Summer2008

Based on experience from those that have done this when is the best time to talk to bf about the amount he drinks and how his continued drinking will be our relationship killer.

We went on a weekend getaway the end of August and to me it seems like he has been drinking even more since then. He has hurt himself several times (hit his head on a 2 x 4) that was over hanging from his truck, fallen off the 4 wheeler, hit his hand with a hammer, got sick to his stomach once that I am aware of...(the injuries were not intentional, just adding this because I don't want it to sound like he is one to intentionally hurt himself)

I have noticed the flowers outside are dying, the cat's water bowl is has dirt in it. This is so unlike him. His house is spotless on the inside.

We do not live together and most weekends are spent at his house so it feels strange to tell him basically he can't drink at his house while I am there. Often during the week I will also spend a night or two at his house.

I want to share my concerns with him and hope he at least will listen instead of being defensive.

I feel like he is on a downward spiral and I know I need to step out of the way and hope maybe he will reach his bottom, I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.

I've been thinking also maybe my "addiction" to him is as strong as his addiction to alcohol. Anyone else ever feel this way?

Lawless

I am in the same boat exactly, the only difference is that in my case it's a GF.

Tonight she blew up at me, I came to spend the weekend with her. She accused me of coming there to control her. I packed my stuff and left. She has been sober since Sun night and was trying to get me to buy her a beer at a nearby bar, she lost it when I refused.

I left and told her I am not controlling you at all, I am going home and you do as you wish.

Her home hasn't been comfortable to me for a while now and tonight's episode has sealed the deal for me. I will never put myself through that ever again. If and right now it's a big if, I don't dump her, she will have to stay at my place period. I will never set foot on her property ever again, I will never ever help her with her house ever again.

She will have to get sober first and stay that way for a very long time for me to ever reconsider my decision.

prodigal

I certainly have. It's called codependency, and I was raised by my parents to be RABIDLY codependent. I didn't even have to know a man was abusive, an addict, or a control freak; I would glom onto that type of man and fall madly "in love" with him. At that point, the power struggles would begin; my sense of worth would hinge on the man's mood-du-jour; I would do things I truly did not want to do; I would give in for the sake of peace-at-any-price. I was codependent. And I was addicted to all sorts of addicts.

If you have a talk with your bf about your concerns regarding his drinking, he may get defensive, he may cry, he may admit he has a problem. From my own experience, talk is cheap. I watched the A in my life repeatedly tell me he has a "drinking problem." The bottom line is, he NEVER took the initiative to do something about his "problem."

I finally decided to leave him and his problem on his side of the street and clean up the mess on mine. I have been in counseling for over four years. I have been on this board for over four years. I started attending Al-Anon in 1996.

I wish discussing what bothers us with an addict would clear the air. Unfortunately, it doesn't tend to play out that way. When and how to talk to an alcoholic? From my own personal experience, "never" was the ultimate answer from just another fruitless, crazy-making, go-nowhere conversation ....

blessed4x

Thank you for that. I agree. Every conversation I've had has left me questioning my own sanity. I can be staring at an empty fifth or a trash can full of empties and he can, in an instant, convince me he just had "a beer or two."

prodigal

blessed, I know exactly what you mean. I used to look off to my left or right side at the invisible guy sitting beside me, and say, "HUH???" My AH would tell me stuff with complete conviction and darned if I didn't believe there was a kernal of truth to it. I don't understand the way A's can twist things around to the point that they drive us crazy, we think we're crazy, or we just plain go crazy - but they can.

Then I had my epiphany, and my ah-ha moment came when I finally realized that keeping my opinions - ANY opinions - on his drinking, not drinking, whatever drinking - to myself was the only way to sanity. I also distanced myself and just let him do his "thing." Yeah, he does some pretty looney stuff, but it is HIS stuff; not mine.

It took me years to arrive at this point. I get on with my life, my business, and leave him to do whatever he so chooses.

Summer2008

Prodigal, I agree talk is cheap and it's the actions that matter the most. I think the biggest thing I'm thinking is after being in someone's life for two years I would want them to have the common courtesy to at least talk to me about problems, concerns or whatever was on their mind that had the very high probability of ending the relationship. I wouldn't want to wake up one day and never see them again and not know why. I'm trying to extend him the same courtesy that I would want.

It's not that I believe (although I can wish) that anything I say to him will make a difference, yet I don't ever want to wonder "What if"..what if he did listen. What if it did make a difference? Yeah I know there are tons more what if's that everyone could add here.

I do plan on talking to him and I want to be prepared on how to do this in the most efficient, loving way possible without becoming emotional when I do. I have come to the point of when he's talking often I will be thinking to myself "Quack, Quack, Quack", I never use to do that before I started coming here. Any suggestions?

denny57

I thought the same after 20 years.

If I could go back and do over, I'd say it once and then take appropriate action. Why would I need to have the conversation more than once? By having it multiple times I only let xAH know I had no intention of ending the relationship.

It all comes down to one thing for me: fear.

NoelleR

OK, let's see an overview from your original question and some of the responses you've received so far.............:

"...Based on experience from those that have done this when is the best time to talk to bf about the amount he drinks and how his continued drinking will be our relationship killer...I've been thinking also maybe my "addiction" to him is as strong as his addiction to alcohol..." ---- you're absolutely right, he is your 'addiction.'

"...it's the actions that matter the most. I think the biggest thing I'm thinking is after being in someone's life for two years I would want them to have the common courtesy to at least talk to me about problems, concerns or whatever was on their mind that had the very high probability of ending the relationship..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"...If you have a talk with your bf about your concerns regarding his drinking, he may get defensive, he may cry, he may admit he has a problem..."

"... When and how to talk to an alcoholic? From my own personal experience, "never" was the ultimate answer from just another fruitless, crazy-making, go-nowhere conversation ...."

"...Then I had my epiphany, and my ah-ha moment came when I finally realized that keeping my opinions - ANY opinions - on his drinking, not drinking, whatever drinking - to myself was the only way to sanity..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, okey dokey there.....lots of good stuff. I really had to chuckle a wee bit when I read what you wrote, Summer2008, "... I would want them to have the common courtesy..." ......LOL ...... I always see the terms 'common courtesy' as an oxymoron.....courtesy just ain't so common nowadays....lol....and besides, even if there were such a thing, A's just wouldn't have it..... )o:

Now, back to the serious stuff here.........yes, there's a lot of good stuff here. Of course if you're going to have a talk with your 'A' be sure that it's at a time when he's sober, if only for the start of the convo.

I think the main thing, at least as far as I've experienced it is that in a conversation with an 'A,' it's best to keep your conversation all about you, and how his actions are affecting you.....if you don't, it may sound like if he doesn't change that your relationship will be over. He may take that as confrontational and become defensive. BUT, if you keep it about you and how it all makes you feel, and how if it continues as it is, then you may have to distance yourself from the whole situation.....clear....?

I just send lots of good thoughts 'n prayers your way...... (o:


NoelleR

prodigal

What if, unfortunately, isn't what IS. Addicts are not known for being courteous, commonly or otherwise. Addicts avoid. They don't discuss their problems and concerns with others. They certainly are masters at projecting their own self-loathing on their victims; however, owning up to their own problems, concerns and issues? I don't think that's going to happen. An addict uses to avoid just such things.

My AH "listened" to me for years. He did nothing about his addiction, but he appeared to be listening. When I realized the actions did not match up with the talk, I got back on my side of the street and left him alone.

I certainly understand that you want closure in this situation. That is a normal desire. We want to know that we said what we felt needed to be said, and that our partner heard us. Therein lies the problem: they really don't hear what we are saying or validate it.

I wish you the best of luck in talking to him. Please let us know how it goes.

blessed4x

Summer,
You might try journaling. Write down the thoughts you want to express and that will help you be more concise. I get what you mean about wanting him to at least be aware of where you stand, then it's up to him. And I would suggest talking at a time when he's not been drinking.

I found that trying to convey my concerns was met with either anger or excuses (denial). Pretty typical from what I've learned here. And to answer your first question, my addiction to him/obcession with his drinking was every bit as strong as his is to alcohol.

So Tired

When and how to talk with an alchoholic? You don't. They embrace their addiction, and it's their obsession. You aren't. There's not a selfless bone in their bodies, but plenty of selfishness.

I dated/cohabitated with an alcoholic for ten years, then married him five years ago. My husband was/is a binge drinker. He was sober for four years before I married him, so I thought he had a handle on it. Then out of the blue he went on a month-long toot. As far as timing, it couldn't have been worse. My son had just informed me that he had MS, and that ripped me apart. He went on two or three more binges after that. I've found that threatening, weeping, logic, and reason don't budge them.

When AH goes on a binge, he often goes into a stupor, eyes rolling up in the back of his head, lying in bed for days on end sleeping. The smell of him makes me want to wretch, and I can't go near him without wanting to gg. I sat with him this last time and munched away on my popcorn, watching TV. Unbeknownst to him, I filled out a form the DMV has for reporting someone who drinks while driving or who's too old or reckless, etc. He has gone before the DMV twice, and the final decision was "No action at this time." If he does it again, I'll fill out the same form and make a call. He's a retired deputy sheriff and drives when drunk, and for that alone I'd like to see him get hauled in and serve some time. I even reported him to the police, but to no avail. The man is 70 years old! The end result is that I've become as indifferent as he is, nor do I have or feel the least bit of compassion for him. He disgusts me. If it weren't for my age (65) and financial status (don't have enough in my 401(k) to retire yet), I'd have dropped him flat on his butt and left after the first binge. Horrible as it seems, I was hoping this last time that he would finally just get on with it and drink himself to death.

We're pleasant to each other despite the fact that I've emotionally removed myself from him. Fortunately or not, I think he's simply too shallow and selfish to even notice.

laurie6781

I've been sober and clean now over 27 years.

My honest answer............................................ when the alcoholic has found THEIR OWN BOTTOM and has AT LEAST 1 YEAR of RECOVERY and their ACTIONS show they are in recovery.

Until then, IT'S WASTED ENERGY.

RUN. Save yourself from the heartache that so many others have already shared here on SR.

J M H O

In lieu of running away from him, run to ALANON.

Love and hugs,

YellowRed

Yep, that was me too. I did it all; dragged him to marriage guidance counseling, took him to psychiatrists, doctors therapists; threatened that the relationship would be over. He never beleived I'd realy leave him so just made empty primises he had no intention of keeping. Got him into rehab; he relapsed a week later "I had a glass of [name that drink]" which was probably a pint glass of hard liquor. I finally left when I realised he was never never never going to change however much I wanted him to.

We are now going through divorce and have been separated for several months. he still doesn't seem to believe I have left him. What a wierd disease.

loner1968

Wow So Tired...Your post really hit me. I feel bad that you can't retire. I wish you could get away from him.

Summer2008

Thank you to each and everyone that took the time out of your day to respond to my question. I am listening and trying to learn.

I am trying to learn to make my decisions based on today. So as of today I have not tried to talk to abf about how his drinking affects me. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and quite frankly I am going to try not to think about it today.

equinessa

Hi everyone, i am new to this forum...... new to actually participating anyway. I have been reading in the wings for about three months. I LOVE this program (al-anon), and sometimes I want to scream at those that tell me truths I just do not want to hear......because I would rather focus on my AHs (now attending AA) drinking, not drinking, sleeping, not sleeping, .....whatever, rather than keep my mouth shut and focus on my own behaviour......why is it so difficult? Anyone got the answer to that?

In answer to the original post, I tried everything from ultimatums (still do on a bad day), threats of throwing him out, dobbing him to the parole board for DUI, screaming, manipulating, all of the above............but it doesn't work. I stumbled into the loving arms of al-anon and just cried for weeks, everytime I tried to open my mouth, I got choked up with rage, fear, and a dash, a big dash of self-pity....(I still do). But I heard in that first meetin one sentence and it has kept me coming back for more. that sentence was "nothing you do do or you don't do will make him drink or not drink"............

This one sentence was my ticket to freedom and I grabbed it with both sides of my brain. It has sort of become my serenity prayer because I am not sure what serenity actually is as a feeling. I doubt I have ever felt it. But if I keep going to my meetings I am sure I will experience it someday.

And like the poster above I am sad for So Tired. In fact I identify with you, as my AH is also a binge drinker and boy oh boy, do I know the eyes rolling back in the head, the stench, the derelection. Anyway thanks for listening and thanks for being here.

denny57

Welcome, equinessa, glad you're here!

blessed4x

ditto!!

equinessa

Wow! I just flicked over to another thread and came back and here are two replies, Yippee! Thanks for replying. I must sound sooooo green, but that's just because I am, green as grass in spring in Ireland. But having said that think that I am getting a bit of a handle on the first step.

This story is not on the topic but when I came out of my first Alanon meeting and my AH came out of his AA meeting and I was driving us home he turned and asked "how was it?".....I was in a daze and completely blown away because the reading said that I am not the responsible for him or his behaviour. I turned to him and said "it was mind blowing, really mind blowing"............he looked incredulous saying "Why?"...... I answered very slowly "because I just found out I am not the reason you drink"......his answer was a big fat silence........not a word all the way home. Then at home in the kitchen, me with my back to the sink listening to the beautiful words of the meeting still in my head he speaks........."thanks for going for me"..........he looked askance when I told him that it was about me, I was going for me, not him.

When I shared that story at the next al-anon meeting everyone laughed with knowing looks on their faces.

Where have you all benn all thhis time. I feel like I am home.

CarolD

Why not write him a letter so you can get your concerns
in a factual concise way?

I hope you can find him sober enough to pay attention.
Best of luck...