NYC_Chick

I'm not completely sure, but I've been thinking about it, mostly because of recent events.

I think I finally understand that my ex is lost to me forever. I think I was in denial about this for a long time. I spoke to him recently. He told me he was dealing with some health issues and that one of those issues had to do with his liver. He was diagnosed with colitis at the beginning of the summer. At the same time, they did liver tests. They told him that he may have a terrible disease, he could die from it, but he just couldn't remember the name of it. Of course, I didn't put my 2 cents in to say what I thought it was. So, he called to tell me he didn't have the terrible disease. He still couldn't remember what it was called, only that a famous baseball player or other sport figure died from it. Um.....Mickey Mantle (sp?) died of cirrhosis. Maybe it was that disease. Who knows. Anyway, my point being, he STILL wants to drink.

During the conversation he wanted to know if we could be together again. I told him he knew what my boundaries were and that I realized what I was worth now. He then said he didn't think he was ready to be in any relationship. Interesting...he wants to reconcile, but doesn't want me anyway.

I am trying to decide if I feel rejected over this and want to date because of that, or if I'm just ready to be in a different place with a different person. I know now what a healthy relationship should look like, so I would like to try to find that, but there is the tiniest piece still holding me back. Maybe it's just fear of ending up in another relationship like the last one, filled with lies and manipulation. Also, I miss having sex on a regular basis. There was a strong physical connection between us and he was never drunk around me, so it didn't factor in at those points, at least not to me.

I guess I'm still somewhat confused. I talked to my therapist about this and she doesn't think it's a bad idea if that is what I want to do, however, she cautioned me to take things slow, go have fun on several dates, and avoid the insta-relationship type of men.

I'm leaving for Europe on Monday night. I'm going to take some time while I am there to think about this and try to decide what to do. Who thought deciding to date again would be so confusing?

Any advice from those who have crept out into the dating world would be appreciated : )

wish he'd quit

I can't say that I have been on an official date since splitting, but I have gotten together with some good male friends of mine for dinner just to catch up. Yea one of them is an ex from when I was in high school but I would never consider dating him again. I have to say that it felt good to go out and have fun. There were no expectations and I enjoyed the company. It was also nice to have someone buy me dinner and enjoy an evening that was alcohol free and I didnt have to be a taxi driver. I to feel that I am ready to date, but its going to be a long time before I enter into a long term relationship. Right now I am just concentrating on having fun and being a good mom.


Hope you have fun in Europe too! What a wonderful place to be able to go and have time to think about things.

HopeTo180

NY,
I've been on Match for almost a year now and each time I get close to a date I cancel. I think I'm too spoiled to share myself now. I keep trying to figure it all out but, in the mean time, I'm busting with happiness!

Lizziesd

Yeah...I am going through it. I can't really say I am dating because all I am doing is talking and meeting these guys for coffee. I have not had any second dates because I had no interest in doing so because I am very cautious now and I ask questions and I see the red flags. I am glad that I am doing this because it allowed me to leave my house and talk with people and not mope around the house. At least I got out and you know what, some of the guys I talked to were wise and we talked about previous relationships and I learned from their wisdom. So, no it wasn't a waste of time. It was needed for my healing. However, I don't think that I am ready for a relationship right now. As long as you don't get involved too quickly and just have fun and talk and get to know more than one individual....you'll be OK.

peaceteach

I think it's great that you are feeling more whole, NYC. And I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping yourself open to the idea. I also believe the universe will provide for you when the time is right. Have a great trip, and keep yourself healthy and happy. Your HP knows what you need, and will show you the way when the right "he" comes along. I agree with your therapist also, avoid the insta-relationship and just enjoy the dating with someone, or several, healthy guys.

cagefree

NYC - your therapist gave some real good advice. I tried dating and got discouraged in the beginning - once I got out of my own way, I realized it's about having fun and meeting new people - not about diving into immediate committment and always focusing on the other person (as I did in past relationships).

The onyl advice I can give is to look for red flags, codie signs in yourself and relax - the same stuff people told me.

Let us know if you go on a date!

justaboutus

I have no advice because I'm not there yet. I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way you do. I wonder if I'll ever have a normal relationship again. How did this one get messed up so badly? The idea of dating actually makes me a bit sick to my stomach right now... I share your concerns though.

SugarLily

I'm in a new relationship.

I didn't wait that long, 3 months if I'm honest. However I feel that my relationship with the ex was over a long time before we split. It was volatile, it was painful, all I did was cry.

I didn't go out looking for anyone new. He found me. I remember saying that I wasn't ready to be with anyone since splitting with the ex. He understood. Then crazily - I kept bumping into him. Random places. One was in the supermarket queue. I just had unbelievable butterflies, literally shaking. I found him so attractive. He was pleasant to speak to.

Eventually we did agree to go on a date. I reasoned with my close friend that its just a date. It doesn't mean I have to get married. It doesn't mean anything serious. It's just an experience. I couldn't understand why he liked me as my confiidence was eaten away. I was petrified but decided to go for it.

Its the best thing that has happened to me. He knows about what happened with my ex. I try not to speak much about him as he isn't a part of my life anymore. But my partner and I know mutual friends with my ex and he's heard some of the things he did.

He's the complete opposite to my ex. Never before have I met anyone that I can be so open with. I remembered one night he told me that I was gorgeous, I told him I didn't agree. He said "Whats he done to you?" Meaning that he's taken away my confidence. I cried.

This isn't to mean a partner is the answer, hell I still have work to do regarding how I view myself and why I accepted and remained in an unhealthy relationship for so long. But I'm grateful I did step out there and agree to meet him.

HopeTo180

There is a new world-wide trend. The majority choose to remain single. Companionship is the greatest need for us humans. Male or Female, happiness seems to out-weigh companionship. If you look at the odds against you, you stand a better chance (at happiness) alone. Sex does seem to change everything. Ownership comes into play. If there was a way to remain 100% true to myself, I would jump at the chance for a relationship. Maybe there's a level I could commit to, but not exceed. For me, I know when emotions come into play, any preset guidelines go right out the window!

LaTeeDa

For me, recovery means learning to behave in healthy ways in relationship to other people. That starts, first and foremost, in having a healthy relationship with myself. But, that's only the first step.

My friend Minnie once likened it (recovery) to getting a brand new dress. You feel beautiful and confident when you wear it, but if you never leave your apartment in it, what's the point? LOL

The real test of recovery, IMO, is how we put it into action in our lives. And, for most people, part of that involves romantic encounters. It's like you study your brains out for a while, but the test is when you actually put yourself out there.

In my experience with dating, I found that I wasn't quite as recovered as I thought I was. I found myself attracted to someone waving a lot of red flags. LOL But, I did recognize them (not immediately) and extricate myself from any further involvement. It was reassuring to see where I was going and stop myself, yet at the same time, it was kinda scarey to see myself starting to go down that path.

Thing is, most people we meet have a pretty equal "balance sheet." I'm talking about the good qualities vs. the red flags. My tendency is to notice and admire the good qualities while overlooking or minimizing the red flags. I see now that I put my recovery at risk by dating, and at the same time learned some new lessons and actually strengthened my recovery.

It's a paradox, like so many things in life. All I can say is keep a close eye on yourself. Remember everything you have learned and you will be fine. Maybe even better......

BTW, after dumping the "red flag guy," I met someone wonderful who I am still seeing a year and a half later. But, even after that long, we are still taking it slow.

L

denny57

Slow and steady has worked for me, too. In every way LOL!!!!

NYC, if you can have fun go for it! If it doesn't feel right, stop. Try not to make it a big deal. Repeat: have fun!

Where are you going in Europe?

NYC_Chick

So, I gave more thoughts to this today and I think I've been able to iron out a couple of things.

To me, the truth about my ex is that he pursued me until he realized he was not dying, then there was no need because if he's not dying, what does he need me for? He's healthy and he can go out and find someone who will do everything he wants, just like I used to do. I have no doubt he has already been around the block a few times. The result is that I feel used all over again by him. I spoke to my therapist about my conversation with him. I told her that I regretted talking to him because it brought up these feelings. She thought I should be happy I talked to him because I know now with certainty that nothing with him has changed. He still plays games to suit him and uses whomever will allow it. He is still just as selfish as he was when we were together, and he is forever the victim. I once said I could drain the blood in my body for him and it still wouldn't be enough. I still feel this way.

I feel like if I had said "O.k. I don't need any boundaries, you can do whatever you want...let's get back together. Oh, and we never have to get married because you don't want to." he would have done it because he has to change nothing and I, again, have to compromise everything. What is different about this than before? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I guess in some respects I'm angry at him, but I'll get over that. In truth, my life is better without all the lies and manipulation, however, I let him manipulate me again the last time we spoke and that is really bothering me. I want to call him and tell him I think he is a terrible person and that he disgusts me, but that will get me nowhere, so I will write and work through this while I'm away. Actions certainly speak louder than words. I'm glad I listed to his actions in the end.

So, maybe I'm not ready to date. I'm wondering now if I'm going through the "being rejected over alcohol" issues again and part of my wanting to date is to prove to myself I'm worth more than a pint of whiskey, or any alcohol for that matter.

I'm going to give this more thought. I think I'm just going to put myself out there and if someone wants to go out with me, then I'll go. I know that I would rather be alone that stay with someone who is slowly killing themselves, however, it's still hard. I feel like I'm slipping now and I just have to get my feel back on the ground.

P.S. I'm going to Rome, Venice, Florence, Barcelona and Monaco. I'm not even excited right now with stress from this and stress from work, so I hope I can get my head back in the game before I fly off on Monday night : )

Thanks for all the replies!!! I'm so thankful you are all here.

Rainbowsend

if you are ready to date don't expect too much out of it at first. I've been back on the treadmill but none have been worth a repeat performance. In some respects that's been disapointing but in others a huge plus, guess what, i've gotten fussy and can't be bothered to 2nd date if there's a hint of a red flag or no chemistry. Maybe it's over caution but probably not a bit of self worth is no bad thing and better to be on my own than get into that dance again

denny57

Even if you don't, you'll be excited when you get there. Trust me!

HopeTo180

NY,
Some men take all the attention and give nothing in return. This causes you to give more. You begin to find yourself with nothing left. To give so much that it changes YOU, is the limit! During your time abroad, think about this. Set your limits. Retain enough energy for yourself. Look early, in a relationship, for return energy. It's a two way street. A give and take, from each side. You're a giver and you feel good doing so but there should be a limit. You may be attracted to the takers of the world because this allows you to feel good giving. Find a balance where you remain true to yourself while giving, this is where you will be the happiest. Recognize the vacuum that will suck you in. Don't fall for it again. You may very well be attracted to men that need help. This allows you to be a care-giver. You may want to try a man that has his sh_t together. You are more than what you can give. Realize you have value just being you. Realize just being in your presence is a blessing. The most important person in the world is YOU. Keep this rule and everything else will fall into place. Awareness of your weakness may be all that you need to find the happiness you deserve. Prayers