was too much for anyone to bear and was turning me into a crazy nut too. Thank goodness I'm out of that vile little cocoon we wove for ourselves where alcohol is the binding thread. I totally lost pespective on what was normal and thought he was a 'good' husband but my 'reality' was completely warped and I can see that now. We both had our part to play but for me at least, cutting free was the only way. He is still drinking heavily and is still verbally abusive one day, manipulative the next (have to have contact for divorce/kids), so he's clearly not going to change. Trying to get him to work rehab just didn't work because he didn't want to do it himself. Now I can see that all the times he said/says he loves me, it's just empty words - the actions definitely show the opposite. I thank my lucky stars I managed to 'see the light' when I did (and I never would have opened my eyes and ears had it not been for Al-Anon) because I could have lived in that perverse idea that ours was a good marriage because it had 'lasted' for many more years but would have made myself ill and totally neglected myself and my kids along the way. It's so hard to see it, but once I did, all the pieces started to fit into place. For me, funny thing was the number of people who've told me these alcohol induced things which bothered them about him over the years but never said anything... :
Long way of saying, I completely relate to this thread. All I can say is that starting to detach and then leaving gave me a completely different perspective. This site has been a godsend too.
My best wishes to anyone in a similar situation. Those manipulative As are so good at playing on every insecurity and pulling every heart string. We play into their hands and back down so many times - always proving that they can make us stay if they just push the right buttons/say the right things. I am still stunned that I was so blind to it for so long. Fairy tales have a lot to answer for!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Thank you everyone for your responses. I have an advantage most don't. Funny now to think of this as an advantage. Before I left there was not enough money to pay the bills. I was working fifty, sixty hours six days a week but... We know how this goes now don't we. Our cell phones had been cut off and because our bank account was overdrawn I stopped doing direct deposit. I had already taken the bank card so now even the change jar had been emptied out.
Let me start by saying that when I want something to happen for me I make it happen. I can control me and my fate. I told him on Friday I was moving out of the house. On Saturday I went to look at an apartment with my daughter. I laid it out for the leasing agent that my finances were horrible, my credit had been shot and I was leaving my alcoholic husband. The next Thursday night (I had the apartment keys but was going to wait until the weekend) he started up on me. I knocked on my daughter's bedroom door, told her we were leaving and we did.
Because I no longer used direct deposit I was able to squirrel just enough money away to get us in the door. Thanks to God the leasing agent worked miracles and we actually had enough money left over to get some necessities. I went to our cell phone provider and did the same thing, I explained the situation, pride be damned. I have a sixteen year old daughter and we don't live in a time when you can let your kid play down in the field until dusk. They advised that while I could not separate the accounts they would give me my own account with two new phones at no charge.
I never told him where we were moving to and I never gave him a phone number or even told him I have a phone. I cut all contact off completely and totally. I had some great friends to help me move and we managed to do most of it while he went out drinking. He was drunk when we were loading up the last of my stuff into the truck.
He knows where I work and he knows my private line at work. He has not contacted me and I am not contacting him. When I have enough money to file for divorce I will let the sheriff or constable serve him. I am also quite sure he will not show up for court but I think if he does by that point I will be strong enough not to rise to the bait. I loved my husband for a very long time and you don't walk away from any relationship with out some kind of residual feelings, I just refuse to allow him to take advantage of the fact that I will always love him.
We were talking about splitting up a while back. He told me he could not live with out me. I said to him, really? Because from where I sit you should already be dead. He looked at me and asked if that was what I wanted, for him to be dead (QUACK) I looked him calmly in the eye and told him no but as long as alcohol has the first priority in your life you are living with out me so when you say you can't live with out me then I guess you are already dead.
There is only one person in this world I cannot live with out and that is the person who resides in my soul.
Let me start by saying that when I want something to happen for me I make it happen. I can control me and my fate. I told him on Friday I was moving out of the house. On Saturday I went to look at an apartment with my daughter. I laid it out for the leasing agent that my finances were horrible, my credit had been shot and I was leaving my alcoholic husband. The next Thursday night (I had the apartment keys but was going to wait until the weekend) he started up on me. I knocked on my daughter's bedroom door, told her we were leaving and we did.
Because I no longer used direct deposit I was able to squirrel just enough money away to get us in the door. Thanks to God the leasing agent worked miracles and we actually had enough money left over to get some necessities. I went to our cell phone provider and did the same thing, I explained the situation, pride be damned. I have a sixteen year old daughter and we don't live in a time when you can let your kid play down in the field until dusk. They advised that while I could not separate the accounts they would give me my own account with two new phones at no charge.
I never told him where we were moving to and I never gave him a phone number or even told him I have a phone. I cut all contact off completely and totally. I had some great friends to help me move and we managed to do most of it while he went out drinking. He was drunk when we were loading up the last of my stuff into the truck.
He knows where I work and he knows my private line at work. He has not contacted me and I am not contacting him. When I have enough money to file for divorce I will let the sheriff or constable serve him. I am also quite sure he will not show up for court but I think if he does by that point I will be strong enough not to rise to the bait. I loved my husband for a very long time and you don't walk away from any relationship with out some kind of residual feelings, I just refuse to allow him to take advantage of the fact that I will always love him.
We were talking about splitting up a while back. He told me he could not live with out me. I said to him, really? Because from where I sit you should already be dead. He looked at me and asked if that was what I wanted, for him to be dead (QUACK) I looked him calmly in the eye and told him no but as long as alcohol has the first priority in your life you are living with out me so when you say you can't live with out me then I guess you are already dead.
There is only one person in this world I cannot live with out and that is the person who resides in my soul.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 7
All of these posts are so helpful. After 30+ years of being married to an alcoholic, I am beginning to think there is some dysfunction? manipulation? How did it take me so long to realize I am not the reason of every drink. I am so alone, and so slow at coming to my senses. This is my first day looking at the forums and you have all helped me so much already. I am numb, alone, feeling crazy, feeling inadequate, responsible for all the problems that occur in our life. All the posts have made me see I am not alone in this alcohol cyclone I am living.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
Welcome tortoise
Welcome to the forum toroise. I hope you will read and learn and share. There is so much to be learned from this sight and the awakenings that you are not responsible for every drink can be a difficult one to accept after years of living with self-doubt usually sown by the alcoholic. Hope you find the site useful as I'm sure you will. If you're reading this site, it's for a reason, right?!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Welcome aboard the magical mystery tour tortoise 
Honestly I think there has to be some level of dysfunction in ones self to be willing to stay in this kind of a relationship. That being said, a recovery program of your own you will give you a lot of insight into where those dysfunctional areas of your psyche may be. Co dependency is a form of dysfunction and for all intents and purposes we need treatment just as much as the alcoholic. On both sides of the fence something is missing from our lives but we go in search of what is missing with out evaluating why we feel something is missing. Without evaluating the reason or taking inventory we will continue to seek in the dark.
There are some great stickies here. Look under the "best of SR" too, great stuff. Keep posting and keep reading.
Honestly I think there has to be some level of dysfunction in ones self to be willing to stay in this kind of a relationship. That being said, a recovery program of your own you will give you a lot of insight into where those dysfunctional areas of your psyche may be. Co dependency is a form of dysfunction and for all intents and purposes we need treatment just as much as the alcoholic. On both sides of the fence something is missing from our lives but we go in search of what is missing with out evaluating why we feel something is missing. Without evaluating the reason or taking inventory we will continue to seek in the dark. There are some great stickies here. Look under the "best of SR" too, great stuff. Keep posting and keep reading.
blue-eyed soul
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: south Louisiana
Posts: 37
sounds like our house!
Originally Posted by YellowRed 
battling with someone constantly; driving myself crazy over what state he's going to be in BEFORE we get to the function let alone how he's going to behave when there; what he's going to do next; when he's going to come home; whether he will lose his job; whether he will kill himself; how much has he drunk today. :
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by YellowRed
punctilious prince
By the last few years of our marriage I realized my wife was a liar, a cheat, a theif, and a drunk. In retrospect I believe she had been most of those things for most of our 11 year marriage. Can you say denial? Bet most of us can!
The first time I found out she was screwing another man (started to say "unfaithful", but that sounds a little too nice and civilized, lets just call it what it is shall we!) our daughter was only about 2 years old. My knee-jerk reaction was to move out. I was a man for crying out loud...I didn't have to put up with THIS.
I consulted a lawyer and he told me she would get custody...that cheating didn't amount to much in a custody case. :wtf2
I was slapped in the face with the reality that if I divorce her....I divorce my dd as well. I reasoned that I'd be damned if dd and I paid the price for her B.S., so I moved back in. I figured I would just have to man up if I wanted to wake up under the same roof as dd. I had to swallow alot more than my pride.
I know it hurts just as bad, but it somehow seems worse/dirtier when it's the wife that's the cheater. Maybe only when it's MY wife....Ha! I know, I know double standard, chauvanistic, pig, so on.
Disclaimer: I was far from a picture perfect husband...but I didn't have those particular character traits.
This is slightly off topic here...but guys, you had better be able to trust who you make babies with, cause with the exception of addiction....a wife can pretty much do as she pleases and you are left with the option to stay or go, but theres a good chance you'll leave your kids behind.
BTW that was NOT intended to be a rant against wives in general, (most are NOT liars, cheaters, thieves, etc.) it was just something I had not even considered at the time.
Anywho...I chose to stay. This was all 2-3 years before the alcoholism got REALLY bad. I did not believe in God then. I believe my first prayer to God was to please help me lose the desire for beer, and the second was please don't let me lose my daughter.
He's good this God guy!You see, I actually owe alcoholism alot, in a weird twisted kind of way. My precious 7yo DD is sleeping soundly about 15 feet from me right now. And I don't have to be married to a lying, cheating, thieving drunk anymore. Yea for me!
Oh I had all the other "usual" reasons for staying as well, fear, fear, fear, and fear.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Originally Posted by coyote21
This is slightly off topic here...but guys, you had better be able to trust who you make babies with, cause with the exception of addiction....a wife can pretty much do as she pleases and you are left with the option to stay or go, but theres a good chance you'll leave your kids behind.
Coyote
Coyote
Coyote, you made a good point whether you are male or female, we should be very careful who we choose to bring a child into the world with. No matter how it goes down the other parent will always be a part of your kids life. I have spent many nights with my daughter while she cried herself to sleep wondering why her father didn't love her enough to stay and i am sure you and your daughter have dealt with your own issues. I wouldn't change it for the world, God knows I love that little girl (she's sixteen now) with all my heart but man, I wish she didn't have to be hurt so badly.
Peace to all.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I enjoyed the post but I found it quite sad.
It reminded me that my tendency is to put my happiness and well being in the hands of another, and usually that 'other' has a long history of abuse, which I pretend hasn't happened. In Al Anon they call that denial.
And I 'stayed' because I couldn't leave. Just like a drug addict can't go without drugs, I couldn't live without a relationship. Good, bad or otherwise, I had to have one, so I allowed my partners to treat me however they saw fit. For me they filled a deep need I should have been filling with a HP/God.
:ghug3
It reminded me that my tendency is to put my happiness and well being in the hands of another, and usually that 'other' has a long history of abuse, which I pretend hasn't happened. In Al Anon they call that denial.
And I 'stayed' because I couldn't leave. Just like a drug addict can't go without drugs, I couldn't live without a relationship. Good, bad or otherwise, I had to have one, so I allowed my partners to treat me however they saw fit. For me they filled a deep need I should have been filling with a HP/God.
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Excellent point Liz. Recovery for me is reaching a place where I am comfortable in my own skin, where I don't need someone else to make me feel good or to validate me.
I was raised by a woman who told me I would never be anything but a housewife because that is what women did. She grew up in a time when that was true but I did not. I go into relationships with a feeling of conflict, how do I ensure my own autonomy while being the wife I was raised to be? The simple answer is I will never be that wife or girlfriend so I have to find my own middle ground. Obviously I have yet to do that. No harm in admitting one's own faults, it is how we learn and grow.
I have been somewhat the polar opposite of you, while you at the time felt you needed to be in a relationship I thrive when I am not in a relationship. I hope that didn't sound wrong? I am always better off financially when I am not in a relationship, I have a richer social life, I work harder, and all in all I have better relationships with my family, friends and co workers.
I have never been afraid to be alone. I enjoy being alone, I like to just kick back by myself and do what ever. My problem is the way I become when I am in a relationship. I lose my sense of identity to the relationship. I forget who I am.
You gave me a lot to think about Liz, thanx. I have been cocooning for the last month or so because I am afraid that if I meet someone I will follow the same behavior pattern. Up until just now I didn't really know what that was. Now I do. Tune in for the next Diary of a Mad Woman, at some point
I was raised by a woman who told me I would never be anything but a housewife because that is what women did. She grew up in a time when that was true but I did not. I go into relationships with a feeling of conflict, how do I ensure my own autonomy while being the wife I was raised to be? The simple answer is I will never be that wife or girlfriend so I have to find my own middle ground. Obviously I have yet to do that. No harm in admitting one's own faults, it is how we learn and grow.
I have been somewhat the polar opposite of you, while you at the time felt you needed to be in a relationship I thrive when I am not in a relationship. I hope that didn't sound wrong? I am always better off financially when I am not in a relationship, I have a richer social life, I work harder, and all in all I have better relationships with my family, friends and co workers.
I have never been afraid to be alone. I enjoy being alone, I like to just kick back by myself and do what ever. My problem is the way I become when I am in a relationship. I lose my sense of identity to the relationship. I forget who I am.
You gave me a lot to think about Liz, thanx. I have been cocooning for the last month or so because I am afraid that if I meet someone I will follow the same behavior pattern. Up until just now I didn't really know what that was. Now I do. Tune in for the next Diary of a Mad Woman, at some point
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