Rainbowsend

Seek validation through drunken bums?

Sane, sensible people trying to gain a sense of self worth though others that given a different scenario we would't give the time of day to their opinions.

For me it was a lack of self worth, God knows why! as I'm outgoing, positive with a good job (no one steps on me at work) I love life and have great kids. Actually I do know why, dominating father and Codie mother, shame it took me all these years to suss it out. Glad I found SR, can now see the wood through the trees and have a grasp of why I've MADE myself a victim over all these years

Stubborn1

I was drinking and hanging out when I met my ah. So we were drinking and partying together. I didn't realize he had any problem until I got pg and I stopped. He didn't! By then I was willing to do whatever it took so my child would have a father.
Then I was pg with twins shortly after and still hung up on the fact that he had the whole world and THAT would make him stop.
I had to learn the hard way but it only made me stronger and I now I know what I DON'T want.
I quit being a victim a long while ago. It didn't look good on me

Barbara52

As I look back now, I can see a pattern of seeking validation from a variety of unhealthy relationships, not just my xAH.

In my younger days, it was seeking validation thru being seen as sexy and desirable which led to unfortunate choices in men who used me as an easy lay. At other times, it was lowering my standards for who who acceptable.

I have come to understnad that a great deal of the unfortunate choices in relationships had to do with my childhood and being in a dysfunctional family with 2 alcoholic parents. I had a broken picker.

Its fixed now.

Rainbowsend

Barbara, the easy lay thing is ringing bells for me.

Validation to a point. Had 3 dates since leaving exab,1st had one topic of conversation, when can we go back to yours, 2nd; spent a nice evening, icing on the cake was, "if we meet up after work again would you be adverse to booking a hotel" 3rd was like a rabbit in the headlights, soooooo shy, 5 words in a sentence was a big deal.

Lets just say a repeat performance isn't required. Hey, I've got to the realisation I don't care if they want to see me again, if I want company that much I'll get a cat!!!!!

lizw

I came from a crazy family who had too many kids and not enough money, not enough love and not enough room in the house for us all.

My parents behaved like children themselves, fighting and arguing all the time so when it came to caring for myself and my brothers and sisters, there was no time or energy left to give us, so I adjusted myself to get attention, which to me was love, in other ways.

By the time I was 15 I think I'd already slept with 15 different guys, some 3 x my age.

Being in a relationship where someone ignores me, puts me down and is demanding is what I am use to. While it hurts it is comfortable as this is what I know.

I've never had a 'loving' relationship because I wouldn't have been able to stand it. It would have felt too weird.

These days? I dunno. I've been single for a year and done a lot of work on myself so some days I can clearly see the purpose of having a relationship is based on being a companion, not to 'make me feel better' or to fill the viod created in childhood.

I am really grateful I have learnt things I can do to validate myself, rather than looking for a man to do it.

denny57

In my case, he wasn't a drunken bum. He was fun, smart, became very successful, etc.

I don't try to understand why I chose an alcoholic because I don't define him as that (though it would appear so on this board). I am working on understanding why I chose to stay with someone who verbally and emotionally abused me.

LaTeeDa

Interesting that this thread should show up today as I was just ruminating over this very subject last night.

I find it facisnating that I "needed" someone else to "make me" feel confident and sexy, when really those feelings were within me the whole time. I just didn't trust myself enough to believe they were true.

L

Rainbowsend

Funny too that you were ruminating this today, I'd just come to the realisation that I feel far sexier and desirable now when I don't have a man or too many chasing than I probably have in all my life (40 next month whooo hoo, big party) I've got real picky and I like it :-)

LaTeeDa

And towards the end, I felt anything but confident and sexy..............

Rainbowsend

Goodness, me neither, took me a while to realise I was just going through the motions, to be honest if my love life was on tape it would be anti porn, nothing erotic at all, just codie me trying to keep him happy at any cost