sunflowerintx

My AH and I are separated and I don't see us reconciling. We've done the dance, back and forth, for 20 years.

I've been thinking the past few days about how much effort I put into him and his issues. While I don't regret my two amazing children, that effort could have been better spent on me and our children.

I've read books, here are a few of them:

Codependent No More
The Language of Letting Go
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Why Does He Do That?
Under the Influence

That's 5 of about 30 or so books I've read.

I've gone to Al-Anon meetings. I've been encouraging and supportive. I've been a raving lunatic. I've loved and loved him through it all. I've taken anti-depressants. I've taken anti-anxiety meds. I've lost weight. I've gained weight. I've begged him to change. I've been happy when he's there and happy when he's gone. I've been lonely without him and I've been lonely with him. I've prayed. I've cried RIVERS of tears. I've gone to church and prayed with prayer partners. I've written letters.

I honestly believe I've done ALL I COULD DO. I'm not stupid or slow...I believe the best in people.

Here's the thing....all of that energy I spent trying to be a supportive wife to AH? IT DIDN'T MATTER. He's still a jerk. He still says I DON'T LOVE HIM. :wtf2

I am about 60 pounds overweight. I was MAYBE 10 lbs overweight when I met AH, and I gained it all when I met him, before we got married the first time. We were both working crappy jobs and would meet in the middle of the night for a burger or Taco Bell. I'm not blaming him, just explaining the root of it. I weigh 69 lbs less than my highest pregnancy weight 8 years ago. I'm not an ogre and I believe that I am pretty and attractive even at my current weight.

However, knowing that I wanted to lose weight...do you think AH ever thought about me? Do you think he put one ounce of his time or energy or thoughts into helping me? FARK NO. Not once did he give a darn about my issue. NOT ONE F'IN TIME. I'm not saying it was HIS responsibility...I'm just saying that he never cared enough to support my issue.

I'm angry, can you tell?

I have wasted so much of my life trying to help someone WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE HELPED! He doesn't want to change. He wants to be accepted for the man that he is, and that's NOT GOOD ENOUGH for me, or for our children.

I wish, truly wish I'd spent that energy on myself. I don't ever expect to wear a bikini again or anything, but I am bound and determined to be at a healthy weight a year from now. I'm starting a food journal today and a God journal. I am WORTH IT. My kids....they're worth it. They deserve to have the very best Mommy I can be!

This realization has been painful, and it really ticks me off (at myself), but I know it's inevitable to face them as I grow.

Thanks for letting me share.

Sunny

YellowRed

Hey Sunflower - you need to do just that: turn your face to the sun - a very appropriat name you've given yourself. Sometimes part of our own recovery is realising that you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. You sound like you have taken a first step in a new phase in your life. Re-read your message - sounds like you are finally doing what is the best thing: looking after YOU and your children, rather than trying to help someone who doesnt want to be helped. You're doing great. Don't give up on yourself - you still have a whole load of hope and the rest of your life ahead of you, and great kids. What's not to love about that? After you stop being angry with yourself and everything else which comes to mind, you'll see what a waste of time and energy anger is and how much you can accomplish when you turn that energy into positively helping yourself. Start from the inside. You're hurting right now, and I really feel for you (I know the private hell you're gong through/have been through) but I wanted to say that you sound like you're on a great new wavelength. Hold that thought and look after YOU. Best of luck.

sunflowerintx

YellowRed,

Thanks for your kind words.

I'm moving forward. I'm taking steps to go back to school and get my life on track without AH. I truly don't see him in my future as sick as he is.

I'm not giving up on myself...I intend to live to my full potential and leave a legacy of two fantastic human beings!

Much love,
Sunny

YellowRed

Sounds like you're doing great Sunny. Just keep on that path and I know you'll come out shining.

lovtolaff

Didn't that feel GREAT to just get all of that out? lol

I too spent A TON of wasted energy on my xabf...and yeah 3 months out and I still get pi$$ed at myself. But I'm doing better. I'm thinking of ME now and what it is that I want - it's been two years since I could focus on me and now it's time to get back to the ME that we all know and love.

Do the same for yourself - focus on YOU.

LaTeeDa

Its a process.....

Looking back, I can clearly see it. While I was there, it wasn't so easy to see. First, I was angry at him for what he did to me. Then, I was angry at me for what I allowed. At some point, I began to forgive him and realize he didn't do it to me, I did it to myself. Then, further down the line, I began to forgive myself.

For me, I had to spend sufficient time going back over the past, sifting through it, taking the lessons, making sure I understood. That's what it took for me to be able to stop living there (the past) and start living in the now.

I used to wish I could just "get over it" and move on. Now I understand that it took all of it to get me to where I am now. And I can honestly say, there's no place I'd rather be.

L

denny57

I'm with LTD. It took awhile, but I've come to accept that we are 2 flawed people who did not belong together.

queenteree

This must be the "process" everyone always talks about. I feel the same way, and I must add that I am now actually grateful for all I went thru all those years. It made me who I am today. Sunny, you're such a strong woman and such a wonderful example to your children. You go girl!

veryrestless722

what do you mean by the back and forth? if you dont mind me asking how long were you separated during those times? my husband and i have done the back and forth for 7 years now, we are currently separated now, i cant imagine 20 years of it

i wouldnt worry about your weight, i weighed the most i ever weighed when i got married in '02, except for now, and thats because im 8 months pregnant, but i was always paranoid about my weight, although i find its very easy to lose weight when your not with your AH, but they aint gonna help you lose weight, my husband would always talk me into eating when i was trying to lose weight, just because he wanted to eat lol he was the worse thing for me when i tried to lose weight, and now that we are separated i cant lose weight cause im pregnant go figure! so maybe if you quit focusing on him you'll see that you can lose weight alot easier

sunflowerintx

How long were we separated? Physically anywhere from 30 minutes (he'd drive off and come back) to several months. However, the longest we've gone without any contact is about 5 or 6 weeks.

Yeah, I don't recommend doing it for 20 years!

:crazy