One day at a time

Old 09-30-2008, 10:53 AM
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One day at a time

"Today is a new day, full of endless possibilities."

My ABF got out of bed at a reasonable time this morning, around 9:30 am. He is still jobless, but got dressed in nice dress slacks and a white polo. He received a phone call from a tree company that wants to trek to Louisianna to help with the hurricane aftermath.

I have such mixed feelings about this, but am trying to let him make his own decisions, because after all this is his life. I told him that I was concerned that this could just be a 3-4 week job and he could be right back where he was. It is the beginning of October. I am due in 8 weeks to have our baby girl.

I have very few friends in the area. My co-workers are proving to be more supportive than him or his family as far as this baby is concerned. And now, to top it off, he's leaving to go 4 hours away to make money.

I know his problem is not mine, and that I can't control it----but I am afraid of what him going out of town can do to him. He has been trying to stay sober (and failing miserably). Last night I worked at night and came home to a buzzed man and four mysterious 16 oz beer cans in the garbage, which he tried to hide.

I'm glad he's trying to be supportive financially, but I'm angry that he doesn't see it as a problem that I'll be all alone during this last leg. I can't help but wonder if this is preparation for a lifetime of being a single mother.

So many people have told me that leaving should be a no brainer. He is constantly without a job and didn't even want the baby to begin with. Right now I have health insurance that will completely pay for the baby's birth. If I go home to my parents (1700 miles) I wouldn't have that, but I'd have lots of love.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a consultation and told him I wanted it documented that I thought he had a drug and alcohol problem to protect me and the baby should I leave and there was a custody battle. The doctor told me to run for the hills.

I know no one can tell me what to do. I want to thank you all for listening though. Between "blogging" daily and talking to my parents daily it is quite possibly some of the best therapy that I can get for free!

Tomorrow I am not backing out of Al-Anon. I know that I need to go. That I need that support. I just hope they're like all of you have been!
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Old 09-30-2008, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by orviske View Post
I know his problem is not mine, and that I can't control it----but I am afraid of what him going out of town can do to him. He has been trying to stay sober (and failing miserably). Last night I worked at night and came home to a buzzed man and four mysterious 16 oz beer cans in the garbage, which he tried to hide.

I'm glad he's trying to be supportive financially, but I'm angry that he doesn't see it as a problem that I'll be all alone during this last leg. I can't help but wonder if this is preparation for a lifetime of being a single mother.
First of all, congrats on taking that step into the Al-Anon meeting.. it's one I've yet to do, but I'm sure I NEED it.

I kind of think you hit the nail on the head here... about being preparation for a lifetime of being a single mother. We want so bady for the men in our lives to step up and be fathers. But sometimes it's just too much for them. I got a great response from a recovering A about this same topic.. it might help you as well.

Here's the link to the whole thread if you want to see the whole conversation.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ally-feel.html

Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk View Post
I'll share a little more here. Guy's perspective I guess, and a former drunk's too.

We have a 3 year old son, and we have been trying to have another. Before our first little guy came along, and before I was sober, I seriously didn't want a child for a few reasons.

1. Cuts into my drinking time (from the brain of an active drunk, married, no kids)
I have a schedule to keep. I wake up, still a little drunk from the night before. I calculate how drunk I am, how long before I'll be able to drink again, and gague how bad the shakes will get. I hit the bottle first thing in the AM if needed. Go to work. Come home, and hit it hard 'til zero-pass out-thirty. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

If there's a baby in the house, you might actually expect me to help you with stuff. And I'm usually too drunk to do that. So that means I will need to drink less. That's a scary thought to me being an active alcoholic.

2. Being an active alcoholic, I know darn well I'm not equipped to be a dad. So now am I not only worried about having to drink less, I'm ashamed as well because I'm about to be a drunk dad.

Factor one child in the picture already with a new one on the way. The above is exactly the same for me. Now that I'm sober, the prospect of a second child seems like no big deal. I'm a veteran dad now so I know what to expect and I'm actually looking forward to another little rugrat scurrying about the house. But, like the above, when I'm drinking, more kids are not good for me.

1. Second baby cuts into my drinking time.
I have a schedule to keep. Sure, we already have one. But I'm used to one child. Adding another to the mix would further reduce my drinking time and that we cannot have.

2. Being an active alcoholic, I know darn well I'm not equipped to be a dad. I know I'm already messing up one kid's life by being a drunk, and now I'm going to mess with two kid's lives. Now I'm going to be doubly ashamed about being a drunk dad.

When I was a drunk, change was bad. I was in a drinking rut and I liked it. Don't change my pattern.

If your A is anything like me, this is exactly what is going on inside his head.
All in all I think we are both lucky to be seeing our situations for what they are at such an early stage. I've seen so many people on this board who put up, or contiued to try for 10, 15 or 20 years. Even though I haven't made my big inital step yet, I can't for the life of me see myself in this postion even just a year from now.

Keep posting sweetie.. we're here for you..
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Old 09-30-2008, 03:57 PM
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Orviske you are already a single mom. You are the one supporting your little one to be, not him. Honestly even though I know it is scary to think of going through child birth with out him wouldn't it be great to not have him around for a bit? You could think of it as an opportunity to take a vacation from stress before your baby is born and get the rest you are going to need once the baby is born.

Being a single mom is not all that bad, I know first hand. I love being a single mom to tell you the truth. Yes it is challenging and sometimes frustrating and now she is at an age where it can be scary but I would not trade my experience as a single mom for anything in the world. I have a daughter who is independent, strong and sure of herself and I believe that is because she was raised by a single mom. You'll be ok, you will actually be amazed how powerful you really are. Peace lil'mama!
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:54 PM
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Hi Orviske from another Mobilian. I cannot give much advise as I am the A in my situation. If your ABF wants to try AA please PM me and I'll take him. There are probably over 100 meetings a week in and around Mobile, so we can fit his schedule!
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Old 10-01-2008, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
Hi Orviske from another Mobilian. I cannot give much advise as I am the A in my situation. If your ABF wants to try AA please PM me and I'll take him. There are probably over 100 meetings a week in and around Mobile, so we can fit his schedule!
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I would love for you to go with my A to his meeting, however.....A currently refuses that he has a problem.

Also, he was mandated by the court to go to so many meetings in order to get of probation. He can't even be serious with himself about this. He went to one meeting, and said he would continue going.....then...

Him and his friends were having a few beers one night and decided it would be really easy to just forge the signatures he needed, because, after all....it is anonymous. They couldn't prove that he was there, and could ask if he was there was his thinking.

I do appreciate your response though. I hope you are well today and surrounded by love, support and light during your recovery.

K
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Old 10-01-2008, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by TooMuch4TooLong View Post
Orviske you are already a single mom. You are the one supporting your little one to be, not him. Honestly even though I know it is scary to think of going through child birth with out him wouldn't it be great to not have him around for a bit? You could think of it as an opportunity to take a vacation from stress before your baby is born and get the rest you are going to need once the baby is born.

Being a single mom is not all that bad, I know first hand. I love being a single mom to tell you the truth. Yes it is challenging and sometimes frustrating and now she is at an age where it can be scary but I would not trade my experience as a single mom for anything in the world. I have a daughter who is independent, strong and sure of herself and I believe that is because she was raised by a single mom. You'll be ok, you will actually be amazed how powerful you really are. Peace lil'mama!

I am not at all worried about being a single mom. I chose it almost.....

When I found out I was pregnant---A didn't want to keep the baby. We decided that was best. Then I put a lurch in the plan and decided that I wanted to keep the baby....the time was right in my life---I have an education, I've started a career.....

And somehow, I kind of know how it will end up.

It would be good to take a vacation from him. Concrete boots is what I'm wearing these days. Today I am cleaning and taking inventory and formulating a plan in my head.

He has been sober.....but I know it won't be long before he's not.

Thank you for your reply. I heart single moms (my step mom was one for YEARS!!!)

K
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