Recognising verbal abuse
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
Mine made so crazy that I was directly verbally abusive. I called him names, yelled, went crazy and felt crazy. Was pretty sure that I was crazy. Looking back it's such a smack in the face to realize that was exactly what he wanted me to do. So he could sit there looking shocked and so aloof as to why I could possibly be harboring SO MUCH negative emotion. If I knew then what I know now I would've never given him such satisfaction. At least I am armed with the knowledge to be able now to root out these types of people and never tolerate the same behavior again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I don't know why I never saw this post before now.
The link to the emotional abuse descriptions fit Deceased AH to a "T."
We were married almost 25 years, and in year 25, I was asking for the same demonstrations of consideration as in year one.
I blamed the alcohol for along time, but only recently began to consider that separate from the drinking, he kind of had a mean streak.
The link to the emotional abuse descriptions fit Deceased AH to a "T."
We were married almost 25 years, and in year 25, I was asking for the same demonstrations of consideration as in year one.
I blamed the alcohol for along time, but only recently began to consider that separate from the drinking, he kind of had a mean streak.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
"Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack, any sign of "guilty" feelings or weakness in a partner is like blood in the water for sharks, when it comes to abusers. Of course, according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by changing HER behavior. "
But even when you do finally 'capitulate' you are still wrong - how does that work? The argument still goes on only now it's about why do you all of a sudden agree with him!
But even when you do finally 'capitulate' you are still wrong - how does that work? The argument still goes on only now it's about why do you all of a sudden agree with him!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Poole
Posts: 32
OMG so when I confronted my ABF about how at times he's been so extremely rude to me and he asks for examples, which I give, and then dumbfounded he denies saying it at all, says he would never be as rude as that and that if he did say it he was joking. It certainly wasn't said in a jokey tone and not just a one off either! So it's all part of emotional abuse then, denying they have even done it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Poole
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by lillamy 
Yes. And he probably also tells you to not be so f***ing sensitive?
Been there, done that. Yes. That would be abuse.
Been there, done that. Yes. That would be abuse.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Yelling is also verbal abuse.
Originally Posted by loobylue
I hope no one minds me posting this, but it wasn't until recently when I read about verbal abuse and added that information to what I had read here that I finally got the last piece of the puzzle in place of what has been happening to me all these years, I am just starting to wrap my head around it, I had been lead to believe I was oversensitive, couldn't take a joke, a killjoy even, he seemed to like everyone else (down the pub anyway) so what was up with me? Anyway, these were just a few points to consider...
EVALUATING YOUR EXPERIENCE
He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week or more although you hadn't meant to upset him. You are surprised each time. (He says he's not mad when you ask him what he's mad about, or he tells you he's not mad when you ask him what he's mad about, or he tells you in some way that it's your fault).
When you feel hurt and try to discuss your upset feelings with him, you don't feel as if the issue has been fully resolved, so you don't feel happy or relieved, nor do you have a feeling that you've kissed and made up (he says 'you're just trying to start an argument!' or in some other way expresses his refusal to discuss the situation.
You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can't get him to understand your intentions.
You are upset not so much about concrete issues - how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vacation etc - as about the communication in the relationship: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
He rarely, if ever, seems to want to share his thoughts or plans with you.
He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost anything you mention, and his view is not qualified by 'I think' or 'I believe' or 'I feel', as if your view wrong and his right.
You sometimes wonder if he perceives you as a separate person.
You can't recall saying to him 'cut it out' or 'stop it'.
He is either angry, or has no idea of what you are talking about when you try to discuss an issue with him.
EVALUATING YOUR EXPERIENCE
He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week or more although you hadn't meant to upset him. You are surprised each time. (He says he's not mad when you ask him what he's mad about, or he tells you he's not mad when you ask him what he's mad about, or he tells you in some way that it's your fault).
When you feel hurt and try to discuss your upset feelings with him, you don't feel as if the issue has been fully resolved, so you don't feel happy or relieved, nor do you have a feeling that you've kissed and made up (he says 'you're just trying to start an argument!' or in some other way expresses his refusal to discuss the situation.
You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can't get him to understand your intentions.
You are upset not so much about concrete issues - how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vacation etc - as about the communication in the relationship: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
He rarely, if ever, seems to want to share his thoughts or plans with you.
He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost anything you mention, and his view is not qualified by 'I think' or 'I believe' or 'I feel', as if your view wrong and his right.
You sometimes wonder if he perceives you as a separate person.
You can't recall saying to him 'cut it out' or 'stop it'.
He is either angry, or has no idea of what you are talking about when you try to discuss an issue with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Poole
Posts: 32
Thanks Earthworm. It happened again yesterday, it's insane. Although as usual I'm left feeling like if I hadn't asked what I asked it would never have happened, I've successfully been accused of making him out to be the bad boy and he's said he's done and will speak to me when he's no longer angry. What happened? He message'd Friday night saying how he struggles staying sober where he lives (because it overlooks all the local bars so he gets to see all the weekend party goers!) then the following morning he message'd to say he was at a meeting. I've not known him to get up and go to a meeting on a Saturday morning in the 18 months I've known him so I was a bit surprised by this and, given what he'd said the previous evening, I asked him if he'd drank, also adding don't get mad. That was it, he was furious! I called him to try and diffuse the situation but he just yelled down the phone at me about how out of order I was for accusing him of drinking (which I hadn't done I'd just asked!) and hung up then sent me a message saying he was done. I haven't heard from him since.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
This is very timely to be brought front and center again.
not just from partners who are abusive to their girlfriends and wives/husbands, but adult children who are abusing their PARENTS.
chic, I believe that your son told you he was "frustrated" before he screamed at you that you were *evil* F and C words.
not just from partners who are abusive to their girlfriends and wives/husbands, but adult children who are abusing their PARENTS.
chic, I believe that your son told you he was "frustrated" before he screamed at you that you were *evil* F and C words.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Poole
Posts: 32
Not my son Fandy, my ABF, or should that be ex ABF! He's now applying pressure about the relationship and whether we split or not as he 'has a life to get on with'. Exactly what he did last year when I could take no more. In no time at all he was on dating websites but when I cleared off and dated someone else he went nuts!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
What does that mean:
A strong wish to get away,yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen.
Does that mean at the time of the verbal attack or just in general because we end up feeling so twisted up inside?
A strong wish to get away,yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen.
Does that mean at the time of the verbal attack or just in general because we end up feeling so twisted up inside?
Originally Posted by loobylue
Also, a few feeling based observations which struck a chord with me too
Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
Being caught off guard.
Feeling disconnected, confused, disorientated.
Feeling off balance, like the rug has been pulled from under one's feet.
Receiving double messages but somehow unable, or fearful to ask for clarification (or asking for clarification and not getting it).
feeling generally bugged by the simple presence of a person.
To discover that one was mistaken in one's evaluation of where one stood or what it was about.
Feeling totally unprepared for a broken promise or unfulfilled expectation.
Experience the shattering of an important dream.
Where one assumed good will, ill will seems to prevail.
One feels pushed around, not in control of one's direction.
Unable to get off redundantly spinning circles of thoughts.
What seemed clear becomes muddled.
An uneasy weird feeling of emptiness.
A strong wish to get away, yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen.
One is befuddled, not able to attack the problem.
Feeling vaguely suspicious that something is wrong.
Feeling that one's world has become chaotic.
Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
Being caught off guard.
Feeling disconnected, confused, disorientated.
Feeling off balance, like the rug has been pulled from under one's feet.
Receiving double messages but somehow unable, or fearful to ask for clarification (or asking for clarification and not getting it).
feeling generally bugged by the simple presence of a person.
To discover that one was mistaken in one's evaluation of where one stood or what it was about.
Feeling totally unprepared for a broken promise or unfulfilled expectation.
Experience the shattering of an important dream.
Where one assumed good will, ill will seems to prevail.
One feels pushed around, not in control of one's direction.
Unable to get off redundantly spinning circles of thoughts.
What seemed clear becomes muddled.
An uneasy weird feeling of emptiness.
A strong wish to get away, yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen.
One is befuddled, not able to attack the problem.
Feeling vaguely suspicious that something is wrong.
Feeling that one's world has become chaotic.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
