Hi, I'm new here (long)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: spokane WA
Posts: 14
Hi, I'm new here (long)
I'm 30 years old and I've been married to a functional alcoholic for ten years. We have 4 children together - they're 9, 7, 4, and 9 months. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband works for a furniture delivery company.
I grew up in an alcohol-free house. My mom is extremely religious and believed alcohol (like rock music and pg movies) was evil. The only time I ever saw anyone drink was when we'd go to my dad's family's for holidays. They were all alcoholics and drank like fish. So I thought there were only two extremes and had no role modeling for moderate drinking. My father was a recovering alcoholic. As far as I know he never drank but he was extremely abusive to me. My mother homeschooled me even through high school, we lived in the middle of nowhere, and I was really sheltered.
I met my husband in my first year of college when I was 18 and he was 21. At that point I'd only tried drinking a handful of times at parties. We were at a christian college which banned all alcohol, cigarettes, etc. AH started buying a six pack for us to share almost every night. We would sneak it out to a field and lie out there drinking and talking for hours.
When summer came I moved across the country with him to his home state. At this point nearly every date had centered around alcohol. I assumed that was how normal people did things. My husband was increasingly controlling - I had no access to money, the car, etc. We continued to get drunk in our own apartment every night up until I found out I was pregnant. Beer smell was my worst morning sickness trigger and even now I can't smell it without feeling like I'm going to puke.
My husband drank through my pregnancy and I didn't. Watching him, I saw how he drank more than others and become embarrassed at his behavior. After the baby was born I was soon forced into being the sober, responsible one. He saw no reason we had to be sober to watch the baby so I had to.
Three years later we had another baby. His drinking had increased a lot - a new 12 pack every night - and he started becoming angry with me for little things. He would drive us drunk and refused to let me drive. If he was angry he would drive recklessly to scare me. After he punched a hole in the wall next to my head I left.
Two days later he had talked me into coming back. I wanted counseling and no alcohol. He wanted to cut back on drinking with a promise to try counseling later if we needed it. He won. I did do one good thing in taking control of our finances so I wouldn't be begging for candy bar money anymore.
I'm sure you know how it went. He promised to stick to one 12pack a week. Pretty soon I got suspicious and started marking his cans. He was keeping another case in his trunk and sneaking new ones into the refrigerator. When confronted he outright lied and tried to convince me I was crazy. Eventually I burned out on fighting it and decided to ignore it.
So now it's been 7 years and 2 kids since then. He's still drinking like a fish and binge drinking to an embarrassing level at family events. We'll go to an afternoon barbecue at his mom's house and he'll pull out a bottle of jack daniels and try to convince everyone to drink, then drink the entire thing himself. Everyone else either doesn't notice or pretends not to.
He is always pushing me to drink, but the more he drinks the less I want to. He says I am no fun anymore. Fun=drunk to him. He acts like a drug pusher with the alcohol.
We were working opposite shifts because we couldn't afford daycare. I have decided not to go back to work because I started getting really scared that he would drink so much while watching the kids and then "fall asleep" while they were still up.
We had our daughter's birthday party at chuck e cheese's last month. He spent the entire time with a beer in his hand. By the end he was really irritable and ended up sitting in the car and letting me round up the kids and get them out. He was so mean and I was completely embarrassed in front of everyone. The next day he said he felt I was being annoying on purpose to make him angry.
He cleaned out his SUV two months ago and I saw him sneak two empty 18pack boxes into the garbage bag. I checked last night and there are 7 empty ones back there. One has 6 empty cans in it. I really want to confront him and see what the excuse is for that. I'm guessing he'll say sometimes it's just too hard to carry that heavy beer case all the way into the house so he grabs one at a time. I really hope he's not drinking before work in the parking lot. He could get a DUI for the empties but even if I pointed that out I already know he would blow me off and act like I don't know what I'm talking about.
He got his own credit card a few months ago after I told him he must use his tip money from work for beer and cigarettes because we can't meet our bills even without those expenses. I got the latest statement and in the past month he has spent about $800 at gas stations. To keep that in perspective, his income was $1700.
He plays WOW and drinks all the time. That's all my kids ever see him do. He never plays with them. We never go anywhere. He gets irritable and yells at them or spanks them because they are too noisy. He talks to me like he hates me. Then just when I start thinking divorce he reads my thoughts and turns on the charm.
He doesn't really act drunk and I usually can't tell when he's been drinking. He "takes a nap" for a few hours every day. Sometimes he pukes because he "must have eaten something bad." Spends a lot of time on the toilet, too. In the past month he's started taking rolaids like candy. He says if he had to live without drinking he would kill himself because life would be so boring. His grandpa chewed tobacco and drank a fifth of whiskey every day and lived past 80, so obviously it's good for you.
I'm thinking of trying an al-anon meeting. I believe there is an afternoon one once a week I could go to while my three oldest are in school. It doesn't say beginner - is that okay? Is it okay to bring the baby? What happens there?
I grew up in an alcohol-free house. My mom is extremely religious and believed alcohol (like rock music and pg movies) was evil. The only time I ever saw anyone drink was when we'd go to my dad's family's for holidays. They were all alcoholics and drank like fish. So I thought there were only two extremes and had no role modeling for moderate drinking. My father was a recovering alcoholic. As far as I know he never drank but he was extremely abusive to me. My mother homeschooled me even through high school, we lived in the middle of nowhere, and I was really sheltered.
I met my husband in my first year of college when I was 18 and he was 21. At that point I'd only tried drinking a handful of times at parties. We were at a christian college which banned all alcohol, cigarettes, etc. AH started buying a six pack for us to share almost every night. We would sneak it out to a field and lie out there drinking and talking for hours.
When summer came I moved across the country with him to his home state. At this point nearly every date had centered around alcohol. I assumed that was how normal people did things. My husband was increasingly controlling - I had no access to money, the car, etc. We continued to get drunk in our own apartment every night up until I found out I was pregnant. Beer smell was my worst morning sickness trigger and even now I can't smell it without feeling like I'm going to puke.
My husband drank through my pregnancy and I didn't. Watching him, I saw how he drank more than others and become embarrassed at his behavior. After the baby was born I was soon forced into being the sober, responsible one. He saw no reason we had to be sober to watch the baby so I had to.
Three years later we had another baby. His drinking had increased a lot - a new 12 pack every night - and he started becoming angry with me for little things. He would drive us drunk and refused to let me drive. If he was angry he would drive recklessly to scare me. After he punched a hole in the wall next to my head I left.
Two days later he had talked me into coming back. I wanted counseling and no alcohol. He wanted to cut back on drinking with a promise to try counseling later if we needed it. He won. I did do one good thing in taking control of our finances so I wouldn't be begging for candy bar money anymore.
I'm sure you know how it went. He promised to stick to one 12pack a week. Pretty soon I got suspicious and started marking his cans. He was keeping another case in his trunk and sneaking new ones into the refrigerator. When confronted he outright lied and tried to convince me I was crazy. Eventually I burned out on fighting it and decided to ignore it.
So now it's been 7 years and 2 kids since then. He's still drinking like a fish and binge drinking to an embarrassing level at family events. We'll go to an afternoon barbecue at his mom's house and he'll pull out a bottle of jack daniels and try to convince everyone to drink, then drink the entire thing himself. Everyone else either doesn't notice or pretends not to.
He is always pushing me to drink, but the more he drinks the less I want to. He says I am no fun anymore. Fun=drunk to him. He acts like a drug pusher with the alcohol.
We were working opposite shifts because we couldn't afford daycare. I have decided not to go back to work because I started getting really scared that he would drink so much while watching the kids and then "fall asleep" while they were still up.
We had our daughter's birthday party at chuck e cheese's last month. He spent the entire time with a beer in his hand. By the end he was really irritable and ended up sitting in the car and letting me round up the kids and get them out. He was so mean and I was completely embarrassed in front of everyone. The next day he said he felt I was being annoying on purpose to make him angry.
He cleaned out his SUV two months ago and I saw him sneak two empty 18pack boxes into the garbage bag. I checked last night and there are 7 empty ones back there. One has 6 empty cans in it. I really want to confront him and see what the excuse is for that. I'm guessing he'll say sometimes it's just too hard to carry that heavy beer case all the way into the house so he grabs one at a time. I really hope he's not drinking before work in the parking lot. He could get a DUI for the empties but even if I pointed that out I already know he would blow me off and act like I don't know what I'm talking about.
He got his own credit card a few months ago after I told him he must use his tip money from work for beer and cigarettes because we can't meet our bills even without those expenses. I got the latest statement and in the past month he has spent about $800 at gas stations. To keep that in perspective, his income was $1700.
He plays WOW and drinks all the time. That's all my kids ever see him do. He never plays with them. We never go anywhere. He gets irritable and yells at them or spanks them because they are too noisy. He talks to me like he hates me. Then just when I start thinking divorce he reads my thoughts and turns on the charm.
He doesn't really act drunk and I usually can't tell when he's been drinking. He "takes a nap" for a few hours every day. Sometimes he pukes because he "must have eaten something bad." Spends a lot of time on the toilet, too. In the past month he's started taking rolaids like candy. He says if he had to live without drinking he would kill himself because life would be so boring. His grandpa chewed tobacco and drank a fifth of whiskey every day and lived past 80, so obviously it's good for you.
I'm thinking of trying an al-anon meeting. I believe there is an afternoon one once a week I could go to while my three oldest are in school. It doesn't say beginner - is that okay? Is it okay to bring the baby? What happens there?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by amberrose 
He is always pushing me to drink, but the more he drinks the less I want to. He says I am no fun anymore. Fun=drunk to him. He acts like a drug pusher with the alcohol.
Al-Anon was a life saver for me, so I highly recommend it. It is recommended to try 6 meetings before deciding if it is right for you.
I also recommend the books "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence" to understand the effect of alcohol on an alcoholic's body and mind.
Educating myself both intellectually and emotionally has helped me understand the disease. I believe the above behavior is an attempt to make his own drinking appear normal - not only to others but to himself. When I finally talked with xAH and used the dreaded "alcoholic" word, the first thing he did was begin to compare himself to our friends - "I don't stagger like K, I don't barf in the bushes like J," etc. Finally, he said, "what are you, an effin doctor?" LOL
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((amberrose))) Welcome!! I could have written your post less a few minor details, 4 kids and all! I think for me that has been the scariest part. The thought of going it alone with kids.....and mine range in age from 16 to 4. The thing is, I have been "going it alone" for a long time, as I suspect you have. Actually the stress of trying to juggle the 4 kids, and keep up the family secret has taken quite a toll on me.
The one thing that I have found is that the healthier I get, the harder things have gotten at home. Come here often for support, and listen closely to those replies that hit a nerve.....there is usually much truth behind them.
Take care, and love on those little ones! They really are a blessing (hence my name "blessed4x"). They are what has kept me going.
The one thing that I have found is that the healthier I get, the harder things have gotten at home. Come here often for support, and listen closely to those replies that hit a nerve.....there is usually much truth behind them.
Take care, and love on those little ones! They really are a blessing (hence my name "blessed4x"). They are what has kept me going.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome Amberrose!
Read through the stickies at the top of the forum, they are wonderful and very eye opening. Al anon will be great for you, and I don't really see any problems with you taking a baby so young! The meetings will, like SR, give you the knowledge on how to help yourself and that wonderful knowledge that you are not alone in this!
One thing that I have learnt is that alcoholics are extremely manipulative and deceptive, but for my own sanity I had to learn how to detach from checking on him, how much he had drank, where he was hanging out etc. The stress and worry was making me very ill, I was very ill when I got here. Thanks to the sharing and advice I have found here, I am a much healthier and happier me!
Keep posting and sharing,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Read through the stickies at the top of the forum, they are wonderful and very eye opening. Al anon will be great for you, and I don't really see any problems with you taking a baby so young! The meetings will, like SR, give you the knowledge on how to help yourself and that wonderful knowledge that you are not alone in this!
One thing that I have learnt is that alcoholics are extremely manipulative and deceptive, but for my own sanity I had to learn how to detach from checking on him, how much he had drank, where he was hanging out etc. The stress and worry was making me very ill, I was very ill when I got here. Thanks to the sharing and advice I have found here, I am a much healthier and happier me!
Keep posting and sharing,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Amberrose! Glad that you found us! 
Sorry that you are going through this right now but you have come to the right place! There is a lot of support here in these forums so please stick around and keep posting.
Al-Anon is a great start and glad that you have decided to go....when I first starting going for almost the first year I sat and listened to everyone in the room. I absorbed so much that way and could not believe that these people just like here at SR had the same thoughts in my head that were trapped!
Yes please check out the stickies there is a wealth of information there and a lot of great books listed in there too!
Keep posting!
Sorry that you are going through this right now but you have come to the right place! There is a lot of support here in these forums so please stick around and keep posting. Al-Anon is a great start and glad that you have decided to go....when I first starting going for almost the first year I sat and listened to everyone in the room. I absorbed so much that way and could not believe that these people just like here at SR had the same thoughts in my head that were trapped!
Yes please check out the stickies there is a wealth of information there and a lot of great books listed in there too!
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
Welcome Amberrose. I could have written your post too. Your own recovery is all going to be so overwhelming to you in the beginning. One thing I had to learn was to take it one day at a time. Don't try to fix it all at once. The people on here are so wonderful. Sometimes you don't want to hear some of the advice, but eventually it will sink in.
I am working on detaching with love from my AH. It is a bumpy road, but thanks to SR I am getting there. I don't post too much, but I just wanted to wish you well, and let you know you are not alone. Keep posting and you will find your way.:ghug2
I am working on detaching with love from my AH. It is a bumpy road, but thanks to SR I am getting there. I don't post too much, but I just wanted to wish you well, and let you know you are not alone. Keep posting and you will find your way.:ghug2
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Welcome to SR! I have been coming to the board for about six months now, and it has hellped me so much. I live with my alcoholic boyfriend, and I am/have been learning to detach (not worry so much about him, and focus more on me), and although I am better, I still have a lot of work to do yet.
My boyfriend also likes to try and make me think I'm no fun. I know better, I am a lot of fun, I have a lot of sober friends that think so, that is just part of his manipulation.
And the stickies are very helpful. When I first started posting here I was so overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't focus on them, they seemed overwhelming, but when I finally took the time to read through them, they really helped me A LOT.
:ghug2
My boyfriend also likes to try and make me think I'm no fun. I know better, I am a lot of fun, I have a lot of sober friends that think so, that is just part of his manipulation.
And the stickies are very helpful. When I first started posting here I was so overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't focus on them, they seemed overwhelming, but when I finally took the time to read through them, they really helped me A LOT.
:ghug2
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
