I just figured some thing out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
I just figured some thing out
I just figured out, if you are going to read books on codependencies and abusive relationships, DO NOT borrow a siblings books to read.
I just found some books my sister used when he was trying to get out of an abusive relationship, and one of the books "It's My Life Now" has a section in it where the reader fills in blanks to certain questions. I just read how (in her mind) I abused her with verbal slurs and put downs for the last 47 yrs. I am 47 she is 51. I know that she was really hurting at this time and I am trying to not take it personally, because as we know her feelings are her feelings. But dang if it doesn't hurt, since I don't remember EVER saying the things that are accredited to me.
So, just a word of warning to all those out there, Don't borrow books from siblings or friends if they have interactive questions in them, its kind of like eavesdropping on a conversation that you weren't meant to here.
I love my sister very much and had no idea that this was going thru her mind. I don't understand where all this came from, but I am sorry that she felt that I would hurt her to that extent.
Barb
I just found some books my sister used when he was trying to get out of an abusive relationship, and one of the books "It's My Life Now" has a section in it where the reader fills in blanks to certain questions. I just read how (in her mind) I abused her with verbal slurs and put downs for the last 47 yrs. I am 47 she is 51. I know that she was really hurting at this time and I am trying to not take it personally, because as we know her feelings are her feelings. But dang if it doesn't hurt, since I don't remember EVER saying the things that are accredited to me.
So, just a word of warning to all those out there, Don't borrow books from siblings or friends if they have interactive questions in them, its kind of like eavesdropping on a conversation that you weren't meant to here.
I love my sister very much and had no idea that this was going thru her mind. I don't understand where all this came from, but I am sorry that she felt that I would hurt her to that extent.
Barb
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Do you want to bring it out in the open and have a conversation about this with her?
This is a tough quest. to answer.
Is there some truth to her writing or an area that you would be willing to make amends?
How is your relationship now? Does it need some attention?
This is a tough quest. to answer.
Is there some truth to her writing or an area that you would be willing to make amends?
How is your relationship now? Does it need some attention?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
She is in a very dark place just now. She just got out of a stalker tiype mariage, got a new job, and just got laid off after one year. She isn't talking to anyone right now. When things start to go bad for her she hides from those of us who love her.
History is, she is very much a co-depedent and finds men who she feels need fixed. As far as I know I have never said the things to her that she "remembers" me saying. She is addicted to attention, her words not mine, so when asked for advice, yes I have a tendency to be very honest with my answers to her, while trying to say these things with love. Sometimes she thanks me and sometimes she gets it turned around. I have learned to ask her to repeat what I have said to her just so I know she has heard me the way I meant her to, that way hopefully things aren't misunderstood.
I have say that these were books from a few years ago, since 2000 when we lost our dad to cancer, she has been on a downward spiral emotionally. She divorced her AH of 21 years, got remarried 1 yr later and while on their honeymoon he died of a massive coronary, she then started dating men off the internet and met and married another man (the stalker) lost her job, went into a shelter for abused women, divorced him and is now in a relationship with a RA and just lost another job.
So, maybe at sometime yes I would like to talk to her about this, I don't believe I will. I think the best thing is to let it go, and move on. I have always been a BIG girl and my sister was the skinny one, and now because of stress and finances I have lost alot of weight and she has put it on and I believe it is her own insecurities that are being stated and given my voice. I won't ever tell anyone that they are fat because I heard it for too many years growing up and that is supposedly what I have said to her.
I am fine with it, the part that hurts is she is such a low place and I didn't even know it. I really wish she felt comfortable telling me what she was feeling, at one time we were really close. I would like that back.
Barb
History is, she is very much a co-depedent and finds men who she feels need fixed. As far as I know I have never said the things to her that she "remembers" me saying. She is addicted to attention, her words not mine, so when asked for advice, yes I have a tendency to be very honest with my answers to her, while trying to say these things with love. Sometimes she thanks me and sometimes she gets it turned around. I have learned to ask her to repeat what I have said to her just so I know she has heard me the way I meant her to, that way hopefully things aren't misunderstood.
I have say that these were books from a few years ago, since 2000 when we lost our dad to cancer, she has been on a downward spiral emotionally. She divorced her AH of 21 years, got remarried 1 yr later and while on their honeymoon he died of a massive coronary, she then started dating men off the internet and met and married another man (the stalker) lost her job, went into a shelter for abused women, divorced him and is now in a relationship with a RA and just lost another job.
So, maybe at sometime yes I would like to talk to her about this, I don't believe I will. I think the best thing is to let it go, and move on. I have always been a BIG girl and my sister was the skinny one, and now because of stress and finances I have lost alot of weight and she has put it on and I believe it is her own insecurities that are being stated and given my voice. I won't ever tell anyone that they are fat because I heard it for too many years growing up and that is supposedly what I have said to her.
I am fine with it, the part that hurts is she is such a low place and I didn't even know it. I really wish she felt comfortable telling me what she was feeling, at one time we were really close. I would like that back.
Barb
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I come from a place where my family gave me alot of messages that, when I was younger, hurt me very deeply and helped mould me into the person that I was and still am to some point where I had very litle self esteem, could not stand up for myself, and allowed myself to be talked down to by almost everyone and felt I was not accepted if I was myself.
I have attempted to speak to my family over the years, at their request because they wanted to know why I was so depressed, what did I want to talk through in therapy I couldn't discuss with them etc?
What I learnt during these conversations is that, my memories from my childhood are not theirs. Things that happened and were personality defining, emotionally scarring etc to me, where just meaningless piffle to them. They don't remember saying half the things they did that scarred me so deeply, simply because they had no idea their words had such impact on me and their intention was never to hurt me.
My sister and I had a recent clash on this type of issue a few years ago. One issue that was felt by me and not by her was that I fell pregnant at 17. When i told my family I wanted to keep my baby, my sister who was living at home and sharing a room with me stated she was moving out because there was no way she was ''sharing a room with a screaming brat'', I still have the vivid memory in my mind. She left few weeks later to move in with her boyfirend at his parents house to sleep on a sofa for 2 months until she got a place.
I was scarred by this incident. It hurt me that she would so rudefully insult my unborn child, and I carried around the feeling for years that my actions and choices had meant my sister had to prematurely leave home, that she felt so repulsed by my baby that she wanted to get away from it. I was 17, afraid, lonely and sad.
As I got older I understood why she made the choice she did, but I could not forget the pain her words caused me.
When she fell pregnant with her children, it all came out. She could not even remember saying that, and had no idea how I had felt all those years. We talked about it and cleared the air. After years of distance between us due to my hurt and her non understanding, we now have a very close relationship again.
Memories are strange things. All of us remember only those things that meant something to us - good or bad. It is possible that you have said something trivial in passing, and due to your sister's insecurity or own fears, this has become a meaningful episode in HER life story.
I would treasure that book, it is an insight into your sister you would not normally have had. A chance to understand her on a deeper level, and to, if you wish it, create some bounds between you by reaching out to her. From your account, she sounds as though she needs to have some healing things happen to her.
Above all don't be angry with your sister for her feelings, which are after all like clouds that hide the sun, which is always there beneath them, and clouds can pass to reveal it once more.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have attempted to speak to my family over the years, at their request because they wanted to know why I was so depressed, what did I want to talk through in therapy I couldn't discuss with them etc?
What I learnt during these conversations is that, my memories from my childhood are not theirs. Things that happened and were personality defining, emotionally scarring etc to me, where just meaningless piffle to them. They don't remember saying half the things they did that scarred me so deeply, simply because they had no idea their words had such impact on me and their intention was never to hurt me.
My sister and I had a recent clash on this type of issue a few years ago. One issue that was felt by me and not by her was that I fell pregnant at 17. When i told my family I wanted to keep my baby, my sister who was living at home and sharing a room with me stated she was moving out because there was no way she was ''sharing a room with a screaming brat'', I still have the vivid memory in my mind. She left few weeks later to move in with her boyfirend at his parents house to sleep on a sofa for 2 months until she got a place.
I was scarred by this incident. It hurt me that she would so rudefully insult my unborn child, and I carried around the feeling for years that my actions and choices had meant my sister had to prematurely leave home, that she felt so repulsed by my baby that she wanted to get away from it. I was 17, afraid, lonely and sad.
As I got older I understood why she made the choice she did, but I could not forget the pain her words caused me.
When she fell pregnant with her children, it all came out. She could not even remember saying that, and had no idea how I had felt all those years. We talked about it and cleared the air. After years of distance between us due to my hurt and her non understanding, we now have a very close relationship again.
Memories are strange things. All of us remember only those things that meant something to us - good or bad. It is possible that you have said something trivial in passing, and due to your sister's insecurity or own fears, this has become a meaningful episode in HER life story.
I would treasure that book, it is an insight into your sister you would not normally have had. A chance to understand her on a deeper level, and to, if you wish it, create some bounds between you by reaching out to her. From your account, she sounds as though she needs to have some healing things happen to her.
Above all don't be angry with your sister for her feelings, which are after all like clouds that hide the sun, which is always there beneath them, and clouds can pass to reveal it once more.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Lilyflower, I am not angry at her, she is 4 yrs older than me and has gone thru alot in the last 8 years since our dad passed away. When we have talked about things before, she brings stuff up that happened when I was only 2 or 3 that of course I don't remember but she might because she is older. Also, I have been a Big girl my whole life and she hasn't until now, and one of the things I supposedly said to her was that she was fat.Now, coming from a childhood of being made fun of for my size, I would never say this to anyone. I just think its sad that she can't move on and release the toxin that has been building in her since that time. I believe the tools we get either early on in life or now as we are older should help us to grow. And I feel if she is still harboring these feelings this long after (I am 40+ and she is 50+), I can't help but feel sorry for her. There is no way for her to move on and achieve peace if she is stuck in the past.
The only reason I posted this was so others don't fall into the situation I find myself in, and that is being privy to information that I am sure she thought was going to remain private. If she found out that I have read these things, she would be very upset and I don't want that to happen to anyone else.
So, if I can I want to warn others so they aren't put in the dilema I am in right now.
Barb
The only reason I posted this was so others don't fall into the situation I find myself in, and that is being privy to information that I am sure she thought was going to remain private. If she found out that I have read these things, she would be very upset and I don't want that to happen to anyone else.
So, if I can I want to warn others so they aren't put in the dilema I am in right now.
Barb
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