Poppys12

Hello,

Im not quite sure where to start or what to say but I have just registered on this website and thought it could help to tell you why im here. I can appreciate that some of you may even be in a similar position and i would love any advise on what I can do...

I am 22 and my dad left us when I was four. As far back as I can remember, mum has been an alcoholic. I never noticed so much at first, what with being so young, but it came increasingly apparent as I grew up. I would beg her not to turn up to parents evenings drunk, but she still did. She continued to go about life as though she could pull the wool over peoples eyes about her drinking. She has lost two jobs, her driving licence, most of her friends, her looks, she has had many accidents due to this and also has a bad kidney and skin condition which she is adament has nothing to do with alcohol but i have reason to believe other wise. She drinks from the moment she wakes to the time she cant lift her eye lids anymore. She never goes to the pub, but prefers to drink indoors or shall will put it in plastic bottles in her handbag when she leaves the house. She has humilliated me and angered me to the point of sheer heart ache. My brother ignores this and we dont really see him so my only other family is my nan and she is too old to be burdened with my thoughts.

I have shouted, screamed, talked, cuddled, cried my heart out and asked her 'why?'. I have ignored her, and taken the time to listen to her but i get nothing. She has done 3 terms at AA and is still in her original state.

It breaks my heart. She is an intelligent and articulate woman when she isnt under the influence of vodka or wine, shes a loving, caring, generous and sweet mother but I cant stand her other 'drunk' side. I know she can go sober, she has occasionally done so for 2 and half weeks as her longest time. But she will always go back to drinking.

I am all she has to look after her. But I am so so emotionally drained I dont know what i can do. I want to just walk away from her and wash my hands at times but i cant because i love her and if i do she will have no one. I pray to God for a miracle that never comes. Please, someone help me. What else can I do? I just dont think i can stand this any longer.....

Thank you

Kimmieh

Poppys, I am so sorry you are going through this! Has she ever tried treatment centers an an in- or outpatient?

And could you see a counselor to discuss this? I think it's great that you care about your mom so much, but you cannot do so at the expense of your own well-being and happiness. Do you still live with her?

This is a great place to get support and advice!

mushroom

Welcome to SR, and so sorry you need to come here.

Many of us here have been or are in similar situations.

If you walk away from her, she will not be left with 'no one' as you fear. She will still have herself, after all, and she is an adult. And, if you believe in such things, she will have her Higher Power, which you might call God.

Check out the Adult Children forum, which is part of this same group. It's specifically for people raised by alcoholic parents. We all have gone through the same thing you're in now. You are her child, not her mother, not her Higher Power. You are not responsible for taking care of her when she drinks. That's inappropriate expectations. At 22, you should be living on your own, not with your mother. It is not your responsibility to stay with your mother and take care of her when you have your own life ahead of you, and she would be able to take care of herself if it weren't for the alcohol. That doesn't mean you can't be kind to her, or care about her, but she cannot expect you to take care of her.

So that's the first thing you can do, is to convince yourself that there is nothing you can do that will fix her! and that you are not helping her when you keep propping her up! and that screaming at her and asking her 'why' will get you nowhere you want to be. She can't tell you 'why', she probably doesn't know herself, and it's not about you anyway, so don't think that it's anything you did that makes her drink, or anything you can do that will make her not drink.

Read other's postings here and on the Adult Children forums, and there's lots of books on the subject of codependence and family dysfunction which you may find helpful - check the Stickies at the top of the forum page for recommended readings. And you might want to look into going to Al Anon meetings and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings too, many people find those helpful at getting their feet back under them and pointed in the right direction.

Alcoholism is a demon you can't fight alone.

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Change it (it being her drinking).

Poppys12

Hi Kimmieh and mushroom,

Thank you for your replys. Yes, i do still live at home, although I will be moving out with my boyfriend soon. I dont feel like i prop her up, i usually just walk away from her, but thats hard.

Thank you for the tips. i will go onto the Adult Children posts and check them out now.

I wonder, do treatment clinics cost alot of money? I guess that is something we havent tried. And I know your right mushroom, about it not being my responsibility and my mother is an adult herself. Its just I cant help but feel that if i could only help her get better, life would be so much better for the both of us.

Thank you both again for replying to me and for your advice :-)