Curve Ball
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Curve Ball
Interesting thing happened last night. The AW didn't drink a drop. Of course, she was sick, but usually sick or not she drinks.
She's not working a program of any sort, so I'm not optimistic. I just curious about how the weekend is going to go.
Redd
She's not working a program of any sort, so I'm not optimistic. I just curious about how the weekend is going to go.
Redd
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
Redd stand your ground . its just one day outta how many she has , hoping for the good in this for you. but dont let down your defences youve worked so hard to gain. :praying
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My ex did this many times the last few months we were together, whenever he felt I was close calling the police to have him thrown out because he was on a binge he would stop drinking for a few days or just sneak a few, one time he went 9 days without a single drink (yes he went through horrible withdrawals only to pick up again). Not that it mattered much because I had already made my decision.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
when I was actively drinking, i could and would stop during times that I felt big changes were afoot and where i needed to pay closer attention. I never wanted to lose the illusion that I was in control. As soon as things settled down I'd settle back into drinking.
Your AW may be trying to control her drinking as a way to allow herself to be able to continue. If she can control it like this, she really isn't an alcoholic, right? (hypothetical question. Answer: wrong)
Your AW may be trying to control her drinking as a way to allow herself to be able to continue. If she can control it like this, she really isn't an alcoholic, right? (hypothetical question. Answer: wrong)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm not going to wonder what the weekend will be like. Instead, I'm going to focus on today and what I can do to improve my life.
I'm grateful I don't let someone else's actions/inactions dictate my thinking.
I'm grateful I don't let someone else's actions/inactions dictate my thinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
Ok, sounds to me like you are just waiting and possibly wanting drama.
The three C's apply here. You can't control her, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure her. Yet she's living in your head RENT FREE.
Stop anticipating what she will do, or what your weekends are going to be about. Concentrate on yourself, and what kind of weekend you are going to have. Because in all honesty that's up to you.
The three C's apply here. You can't control her, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure her. Yet she's living in your head RENT FREE.
Stop anticipating what she will do, or what your weekends are going to be about. Concentrate on yourself, and what kind of weekend you are going to have. Because in all honesty that's up to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Yes,
I realize its harmful to let someone else's actions dictate your actions. I'm not letting my defenses fall, nor am I going to drop my plans.
You guys did tell me what I needed to know. I really appreciate the input from RA's. I do have the suspiciaon that she is getting scared, but not committed to her recovery. If other A's have done this behavior as a manipulation tactic, then I needed to know that.
The weird thing about all of this is that she hasn't had any withdrawal symptoms as of this morning, or they may be masked by her flu. I don't know.
Redd
I realize its harmful to let someone else's actions dictate your actions. I'm not letting my defenses fall, nor am I going to drop my plans.
You guys did tell me what I needed to know. I really appreciate the input from RA's. I do have the suspiciaon that she is getting scared, but not committed to her recovery. If other A's have done this behavior as a manipulation tactic, then I needed to know that.
The weird thing about all of this is that she hasn't had any withdrawal symptoms as of this morning, or they may be masked by her flu. I don't know.
Redd
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
From what I have seen an A that becomes a dry drunk never really lasts. My AH went a few months without drinking and slowly relapsed. Without help and getting the support and to the root of the issues they generally don't last. This is just buying her some time with you.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
She would love to convince herself and anyone else that's watching, that she can drink in moderation. Se knows the real deal and will some times even silently admit it to herself.
I'm not sure if I've seen all your posts so I was wondering if you have considered a professionally led intervention including other family members?
I'm not sure if I've seen all your posts so I was wondering if you have considered a professionally led intervention including other family members?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Redd, I have to say this outloud. She has seen the boxes and confronted you about the packing so I see the recent behaviour as manipulation (IMHO). My XABF did the same thing to me but he also added in cleaning the entire house, doing dishes, laundry and leaving fresh picked flowers on the table with a note. Thank goodness I saw it for what it was really worth! The only time he did these things for me was when he was scared or when he KNEW he had really screwed up. He knew exactly how to pull my heart strings and until this last time, it always worked for him.
Once things settle down, it will go back to what it has been. Please stay strong and take care of yourself and YOUR feelings.
I will also say, once I finally broke free of the A in my life, my life has slowly changed dramatically for ther better. I still think of him, but I KNOW I have done the right thing. This has been one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Once things settle down, it will go back to what it has been. Please stay strong and take care of yourself and YOUR feelings.
I will also say, once I finally broke free of the A in my life, my life has slowly changed dramatically for ther better. I still think of him, but I KNOW I have done the right thing. This has been one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
could it be the drinkers flu???
I had this thought too- or that she may be drinking today, just enough to keep the shakes off, they are very good at hiding/stashing just enough.
Doesn't matter - I say ditto Mair
Why let her behaviour dictate your happiness?
Detach from where SHE's at. Stick with your plan.
Peace & :praying
B.
I had this thought too- or that she may be drinking today, just enough to keep the shakes off, they are very good at hiding/stashing just enough.
Doesn't matter - I say ditto Mair
Why let her behaviour dictate your happiness?
Detach from where SHE's at. Stick with your plan.
Peace & :praying
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
A intervention would make her go nuclear, so to speak. She has this overwhelming need to hide things from other people. Her self image is so fragile, that anything (even things outside her drinking) that contradicts that image is a threat that must be destroyed. It leads to some behavior that is totatlly nuts.
One of the possible things that she might be doing today is moving out. Not that it matters, but its the sort of thing she might do.
Redd
One of the possible things that she might be doing today is moving out. Not that it matters, but its the sort of thing she might do.
Redd
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Isn't it odd how we can live through months/years of bad behavior, then one tiny little break from it, and all of a sudden maybe there's hope. My AH once stopped drinking for 4 months. Or, as far as I know he stopped. Nothing changed. The unacceptable behavior continued with a huge helping of resentment piled on top because I "made" him stop.
If you change your course of action based on this, she will know that all she has to do is throw you a bone now and then, and you will comply with her wishes. It's not a pleasant way to live, is it?
L
If you change your course of action based on this, she will know that all she has to do is throw you a bone now and then, and you will comply with her wishes. It's not a pleasant way to live, is it?
L
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Oh... no its not a pleasant way to live, which is why I'm not buying into things... It will happen as it will happen, and its not something I can stop. I have the right to live a happy and fufilling life.
This is exactly what I wanted. By knowing what other people experienced in situations like this, I have a better idea what to expect. I don't have to keep re-inventing the wheel.
Redd
This is exactly what I wanted. By knowing what other people experienced in situations like this, I have a better idea what to expect. I don't have to keep re-inventing the wheel.
Redd
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Thanks Redd for posting, it's this kind of "thinking out loud" that helps all of us who are still struggling with life with an active alcoholic. I also have found that now that the heat is on for my AH the house has been clean, laundry done, dinner on the table and he is oozing with charm. It would be so easy to get sucked back in if it weren't for the insight of those that have gone before us!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Its like the battered wife syndrome, after they knock you for six, they buy you gifts, say sorry you know they love you right? Do the dishes, clean up, treat you sweeter. then when you are back in your comfort zone, they hit you with another bout. It is the game played by manipulative people to keep you hooked, keep you thinking that perhaps you are doing something that is causing all of this? - NOT!
As to the fact she is having no withdrawal symptoms, it could just be that she is hiding the occasional quick drink. My exabf (not recent one, but from years before) had whiskey bottles behind the sofa, in the gas cupboard, behind the water heater, in the toilet cistern, inside planters under the plants, I found a small one under my kitchen sink stashed behind stuff, they put them everywhere and anywhere.
Could also be that the alcohol levels are still high enough right now. When this same exabf of mine would quit he wouldn't get shakes for a few days, then they would kick in badly along with the stomach cramps.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As to the fact she is having no withdrawal symptoms, it could just be that she is hiding the occasional quick drink. My exabf (not recent one, but from years before) had whiskey bottles behind the sofa, in the gas cupboard, behind the water heater, in the toilet cistern, inside planters under the plants, I found a small one under my kitchen sink stashed behind stuff, they put them everywhere and anywhere.
Could also be that the alcohol levels are still high enough right now. When this same exabf of mine would quit he wouldn't get shakes for a few days, then they would kick in badly along with the stomach cramps.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness 
Redd, I have to say this outloud. She has seen the boxes and confronted you about the packing so I see the recent behaviour as manipulation (IMHO). My XABF did the same thing to me but he also added in cleaning the entire house, doing dishes, laundry and leaving fresh picked flowers on the table with a note..
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