havingnepiphany

Ok- Im trying to understand the A BF.He was in recovery for 15 years. After 10 years of persuing me, he won! We wanted to get married.
He started growing cold towards me in 2/07 after a script of vicodin, told his adult siblings of alcoholic family that I was a 'temporary thing'. 3/07 he started drinking while we moved to new place. He cheated in 8/07 & moved 50 miles away to be closer to work & went to rehab in 10/07.
He swore that there was no one else, I was the only one. He would come into town to see his family, but never me.
At his insistance, I went to see him in 5/08 for my b-day. I found womens clothes, broken necklace in his bed, claw marks on his back, his checkbook (in conversation) with $$ towards other women, etc. I feel like he set me up to find this! These were people he met in rehab (said they were 'more vulnerable') & drove all over to see them! They were WAY older than me, drinking & destitute.
It happened several times over a month & caused GREAT anxiety for me. I would get to his house (after his constant invites), got the cold shoulder,told to leave, even called the police on me!
I felt hate for the first time in my life. He was the most beautiful man I had ever met. Then I saw the most horrible person ever.
I saw a therapist, attended AA (al-anon isnt enough for me) read the big book, etc.
His brother phoned me out of concern & told me that it wasnt me, that BF was bi-polar as well. His brother didnt know what the BF was thinking, & 'would give anything to be with me, as would most men'. He knew as well as I did, rock bottom was close for BF.
It hit him a few weeks ago. A DUI. After much coaching (& bribes) from him, sponsor & family, I'd help if it meant he wanted to get better. Right now he is in rehab.
After being support for BF, he told me that he's done drinking (he tried a couple times since I found out how bad he was & didnt talk to him or take his calls). He said that he loves me, was sorry (for the first time), never stopped loving me, blah blah blah.
I should add - he never drank in front of me or talked to me while he was drinking.
My question: Should I trust him again? I dont know if I am his last resort. Why is he, all of a sudden, in love with me again? I told him not to worry about 'us', to worry about getting better. He says he wants to be 'free' again from drinking & killing himself. Is this a typical game of alcoholics?
All I want right now is for him to be better. Honestly? I've never cared so much for anyone or believed in 'true love' until him. We fit together so well. He is exactly what I always wanted, minus the betrayal! I would really appreciate some feedback from all. Thank You!

catlovermi

Take a good look at your closing sentence, and get really, really honest with yourself.

Which reality are you subscribing to: the version of him that IS, or the version of him that YOU WISH, that COULD BE?

This is one of the hardest questions for partners of addicts to address.

And now ask this question to your really, really honest self: What do I want my life to be like, and how do I deserve to be treated? -- Maybe imagine yourself as your future daughter, or your dearest girlfriend, being in your situation, and then consider how you would counsel them.

Great job, reaching out for support, and looking for answers!

CLMI

eleanor11

Take a good look at yourself. Don't you deserve better?
Too many alcoholics use this disease to excuse outrageous behaviour.
Look after yourself, cos you're worth it!

Freedom1990

For years, I settled for less than because that's what I thought I deserved.

I do not miss the drama and the whirlwind of emotions that come with 'loving' a sick alcoholic.

havingnepiphany

Hi ! Thanks for your response, but I'm still confused. The person he is? Well, before he drank again, he was everything I wanted. When he started drinking and left, I no longer knew what he was. Now, he seems like the person I met - kind, giving, loving. I believe the sober person IS the person he is. The monster he became while drinking is not the person myself or anyone else came to love.
To answer your second question: What do I want my life to be like, and how do I deserve to be treated? I want my life to be like it was before he relapsed. He was so good to everyone, probably giving too much of himself. I think the pressure may have been too much at times, which may have led to all of this. In considering that the GOOD maybe outweighed the BAD, I would probably tell my daughter, best friend, that bad should be left behind and good should be given a chance. Especially since I'm one of the last ones left to still have hope in his good pulling through. I feel that when you truely love someone, it is unconditional and 'through sickness & health, good times and bad'. Am I looking through 'rose colored glasses'? Am I an easy target? Am I fooling myself? Or do I 'let go & let God' , risking the pain & hurt?

Stubborn1

I read it all but didn't want to read any more past the claw marks on the bed and the evidence so to speak....wth? Should you trust him. NO. No swearing allowed on this board so I can't put a nice bright prefix to that NO!
You might love him but he doesn't love you. What do you love anyway? What he COULD be? You are never going to get that "could be" person.
I'm eight years in with an addict and they only get better and better at reeling us in. No matter how smart or pretty you are.
But.........if YOU want to give it another shot then know that you are doing this to yourself.
Good luck sweetheart. You deserve to not wonder but have love and trust.

totfit

Don't walk away run.

denny57

One of the most painful things I've had to deal with in recovery is why I thought I was so worthless to allow someone to lie to, cheat on, and betray me.

It was also painful to accept the good behavior was to reel me in and the "real" person was who was in front of me, today.

Life is too short to wait for a fantasy to come true. If I die tomorrow, it will be happier knowing I took back control of my life.

Chrysalis123

Why are you one of the last ones left? What do the other folks, some of which have probably known him longer than you, know that you don't?

Ponder this, if no one else could help him why do you think you have the power and love to be the ONE to make a difference?

What about you? Why is it OK for someone to betray you, lie to you, and get another chance? I look at behavior this way:
First occurance maybe a mistake.

Second occurance of same behavior: RED FLAGS WAVING...BEWARE.

Third Occurance of same behavior: This behavior is a pattern and I evaluate if I want this person in my life because this behavior comes along too.

Kimmieh

If he an addict AND bipolar, you have not only one but two problems on your hands. I dated a bipolar man for a while and he was not an addict, but unmedicated and it was a constant roller coaster.

If he is really bipolar, quitting drinking is not enough. He will have to commit to being treated for his illness and stay on his meds for life. Does he acknowledge that he could be bipolar?

GiveLove

epiphany,

Tell me something...and I say this with great love and respect for what you're trying to do: If you had a teenage daughter whom you loved with every ounce of your being, and she came to you with this story of drugs, bipolar, alcoholic, lying, cheating, back scratches, etc etc. and was considering going back to this person by excusing all their behaviors and saying "but he's the most beautiful person I know..." ...........

........what would you tell her? "Sure, go ahead, that sounds like love to me" ? Knowing that any time you're with a substance abuser, there is a lifelong risk of relapse, ESPECIALLY when someone has chemical imbalances that they will have forever? Knowing that drugs & alcohol shouldn't excuse inexcusable behavior? What would you say, if you were trying to help someone you loved?

My XABF too was brilliant, loving, giving, affectionate, handsome, and sensual.

He also went on to put me through the most hellish span of years I will ever spend -- or should I say, I signed up and LET him do that. I think that's what people here worry about. What percentage of our time together will I get Dr. Jeckyll and what percentage Mr. Hyde?

You've put a lot of time, love, and tenderness into your XBF's life. Please be sure you're putting the same amount into your own. I know you have rose colored glasses on, but from this perspective it looks like he does not respect you as a person, and that's dangerous. Protect yourself, whatever you decide to do.

Luck,
GL

prodigal

No.

Perhaps he sees you as the enabler he needs once again. It sounds as if most of the people who know him have bailed.

This concerns me. Minus the betrayal. Trust and honesty are the cornerstones of a good relationship. Betrayal is the polar opposite. I hope you will take some time to read the stickies at the top of our forum, if you have not already done so. Codependents and their addicts DO fit together well. When I realized this, I had to step back and start examining why I was fitting together so well with addicts, abusers, and unstable personalities.

havingnepiphany

No, the person he was while sober.

Stubborn1

Right, that's the person he could be. I also have a wonderful man when he's sober but guess what........they still have all the alcoholic ways to them. Even when they are sober they still struggle with telling the truth, saying things you want to hear. That alcoholic menatlly gets programmed into their sober brain. It will eventually take over that "sober" person as well.
The longer he does this........the more set in stone his behavior will be.:praying

havingnepiphany

Ok, I hope I am NOT making excuses here. But I think a few very important points have been missed by some. I will try to answer your questions, still appreciating any responses given...
"Which reality are you subscribing to: the version of him that IS, or the version of him that YOU WISH, that COULD BE?" - SOBER, he was giving, loving, attentive. My best friend told me today when I told her about this post "what wasnt there to love about him? Everyone loved him. Then he started drinking again"

"Take a good look at yourself. Don't you deserve better?" - Well, HECK YEAH! I had better- when he was SOBER. My standards are extremely high. This person that he became when drunk was completely unknown to me.

"What do you love anyway? What he COULD be? You are never going to get that "could be" person." - I WANT THE SOBER PERSON, not for ME but for HIMSELF. He was a good person.
"I'm eight years in with an addict and they only get better and better at reeling us in.You deserve to not wonder but have love and trust." - Had it, when he was SOBER.
"Why are you one of the last ones left? What do the other folks, some of which have probably known him longer than you, know that you don't?"- The experiance of him drunk for 20 years. I didnt have that experiance with him as long as others did. I only caught a small part of it. My experiance was mostly the good in him, until he started drinking. Once he started drinking, he moved away, I saw it a few times, but didnt live it like others did - I refused and hated it.
"One of the most painful things I've had to deal with in recovery is why I thought I was so worthless to allow someone to lie to, cheat on, and betray me."- OK- once again, I am not deserving of this. I dont 'allow' it. I didnt tolerate it. I experianced it a few times. He knew me enough to keep it far from me. I am deserving of no less than the best. As far as that goes, his good, SOBER side was deserving.
"If you had a teenage daughter whom you loved with every ounce of your being, and she came to you with this story of drugs, bipolar, alcoholic, lying, cheating, back scratches, etc etc. and was considering going back to this person by excusing all their behaviors and saying "but he's the most beautiful person I know..." ...........- I said he was beautiful, then became horrible. He was beautiful-SOBER. I didnt excuse his behavior, in fact- I kept far from it. He chose to drink, he chose to betray. He has chosen to become SOBER again. There lies my dilemma. As far as my daughter coming to me with this, well, lets just say that I tend to protect my people vicously, I have been compared to a mother bear. Lets just leave it at that.
"You've put a lot of time, love, and tenderness into your XBF's life. Please be sure you're putting the same amount into your own." - I am very good to myself. I demand the best from myself and from those around me. He was the best- SOBER.
"but from this perspective it looks like he does not respect you as a person, and that's dangerous." - He moved away, not out of disrespect, but, to hide. I quit taking his calls when I saw what he had become while drinking.
I held him in high standard, as did he -WHEN HE WAS SOBER.
DRUNK- I didnt even know what kind of monster he was.
He says he has a strong desire to be sober again, to be loved by all again, to be free from alcohol again. He is in rehab now.
I should also say this- as far as HIM & I & relationships?- NO. Not now. I need to recover! He needs to recover. I am trying to be supportive. I dont want to continue to feel hate towards him or anyone else. Do I love him? In a way- I love the SOBER person that I admired. I dont want to hate the drunk anymore. I dont want to feel hurt anymore or become bitter. I pity him. I pity what he has allowed himself to become. I dont want to pity him anymore. I want to admire and hold him in a high standard like he was when he was SOBER.

havingnepiphany

"This concerns me. Minus the betrayal. Trust and honesty are the cornerstones of a good relationship. Betrayal is the polar opposite." - Yes, this was the polar opposite of what he was when he was SOBER. Thats why the betrayal was such a shock to me. He was extremely attentive, I had no reason to distrust him. The drinking and betrayal was miles away from me.
"Codependents and their addicts DO fit together well" - what I meant was, we were alot alike. Our own standards. Our standard of living. We had a blast together. I never would have believed he could be such a monster.
"When I realized this, I had to step back and start examining why I was fitting together so well with addicts, abusers, and unstable personalities." - I fit with the person who had been active and in recovery for 15 years. I didnt 'fit with the addicts, abusers, and unstable personalities', I stopped communicating with him once I saw it. He kept it away from me once he became it.
"Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love"- So, as far as having 'faith' in the recovery of an alcoholic or a Higher Power to allow an alcoholic the 'hope' of recovery, we should not 'love' alcoholics who are in sobriety? Because right now, the Love that I felt from him in his 15 years of being SOBER is what allows me to have Faith in God that everything is for a reason, and Hope that he can be the person he was before the alcohol altered his mind.

prodigal

I loved my AH when he was sober. Alcoholism is a progressive disease if left unchecked. The sober man is gone. Dead. The reality of my situation is I am left with a drunk. The sober man no longer exists. His choice. I no longer wish upon a star, tilt at windmills, or keep wishing and hoping he'd change back to what he once was.

Long time comin', long time gone ...

Stubborn1

I can not understand a thing you wrote. You might want to use the quote icon at the bottom of someones post. You came here for help but seem to have it figured out so I wish you luck.
Good luck getting HIM sober. His drinking is a part of him now and always will be. If he is an alcoholic, he always will be. There is nothing special about your alcoholic. We all had good men sober as well hun.
Best wishes.

YellowRed

Wow havingnepiphany, read back your last posts and see how defensive they are. Many people who have made comments here have done so as a matter of their own experiences. no one can tell you how to live your life and whether you are making the right decision or not, but you were the one who came to this forum, posted a thread and asked people for their views. Then didn't like what you heard. No one here knows your BF so people can only comment on your post.

It took me years to realise that the person by STBXAH was when sober just wasn't coming back. Even after he went into rehab and had been sober for some time, i found that there was a part of him which I didn't like when he ws drinking had remained when he was sober (selfishness). Not saying it's like that for you or that your BF wont be able to recover. However, there are lots of 'flags' in your posts which people have commented on and may well be right.

Remember, you came and asked for views, which indicates that you're not 100% sure you're doing the right thing. Who are you justifying yourself to in the most recent posts? Yourself?

havingnepiphany

Sorry, the quote isnt working.
I DONT have it figured out- thats why Im here. I said I think I missed some important things, like the fact that while he was sober he never gave me a reason to doubt. When he drank (the past year) he moved away and hid his behavior.
As far as ME getting ANYONE sober- had I known I possed the power to do that, I wouldn't have gone through all of this. (teasing)
Right, his drinking is a part of him - a part I never knew of. I dont know alcoholism. Never experianced it or been close to it before. Had I known about AA or his past recovery, I would have been more supportive from the begining.