foreverjaded

I would just like some feedback please. I do not know where else to find it (besides al anon mtg which H comes to with me).

We have an 18 year old daughter. 4 years of her addiction to alcohol, MJ, cold pills, huffing, etc. She was kicked out of her school (and the whole school district) early in 10th grade for coming to school drunk as a skunk. (taken to ER with .32 blood alcohol level). THis was at 9am in the morning.

Attended Charter School the best an addict can, ended up getting her GED about 3 months ago instead.

In the meantime has held a couple part time jobs (places where they don't drug test)--in fact the place she works at (a very popular sandwich chain)--they step out back and smoke pot during work. Lovely.

Saved enough about a year ago to buy a used car. Ended up jacking it up while under the influence.

That is just a small piece of our history---VERY small piece.

At this point my H and I are no longer on the same page with this whole thing. I am hardened, sad, angry, sick of the lying. H believes D under the most ridiculous circumtances. Doesn't think her coming home the other day at 2am swaying back and forth, means anything. We give her random urine tests. He gave her one the other night and when I say it I almost fell over. It was the most amazingly clear urine I had ever seen. And since it came up negative (10 panel) he was excited she was 'clean'. When I expressed my doubts about the test he said he has pee'd light before and she probably did this time. Took me 2 seconds to take the lid off and take a wiff (gross i know)....sure enough....toilet water. But NO, he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

I know some of you have had to be in this same boat at some time. I know he is enabling. I know all about that. But what did you do? What worked? WHat did not work? We have been married 22 years, I am a survivor of an affair he had about 5 years ago--we have been tight since then. But this addiction enabling is driving me away and he knows it.

cmc

Hi,
We never tested our son because it could be just as likely that he had not used and if we had found out he used, our actions would still be based on his, not on whether we 'knew' or not.

In our situation we were usually on the same page but there were times when either of us could be on the 'believing the story/enabling' side of the dance. Near the end of our son's active using there were fewer and fewer times when his dad and I disagreed on how we were going to respond to it all.

Just like I can't control the addict, I learned that I couldn't control my spouse's reactions to our son's life choices. Nor could he change what I was feeling.

Early on when we first reached out for help- we both went to a counselor. It was there that we both began to have our own separate and an occasional joint sessions to work on 'ourselves' instead of our son's issues.

What worked for me was to attend Al-Anon meetings without my husband present. We still attended occasion Al-Anon meetings together, as well as open AA and NA meetings...but only once a week. The other nights were just for 'me' whether I was at Al-Anon or either of the other two 12 step programs mentioned.

There were plenty of occasions when one of us was uncomfortable with a choice the other wanted. We took each situation as it arose and tried to be respectful of each other's feelings and although we always presented a united front....I'm sure that sometimes we were both so transparent that our true feelings were no secret.

Families are like that and kids can usually tell what's going on with a particular parent- they've spent their entire lives watching mom and dad respond and react to things. Our son took advantage of that, just as alot of kids will do and just as all active addicts and alcoholics will do as well.

I hope you can find a way to do what you feel is right for yourself, your marraige and your adult child.