Lack of control
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Lack of control
I am having a frustrating day today, and I think it is because I feel a lack of control in my life.
The AH called first thing this morning. I didn't answer the phone on the first call because I was getting ready for work, and I refuse to be late. He called again while on my way to work, and we chatted about this and that. Of course, he wants to come home, and again I reiterated that he needs to go into recovery. He still has a case of the drink-thinks because he said if I let him come home, then he will go to AA...then it is for better for worse...then mentioning that he would have never thrown me out if the situation was in reverse. I ended the conversation.
He still gets mail to my house from the State of Florida because of his child support enforcement. I actually have anxiety about it when I see the envelopes come. I know I should return to sender. I find it frustrating that a letter on his part with proof that he has filed for SSI might help his situation, but he never does it. I have been twice tempted to do it for him. I know...not good.
In addition, I am trying to apply for a PHD program. My grades and letters of recommendation are stellar, but my standardize test score is mediocre at best. I have anxiety that I am not going to get accepted anywhere as a result of this. A lot of schools won't even look at the rest of your application without the test score. I have taken the test three times and prepped like hell for it, and still stuck. I have asked several of my professors and no one will tell me what I want to hear which is "don't worry about it."
Also, my schedule is closing in around me. Full time graduate school and full time work, and all I do is work, homework, work, homework. I have no time for me. I haven't been to a meeting in so long, and even my recovery material that I read seems lackluster.
I am so frustrated right now. I feel like I have no control over my life. It is really a scary feeling. I could use some advise and support now. Thanks...
The AH called first thing this morning. I didn't answer the phone on the first call because I was getting ready for work, and I refuse to be late. He called again while on my way to work, and we chatted about this and that. Of course, he wants to come home, and again I reiterated that he needs to go into recovery. He still has a case of the drink-thinks because he said if I let him come home, then he will go to AA...then it is for better for worse...then mentioning that he would have never thrown me out if the situation was in reverse. I ended the conversation.
He still gets mail to my house from the State of Florida because of his child support enforcement. I actually have anxiety about it when I see the envelopes come. I know I should return to sender. I find it frustrating that a letter on his part with proof that he has filed for SSI might help his situation, but he never does it. I have been twice tempted to do it for him. I know...not good.
In addition, I am trying to apply for a PHD program. My grades and letters of recommendation are stellar, but my standardize test score is mediocre at best. I have anxiety that I am not going to get accepted anywhere as a result of this. A lot of schools won't even look at the rest of your application without the test score. I have taken the test three times and prepped like hell for it, and still stuck. I have asked several of my professors and no one will tell me what I want to hear which is "don't worry about it."
Also, my schedule is closing in around me. Full time graduate school and full time work, and all I do is work, homework, work, homework. I have no time for me. I haven't been to a meeting in so long, and even my recovery material that I read seems lackluster.
I am so frustrated right now. I feel like I have no control over my life. It is really a scary feeling. I could use some advise and support now. Thanks...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
When I am stressed about something that truly affects me (tests, deadlines), I immediately start to blame the other people of the world - yesterday it was the cashier at the drug store LOL.
How about trying to write "Return to Sender" on one of those envelopes? I did it. Looking back, I realize I waited for a while because I was not willing to really let go of the whole 20 years. Breaking those last little ties, really letting go, was a process.
Be kind to yourself and keep your eye on the prize - the PHD.
Good luck!!!!
((()))
How about trying to write "Return to Sender" on one of those envelopes? I did it. Looking back, I realize I waited for a while because I was not willing to really let go of the whole 20 years. Breaking those last little ties, really letting go, was a process.
Be kind to yourself and keep your eye on the prize - the PHD.
Good luck!!!!
((()))
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
He still has a case of the drink-thinks because he said if I let him come home, then he will go to AA...then it is for better for worse...
That statement says alot don't you think? Why not go ahead and quit drinking now? For himself?
Be strong...hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Silverberry))) I am in the same dang boat! Too much work- way too much, and school, trying to get a house ready to sell, trying to be a good mom, and so little time for me. I just want a weekend where I can goof off with dd and not think about homework, freelance, painting or re-doing whatever in the house. . . it just seems endless! All I can say is that it won't be like this forever. Things will settle down.
And as far as your test scores- I know how that is too- mine weren't great, but I got into my MFA program. Graphic designers don't need math- right??? ;o) I'd just take it a day at a time and accept that those are your scores- somehow you will get into a program- I believe it.
The mail thing- same here. I've asked STBXAH to change his address numerous times, but he won't. I'm going to do it for him- if I can- just for my own peace-of-mind.
Good luck, and know you are not alone!
And as far as your test scores- I know how that is too- mine weren't great, but I got into my MFA program. Graphic designers don't need math- right??? ;o) I'd just take it a day at a time and accept that those are your scores- somehow you will get into a program- I believe it.
The mail thing- same here. I've asked STBXAH to change his address numerous times, but he won't. I'm going to do it for him- if I can- just for my own peace-of-mind.
Good luck, and know you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331 
I have no time for me. I haven't been to a meeting in so long, and even my recovery material that I read seems lackluster.
HALT-Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. That's what happens when my recovery gets left behind.
I've had more than one day like you just described over the past couple of months.
Every time I call my sponsor on those days, he asks how my conscious contact is with my higher power, and to be honest, it's never there on those days.
It is getting easier for me to admit I am not Superwoman, and I need to sit down and re-prioritize.
Is there a reason you have to pursue your PhD right now?
I know for me, when I miss my meetings, my program goes to hell in a hand basket.
I'm taking 5 college classes online right now, and this is in the midst of my 20 year old AD (still living with me) and her mess with no car since she totaled hers, my parents enabling the hell out of her, and there are days I literally have to shut myself in my computer room (my safe haven), take a deep breath, and have some quiet time with my higher power.
I can also take an hour away from my studies to make a meeting, although my head likes to tell me, oh no, you can't take time for a meeting, you must study, study, study!
I have no transportation because the folks ripped the Nissan out from under me to let the AD use (my dad paid for the car, thus strings attached), and by God I walked to a meeting Sunday night. I'll walk to another one tomorrow night.
I have got to keep my recovery first and foremost.
Sometimes I have to let go of something in my life to lighten up my load.
Lately that has meant washing my hands of, and continuing to wash my hands of, the current drama/chaos between my parents and my AD.
Put return to sender on his crap that comes to your house.
Let go, and continue to let go.
Re-evaluate your goals in life right now and honestly ask yourself, can you do all of that at this time?
Your life is in flux, major changes, and just from my viewpoint, I see you taking too much on.
Just my two cents! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Silverberry,
I know exactly how you feel in many ways. Though I don't have the added stress of an AH right now like you do, I too am in a full-time degree program with full-time work, along with an internship component required for my degree, and just feel like there's no time left over for, well, anything. Eating right, going to bed early, exercise, long hot baths....I keep thinking that if I can just adjust X, Y, or Z, everything would "fit" into my day, and it just doesn't. Hugely frustrating.
I worry about test scores as well, but luckily I have a really resourceful academic advisor who points me to all kinds of tools and resources offered by the university. Does yours have any kind of support system in place to help you like this? It just seems that, for a diligent and hard-working student like you, there ought to be people falling over themselves to help you boost your scores on the practice tests and help build your confidence. There's nothing where you are?
I also have found that exhaustion and stress has made me feel a lot more pessimistic about myself academically than is really warranted. Could there be an element of this at work in you? "Awfulizing" what might happen? Even if not, I'm sure there are ways to get to where you want to be (intensive tutoring in your weakest subjects, waiting a year and applying again, trying a different program, etc etc). It seems that our resilience and resourcefulness are some of the first things to get damaged by stress.
Are you getting enough sleep? Fresh air? Exercise?
Any way you can boost your energy and optimism?
Can you make your hand write "No Longer At This Address" ? Or get your husband a P.O. box near him, give him the key, and have all of his mail forwarded there? (that worked REALLY well with my A sister....it was the best fifteen bucks I ever spent)
Hugs,
GL
I know exactly how you feel in many ways. Though I don't have the added stress of an AH right now like you do, I too am in a full-time degree program with full-time work, along with an internship component required for my degree, and just feel like there's no time left over for, well, anything. Eating right, going to bed early, exercise, long hot baths....I keep thinking that if I can just adjust X, Y, or Z, everything would "fit" into my day, and it just doesn't. Hugely frustrating.
I worry about test scores as well, but luckily I have a really resourceful academic advisor who points me to all kinds of tools and resources offered by the university. Does yours have any kind of support system in place to help you like this? It just seems that, for a diligent and hard-working student like you, there ought to be people falling over themselves to help you boost your scores on the practice tests and help build your confidence. There's nothing where you are?
I also have found that exhaustion and stress has made me feel a lot more pessimistic about myself academically than is really warranted. Could there be an element of this at work in you? "Awfulizing" what might happen? Even if not, I'm sure there are ways to get to where you want to be (intensive tutoring in your weakest subjects, waiting a year and applying again, trying a different program, etc etc). It seems that our resilience and resourcefulness are some of the first things to get damaged by stress.
Are you getting enough sleep? Fresh air? Exercise?
Any way you can boost your energy and optimism?
Can you make your hand write "No Longer At This Address" ? Or get your husband a P.O. box near him, give him the key, and have all of his mail forwarded there? (that worked REALLY well with my A sister....it was the best fifteen bucks I ever spent)
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I just read an excellent article yesterday by Martha Beck on how to focus on what's really important. These aren't new ideas, in fact, it's based in part on Steven Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." Still, a good reminder for me on what's important and not so important in life. 
How to Manage Your Time and Focus on What's Really Important
L
How to Manage Your Time and Focus on What's Really Important
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And may I point out that Martha Beck dropped out of her PhD program to take care of her Downs-Syndrome son Adam, and eventually went on to complete it and become one of Oprah's chosen few
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi again,
Thanks all for answering.
I may do the entire PO box thing. I never thought of that before. Denny is right, I guess there are some things I am holding onto. Like asking him about whether or not he is going into recovery rather than saying that it is over. It is like even though I am never taking him back, I can't admit it.
HALT! Truer words never spoken...I am tired, angry, lonely...not to mention sad and frazzled. I have put my recovery to the wayside. I want a weekend to goof off and do nada. I slept most of the day Sunday, which ended me up really behind on my school work...no rest for the wicked or Social Theory (yeah sounds fun doesn't it?)
I realize that I am not old by any means...I am 31 years old right now, but still, I feel anxious...I feel anxious like I have missed out on so much, and I have to hurry, hurry, hurry to get it all done! I want my PHD so bad, so I can start my career...my REAL career, and not be stuck in this cubicle for another second. Last year, I applied for my PHD, but only for three schools in a different program. Two rejected me right off the bat (poor scores)...it shook my confidence level.
I took a prep course (cost me over $1000.00), did private tutoring, an online course, and 8+ hours of homework a week for the GRE, and still came out with a mediocre score. I am not geared around standardize tests....
And it all makes me feel like I am missing out again on something...I have always felt that way. Like everyone went into the store and got product "A" off the shelf, and I went in and accidently bought product "B." It looks like product A and smells like it, but it isn't. I feel like I am shortchanged and when I do get to achieve something that is similar to what I deem as "normal," I feel like a fraud....Does that sound kooky?
Thanks all for answering.
I may do the entire PO box thing. I never thought of that before. Denny is right, I guess there are some things I am holding onto. Like asking him about whether or not he is going into recovery rather than saying that it is over. It is like even though I am never taking him back, I can't admit it.
HALT! Truer words never spoken...I am tired, angry, lonely...not to mention sad and frazzled. I have put my recovery to the wayside. I want a weekend to goof off and do nada. I slept most of the day Sunday, which ended me up really behind on my school work...no rest for the wicked or Social Theory (yeah sounds fun doesn't it?)
I realize that I am not old by any means...I am 31 years old right now, but still, I feel anxious...I feel anxious like I have missed out on so much, and I have to hurry, hurry, hurry to get it all done! I want my PHD so bad, so I can start my career...my REAL career, and not be stuck in this cubicle for another second. Last year, I applied for my PHD, but only for three schools in a different program. Two rejected me right off the bat (poor scores)...it shook my confidence level.
I took a prep course (cost me over $1000.00), did private tutoring, an online course, and 8+ hours of homework a week for the GRE, and still came out with a mediocre score. I am not geared around standardize tests....
And it all makes me feel like I am missing out again on something...I have always felt that way. Like everyone went into the store and got product "A" off the shelf, and I went in and accidently bought product "B." It looks like product A and smells like it, but it isn't. I feel like I am shortchanged and when I do get to achieve something that is similar to what I deem as "normal," I feel like a fraud....Does that sound kooky?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Nope... it definitely doesn't sound kooky. Everyone has a picture of what they want their life to be. If you're like me, you fundamentally like being married, of having someone around that you genuinely like for themselves and being with. The problem, to paraphrase the getting them sober books, is that the A's in our life present a pretty picture that apparently fits in really well with the puzzle that is our life. The problem is "that box of chocolates" that looks so pretty and fits in so well, doesn't taste good, and when you look real closely at it, isn't chocolate at all, its ex-lax. It's not bad going down, but has terrible consequences.
Redd
Redd
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am 50 years old and just now finishing my college degree, two degrees as a matter of fact, and both only associate degrees, if I choose to look at it this way.
Personally, I'm darned proud of what I am doing!
I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when I saw you posting about pursuing a PhD when I haven't even gotten my associate's yet, and I was having trouble grasping why you weren't grateful for the college education you already have that I don't have yet!
Personally, I'm darned proud of what I am doing!
I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when I saw you posting about pursuing a PhD when I haven't even gotten my associate's yet, and I was having trouble grasping why you weren't grateful for the college education you already have that I don't have yet!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
I am having a frustrating day today, and I think it is because I feel a lack of control in my life.
Something I have to remind myself constantly, the only control I have is over the space between my ears. And a lot of the time that is enough of a struggle for me! :ghug3
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Freedom---thanks for the post...I think that is a wonderful accomplishment. TWO degrees! I wouldn't look at it as only an associates degree. It is alot of work! I think alot of my problem has to do with my issues within myself. My lack of ability to control the situation. I hate to have someone dictate the direction of my life...Perhaps it is reminiscent of my AH? I always allowed his actions to dictate my life. HMMMMM.....In fact, that is how I have always allowed it to happen...someone else gets to dictate the direction of my life...I guess I allow that...then when it is something that is truly beyond my control, I get angry and resentful.... I think that may have been a breakthrough...WOW! I would have never thought of that without your post!
Redd---you are so right! Just like Ex Lax....the results can be explosive...
I would have never thought of that without your post!Redd---you are so right! Just like Ex Lax....the results can be explosive...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by anvilhead
i recall a time when i was working part time and going to community college part time and had a little 4 year old and everything was at the other end of town from wherever i was and in one day i rearended somebody and got rearended.......i said OK, i get the message, slow down, quit trying to cover more ground that is humanly possible. i backed off on college, focused more on work and the kiddo......
I can so relate to that because three times prior to now I had started college and three times it just did NOT work out (I was a single mom of two daughters and working full-time).
It just was NOT meant to be at any of those times.
I did manage to get a class in here and there over the years, even one semester on-campus for Anatomy & Physiology, and Algebra.
That's why I'm now going for the double degree because my academic advisor said I'm only 3-4 classes short of a double degree (in addition to what I'm taking for the RHIT degree) with those others I got in over the years.
I said well heck I'm not getting any younger, might as well go for it!
I really like what you said.
My higher power does have a way of telling me to slow down, and it usually takes a smack upside my head (figuratively speaking) to hear that!
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