bmjkbear

I am new to this site and fairly desperate for advice and answers. My father is an alcoholic and he has been struggling with his addiction for years. He first lost his vocal cords to this addiction in 1998 because of cancer. He recovered but several years later again began to drink. He has been in rehab, we've had him institutionalized, he at one point was going to AA but stopped long ago. A year ago he began drinking excessively again and he again was diagnosed with throat and mouth cancer, largely caused by his excessive drinking. He had a highly invasive surgery which removed most of his tongue to get rid of the cancer, and the surgery was a success, however because he was depressed because of his increased difficulty communicating he again began to drink heavily and the cancer came back again, the worse the cancer got the more he drank, the less he ate, and the more he helped the disease progress. Finally this past summer we got him into a program of chemo and radiation because he said he seriously wanted to try to make this work, so he went through the treatment and recently finished. The doctor said as far as he can tell it was fairly successful, but as always with cancer treatments there is always the danger of recurrence. Despite his promises to try to live a healthy life he is again drinking heavily and refusing to eat, he is too weak to do much, and keeps my mother up all night with his drunken rants. I recently moved at the end of the summer to take a job in another state, so my mother is left at home to deal with him. I don't know what to do. She wants to have him committed which I think is a good idea, but she doesn't know how to go about it or how to ask anyone. He is literally killing himself by drinking, and we don't know what to do. Please any advice or help would be sincerely appreciated. We've gone through all of these treatments and he's just throwing it all away again.

Thanks so much
KB

Barbara52

Welcome. I am sorry you are in the midst of all this.

Getting someone committed varies from state to state and can be very difficult. You might want to start by talking to a family law attorney and finding out what is possible.

Stubborn1

Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. It's sad to hear. It sounds like he's just at his wits end and feels he has nothing to live for. He has been eaten by cancer and probably figures "why not".
I don't know your father but I assume if you had him put away he would probably fail to thrive that way.
Help your mother do whatever is best for her. Good luck. I wish I had more suggestions for you.

bmjkbear

thanks to the two who replied

I'm not going to lie though... i thought people here would be less self righteous and more willing to give advice.

Aside from the two responders all i've seen in most of the other threads are people bitching at or glorifying people who make decisions to ditch their a's but not actually any concrete support. I guess if you make the decision to let someone kill themselves by leaving them to their alcoholism you need support, but what about people who actually try to stay by their family rather than abandoning them.... any takers?

I know sometimes the best decision one can make for an alcoholic is to let them realize their own mistakes, but I am not in such a position, because the point of realization would be death.

i'm sorry if this sounds cruel to the many people who have made the choice (and probably in many cases the "right" choice for them) to write alcoholics out of their life, and let them fall into ruin by themselves. But my mother and I long ago did not make that decision and we are now again stuck with my father who is dying, refusing to eat, and we are quickly losing options. I agree with stubborn1 institutionalization might not be the right idea because he will not be happy there, but does any one have suggestions of how to get him to at least eat.

justanothrdrunk

One thing I've learned in my years in AA and limited involvement with Al-Anon, as well as experience with other alcoholics is that I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

On this message board, you're probably going to get that sort of reply in a variety of ways, all with the same theme.

You're in a tough spot, no doubt about it. And I empathize. If there was anything I could tell you that would work - give you what you're looking for, I would.

In my experience, actively using alcoholics are clinically insane. There is no reasoning with them. Logic doesn't work. And they never see the harm they are causing anyone else.

The only thing I can think of is to simply call the police when he's drunk. It is legal in many areas to detain an individual when they are drunk in their own home. Laws vary by state and the result may not always be the same. But depending on where he lives, chances are good that he will be brought to a local detox or hospital. From there, discussions may be had with the health professionals on staff regarding committal.

Bernadette

Whoa whoa-- easy does it there bmjkbear!!

There is lots of support here for those who stand by family members. Your definition of standing by family members may be a little narrow. Take it easy- read some of people's histories. People on this board have been through the ringer over and over with their trying to "help" the loved alcoholics in their life. Often to the point of endangering their own mental, physical and financial health, not to mention their children's mental health.

So please walk a mile.....and don't take out your frustration in not being able to get your father to do what you want him to do on the good people here.

It is just exactly that isn't it- how do we GET THEM to do what WE want them to do.
It's for their own good!
It's for their own health!
It's the right thing to do!

And yet we find we cannot MAKE THEM do anything! And we get ourselves all in a twist trying this way and that way and gettting ever more frustrated. Yes alcoholism is fatal if untreated. But there has to be some compliance on the alcoholics part in order for health and sanity to be restored...and again there's the problem: How do we MAKE them comply, paticipate, accept help?

I have found (and I know I am not alone) that I cannot make any adult do anything they do not wish to do. And that in fact, said adult has a RIGHT to handle THEIR life as they choose. Now I can choose to believe that and do what I can to support my alcoholic loved ones with love and compassion. Or I can think "There must be something I can DO" and choose to spend my precious life on an endless treadmill of dead ends and disappointment, frustration and drama.

If your intention is to get your father committed then you need legal advice which no one here is technically allowed to dispense. Just open the phone book, a lawyer will talk for probably 15-20 minutes or so free of charge. Or call your local Department of Mental Health in his state. They'll know how it works.

If your intention is to get help for yourself, for how this disease of alcoholism is upsetting your life and disrupting your mental health then there may be some wisdom for you on this board.

Some people think standing by alcoholic family members means doing things for them that they simply must do for themselves. It is called enabling. And until I accepted that every time I "rescued" one of my brothers from some crisis I was basically putting another drink in their hand, and bringing them one drink closer to death. Enabling kills. Believe it. Ask any recovered alcoholic.

Are you open to attending AlAnon? Or read a book like "Under the Influence."

Educate yourself as best you can about the realities of addiction. Learn ways of being supportive that do not enable the drinker. Your father has complicated health issues that would be difficult to navigate with or without alcoholism. You're dealing with end of life issues and alcoholism and verbally abusive behavior. I hope your mom can get some counseling too.
Best of luck-- keep posting and reading-- we have collectively seen everything on this board - so you are not alone in your anger and frustration.

Peace-
B.