Kimmieh

My thoughts are with you, Redd!

queenteree

Redd, Don't be too hard on yourself. We all get there in our own time.

LaTeeDa

Redd,

I hope you don't think my posts to you are pressure to leave her. My intent is only to hold you accountable. If you come here and only tell part of the truth, the responses you get will only apply to that part. If you go to your counselor and only tell part of the truth, then there is only such much help the counselor can give you.

But, above all that, I learned that the only way I could change my life from the hell it had become is to be completely and totally honest with myself. That may sound easy, but it's difficult and painful as hell when you have been living in denial for a long time. (for me it was 18 years!)

As far as leaving someone you swore to love and cherish--no one expects you to stop loving her. It's about saving yourself. And most times, disengaging from the addiction is actually the most loving thing you can do.

Alcoholics live in a world of denial. When we prevent the natural consequences of their actions by providing them a "cushion," we help them perpetuate the denial. We help them get sicker and sicker the longer we continue the dance.

I've been saying this to you since you came here, and I will say it again. You don't have to leave to start recovering. In fact, it would probably be in your best interests to start recovery before you leave. What does that mean? Go about your business. Do the things you like to do--without her. Stop having these dead-end, meaningless conversations that only make you sadder and crazier. Do what's best for Redd, and stop trying to convince your wife you know what's best for her. The most important change you can make is not to leave, but to stop dancing.

L

Jazzman

Actually, she left you a long time ago, figuratively speaking. It was a tough pill to swallow when I realized M had her priorities.... and I was not one of them.

I told M couldn't live with her AND her drinking, she told me if I ever forced her to choose, alcohol would always win. She was right and I had to accept it, plain and simple.

My good friend Minnie once said don't make some one a priority if you're just an option.

Mr B

You do it to save yourself from further pain, harm and chaos. You do it because you cannot face life as it currently is for you. You do it because the relationship you're in is not fulfilling for you. You do it because you realise that, actually, you're in a relationship by choice and you have the right to choose to end that relationship if it's not working. You do it because you realise that, no matter how uncertain and scary life on your own may seem, it cannot be worse than what you're living through now.

What she does during the divorce is out of your control. The chances are that whatever she does do won't be as bad as you may fear. One thing that crops up in emotionally abusive relationships is that the abusee ends up feeling that the abuser is verging on omnipotent, that they could destroy the very essence of our lives if we do not do what they want us to do. I certainly felt that way about my XAGF. As time has gone on, though, I realised that the fear of what she could do was ten times worse than the reality. She's not omnipotent. She can't even hold down a job for more than a few months. More importantly, as I am no longer in a relationship with her I feel no obligation any more to sit there and listen to the dumb conversations and the pointless arguments. I've got better, more fun things to do with my time than to waste it talking to a drunk.

I would make one strong suggestion, though - read The Bridge, a modern-day parable by Edwin Friedman. I think it might speak to you and the situation you're in.

All the best,
Mr B.

TooMuch4TooLong

Hey Redd here is something to think about. What can an A possibly do to you that she has not already done? Material things can be replaced and I really doubt any court in the country would give custody to an A mother even in Texas.

Every time you have that conversation with her you are giving her another opportunity to manipulate you and the situation. She already broke the vows when she chose drinking over you. Nothing you do or say will change that. I know it is hard but you have to do what is right for you and your daughter. Peace.